34. The Sinner
Chapter thirty-four
The Sinner
Dinah
“ D inah, I think you should really reconsider. He’s volatile and delusional. He could hurt you again, and you could have another fucking panic attack,” Abe growls, as he grips my forearm and forces me to meet his gaze. I can see his anxiety, and how much my stubbornness on this subject is angering him, yet even knowing that I am hurting my berserker, I refuse to back down. Once and for all, I need to know if there is no hope, and then I will have to decide if I allow myself to crumble into ash, or survive the impossible, a life without Sammy in it. “I’ve already tried to talk her out of it, Abe, but it’s no fucking use. She won’t listen, and she also refuses to see what is right in front of her. He needs to die.” My glare turns on Zeke, who dares to stare back at me, tempting me to lash out with violence in his direction.
“I have heard both of your concerns,” I raise my hand to stop their words, “and your fears. I understand that I am putting myself at risk. I understand that there may be no coming back for Sammy, but I have to know for sure. You can’t demand that I discard him, like an old shoe that no longer suits my purposes. That is exactly what Noah is accusing me of, and what Sammy has been conditioned to believe is true, despite my love for him.”
“Atasi!” Abe snarls, but I’m done listening. There is nothing, and no one, that is going to stop me. I yank my arm away from his tight hold, gritting my teeth when he immediately attempts to reclaim it. “Don’t, Abe. You may think you own me, and I allow it here and there, but do not mistake me for your property. I am my own person, and my choices are mine to make.”
“FUCK! YOU ARE SO UNREASONABLE AND STUBBORN, ATASI!” He slams his fist into a wall, and I cringe when I realize it’s his casted hand. Damn, lunatic! “You’re going to get yourself killed, and us right along with you! Dammit to hell, woman!” He yells and storms out of the room, the door slamming hard in his wake. Well, shit. A part of me wants desperately to go after him, to tell him that he’s wrong, but he’s not. Following my lead has almost ended their lives more times than I care to count. If they were both sane, they would run as far away from me as possible. Lucky for me, insanity seems to run in this band of merry deranged fuckers. Zeke’s arms wrap around me from behind, his chin resting on the top of my head, as he takes deep lungfuls of my scent. “He’s just scared, Snow, I am too. Neither of us wants to lose you.”
The sincerity and emotion in his words pour into me, and I wish I could stay here forever, safe in the circle of his strength and warmth, but I can’t. I have to put my psycho bitch panties on, and go deal with a man intent on ending my life, one of many, it seems. I pull away with regret and straighten my spine. Without a backward glance at the husband who loves me, I walk out of the room we are in and down the hall, to where Sarah has placed Sammy under lock and key. “Open the door,” I demand of the wary guard, who looks at me as if I were a poisonous insect ready to sting him. I turn and glare at everyone in the hallway standing on guard, and finally, I meet Zeke’s gemstone eyes. “No one comes in after me. No one ,“ I repeat, making myself abundantly clear, with the threat laced in my voice. I stand before the guard and reach forward, unstrapping the gun on his chest, as he flinches as if my mere touch burns him. I check that it’s fully loaded and slip it into the back of my pants, hidden by Abe’s shirt, which I am wearing.
I may be slightly insane, and desperate to make Sammy see that I never betrayed him, but I’m not stupid. He’s a caged animal, and they tend to respond to threats by ripping out your throat. I need mine intact, so I’m hoping that I won’t have to put a bullet hole in him to prove my point, but I am not leaving anything off the table. I intend to say my piece this time, and whether he chooses to listen or not, that’s up to him.
The door opens wide, and I walk through it with my head held high, and my unreadable mask securely in place, hiding all of my emotions, just as Sammy spent years teaching me to do. He stares back at me, but not with shock across his features at seeing me. Instead, I see acceptance and even, I dare say, anticipation. He was expecting me, and I don’t know whether to be happy about that, or to dread what is about to happen. “Hello, Sammy.” I close the door securely, keeping him always in my peripheral vision, but he doesn’t move an inch. Just his dark navy eyes follow all of my movements, tracking me like one does with prey. It’s unnerving, but it’s meant to be. I haven’t forgotten my lessons; he wants to set me on edge, even while he appears calm and collected, so I’ll make a mistake. Sammy has always excelled at the game of war, but now, it’s time for the student to surpass the teacher. I have too much to lose, including him, and I am not lying about what happened. These are my painful truths, and I hope he can see through the lies others have told him.
His features don’t change, as he watches me pull a straight-back black metal chair away from the little eating area Sarah must have provided for him. I place it right in front of him, leaving a few mere feet between us, but close enough that he could reach out and touch me, if he really wanted to. I refuse to show him the fear that is clawing up my insides, and making me weak. I sit myself down casually, as if I were here for a friendly chat, and not one that will determine our future, and whether either of us continues breathing. The gun pressing into my lower back provides me with a slight comfort, and confidence that if shit really goes south, I will at least be able to defend myself. I begin to feel the same stirrings of what I realize now is a panic attack rising in my chest, but I endeavor to push it all away, so I can concentrate on what needs to happen here. “What do you want, Dinah?” The lack of emotion in his tone further inflicts damage to my already fatigued soul. Does he really feel nothing for me now? Are we truly over? I can’t accept that. I won’t. Our love story can’t end like this.
“You, always you,” I reply honestly, and a muscle jumps along his unkempt whiskered jaw. Even as he sits here ragged, covered in bruises, and partially emaciated, he’s so beautiful. With his classical features, those dark eyes filled with such raw emotions, his Roman nose a little less straight from all his beatings, even the squareness of his jaw, he’s perfection to my eyes. There will never be another Sammy for me. He is the one my damaged heart calls out to, in its desperation and need. Does he not hear it screaming for him now? He doesn’t respond, but the tilt of his head indicates he’s not amused. “Get to the point of why you’re here, Night-uh Dinah .“ He catches himself at the last moment, and just with the misstep in his words, I know he’s not entirely immune to me. His heart may be hardened, but it still beats for me, just like mine does for him; I just have to break through that shell. I try not to show the tiny bubble of hope that is rising inside of me. The one that wants me to launch myself up from this chair, wrap my arms tightly around his neck, and force him to kiss me. I do none of those things, however, knowing that he clearly is not ready for that, and may never be again.
“I want you to listen, nothing more, nothing less. I would prefer if you did it without attempting to murder me, if possible. When I am done telling my version of events, of what really happened, when Noah took you away from me, if you still want nothing to do with me, then fine, Sammy, I guess I’ll have no choice but to let you go, even though you’ll break what is left of my fucking heart.” His eyes slide over my features, their caress causing my skin to flare with heat. Is he dissecting me, in an attempt to see if I’ll lie to him? There’s no point in doing so. We are at a crossroads. One branch requires that we both put down our guards, admit to our failures and pain, and try to come together in the bond we have shared in the past, the one I truly believed was stronger and could withstand anything. The other branch leads to nowhere except a desolate, barren land, where we spend eternity apart, or even end each other’s lives.
“Go on then, tell your tale,” he responds with disdain. The urge to slap the sneering look on his face raises my hand, but I force it back into my lap, threading my fingers together to prevent further violence between us. He doesn’t miss the action, the corner of his lip quirking with satisfaction, at causing me to break my cold facade. Asshole.
I take a deep breath and prepare to tell my tale, keeping to the facts as I know them, and trying to keep emotion out of it, even though that’s almost impossible. “After Noah attacked us back at the house, and Zeke was forced to stab me…” He snorts loudly in disbelief, and I raise my eyebrow in challenge. “By all means, Dinah, go on with your fairy tale, and the lies your men have told you. You always loved the villain more than the hero, and I see that hasn’t changed.” I force myself to take deep breaths, and remind myself that he’s hurt, and he’s actively trying to derail this conversation. Why, I am not sure. Is it because he’s already decided he won’t believe a word that leaves my lips, or is it because then he will have to admit his part in all of it?
I ignore his attempt to rile me up and continue, “Abe and I were taken by the rebels. Abe’s mother, Sarah, much to my surprise, is a rebel leader, and she rescued us. According to her, they were unable to save you and Zeke at the same time, due to heavy return gunfire, and you remained behind in Noah’s clutches. I was unaware of what was happening, Sammy, I spent days in a coma, fighting for my fucking life.” I lean forward until I’m closer to him, so close that I can feel the heat radiating off his body, as he sits on the end of the bed with a stern expression. “You were my tether back to this world. It was your voice I heard inside my head, imploring me to come back to you. You are the reason I didn’t give in to the darkness.” I allow my heavy words to penetrate the chasm between us. His jaw twitches, but that’s the only response I get to my declaration. “When I awoke, Abe was there to greet me. He told me what had happened, that you and Zeke were captured, and honestly, neither of us was too thrilled with Zeke’s actions. Abe was determined to rip his heart out of his chest with his bare hands, and if I’m honest, I wasn’t too far behind him on wanting my revenge on the son of a bitch.” That gets a reaction, and a small smile breaks on his lips before he wipes it away, and continues to hold me captive in this moment where only he and I exist.
“It took a bit to recover from my injury, Zeke managed to do some serious damage, and I had lost a lot of blood. He... I... fuck.” I drag my hands down my face with aggravation at not being able to articulate my feelings correctly. This is my one chance, and I feel like I’m blowing it. “Don’t sugarcoat shit, Dinah, spit it out.” I huff out a growl at how insensitive he’s being. This shit is hard; putting my trauma into words isn’t easy. I use my anger to fuel me, and the words tumble out ungracefully and tinged in resentment. “You accused me yesterday of having Zeke’s fucking baby, of betraying you, and being happy with my husband without you. That wouldn’t be fucking possible, Sammy, and not just because I could never be happy without you, but because when Zeke stabbed me, he pretty much ended my chance of carrying a child!” I rise from the chair, feeling hot all over, and wanting to pick it up and throw it at him. Instead, I force myself to grip the top of the chair and hold on for dear life. “Zeke and Abe don’t know, and I would prefer if Zeke never found out, he already lives daily with the guilt of his impossible choice.” His eyes glisten, and for a moment, I don’t know what to do. Everything inside of me wants to take him in my arms, to reassure him of my love, but I hesitate. “Is this real? Are you really here right now, telling me these truths, or are you a figment of my poisoned mind?”
Ah, fuck, I was holding it together pretty decently until those words slipped from his lips. Now I can feel the tears trickling down my face, as my throat swells with the sobs I’m holding back. “Real. I’m real, and you’re real. We are both real, and this is happening.” He nods his head, his eyes never leaving mine, as I use the back of my hand to clean my face. “I... um... where was I? We received a tip from the rebels that Noah was up to no good again, and was trying to marry Zeke off to someone else’s sacred daughter. He had convinced members of the Brotherhood that I was dead, killed off by the Unholy Ghost.” Now it’s my turn to snort at the absurdity of killing myself. “I knew that you were both together, and even though I didn’t understand why Zeke had done what he did, my focus was on rescuing you , and ending his life.”
I force myself back into the chair, and I notice that he is leaning his body closer to me, instead of away from me. Baby steps, Dinah. “We went there for you, Sammy. I was attempting to rescue you, not Zeke. When I encountered him, all I wanted to do was murder him where he dared stand with another bride, ready to say his vows. I’m not going to lie to you, and tell you that it didn’t hurt me to see him there, regardless of if he was being coerced. I didn’t trust him. Sometimes, I think I still don’t, then I remember all they have willingly suffered for me. Noah managed to disappear with you, before we made it to where you were being held. We gave chase, but he had gone to ground, the rat, and we couldn’t find you.”
He releases a deep sigh. “Zeke was forced to stab you, as much as I hate the fucker, and make no mistake, if you give me a blade, I’ll stab out his fucking eye. He loves you in his own demented way. He loves that big psychopath too, and he was backed into a corner by his demon father.” Hearing him speak, without targeting his rage at me, creates another bubble of hope, one stacked on top of the other, that I may still reach the top, and that Sammy and I can be free of all the pain and misunderstandings that surround us. “That’s what led us to David. We searched on our own with no promising results. It was like finding a tiny needle in a steaming pile of dragon shit. Possible, but very messy and time-consuming, and I was worried we wouldn’t get to you in time. The only bonus, if you can even call it one, was that we killed a lot of Brotherhood members along the way.” This time I get a genuine smile from him, one that makes his eyes crinkle at the edges, and takes some of the strain from his features.
“When David approached me, with proof that he knew where you were and I saw your condition, I immediately agreed, regardless of the risks. It was a fucking trap. Abe and Zeke both warned me it was a trap, but faithfully followed me head-first into it anyway, the fools.” He bites his lip and soothes it with his tongue, and fuck me, I want desperately to lick that lip. How I miss the taste and feel of him on my lips. How my body craves his touch and his warmth. It’s as if a limb has been ripped from me, and it’s right before me, waiting to be reattached. He drags his abused hands through the mess of his hair, and I can see clearly that he’s struggling. Is his mind playing tricks on him, making him believe that I am not here with him? “Sammy, I’m here, and this is real. Baby, please come back to me. Being without you hurts so badly.”
“I... I don’t know what to say, Dinah. This... fuck, this doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel possible. The things they showed me, that they said... I believed them. I...” He gets up from the bed and begins pacing back and forth, always keeping some distance between us, and giving me terrified glances, as if he can’t reconcile himself with my presence, and what I am telling him. “You never stopped trying to... rescue me?” His voice is so low, almost a whisper, and my heart aches for him. For the man who thought I could abandon him like that.
“Never, Sammy. I would have rather died trying to get to you, than allow you to perish alone.”