Bane of the Wild Hunt (Heart of the Tithriall #2)

45. I NEED TO SPEAK WITH HER

Chapter forty-five

I NEED TO SPEAK WITH HER

Orion

I paced my room in Ergastiri, unable to sit or stand still, unable to purge the anxious thrum in my bones. I had spent most of the night bloodying my hands in my usual method for self-soothing, but not even a practice dummy could absorb all my fury this time. I could not seem to rid myself of this anguish rotting away in my gut.

There was only one thing that seemed to bring me any measure of peace, and it was the memory of compassion in Amira’s eyes as she held tightly onto my hand. It had sunk hooks deep into a part of me that was so desperate to be seen and touched. Held. And I was tired of denying it. Tired of pushing it down beneath the anger. I used to tell myself it was self-preservation. I used to think it was this weak part of me that craved the things I was not entitled to that was eating me alive. But Amira…

We may not have come from the exact same situation, but she had a mother who loathed her. She talked about growing up on the street, not knowing where her next meal would come from, and not feeling safe in the night. And she did not hide those things. She was not ashamed. She spoke about it, harnessed the experience, and used it to help others. She went to war with it, and she won .

We were still not the same. She had not been sold into slavery as a child. She was not the property of another. But… if there was ever anyone who might know how to finally rip out this aching, burning, sharp thing that was searing and shredding me inside… it might be her.

Riordan… I need to speak with Amira. Where is she?

My skiá had been respecting my wish for privacy since we returned home the night before, but he did not hesitate to respond when I called on him.

She is in the Rookery. It is soup day , he reminded me, and then I felt him assess my desire to see her to ensure that I would not be cruel when I found her. When he was satisfied that my intentions were pure, he consented.

I did not hesitate long enough to talk myself out of it and went right out the window. I flew hard and fast over the lake and soon landed in the Rookery where the mere scent of the mudbrick buildings made me cringe.

Part of me hated that she spent so much time in the place that scarred me in ways that could never be mended. And part of me appreciated that she was working to make sure that other children did not become me.

I followed the small crowds of fey and Ktínos headed in the same direction until I found the line that they were forming. At the front of the immense formation with all the other volunteers behind the tables piled in soup bowls and bread loaves was Amira.

Her hair was braided in one of the simpler styles that Ktínos females preferred, and she was wearing an apron over a plain cotton dress to try and blend in better.

But she was not fooling anyone.

Even with strands of hair curling around her face from the heat of the soup and dirt smudged on her cheeks, Amira exuded kindness. And it was so beautiful in a way that I had never encountered before. I’d seen her in fine silks and jewels with her hair elaborately styled. I had seen her in fighting leathers facing down a troll without any fear as she prepared to defend us.

But this was the most beautiful that I had ever seen her. The smile she gave a child who had likely lost his missing hand as a punishment for stealing was truly breathtaking. Her genuine laughter when a lonely, old man made a silly joke was endearing. And the gentle squeeze she gave the hand of a gaunt, young mother with a small babe strapped to her chest was heart wrenching.

I had known what Riordan saw in her for some time, but this was the first time that I had allowed myself to feel it too. To really see her.

But acknowledging her worthiness of him also meant confronting the same truth that had held me back from Riordan for so long. The undeniable fact that I was not worthy of even a second of either of their time.

Only I was desperate enough for the peace she seemed to have cultivated for herself that I needed to know if she would grant me some of her attention nonetheless.

So I finally managed to push through all the reasons not to and began to stride toward her.

Only for someone to fall into step beside me.

“And just where do you think you are going, hmm?” demanded Sofia who was dressed similarly to Amira in a plain dress and apron.

“I need to speak with her,” I explained quickly.

“Well, as you can see, she is busy now, but I can make you an appointment next week—”

I stopped and turned to Amira’s handmaid, but she was not intimidated by my abrupt, aggressive movements and squared up with me without hesitation. I should not have been surprised by it. I knew her feelings toward me had always been unfriendly but now skewed in the direction of outright dislike after the night of the coronation when I made Amira cry. So I did not blame her for not trusting me with her mistress. Honestly, I respected her for it.

“How do you know it is not time sensitive?” I asked, forcing calmness and logic into my voice even when my ego demanded to be compensated for her defiance.

“If it were, then you would not have stood there staring at her for the better part of five minutes,” she quipped.

My mouth dropped open in shock that she would call me out so mercilessly.

“There are a dozen volunteers. I only need a—”

“A dozen volunteers, yes, but do you see the enormous line of people? They have come for her ,” Sofia stressed. “They have all waited for hours. So, if you want to see her so badly right now, then get in line. Unlike all of them, you can see her at another time,” she reminded me.

Fuck . She had a point.

I hesitated, wavering with indecision as I debated on whether I could stomach waiting in the place that I hated so much among the people I had strove to put behind me. Like Sofia had pointed out, I could easily go back to my room and continue pacing or go find Riordan to distract me with some work until Amira was done.

But she was so close now that I could almost smell her sweet and soothing scent already. And although I wanted to be with Riordan when he debriefed his most trusted advisors on the situation with the Fuath later that evening, until then, he was preoccupied with paperwork.

I hated paperwork, but I also knew it would not hold my interest enough to stem this tide of self-loathing.

“Fine,” I growled, and I marched away to the end of the line without knowing whether I would actually wait. But by the time I got there, I knew I could not go.

So I waited, and I let everyone go ahead of me so that I was the last one standing before her when the sun was about to go down over the city. Ares had approached me a couple times to make sure everything was alright, but I sent him away without explanation.

“Orion,” Amira blurted my name in surprise when she looked up and saw me waiting. Then she looked around us in concern. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything is fine, I just came to…”

Fuck, I’d had all afternoon to think on what the hell I would say to her, but I had been so focused on getting to the front of the line that I hadn’t even considered it.

“You came to…” she prompted when I failed to finish my sentence.

Helena had moved to stand nearer to the witch when I approached her, and I saw her cross her arms in the corner of my eye. Taking a stern stance that let me know that she would not tolerate any untoward behaviour. My mentor had always defended me, and she probably always would, but I knew this time she was truly disappointed in me for my behaviour the day before.

“I need to talk to you,” I insisted to Amira.

“We can talk, but I have to help them clean up first,” Amira said as she indicated the volunteers. All of whom were glancing at me in suspicion while they packed up.

“I will help,” I muttered.

She looked surprised at first by the offer, but then she gave me an appreciative smile that lifted some of the unbearable weight off my chest.

Someone went to fetch enough water to fill several large basins in which Amira and a couple others began washing the bowls and cutlery. I took the spot next to her, ignoring the glare of a disgruntled volunteer I must have displaced, and I began to dry the dishes as Amira cleaned. The movement cracked open the scabs on my knuckles, but luckily, she did not notice the blood since she seemed determined not to look at me directly.

Just being so close to her calming aura, working in a companionable silence with arms occasionally brushing, brought me an immense sense of peace . The screech of my thoughts was quieted, and the thrum of anxiety in my bones shuddered into stillness. I could breathe again.

After some time, another volunteer came to pour some more hot water into the basin that Amira was working in. I glanced over to see that they were heating the water in the same cauldron that they had been using to keep the soup warm all day.

“Why don’t you warm the water for them?” I ventured to ask Amira, finally breaking the silence between us.

“I try not to use my magic,” she admitted hesitantly, like she was not sure whether to reveal this. “I am already so different. It hardly seems wise to draw attention.”

“But in this case, that difference would be a strength,” I pointed out, unable to help watching the pulse leaping in her neck. I had to resist an urge to use my adénes in order to better taste her emotions, but I did not think she was merely nervous with me being so close to her.

“When people are accepting,” she concurred. She did not elaborate, but she clearly seemed to think that people would not approve of this particular strength.

Once the dishes were clean and dried, we moved them into padded crates that were small enough to transport by wing to the warehouse that had become Amira’s base of operations in the city. Tables were dismantled to similarly be flown off, and the enormous cauldron was fitted into a harness so two people could fly with it between them.

The process was so smooth, as if everyone but me had done it a hundred times and knew their role, and soon the square was empty.

Amira wiped her hands on her apron before unhooking it from around her neck and folding it to go into the last crate to go to the warehouse. Once the final volunteer had flown off, leaving us with her usual entourage of Helena, Ares, and Sofia, Amira finally turned toward me.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely with a tentative smile. “So what did you need to talk about?”

Once more, it felt like words escaped me when her full attention was turned upon me. I’d been waiting for this all afternoon, waiting for her to give me her undivided focus, and yet meeting her amber eyes made me freeze. And the spike of anxiety was certainly not helped when Helena, Sofia, and Ares all moved closer to us because none of them trusted me with her.

Although I knew perfectly well why they felt that way.

“We can… Do you want privacy?” Amira guessed when she saw me glance at them.

“Amira—” Sofia began to intervene.

“No,” I admitted, knowing by the reactions around me that this was something I needed to do… publicly.

So I breathed deeply through my nose to settle the part of me that still felt shame in being made into a spectacle, and made myself go to my knees before her. I bowed my head and put my hands flat on the ground with my wings lowered in complete and utter humility.

A heavy silence settled over the square, and it rang shrill in my ears.

“I have been inexcusably unkind and selfish with you,” I began in earnest, swallowing the bitter taste of disgust on my tongue. “I’m sorry, Amira. You don’t know how… Please… Will you forgive me?” I finally stammered out. “For the way I have spoken to you and for the way I… handled you in the Silver Moor.”

Amira was so surprised by my demonstration that she did not react right away, but she quickly regained her senses and dropped to her knees next to me. She grabbed my shoulders to try to push me upright, but I remained hunched over, unable to look at her or anyone else.

“Please, Orion, you don’t need to do this,” she swore.

“But I do ,” I insisted, finally raising my head enough to meet her eyes, and we both hesitated when we realized how close we were to one another. Close enough for me to see her pupils dilating when her eyes dipped briefly to my mouth, but neither of us moved. “I was cruel to you because I am… ugly inside,” I continued in spite of the jolt my heart had given. In spite of all the eyes I felt on us. “I am so sorry. Will you… Please forgive me.”

She looked startled for another moment before she nodded at me quickly.

“Of course, I forgive you!” she reassured me, as if this were obvious.

The relief of her absolution might have overwhelmed me emotionally had she not shifted her hand from my shoulder and gently brushed her fingers into my hair.

“Don’t—” Helena gasped sharply in horror and jolted forward with her hands readily outstretched for my wings to restrain me. Ares was either too dumbstruck by the whole spectacle to react or…

He didn’t remember what happened to the woman who walked up behind me in the bar after our graduation feast and put her hand in my hair. Although I did not know how anyone could ever forget something like that. It was one of my more vicious moments which I had always been glad Riordan had missed since he was an Imítheos who did not indulge in our debauchery.

But Helena did not need to restrain me because I did not retaliate at the sensation of Amira’s fingers in my hair. I might have assumed it was because she did not pull on me the way the barmaid had. But then she accidentally snagged a windblown curl that produced a sharp prickle on my scalp before it was combed loose. And then there was no denying that it was more complicated than simply having a visceral reaction to having my hair pulled.

Amira did not make my skin crawl. Her touch was not presumptuous or demanding or even sexual. It was filled with nothing but sympathy and affection that felt so good that I could only close my eyes to savour it. She brushed her fingers through my hair again, this time allowing the tips of her fingers to drag against my scalp, and it was honestly the most soothing thing I’d ever felt in my life.

Gods, had anyone ever touched me like that? Not that I would have let them try, but had I really been repelling the very thing that may have helped me this whole time?

I suddenly couldn’t breathe again, and my head started to spin so hard I thought I might be sick.

“Amira—” Helena tried to warn the witch.

“It’s okay,” Amira said softly, and I was not sure if she was talking to me or Helena. “Look at me,” she implored, and I knew she meant me this time. “Orion,” she insisted when I shook my head. Her sweet voice hardened with just enough authority that it was…

Grounding .

I sucked in a steadying breath before raising my eyes to hers, and then it felt like I fell into those amber depths with a force that was as unquestionable as gravity.

“It’s okay,” she promised again, giving me a small but reassuring smile as she reached for my hand. She dragged it off my thigh to grip in both of hers only to hesitate and glance down when she must have felt how mangled my knuckles were. I was so numb that I didn’t even feel the pain as the scabs cracked open anymore. “What have you been doing to yourself?” she whispered in horror.

“Sparring,” I answered hoarsely, but rather than being comforted, she looked at me with growing concern.

“Let’s talk somewhere more private,” she proposed.

“Amira, do not go alone,” whispered Sofia.

“Out of the question,” Ares declared at the same time.

They were very right to be worried. I had not been this unstable and reactive in many years, and just because I was currently in control didn’t mean I could not easily be triggered. It would not be Amira’s fault any more than it was the fault of the barmaid who wanted my attention and decided to get it by playfully tugging on my hair.

So yes, logically, I knew better than to take her away.

But I was not being logical. I was operating under the same selfishness that made me accept Riordan’s request to become his skiá even when I knew that it was a bad idea. When I knew that I was not only unfit for him, but that it would become complicated when he chose a female mate whom he’d expect to share with me. The same ruthless selfishness that kept me alive in the Rookery in spite of a drunkard father who seemed like he would kill me next after he took my brother from me. And in spite of a whore mother who was determined to make me earn my keep the only way she knew how after I got my father arrested and finally removed from our lives.

So when Amira extended a lifeline, it was inevitable that I would capitalize like the loathsome wretch I was… And I reacted before the voice in my head could remind me that I had no right to this. Before anyone else could try and stop me from taking her away from them.

I snagged Amira, scooping her up and clenching her possessively to my chest as I stood. My left wing whipped back with enough force to knock an infuriated Ares to the ground before he could grab me. Sofia screamed for her mistress as I launched into the air and began to fly away.

“Just let him go! Let Riordan handle it. You will only get her hurt if you chase them,” I heard Helena shouting before I gained too much altitude to hear Ares retort.

I was one of the fastest and strongest fliers in Ergastiri, so within mere seconds, my wings had propelled us away from the city and over the dark lake.

Amira felt like she was trying to squeeze my head off with how tightly she was holding onto me. I had seen the careful way Riordan was always sure to carry her, so I supposed she must be unappreciative of my erratic flying. Once a quick glance behind us confirmed we were not being followed, I slowed our pace until she eased.

Aside from Helena, who was the only woman I trusted enough to touch me so we could spar, I had not been so close to a female in many years. And I did not remember it ever feeling… like this . Thrilling. Captivating. I was so enthralled by her scent that I almost dipped my face into her neck to inhale it. I didn’t bother trying to stop myself from drawing every breath deliberately so the air flowed over my adénes, and I could taste her. So I could savour all of her exhilaration, her curiosity, and her annoyance.

“Was that really necessary, Orion? I wanted to come,” she reminded me testily once our speed decreased enough for her to feel comfortable.

“They would not have allowed you to go with me.”

“You didn’t give me a chance to talk to Ares. He was just doing his job protecting me,” she tried to assure me.

“You could not have convinced him.”

“Why not?” she demanded in confusion.

“Because I am not safe, Amira. Have you really not… figured that out yet?”

She was quiet for a moment, and I knew that she was probably checking in with Riordan to see if she had made a mistake in agreeing to be alone with me.

“I don’t think you are unsafe. Neither does Riordan,” she said finally.

But I knew that was only because neither of them had ever seen me at my worst.

Orion … Riordan growled in my head.

I have no intention of hurting her, I assured Riordan, tilting my wings to carry us around Ergastiri and toward the mountains behind the college.

She trusts you, and so do I, my skiá warned me sternly. She seems to think you need privacy, so I will grant it, under the condition you are kind, he mandated sternly.

As much as I understood and even agreed with all the caution, that selfish part of me could not help resenting it just a little coming from Riordan. I had spent the better part of five hundred years in a soulful anguish from which I had spared him, and this witch could finally alleviate it. Why did he have to prioritize her comfort over mine?

I did not ask you to keep all your anguish from me! Riordan broke into my morose thoughts which I had not meant for him to sense. In truth… I am heartbroken you did not entrust me with it from the beginning. And since you seem to have forgotten, I will remind you that I defied everything that was ever expected of me for you. You are loved so much more than you seem to think is possible. And I do want you to know all the beauty and joy Amira has brought to my life. Or I would never tolerate you running off with her like a brigand! Riordan insisted with utter exasperation. But she is also my first priority now. And you will never know a fraction of the happiness she could bring to you if you do not make her your first priority too. That will mean always putting her comfort ahead of your own, but worry not, because she will do the same for you just as she is doing right now.

I hadn’t meant for him to feel all that. My control over my shields was slipping in my state of complete turmoil.

But… more loved than you think is possible…

I could not help prodding at our bond to see if I could make out more of his emotions, but he was shielding them better than he usually did with me.

Riordan?

Be kind to her, he insisted as if he were redirecting me. She is precious to me. You both are.

I promise.

Good. And with that, he closed the link between us, giving me the privacy that he had sworn to uphold.