Barbarian (Jericho’s Boys #3)

4. 2

“Fidget?”

“Mm. It suits you. Since you never stop moving.”

Nico had made a noncommittal noise, but he’d secretly been pleased with the silly name, especially when Shiloh had brought him a tiny dragon plushie the following week with Fidget embroidered onto its chest. Nico had rolled his eyes, but he knew Shiloh understood how much he truly loved it when he put it right in the center of his plushie pile. He slept with it clutched to his chest whenever he was forced to nap without Mal.

“Night, Bunny,” Nico managed around a jaw-cracking yawn.

Mal poked him in the ribs. “You said you’d stop calling me that.”

Nico snuggled deeper, pressing the words into the skin of Mal’s throat, just to the side of his Adam’s apple. “I did no such thing. I said I’d stop calling you that in public.”

“It makes no sense,” Mal pouted. “Everyone else thinks I’m a cat. You’re the only one who calls me Bunny.”

Nico grinned into Mal’s throat, aware he was riling him up. “I call ‘em like I see ‘em. Nico see bunny. Nico say bunny. It can’t be helped. You’re a bunny, Bunny.”

He could almost hear Mal rolling his eyes, which only made him smile harder. He knew Mal didn’t hate the nickname as much as he pretended. It was the attention it garnered whenever Nico slipped up and said it in front of the others that got to him. All their friends would coo and squeal until Mal would make subtle but effective threats about what might happen to them should they choose to continue mocking him. Mal was strangely shy about most things.

Nico had quickly learned that the only time Mal wanted all eyes on him was when he danced. Which worked out for Nico. It was impossible for him to look away when Mal danced. It wasn’t just his flawless technique or his ability to break down complex dances into bite-size pieces even children with no dance practice could follow. People—dance people—raved about Mal’s skills. They marveled at how someone with mostly lyrical training was so good at hip-hop.

Nico didn’t know technique and didn’t care a bit about precision. When Mal danced, he defied Nico’s understanding of physics. How did he get his body to look like it floated across the dance floor? How did he isolate his muscles so he appeared almost inhuman? It was like the music moved through him, like those lights that danced to the music at Christmas time. It was a stupid analogy but not an inaccurate one. Mal was riveting when he danced.

And…so hot. Too hot. It made Nico think things. Dirty things. Bad, wrong things. It was why he tried to avoid Mal’s practices now. Well, that and his roommate’s sudden aversion to wearing underwear beneath his very loose pants when he danced. At least with underwear, Nico had stood a chance of maintaining his sanity.

But no…Mal had chosen violence, forgoing underwear altogether whenever he practiced in the apartment. He said he liked to be comfortable. How was underwear uncomfortable? Like Mal’s dick was so big underwear was painful? Was that even a thing? Nico couldn’t even counter the argument by saying it wasn’t true. Not when—through no fault of his own—he knew firsthand that Mal’s dick was, objectively speaking, far above average.

Two people couldn’t sleep the way he and Mal did each night and not deal with the awkward morning boner situation. It was biologically impossible. They’d just sort of made a silent pact to ignore it. But that was before…

Ignoring Mal’s impressively large dick would be impossible now. Now that he’d felt it pressed against him with intent. Now that he’d had time to imagine it splitting him open and rearranging his guts.

He dry swallowed, heart speeding up again, beads of sweat erupting at his hairline and at his lower back, his body reminding him he was still horny and unsatisfied. Think of something else. Dead bodies. That gross snot stuff at the top of kombucha. Liver and onions.

Nothing worked. Not the squeak in their ceiling fan or the strange whirr of the PC in the corner. The more he tried not to think of Mal’s cock, the more he did until his blood was rushing south, his own cock filling rapidly.

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

What was wrong with him?

This was what happened when a person went without sex for too long. Their dick took over. He tried to shift his pelvis so Mal’s thigh was no longer pressed directly against his rapidly growing erection, but his leg stayed firmly planted, Mal’s grip ironclad.

“What’s wrong?” Mal mumbled, his voice startling in the near quiet of their tiny room.

“Nothing,” Nico squeaked. “Just…hot.”

Mal was silent for a beat before his hand squeezed Nico’s waist. “The heat is making you hard?” he asked with just a little too much amusement for Nico’s liking.

This was what Nico didn’t understand. How could Mal be smug, bold, sexy, and smart one minute and awkward, shy, and weird the next? Mal said his personality shifted daily, but Nico felt like it shifted moment to moment, confusing the fuck out of him. Who was the real Mal? Were all of them him? What was it like living in his head?

“Fuck off,” Nico muttered, trying to push him away half-heartedly.

“You sure, Fidget?” Mal rasped, flexing his thigh.

Pleasure shocked through him, dragging a low moan from the back of his throat. He managed to put just enough distance between their upper halves for him to make out Mal’s knowing smile in the barely-there light of the computer screen. He flexed his thigh again, a near euphoric feeling crashing over Nico, making him whimper. He couldn’t escape, so he leaned into it, trying to halt his movements.

Nico’s heart was in his throat. He was clinging to Mal for dear life, silently begging him to go easy on him. Mal ignored Nico’s silent pleas, holding him in place as he continued to rock his meaty thigh over Nico’s aching cock, pulling impassioned cries from him each time. He dug blunt nails into Mal’s skin, but that didn’t deter him even a little. If anything, he seemed to like the pain.

“Doesn’t sound like you really want me to fuck off,” Mal taunted, his low register wrapped in pure velvet.

Nico whimpered. Mal wasn’t playing fair.

He tried to put words together that formed a cohesive thought even as he found himself rutting against his best friend. “You… I…We… Fuck, I can’t think straight when you’re doing that.”

“What’s to think about?” Mal asked, staring directly into Nico’s soul. “Earlier you were begging to come. Making the prettiest noises.”

Nico’s face grew hot. At least Mal couldn’t see it with the lights off. “I know, but…”

“If you want to stop, just say so,” Mal said calmly, stilling both their bodies. “Say ‘Mal, please stop.’”

“Mal…please…” Nico couldn’t finish the sentence.

Mal started to move his leg away. Nico wailed, wanting to cry at the sudden loss of pressure, of delicious friction. “Say it. Say ‘Mal, please stop.’”

He was trying. Couldn’t Mal see that he was trying to do the right thing? He could definitely come just from humping Mal’s leg like a whiny little puppy. The thought alone had every one of Nico’s nerve endings standing at attention, his brain warring with his body. “I don’t want to…but we should…right? We shouldn’t do this…right?”

Please, say no. Please, say no. Be stronger than me.

“Why?” Mal asked, in that genuinely curious way that made Nico feel like he truly was from another planet.

He tried to think of a good reason, he really did. But Mal’s fingers were suddenly in his hair, his blunt nails scratching at Nico’s scalp in a way that made him want to stretch like a cat in the sun. Why should they stop? Nico was sure he had good reasons. Almost positive.

Mal tugged at Nico’s curls, earning him a startled squeak where Nico’s lips rested against Mal’s Adam’s apple. He smelled so good. He was so warm and he just smelled so, so fucking…edible. Nico felt high. The heat of their bodies, the rasp of Mal’s breathing, the way his hands soothed over his body even as his thigh teased at more. It was causing some kind of chemical reaction in his brain that rendered him useless.

This boy had Nico in a metaphorical chokehold; he always had. He blamed his dry spell. That had to be it. That had to be why he ached so badly for his best friend. It had to be why he was crazed at the thought of darting his tongue out to taste Mal’s skin, at the thought of his cock in Nico’s hands, his mouth, his body. He wanted to know what Mal looked like when Nico was taking him apart. He just knew Mal was beautiful when he came.

Nico was still rock hard, even with Mal’s thigh only resting against him. Fuck. He wanted Mal. He wanted him so fervently, he ached with it. Not just between his legs but in his core. Did that make him a bad person? Mal was hot and sexy, and he touched Nico like he’d found the cheat codes to his pleasure. Nobody knew him better than Mal. Nobody. Who better to make him feel good than his best friend? Right?

But it wasn’t right. It would ruin things. Ruin them. Nico’s heart tore in half at the thought. He couldn’t be without Mal. He just couldn’t. What if this ruined everything?

Nico’s mouth was suddenly so dry. “We should stop. Friends don’t do this together,” he said, his voice lacking the courage of his convictions.

“Friends with benefits do,” Mal countered, tugging Nico’s head away from his hiding place in his neck, forcing him to look at him.

Friends with benefits.

It’s not like Nico hadn’t considered it. In some ways, it seemed like the ideal solution. But there was that one little issue. Well, one big issue. He dropped his gaze from Mal’s face, ears burning red, as he managed to say, “Our sexual…interests…just aren’t…compatible.”

There was a long silence before Mal asked, “How so?”

Nico bit down on his bottom lip until he tasted blood, then sucked the wound, letting the taste of metal on his tongue ground him. He tried to hide his face in Mal’s neck again but the fingers knotted in his hair forced him to stay put.

Dread flooded his system. His proclivities were hardly a secret amongst their friends, but he’d never explicitly told Mal about his kinks. Why would he? He knew Mal had feelings for him that went beyond friendship. Going into detail about his kinks just seemed cruel, especially when Mal was so sweet to him all the time, so thoughtful of his feelings.

Nico should just go ahead and rip off the Band-Aid. “I like it rough,” he blurted, his already overheated body exploding with shame. “I want it to—to hurt. I need to feel…used. I need someone who can just get me out of my head.”

Mal blinked at him in that lazy feline way he had, the one Nico called his Dumpling look. “And?”

Nico swallowed again, throbbing against Mal’s thigh as he studied Nico like a butterfly pinned to a cork board. How could someone just looking at him make him ache like this? “Someone who will…” He trailed off, chest rising and falling rapidly. Why was this so hard? “Take control. Someone who can just make decisions for me. I don’t…I don’t want to think for myself.”

Mal’s free hand skimmed up over Nico’s thigh where it was still over his, squeezing his ass. “So, what’s the problem?”

“What do you mean?” he whispered, his skin on fire, heart hammering so hard he thought he might pass out.

Mal rolled them, trapping Nico beneath him, his face half in shadow, his expression…menacing. He brought Nico’s hands over his head, trapping them in his iron grip, holding him hostage. Yet, despite all that, he still tilted his head like a curious dog, sounding genuinely baffled as he asked, “When have I ever not been in control of you, Fidget?”

“Wh-What?” Nico asked, head spinning.

Mal smiled, gripping his wrists tighter, letting his hips settle heavily between Nico’s, letting him feel his arousal. “Think about it,” he said, like Nico was a simpleton.

Nico’s head was spinning. How was he supposed to think like this? Mal dipped his head, nosing Nico’s face to the side so he could kiss just below his jaw, then his ear, Mal’s raw breaths making it impossible for Nico to comply with his request. “I-I don’t understand.”

Mal tsked, pulling back to shake his head like he was disappointed, his tone condescending. “Does my Fidget require help thinking?” he asked, slowly licking over his cheek. “You get so dumb when you’re horny. It’s adorable.”

Nico’s lids fluttered at his words. Who was this man? This…version of Mal? What was happening?

Mal rolled his hips, dragging their cocks against each other, sending another jolt of mind-numbing heat through Nico. He whimpered, squirming, as frantic as he was confused.

Mal appeared delighted by this. His low chuckle was as infuriating as it was sexy. “It’s okay, Fidget. I’ll spell it out for you,” he said, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. “I’ve been making your decisions for you since the day we met.”

Shock lanced through him, his startled gaze locking with Mal’s amused one. What was he talking about? Mal controlling Nico? Hardly. Everyone knew it was Nico who led Mal around by the nose. They joked about it all the time. Even in front of Mal. How he was so whipped for Nico it was embarrassing. How he should say no to Nico every once in a while. There was no way Mal was ever the one in control.

Was this his attempt at role play? If so, Nico wasn’t sure he could get in character. Mal had always been too good to him. Mal loved him too much to hurt him, to control him, to give him what he craved. That was the problem. Well, one of them, anyways.

“No,” Nico started, shaking his head. “That’s…”

What? That’s what? Crazy? A lie? A fantasy?

“No?” Mal countered, brow arching, his condescending tone making Nico’s insides feel swimmy. Mal shifted, taking both of Nico’s wrists into one of his, using the other to gently stroke his cheek.“Think about it, Fidget. You wake up when I say, shower when I say, eat what I cook you, take your vitamins because I lay them out for you. You drink water because I text you reminders. You get to class on time because I set your alarms. You do your homework when I say. You go to sleep when I say.”

Adrenaline spiked through Nico’s blood, his tongue suddenly dry enough to stick to the roof of his mouth. A tiny, icy finger of fear slid down his spine, but it did nothing to dampen the burning need inside.

Mal leaned in, pressing his lips right against Nico’s ear, rolling his hips again, chuckling when Nico gave another pathetic whimper. He hated the way his eyelids fluttered closed so he could focus on every word Mal said.

“Still not convinced?” he purred. “When we go out, you drink only what I give you, dance with only who I allow…only hook up with men I approve of and even when you’re with them, it’s me you’re texting. It’s me you’re thinking about.” He pulled back to look Nico in the eye. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

Nico’s heart slammed around his chest like a trapped animal.

He was right.

How had he never noticed? He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or run screaming into the night. Had Mal manipulated him into this level of control or had Nico just handed it to him a little at a time? His life was certainly better with Mal in it. It was definitely better with Mal running it.

“You want me to take control of you,” he said, placing a soft kiss on his nose. “But I already am. You think the bedroom will be any different?”

Nico was reeling. “But the pain…” he managed.

Mal’s chuckle rolled over him, causing goosebumps to erupt along his skin. “You’ve seen how I kill, Fidget. Do I seem like someone who doesn’t know how to hurt you? I’ve studied torture techniques for fun. My hyperfixations are things like shibari knots and how much pain the human body can endure before it gives out.”

“You could hurt me?” Nico rasped. “It doesn’t—it wouldn’t…bother you?”

Mal pressed his lips to Nico’s forehead, his cheeks, his closed eyelids. Nico gasped when he licked the seam of Nico’s lips, eyes flying open to see the dark gleam in Mal’s blue eyes. “Bother me?” He rocked against Nico, pleasure whiting out his thoughts for a brief moment. “Do you feel how hard I am right now? I want to make you cry. I want to hear you beg. I want to have to gag you to keep our friends from calling the cops.” Nico worried he might actually pass out. He’d never imagined hearing these words from those pretty, flawless lips. “Hurt you? Baby…I want to destroy you.”

Nico whimpered, his own hips jerking up against his will, craving more. “But…you’re always taking care of me,” he panted, bewildered.

“And I’ll keep taking care of you,” Mal promised, tone suddenly casual, like they were discussing the news. “Before, during, and after. Nobody knows what you need or want better than I do, Fidget. Nobody knows you like I do. Nobody loves you like I do.” He tilted his head to study Nico. “Does that scare you? Do I scare you?”

Nico chewed his bottom lip. He didn’t know if fear was the right word. He was just having a hard time reconciling this Mal with the one he thought he’d known just minutes ago. “I don’t understand.”

Mal stroked his cheek, gazing down at him with his usual level of adoration. “You will. Nothing has to change. I’ll still take care of you. Nobody has to know. The others can still think you call the shots. They can still think that I’m your slave, some sad little simp who worships the ground you walk on. I don’t really care what others think, anyway. It’s the truth that gets me hot.”

“The truth?” Nico echoed, positive he was trapped in some fever dream.

Mal pressed his lips to Nico’s ear once more, nipping at it hard enough to pull a yelp from him. “Face it, Fidget. You’d be lost without me.”

Nico’s chest rose and fell rapidly. “I—No. That’s?—”

“Don’t misunderstand. I’d be lost without you, too. I know your mom fucked your head up about love and relationships. That’s why I was content to wait you out. It’s why I let you pretend some other man could ever get you off better than I can. But you never follow through with it. Do you?”

Nico just laid there, burning from the inside out, mouth open. It was true. No matter how many times he tried to get with other men, it never happened.

Because none of them were Malachi.

Nico’s body lit up like a Christmas tree, the gravity of this realization rocketing through him.

Holy fuck.

None of them were Mal. His Mal.

Nico was so stupid.

Of course, Mal knew him better than anyone else. Their friends joked that they were codependent, inseparable. And they were. It was true. Looking back, Nico had handed his life over to Mal the day they met. He’d just never noticed because he was too busy being cocky about how lovesick Mal was over him. How he couldn’t take his eyes off him, how he was always touching him, running to do things for him, pushing others’ hands off him, possessive and greedy over him from the jump.

But…Mal was right. About everything. And Nico had never noticed.

He should’ve been horrified. Any normal person would be. At the very least, he should be embarrassed. The whole time he’d bragged about having Mal under his thumb, Mal had been using him like a little doll, a marionette dancing to whatever rhythm Mal chose.

Nico closed his eyes. He was suddenly so dizzy. His world had been thrown from its axis, and now, he was hurtling through space. Was Mal some kind of secret psychopath? Was it even a secret, really? He had a mean streak. Nico had witnessed it firsthand. He’d just never imagined Mal would be able to hurt him, much less that he’d enjoy it.

“I can see you spinning out, baby.” Mal crooned. Nico refused to open his eyes. He couldn’t. Not yet. “Don’t be scared. And don’t be mad.” He punctuated every sentence with a press of his lips against Nico’s skin. Forehead. Cheeks. Mouth. “We both get what we desire from this. Don’t we?” Mal’s thumb rubbed over Nico’s bottom lip, tugging his jaw open, tongue dipping inside, teasing over his. “I let the world think you own me—and, let’s be real, you do—and, in exchange, I take care of you, much, much better care than you were taking of yourself, no?” Nico allowed him to deepen the kiss, mourning the loss when he pulled back. “There’s nothing wrong with that. Is there? It’s what you’ve wanted your whole life…isn’t it?”

Nico gave a jerky nod, whispering, “Yes.”

Mal smiled like Nico’s answer pleased him, and Nico wondered if spontaneous combustion was real. “You always give into me so easily,” he murmured. “I’ve spent months jerking off in the shower, thinking about all the ways I’m going to ruin you.”

The implications of that statement set off a chain reaction in Nico’s body, his cock kicking, so much wetness leaking into his underwear. He had never felt need like this before. It was like this living thing inside him, pulsing low in his belly. A dozen emotions swirled within him, elation, lust…fear. So much fear. Fear of ruining their friendship, fear of Mal not being who Nico thought, fear of never knowing how it felt to come with Mal’s name on his lips.

“Can you start now?” Nico blurted, then buried his face in Mal’s neck, humiliation burning through him.

“As long as you understand,” Mal said, pulling him free, forcing him to look him in the eye.

“Understand?” Nico parroted, understanding nothing.

“Mm,” Mal said, finally fully releasing his wrists to slide his fingers into Nico’s hair, cradling his skull with such care, massaging his scalp.

“Understand what?” Nico asked, tongue clumsy and thoughts honeyed.

Mal’s hands tightened painfully in Nico’s hair until tears pricked at his eyes. “That you belong to me, just me.”

His possessive words and painful grip were offset by his conversational tone. It made Nico feel like he was losing it, like he was trapped in a dream. He released another shuddery breath. “You’re crazy. You said we could be friends with benefits.”

Mal scoffed. “That’s before you pushed me to come clean about everything, Fidget.” He loosened his grip on Nico’s roots, his hand finding Nico’s jaw, holding firm so he could only meet his gaze. “We can keep pretending those other guys can give you what you’re longing for if it turns you on, but if you fuck someone else”—his hand tightened on Nico’s jaw painfully—“you’re signing their fucking death certificate.”

Nico’s breath hitched, as much from the pain as the casual way Mal spoke of killing over him. Was this what it felt like to marry a Mulvaney? If so, he owed Felix and Noah a huge apology.

Mal gave him a little pout that went straight to Nico’s very confused dick. “Why do we have to keep up these stupid games now that you know the truth? You know nobody can give you what you want like I can. Nobody else will ever be enough for you.”

“I…” Nico started, then stopped, stomach churning as something occurred to him. “Was all of this just some trick to get me to trust you?”

“All of what?” Mal asked, dipping his head to bite Nico’s chin hard enough to drag another cry from him, then looked down at Nico expectantly.

God, the others were right. Mal was…unwell. How had Nico not seen it before? And why didn’t he care?

“The hours we spent talking, hanging out, watching anime, watching horror movies. Do you even like anime? Are you…are you even you ?” he managed, voice barely above a whisper, prepared for his heart to shatter into a million pieces if it was all a lie.

Mal frowned, his face adorably confused. “I never lied to you. That’s the whole point. I’ve never had to lie to you. From our very first conversation, I knew you were my ideal match. I love anime. I love horror movies. I love watching nature documentaries with you and bed rotting with you. I like cooking for you, texting you all day, dancing at the club with our friends. I love talking to you about everything and nothing. I only show my real self to you. I only started to understand my real self when I met you.”

“Shiloh was right. You’re so crazy,” Nico mumbled, running his fingers through Mal’s thick hair.

“Should I go sleep on the couch?” Mal asked, sounding like a kicked puppy.

Nico wrapped his legs around Mal’s hips, fear lancing through him. “No. Don’t. I’m—I’m just…processing.”

Mal smiled. “Okay.”

Mal might be crazy, but he was Nico’s. He required him like he required air. “Why are you telling me all this now?”

His stomach churned as Mal pushed his curls off his forehead. “I just…couldn’t help myself. After you kissed me, it just felt like it was time. Do you wish I hadn’t?”

Did he? Was life better twenty-four hours ago when he was still in the dark, smug in the knowledge that Mal only loved him? What had really changed?

Nico shook his head. “No, but now, I’m worried that I don’t really know you…” Nico admitted, inexplicably clinging to him harder.

Mal shook his head, his touch featherlight as he stroked his thumb across Nico’s lip. “It’s the opposite, really. Now, you know everything. I’m still all the things that made me your best friend.”

“Is—Is this just some personality thing you’re trying on for the night? If it is, tell me now. You know I don’t care.”

Mal shook his head adamantly. “That’s not it. No matter who I am when I wake up, I still take care of you. It’s the one constant in my life. It anchors me somehow. You know?”

Did he?

“I think so,” he finally said.

“You make me better. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could be more…direct. I wish I could somehow merge all the random parts of myself into one cohesive person that would make people more comfortable. But my brain doesn’t work like that.”

Nico’s insides twisted. He knew how much Mal struggled with all the noise in his head. “You don’t have to do that for me. You don’t have to be that for me.”

Mal cupped Nico’s face. “You have to understand that it’s all me. The part of me that needs to take care of you is just as important as the part of me that would die without you.”

Die without him… How was it that a murder wasn’t the craziest thing to happen to him that day? “Jesus, you’re so fucking intense, dude,” Nico whispered. “I was just hoping to get laid.”

The look in Mal’s eyes stole Nico’s two remaining brain cells. “I can still help you with that.”

“I-I don’t know.”

Mal’s mouth brushed his softly, and Nico opened for him immediately, sighing as Mal’s tongue slipped inside. Nico’s head grew buzzy, Mal’s kiss sending flames licking along his insides. He’d been turned on so many times today, it was starting to feel like some kind of endurance trial. He didn’t know what to do anymore.

When Mal pulled back, his free hand slid from Nico’s ribs to his nipple, flicking it with his nail. “Want me to decide for you, Fidget?”

Did he? He was so confused.

Mal crashed their mouths together as he twisted the sensitive nub between his fingers, swallowing the pained cry from Nico before saying against his lips, “I asked you a question.”

“Yes,” Nico cried, cock leaking. “Just…you decide. Tell me what I want…please.”