Ballad of Love (Utah Lovin’ Book 1)

20. Braydon

“Braydon, I think you should break up with her.” This is the third time today that Brooks has brought up the new girl, Stephane, that I have been seeing.

“Good thing it isn’t your decision.”

“I am just giving you my opinion.”

“I didn’t ask for it.”

“I’m just saying she is the complete opposite of Madison.”

“Yeah, Brooks. That is kind of the point.”

Brooks rolls his eyes, and walks back into the kitchen to get a snack. Brooks is right, but I am not going to tell him that. It’s not that I don’t like her. She is nice, but she isn’t Madison. No one will ever be like Madison. I shake my head and push myself up off the couch.

“We should probably head back out to help Trent.”

“Yeah, you are probably right,” Brooks says around a mouthful of cold pizza.

Brooks and I head back out to the barn to help Trent. Today is one of our easier days. We are loading hay bales and moving equipment. Obviously, cattle still had to get fed, which is one of my favorite parts of the job. Trent’s family owns quite a few pastures, 50 or more cows, roughly 30 pigs, goats, chickens, and barn cats. So, feeding times can get pretty interesting sometimes. I enjoy it though; it keeps me on my toes. Brooks finishes helping Trent in the barn while I start feeding. I start with the chickens, since they are the easiest to feed. I finish feeding with no incidents. I help the two of them move a few more tractors, and after that we decide to call it a night.

“So you got a gig downtown tonight?” Trent asks, opening the fridge to dig out something to eat.

“Yeah, I do.” I plop down on the couch with Brooks and slide off my work boots.

“Where the heck did you get a gig?” Brooks asks with a laugh.

“It’s someplace that Stephane took me to awhile back. They were looking for more live entertainment so I signed up.”

“Oh, Stephane.”

“Brooks, I am not in the mood.”

“I am just saying Braydon.”

“Well, just stop. She left, and I am here to pick up the pieces. If this is the way I want to pick them up, then please just let me.” I stand up from the couch and walk outside. I take a few deep breaths to try and calm my pounding heart. Leaning against the house, I drop my head into my hands. My heart is still racing, and I am trying to catch my breath when I hear the front door swing open.

“Sorry, I am just trying to get some fresh air.”

“Braydon, are you ok?” Trent’s voice breaks through the fog in my head.

“Yeah. I”m good. I will be in in just a minute.” I take a few more deep breaths, but they don”t feel like they are helping at this point.

“Hey, Braydon, look at me.” His face appears in front of me and fills my vision.

“What’s happening?” I place my hand over my racing heart. “I feel like I am drowning.”

“It’s a panic attack, Braydon. But it’s going to be ok. I want you just to focus on me ok. You are going to focus on how I am breathing, ok?”

I nod my head as Trent takes a few deep breaths and encourages me to copy him. I do, and after what feels like a small eternity my heart finally starts to slow back down to a normal pace.

“Has this ever happened before?”

I nod my head, still focusing on my breathing.

“How long has it been going on?”

“Since just before I moved?”

“How often do they happen?”

“Not that often. I thought I had gotten them under control, but I guess this one just slipped.”

“What do you think they are about?”

I shrug, even though I know exactly what they are about. Or should I say who they are about.

“Do you remember when you had your first panic attack?”

“The day Madison broke up with me.”

“So do you think they are probably about her?”

I shrug again, not really knowing what to say.

“Have you told anyone about this?”

“No, because I have it under control.”

“Yeah, Braydon, that really looked like you had it under control.”

I step around Trent, flinching at his words.

“Sorry, I shouldn”t have snapped at you. Braydon, all I”m saying is that these aren”t just going to go away. I am not going to tell you how to live your life. Or even how you should handle it. But you do need to talk to someone about it.”

“I am talking to you right now. Aren”t I?”

“Yeah you are, but are you going to keep me in the loop about what is going on? Because I can”t help it if I don”t know about it.”

“I think I can manage to keep you in the loop.”

“Good.” Trent nods his head approvingly.

“How did you know what to do?” I rest my elbows on the porch railing and drop my head in my hands.

“I used to get them a lot. At first I didn”t know what was going on, and I thought I was dying. My younger sister found me one day, and she talked me through it. I don”t know if I would have made it without her.”

“Used to? How did you make them stop?”

“Well, they didn”t just magically go away. I did get them under control though. Every once in a while something may trigger one though. But I am more prepared to handle them now.”

“So eventually I will be able to get mine under control?”

“Yep, as long as you continue to work on it. It is going to take some time though. Eventually you will learn your triggers and the warning signs. And you will be able to work through it, but until then, you are going to need someone to help you. It’s not something that you should be embarrassed about. They are very normal.” I nod, not really knowing how to respond.

“If you need someone to talk to,” Trent continues, “or if you have a person you are more comfortable talking to, talk to them. But you can”t just keep stuff bottled up. It’s not good for you.”

“Ok.”

“Lets go inside and grab some water, ok?” Trent asks, opening the front door. I pause before I step inside.

“Thank you, Trent. You don”t know how much that means to me.” he claps a hand on my shoulder as I step through the door. I avoid Brooks in the living room and walk straight into the kitchen. Trent grabs two cups from the cabinet and gets us each a glass of ice water. I chug the whole thing in three large gulps and set the cup on the counter.

“What time is your gig?”

I look at the clock above the stove, it blinks five o”clock.

“Six.”

“Is Stephane supposed to be coming?”

“I am picking her up on my way.”

“Do you like her, Braydon?”

“Trent, not you, too.”

“I am not giving my opinion. It is just a question.”

“I do like her. She’s nice.”

“You think you love her.”

I shake my head no. “There is only one girl I will ever love, and she just chose not to love me back.” I look down at my hands and study them like they are the most interesting thing in the world.

“Just be careful, Braydon,” Trent says as he walks by me into the living room. I set my cup in the sink and head upstairs to take a quick shower before my gig. I still can”t believe I have a gig tonight. None of my original music is ready, so I will just be doing covers for now. I am still really excited though. This is the whole reason I moved to Nashville in the first place, and it only took a year for me to get my first gig. I hop out of the shower and throw on some nicer jeans with a hunter green flannel. Heading downstairs, I bypass Brooks in the living room, and slip on my cowboy boots by the front door. I still haven”t gotten my own truck, but Trent”s family has a truck that they use for the farm that they are letting me borrow for now. I retrieve the keys from the hook by the door and head to pick up Stephane. The guys are right. I am just using her as a distraction, but right now I honestly don”t care. I need a distraction or else I am going to drown.