6. Nico
Denial wasn’t just a river in Egypt.
Sometimes, denial was ignoring the fact that your best friend had given you the most intense night of your life. Sometimes, it was starting your day doing the walk of shame out of your own apartment and pretending the whole thing never happened.
Nico had never been so happy to have morning classes. He spent the entirety of his English Lit class staring intently at the back of a girl’s head, absorbing nothing from the lesson. Tiny pulses of heat shot through him each time he tried—and failed—to not think of Mal touching him, kissing him…taunting him in the best possible way. He tried not to think about how Mal had been quietly controlling his every move for months and how Nico had just…allowed it.
To his credit, Mal said nothing about Nico sneaking out, about him not eating breakfast with him, about how he’d made him cum so hard he’d seen God. He sent him the same silly cat memes and pictures of wide-eyed woodland creatures, captioning them ‘this is you.’ Nico usually replied with something equally cute and sickeningly adorable, but, today, he’d spent the day vacillating between the heart emoji—too lovey dovey—and the thumbs up emoji—too aggressive. He’d settled for a variety of rarely used emojis, like a lone shrimp and the sun.
Maybe he could confuse Mal into forgetting everything.
With a gun to his head, Nico couldn’t have told anyone a single important detail of his day or how he’d even made it home. It was as if he’d floated back to his apartment in a cloud of his own pornographic memories, his body acting accordingly, every nerve ending on high alert. By the time he fell through the door, he was so turned on he just wanted to get off before anyone got home.
Except, everyone was already home.
Fuck.
Nico almost swallowed his tongue when he saw Mal on the couch with Shiloh and Levi, the three of them pretending to watch Black Butler while they actually scrolled their phones. All five of the cats lined the back of the sofa, each of them blinking at him, unimpressed. Mal sprawled there, thighs parted, freshly showered in low-slung gray joggers and a cropped black hoodie that showed off an unfair amount of skin when he stood to greet Nico at the door like he did most days he was home.
Nico used to think his roommate was a golden retriever, but now, he suspected he was part hellhound. Mal was definitely—probably—doing this on purpose. Nico just knew it. This was some kind of psychological warfare tactic. Mal in sweatpants. Mal’s tummy exposed. Mal’s hair all wild and curly. Jesus. He’d even put on makeup.
Makeup on Mal was Nico’s kryptonite. It wasn’t even that much—just a smudge of shimmery charcoal shadow around his eyes and lip stain that made it look like he’d spent the whole day making out with someone.
Someone who wasn’t Nico. His stomach churned at the thought.
Calm down. He wasn’t actually making out with someone else. And even if he was, how is that your business? You’re the one who wants to keep it casual.
The voice in his head was right. Except, he wasn’t. Mal was his. Only his. Just because he wanted Mal to think Nico had options didn’t mean he could mentally handle him thinking about anyone but Nico.
Mal smiled at him when they were a foot from each other. He was so fucking beautiful with his full lips and adorable bunny teeth. And also, clearly, some kind of diabolical genius hellbent on ruining Nico’s already fragile grasp on his sanity. He considered being normal, saying hello and dropping his backpack at the door as always.
But why be normal when he could suddenly remember the feel of Mal’s mouth on his skin and his hands skimming his body? Why be normal when he could vividly remember how he’d clung to him, begging him not to go even as far as the kitchen? He was so weak. So pathetic. If he wasn’t careful, he’d give everything to Malachi and have nothing left of himself.
He blinked himself from his thoughts to find three sets of eyes staring at him curiously. He turned towards the kitchen, but then did an about-face and escaped to the bedroom, hoping to grab some clothes and hide in the shower for the rest of his life.
Before Nico made it to the safety of their bedroom, Mal snagged him by the arm, dragging him back and locking him in a tight hug that ended with him kissing the top of his head.
Nico had no time to process this assault on his senses before Mal was letting him go and walking towards the kitchen himself. Shiloh and Levi gaped at him, clearly expecting an explanation. But Nico had none. He briefly contemplated screaming, “What? Sometimes, best friends kiss each other on the head!” but he imagined that would likely only lead to follow-up questions.
Instead, he slinked to his room, grabbing the first clean clothes he could find before locking himself in the bathroom. He leaned against the door, trying not to hyperventilate, his hand touching the spot where Mal kissed him. He spent a good five minutes just replaying the encounter on repeat before he made it to the shower.
The boiling water on his tight muscles was a much-needed distraction. He showered quickly, then jerked off slowly, trying not to imagine Mal draped over him, coaxing him through touching himself, Mal pushing him to his knees and feeding him his cock while Nico gazed up at him.
Nico bit down on his forearm as he came hard, muffling his cry as the evidence of his weakness washed down the drain.
He lingered in there for far too long, brushing his teeth, doing his skin care, even blow-drying his hair…which he never did unless Mal insisted. When he couldn’t hide anymore, he shoved his legs into black basketball shorts and one of Mal’s sleeveless hoodies from the dance studio. He brought it to his nose, inhaling deeply. How did it still smell like him?
While in the shower, Nico had come up with another escape plan. He’d head to the garage to see Jericho. He could hide there all night if he had to. He could sleep there if he had to. Even if Arsen and Ever wouldn’t let him crash on their sofa, Silas was right next door and there was a whole hostel full of empty beds…maybe. Either way, he’d have a place to sleep.
Until Mal drags you home.
Nico shivered at the thought. What would the others say if that happened?
In the end, it didn’t even matter. He never made it to the door.
As soon as he entered their bedroom, Mal held out his controller to him. “Come play. We’re just starting a new game.”
Nico froze, looking from Mal to the door, watching as it telescoped farther away with each passing moment like he was in some kind of horror movie. He hesitated too long, allowing Mal to snag his wrist and drag him into the space between his spread legs.
That was when he realized they weren’t alone. Several other people were also online. That had to be better, he supposed. Witnesses. It was good to have witnesses. Sometimes, denial was sitting between your best friend’s legs while you played a video game online with friends.
He waved half-heartedly into the camera, taking in his friends in turn. Arsen was there with Ever, who sat between his boyfriend’s legs, half hidden in his hoodie, rainbow cat ears in place as he bobbed his head to some tune only he could hear. Nico tried to ignore the implication of how their bodies mirrored the happy couple’s. This was hardly the first time he and Mal had sat that way. It wasn’t even the first time that week.
Somehow, that only made it worse.
Lake was also on screen, typing out a message on his phone, ignoring his camera. Cree was in his small apartment, sweeping his long, straight hair into a bun on the top of his head.
Silas appeared to be looking at his monitor, but Nico knew he was actually watching the mirror just behind it, hoping to catch a glimpse of his crush as he walked by his door at the same time every single day.
Last was Seven, who looked like he’d just had his ass handed to him with his tie askew and his shirt untucked. His internship at that fancy law firm wasn’t going quite as he’d hoped.
“Aren’t you gonna play?” Nico thought to ask Mal, suddenly suspicious.
Mal sat forward just enough to put his pretty lips dangerously close to Nico’s ear. “Nah, I already ran two missions. I’ll just watch.” Had Nico been in the shower that long? Mal suddenly nuzzled his nose against the delicate skin just behind Nico’s ear, hands tightening around his waist briefly. “You smell really fucking good. Like I could eat you up.”
Why did he have to say it like that, all low and seductive? It slid along Nico’s nerves like silk, making him want to lean into it. Had he always sounded like that? Was it a byproduct of whatever personality Mal had slipped on that morning? Maybe Nico was just sensory seeking. Mal had always been his favorite dopamine hit.
“Oh, right,” Nico said, his whole body rigid. “Thanks.”
Mal chuckled softly, his voice taunting. “They can see us, you know. If you don’t relax, they’re going to ask questions.”
Mal was such an asshole. Why was he purring in Nico’s ear like that? Why could he feel just how snug Mal’s crotch was against his ass? Why did Mal smell so good? Why was his skin so warm? Why did Nico just want to drag him into the bedroom and let him do unspeakable things to him?
He’d never been so hyper-aware of another human being in his life. He felt every expansion and contraction of Mal’s chest, the way his thighs flexed when he shifted, his breath on Nico’s neck, his fingertips dancing along the thin sliver of skin between his hem and his waistband.
Mal wasn’t playing fair.
But Nico had bigger problems to worry about, like not popping a boner on camera. The camera wouldn’t notice. But Mal would. And he’d take full advantage of Nico’s vulnerabilities. Because Nico’s sweet, gentle, tragically crazy bunny was actually an evil incubus in a rabbit suit.
Mal giggled like he could read his thoughts, snapping Nico back to reality. He quickly started the game. “Who’s leading?”
“Anyone but Lake,” Arsen said, grinning into the camera like he was excited to watch the fit Lake was about to throw.
“Hey,” Lake cried indignantly.
The Russian mechanic’s hair was a much more vibrant blue than it was the last time he saw him. Shiloh must have gotten a hold of him.
Arsen rolled his eyes, his accent heavy as he said, “I am sorry but I’ve been yelled at by angry customers all day. I will not be chastised by an angry druid every time I get creative with my game play.”
“You threw a water balloon at an orc,” Lake snapped.
“It was a holy water balloon. And it worked,” Arsen reminded Lake smugly. “What is the point of having expansion packs if we don’t use them?”
“Whatever. You people have no appreciation for my military strategizing,” Lake whined.
“I’ll lead,” Cree said, his voice as tranquil and calm as always.
“Excellent. Our games are always so peaceful when you lead,” Seven said, but only so he could watch Lake’s pout intensify.
“Let’s just play,” Silas said. “I have to orient a new tenant in an hour.”
They were five minutes into the game when it started—Mal’s hands on Nico’s thighs, fingers teasing just under the hem of his shorts. It wasn’t anything obvious, just his thumbs ghosting back and forth across the skin there. Nico could see his own cheeks glow scarlet in the camera. He could also see Mal’s innocent expression as he appeared to watch the game play out.
“So, are you gonna tell us about last night?” Seven asked.
“What?” he squeaked, his heart rate accelerating dangerously.
“Last night?” Seven said again. “Are you just going to keep the gory details to yourself?”
Nico snapped his head around to look at Mal, his face in flames. “Did you tell them?” he asked, his whisper accusatory.
Mal didn’t bother to try to hide his glee. He took Nico’s head in his hands, guiding his eyes back to the screen. “Pay attention. You’re about to get murdered by a dark elf.”
“You’re about to get murdered by a barbarian,” Nico muttered, even as he mashed the buttons on the controller to cast a counter attack.
“Well?” Arsen asked.
Ever tugged his headphones off his ears like he wanted to hear, too. Talk about invasiveness.
“Yeah, tell us all about it,” Lake said, piling on.
“Wh-What do you mean?” Nico sputtered. “Just because you guys over share doesn’t mean we have to.”
Seven looked at Nico like he’d grown a second head. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were gonna get so worked up over a job.”
“A job?” Nico echoed, frowning.
Seven snorted. “Didn’t you guys have a run in with, like, the yakuza or something?”
Oh. Right. That.
“Oh, uh. Yeah, right.” Nico nodded, then quickly shook his head. “I mean, no. Not the yakuza. The triad. Well, a triad member. We think. Yeah. You know. Anyway, he’s…uh, no longer an issue,” he finished lamely.
“Did you take your meds today?” Cree asked, looking concerned.
Had he? It didn’t matter. But he definitely hadn’t. But that was hardly the point. He’d been too busy running from Mal.
“Yes!” Nico lied snappishly. “I always take my meds.”
“Yeah, now ,” Arsen said. “But only because Mal gives them to you every morning.”
That brought Nico up short. Did everyone know that Mal had taken over his whole life? Did they all know that he’d made it so that Nico couldn’t function without him? Did they see the effect he had on him with just the simplest touch? Had they all watched it happen and done nothing?
Why hadn’t anybody told him?
“Why are you all being so mean to me?” Nico wailed. “I’ve had a hard day.”
“Aww,” Ever cooed, the only one to not roll his eyes at Nico’s dramatic statement. “Don’t be mean to him.”
“Thank you,” Nico said, huffy. “Ever gets me.”
Ever beamed at him. God, he really was the cutest thing in the world. Nico wanted to carry him around in his pocket.
“Can we get back to the game now?” Lake asked, his tone bordering on hostile.
Thus began the edging of Nico’s life. Mal’s hands on his waist. Mal dragging Nico’s ass back against his half-hard cock. Mal brushing his lips against the back of his neck while pretending to adjust. Nico had to force himself to remember to breathe.
“What’s wrong?” he murmured against Nico’s ear. “You seem tense. I could take care of that for you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nico managed, swallowing audibly.
“No?” Mal asked, his hand settling over Nico’s fully hard cock and squeezing.
Nico stifled a moan, practically bending in half to deal with the pleasure that was shooting through his veins like a drug.
“Let’s call it. I don’t think I can watch Nico tank another easy hit,” Lake muttered.
“You’re all so mean,” Nico whispered.
They all ignored him, instead saying their goodbyes as they turned off their cameras.
As they were signing off, Shiloh knocked softly on the door. “We’re heading out to dinner at Mama’s, then we’re going to the movies with Ever and Arsen. We’ll be home late…probably very late,” he added awkwardly.
Nico jerked to his feet, turning on Mal. “Are you up to something?”
Mal blinked up at him, his expression blank. “Up to something?” he parroted.
Nico crossed his arms over his chest, backing up until he bumped into their bed, almost falling before catching himself. “Yeah, like…”
Mal stood, stalking towards him.
“Like?” he countered, moving closer until it felt like he loomed over him even though there wasn’t that much of a height difference between them.
“Like…like this . Why are you so close to me? Is it hot in here? It feels…it feels hot in here,” Nico babbled.
Mal gave him a look that made Nico feel deliciously small and sighed. “You didn’t take your pill today. Did you?”
Nico flushed. “I forgot. I was…in a hurry.”
Mal’s hand closed around Nico’s throat, his thumb sweeping over his pulse. “In a hurry to avoid me.”
“No, that’s…no, I just wanted to get to class early,” he said, looking anywhere but at Mal.
Mal’s hand tightened almost imperceptibly. Nico’s eyelids fluttered. “Don’t start lying to me now,” he said softly, a hint of malice beneath his words, the barest threat of danger that set Nico’s blood on fire.
“I’m…not?” Was his voice shaking?
Mal arched a brow, smirking. “Are you asking me? Because if you are, I think we both know the answer. I just can’t figure out if you’re lying to me because you’re afraid of me or because you’re hoping I’ll punish you for it.”
Both. Both. Both.
Despite Nico’s bold speech last night, it had never occurred to him that Mal would want to punish him. Not really. Not outside of actual sex, not without the safety net of an orgasm to distract him. Rough sex needed sex. It was right there in the title. But this Mal seemed to have no compunction about one without the other. Or was Mal offering both?
Nico should have taken his pill…for numerous reasons.
Nico talked a big game, but the amount of times he’d actually had ‘rough’ sex could be counted on one hand with three fingers left over. He may have overstated the kink experience on his sexual resume in the hopes of keeping Mal at a distance. Before he knew he’d been sharing a bed with the Marquis de Sade.
Mal, it seemed, had not lied at all. He dropped both hands, sliding them into Nico’s loose shorts to grip his bare ass, squeezing tightly. “So, which is it, Fidget?”
Nico couldn’t breathe. His cock was throbbing, his head swimming. He wanted more, wanted Mal closer, impossibly close. He wanted Mal to crawl inside him and he also wanted to push him away. He’d never understood the word yearning until Mal. But that was the only word that popped into his head. He yearned for Mal so badly it scared him.
“Well?” Mal asked, pulling Nico flush with his body, letting him feel how hard he was, too.
Well, what? Had Mal asked him a question? Oh, right, the punishment. Every time he thought he had a good grasp on them, his thoughts scattered like startled birds. He could tell Mal to let him go. He would. But then the game would be over. Nico was good with games. This he could do. He could beat this. This didn’t have to involve feelings. “What are you gonna do if I say yes? Spank me?”
Mal’s smile was sinister. “Is that what you’re after, Fidget? Is that why you’re so restless? Need someone to wear you out? Make your head go quiet?”
Nico’s head fizzed like seltzer water. Could it do that? He swallowed thickly once more, swaying into Mal, inhaling his scent as he tried to calm his nerves. Mal had always been his safe space, but now, he was also the thing tying him in knots. Nico had given him everything necessary to bring Nico to his knees.
“I’m not after anything,” Nico managed, his fingers fisting in Mal’s hoodie. He tried to keep his tone bored, but his words came out shaky. “I’m just asking. How do you plan on punishing me?”
Mal’s gaze raked over him appraisingly, like he was taking stock of what he had to work with.
“I suppose we could start with spanking,” he said, as if that bored him. He stepped away from Nico. “Shorts and underwear off. My shirt can stay on. I like you in my clothes.”
Nico froze at Mal’s sudden change in demeanor. Was he serious? Did he really just want Nico to strip from the waist down with the lights on at six in the afternoon?
“It’s still light outside,” he said stupidly.
Mal’s lips twitched. “Oh, is that important?”
“I don’t know. Isn’t there, like, a protocol to this or something?” Nico muttered.
“Do you transform into the faultless little sub at sundown?” Mal teased, eyes sparkling. “My own little Cinderella of the kink world.”
Nico’s insides were melting. The more Mal taunted him, the more he ached. Why wouldn’t he just do something? Make the decision for him? He couldn’t do it himself. He’d never been so confused and horny.
“I-I just thought that…could we turn the lights off?” he asked, voice small.
They didn’t have any windows, so it would be pitch black, easier for Nico to hide.
“You want me to spank you in the dark, Fidget?” Mal said, his amusement obvious. “That sounds dangerous.”
“We could turn the LED lights on. Red would be kind of…sexy, right?” Nico tried again.
He wanted this. He wanted Mal, wanted this punishment and whatever came with it, but not with the lights on. Not if he could see that it was Mal and not some random stranger who didn’t have every one of Nico’s cheat codes memorized. He was barely holding onto his heart as it was. Mal had to know—he had to understand why Nico needed it this way. He knew everything.
Mal closed the small gap between them, catching his chin between thumb and forefinger and forcing him to meet his gaze. “The lights stay on.”
Nico could feel real tears threatening to choke him. “Why?”
Mal tilted his head, studying Nico for a long moment before dipping his head, his mouth closing over his. Mal kissed him like he owned him, like he had every right to this lazy exploration that made Nico feel faint. And Nico let him. He opened his mouth so eagerly, swept his tongue over Mal’s, whimpering as he stood there trembling.
When Mal pulled away, Nico was pretty sure he took his soul with him. He felt empty. Hollow. Confused. So confused. But he was still painfully hard, leaking into his underwear, dancing on a knife blade while Mal studied him.
Finally, he said, “When the lights are off, I don’t get to see you cry.” He looked Nico in the eye. “I want to see you cry for me, Fidget.”
Nico didn’t know if he was having a heart attack, a panic attack, or if he just desperately longed to get off. He wanted to cry, to beg, to get out of his own fucking head and just let Mal take over. Nico had never been any good at making decisions.
Mal wanting to see Nico cry didn’t lessen his fears, but it sounded a lot less intimate than the feelings backing up in Nico’s chest and crushing his lungs.
“You wanna make me cry?” Nico said faintly.
“I want to make you scream…” Mal clarified silkily. “But we can start here and see how you do.”
“You’re kind of terrifying,” Nico whispered.
“I’m just giving you what you asked for, Fidget,” Mal said, stroking Nico’s cheek. “You’re the one who wanted it to hurt.”
“I’ve…” Nico squeezed his eyes shut. “Nobody’s ever actually spanked me when we weren’t…you know, in the act.”
That seemed to bring Mal up short. He stared hard at Nico, like he was trying to read him. Nico’s heart stopped. Was Mal going to pull the plug? Had Nico said too much?
“One word and this all stops,” Mal said gently. “You said this was what you wanted. You know I’d give you anything. If you’ve changed your mind…”
Nico’s head was spinning. “I do want it. I’m just…”
“Scared?” Mal offered.
Yes. “No.”
“Stalling, then,” Mal said, nodding as if he’d come to some internal decision. “I think maybe we should wait?—”
“No!” Nico said again, fear shocking through him. “No. I-I can do it. I-I want to do it. Just…” Nico straightened his spine and forced his nerves back. “Tell me again.”
Mal smiled, capturing his lips once more in a kiss that had Nico holding on for dear life. “So brave.”
Nico blinked up at him, feel-good chemicals flooding his system from just those two words alone.
“Pants and underwear off.”
Nico’s shaky hands found his waistband. He tried to turn away, inexplicably shy considering how much Mal had already seen of him over their time together.
“Uh-uh,” Mal said. “Eyes on me.”
Nico’s mouth was a desert, every drop of moisture evaporating from his tongue as he asked, “N-Now what?”
Mal sat on the edge of the bed and patted his lap. “Face down.”
Why did he have to look so hot doing this? Without the sex, this was far more humiliating. He was far more vulnerable.
When he hesitated, Mal gently pulled him towards him. “Hey, look at me.” Nico’s gaze jerked to his. “You can say no.”
Nico opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, he shook his head, then tripped as he tried to lie across Mal’s lap. Mal laughed softly, stroking his hair, then positioned him how he wanted, his cock trapped against Mal’s muscular thigh. Nico found a chip in the flooring. He focused on it until that was his whole world.
Then, all he could do was wait.
But Mal was taking his time, his hands roving over all his newly exposed skin. “You're so soft.” Nico’s head spun as Mal’s fingertips stroked along his spine, over the swell of his ass, down his thighs, and back up again. Nico was already breaking out in a sweat and they hadn’t done a thing.
When Mal finally spoke, Nico jumped, his pulse stuttering. “We’ll use the traffic light system. Do you know what that is?”
“Red is stop. Yellow is slow down. Green means go,” Nico said.
Nico had spent years researching these things, but he was quickly realizing that reading about a subject and living it were two very different things. He wanted this just as much as it scared him. He wanted to be good for Mal, wanted to hear him praise him. He craved it.
“We’re gonna do ten. You’re going to count. If you forget or make a mistake, we start over. Got it?” Mal asked, hand warm on his thigh.
“Yes,” Nico managed, voice shaking.
“Don’t be scared, Fidget,” Mal said, his voice surprisingly tender once more. “You’re the one in control here. You have all the power.”
Nico gave a stilted nod he wasn’t sure Mal even saw.
The first crack of Mal’s palm stole his breath, his back bowing in surprise, tears springing to his eyes.
Mal rubbed over the injury.
“O-One,” Nico managed.
Smack.
“Two,” he gasped, fire blazing across the curve of his ass, overlapping the first and leaving a feeling like pins and needles in its wake.
Again, Mal soothed the spot. “See? You’re already doing so well.”
Something like roses blossomed in his chest at Mal’s words. He was doing well. He was doing this right. It didn’t dull the sting, but it alleviated the…something…that was gnawing at his insides.
Smack.
Nico yelped as his hand fell over the fullest part of his cheek, right where he sat. He didn’t realize his hand had moved to cover the spot until Mal snatched his wrist.
“Th-Three,” Nico managed, voice strangled.
Mal held his roving hand hostage at the small of Nico’s back. “You’re doing so well, Fidget. Don’t start misbehaving already,” he warned.
Four landed just below the last, sharp and stinging, making Nico squirm. He bit back a sudden moan at the friction of Mal’s thigh against his trapped cock, his eyes rolling behind his lids. “Four,” he said, breathless.
Ten had never seemed so far away. Tears dripped onto the floor as Mal’s hand fell once more, a thousand fire ants biting at once. Some part of him had truly thought Mal might go easy on him. “Five,” he managed, choking back a sob.
Mal rubbed over his sore bottom. “Color.”
“Green,” he managed before sniffling.
“You look so pretty like this, baby,” he said gently. “I wish you could see yourself. You’re being so good for me.”
“It hurts,” Nico heard himself say.
“I know. I know it does,” Mal said, his voice full of sympathy, like it was just something that couldn’t be helped. “It’s supposed to hurt. That’s how you learn.”
Nico cracked wide open at his words, a torrent of tears flooding from his eyes and dripping onto the floor. “I’ve learned,” he promised.
“That’s for me to decide, Fidget. Not you,” Mal said in that same patient and chastising tone, still caressing Nico’s abused backside. “You don’t make good decisions when you’re left to your own devices. Do you?”
“No,” Nico said, choking on another sob.
Mal sighed, petting his hair once more. “Poor baby. It’s not your fault. That’s why you have me to take care of you.”
Smack.
“Six,” he yelped, the pain growing unbearable.
He was a mess of snot and tears, his head filled with the sound of his own weeping. He was dizzy and his body was shaking, but, beneath it all, there was this pleasant buzzing in his head, this hint of more to come. Mal’s fingers combed through his sweaty curls.
“Shh,” he soothed. “You’re so close to being finished. You can be good for me for just a little longer. Can’t you, baby?” Nico nodded. “I need your words, Fidget.”
“Yes,” he cried. “I-I can be good.”
“Of course, you can. My good boy.”
His words only sucked Nico deeper under the waves, pulling him down, down, down to the bottom of the ocean where things were muted, where the world was quiet. This was his world—champagne bubbles bursting in his head and that crack on the floor. Mal’s sweet words, and his mean hands, Nico’s pain a throbbing red in a sea of white.
What was he even saying?
He didn’t know.
Slap. Slap. Slap.
Nico flailed at the sudden onslaught, pain exploding behind his eyelids, an inhuman sound escaping as he tried to extricate himself from Mal’s lap without thought. But Mal’s arm was an iron bar over his back, holding firm, keeping him just where he wanted him. Nico’s skin was raw, just like his heart. He could hear himself sobbing. Not just sobbing but apologizing, babbling out mindless pleas for forgiveness.
Counting.
He was supposed to count. What number? Panic clawed its way through his belly.
“S-Seven?” Was it seven? If it wasn’t, he’d already fucked up. “Eight, nine,” he managed. Cold sweat rolled down his spine and dripped from his face onto the floor.
He didn’t want to start over.
He’d die.
He’d literally die.
Mal was very much enjoying punishing him. Nico could feel the evidence of his enjoyment poking against his stomach.
“Just one more, baby,” Mal said, voice gentle again like it was moments ago.
Was it moments ago or an hour?
Who knew?
Nico couldn’t even talk, he just made a sound as close to a word as he could manage.
Slap.
This one was a barely-there slap to his other thigh, right at the crease just below his ass cheek. It took all his strength to make himself say, “Ten.”
His words were slurred.
Mal carefully tipped him up, allowing him to get his feet under him, but his knees gave out immediately. Mal caught him, cradling him in his lap. It was over, but his tears wouldn’t stop. Why was he still bawling when it was over? The pain was still there, like a bad sunburn, but it hardly warranted the sobs escaping from deep in his chest.
“Shh,” Mal soothed, combing through Nico’s sweat-damp curls. “You’re okay. You’re okay, baby.”
Was he? He felt like Mal had flayed open his insides, leaving every single insecurity on display for him to look at and examine like one of his hyper-fixations. Nico’s heart was as raw as his skin.
Mal rocked him in his arms like a child. “You did so well. You were so good. So pretty. Do you know how long I’ve wanted to see you like that? Over my knee? And you were impeccable.”
This was supposed to be about sex. But this was something else entirely. Something painful and cathartic, something that soothed as much as it chafed. It had to stop. He wanted to go back to the meaningless sex Mal had promised last night.
“Are you going to fuck me now?” he asked, still weeping into Mal’s neck.
“Do you want me to fuck you?” Mal countered, his tone full of patience.
Nico’s heart pounded in his ears, his eyes red and swollen, his head stuffy. He pulled back to look at Mal miserably. “Isn’t that the whole point of this?”
Mal kissed his forehead, then his nose. “No, Fidget. The point is to teach you.”
“Teach me what?” he asked, voice pouty.
“Not to avoid me, for starters. Not to forget to take your pills for another.”
Nico stared at him, incredulous. “So, you don’t want to have sex with me?”
“Don’t be stupid. I always want to have sex with you. But not unless you actually want it.”
Was Mal fucking with him? “I know you can see how hard I am.”
Mal shifted until Nico found himself flat on his back looking up at him. He looked flawless, not a hair out of place. And Nico was a sweaty, disgusting wreck. He covered his face with his hands.
Mal tugged them away, staring at him like he was the most radiant thing he’d ever seen. He swiped his thumbs beneath Nico’s eyes, brushing away his tears and soothing the ache. “I’ll fuck you.”
Nico could feel the but coming from ten billion light years away. He glowered up at Mal. “But?”
Mal dipped his head, claiming his mouth once more in a lazy but thorough kiss. When he pulled back, he said, “But it’s going to be just like this. With the lights on. With you looking at me. You won’t get to hide. When I fuck you, you’ll know exactly who’s taking you apart, and you’ll look at me just like this as I bury myself inside you.”
Nico’s panic shot up, eyes going wide. What the fuck? “I thought we were just going to be friends who fuck exclusively.”
Wasn’t that what they’d said last night? Wasn’t that what they’d decided? Nico was a little fuzzy on the details. Last night had been a lot. Very rarely did Chinese gangsters and orgasms happen on the same night you learn your best friend is an evil mastermind.
“Did you?” Mal asked, studying him, cupping his face. “What about our conversation last night made you think that I would ever let you settle for that?”
Nico frowned, racking his brain. “You said…”
Mal arched his brow. “I said I’d kill anyone who touched you. Did that sound ambiguous in any way?”
“Well…no. But I stand by what I’ve always said. Relationships destroy people.”
Mal gave him that infuriatingly patient look, the one he gave him when he thought he was being silly. “We’re surrounded by dozens of couples that prove that’s entirely untrue.”
“In my family,” Nico clarified. “Relationships destroy everything. It’s a curse. One of those generational ones. My mom used to say we must have been cross-makers in Jerusalem for all the bad karma we’ve been forced to pay off in this life. We’re just not the type of people that other people fall in love with. No strings attached is easier.”
Nico could hear the desperation in his own words. He knew his logic was flawed…or invisible, but he was fighting for his life in this conversation. If he lost Mal over something like this, he’d literally die. He’d rather have him as a friend than an ex-boyfriend.
Right now, Nico knew Mal thought he wanted this, wanted Nico, but Nico was too much in a relationship. For anyone. Even Mal. He’d tried it in high school, more than once. He really had. He’d wanted so badly to prove his mother wrong, but she’d been right. He’d been impossible to love.
Mal didn’t get it, not yet. He hadn’t seen the “real” Nico. The one who got clingy and desperate for attention. The one who would turn a boyfriend into a hyper-fixation and call him twenty times in a row because he couldn’t stop himself. The Nico who was so manic he couldn’t shut up no matter how much his brain screamed for him to just…stop…talking. He didn’t know that, sometimes, Nico just hid in the shower and cried for no reason.
He didn’t know that the real Nico was wholly unworthy of someone like Mal. And Nico would make sure he never knew. He already knew him better than anyone else in the whole world.
When he realized Mal was waiting for some kind of answer, he shrugged, forcing his voice into one of annoyance. “Yeah, well…I don’t do the face-to-face fucking. This isn’t some cheesy romance. It’s just sex.”
Nico wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but it wasn’t for Mal to roll to his feet and shrug. “Okay.”
Nico’s heart plummeted into his stomach.
“Where are you going?” he asked, panic clawing over his vocal cords.
Mal tilted his head like a confused German Shepherd. “I’m going to get you some water and something to eat with some protein. I’ll be right back.”
The moment he was out the door, Nico was on his feet. He yanked his shorts back up, then fell back on the bed, rolling to face the wall. He didn’t know what his next move would be. He wanted Mal—needed him, even. But he couldn’t give him what he wanted.
But he also couldn’t just pretend to be asleep at seven PM.
The mattress sank as Mal sat beside him, helping Nico up whether he wanted it or not. Mal made him drink the whole bottle and eat the whole sandwich, then wordlessly set up his laptop, throwing on a nature documentary about rhinos and setting it on his thighs. Once he was settled, he gathered Nico into his arms just like they’d done a million times before. Nico pressed his ear to Mal’s heart, listening to the reassuring thud as he willed himself out of his downward spiral.
“Stop thinking so loud. It’s not the crisis you think it is, Fidget.”
“You’re wrong,” Nico whispered, then burrowed closer, grateful he had no more tears left.