Bear

Chapter 15

Elena explained: a creature that did not exist on their island, did not belong in their lives, had nevertheless come. It swam long miles in the wet black night to arrive at their home. Made an exception of itself, and of them, to every rule. It was supposed to be gruff but was instead tender. It was supposed to be wild but behaved like it was tamed. It came to Elena on the path as gentle as a suitor. Is that not wonderful? she asked Sam. Doesn’t that seem like magic to you?

“Is a raccoon getting into a garbage can magic?” Sam said. “It’s an animal. Messing around where it shouldn’t be.”

Elena laughed. Sam was still sitting on the toilet lid, looking up at her sister. The length of Elena’s neck and the point of her chin. “He isn’t a raccoon, though, is he?” Elena said. “He’s something we’ve never seen before.”

As Elena walked to work, she said, she found herself hoping she would see it again. She no longer listened to music on the trail. She spent that time watching. The half hour she had to travel was private, shadowed. The only noises were the occasional car whizzing down the road and the creaking of tree branches overhead. For years, her way down that path had been a lonely routine, but now the walks were a joy because she knew something was out there with her. Something to look forward to. Something spectacular, a thing she might see that no one else who was speeding by would. A wild animal, yes. Like Sam had said. Wild and shocking and free.

“So you haven’t been getting rides,” Sam said.

“When I can,” Elena said, “I do.” But rides weren’t always available. Kristine didn’t have her identical schedule. Sometimes she had to go on foot.

Sam said, “I would drive you.”

Elena said that wasn’t her point. She asked if Sam understood what she was saying. Sam was trying her best.

Elena kept going. It was a gift, she said, to see it. She said she’d been thinking all week of what it had been like to come across it that way in the woods. Its bulk between trees. Its gaze. When it looked at her, she said, she could feel every drop of blood in her body. She felt her muscles twitching and the shape of the breath in her lungs. She felt alive—more alive than she knew was possible—like she and the bear were the only living creatures that had ever been.

Sam twisted up her mouth. “Even though it could’ve killed you any second.”

Elena shook her head at that. “That wasn’t how it was at all.”

“It’s a bear.”

Not simply a bear, Elena said. This one was different.

Sam nodded, trying to follow. Elena went on: “He chose us.” It approached them, observed them, showed with its behavior that it wished to stand alongside them. It wasn’t here to hurt them.

“You’re talking like you want to kiss it,” Sam said. Joking. She wanted Elena to laugh at that.

“I’m not crazy.”

“Oh, good,” Sam said. “You could’ve fooled me.”

Elena did laugh, then. “Am I saying anything that isn’t real?” she asked. “That isn’t happening?” This bear was here. It sat on their front step, practically knocking on their door. It walked to and from work beside them. It was theirs.

“It’s ours,” Sam repeated.

Elena exhaled. “I’m trying to be as clear as possible but I know I’m not saying this right. Sammy, when was the last time you felt really alive?”

“I’m alive right now,” Sam said.

“Not like that. I’m serious. When?”

“Right now,” Sam said. “With you.”

Elena wasn’t satisfied. Her lips thinned. She probably thought that Sam was being flippant, but Sam wasn’t, Sam meant it—she did. She was aware of the flat cold under her legs and the dulled voices of the television through the wall and every odd word uttered by her sister in this room.

“Well,” Elena said. “For me—it’s been—it’s been a hard time.”

“With the bear?”

No, Elena said. Before that. For a long time before.

Sam kept listening. Elena said she wasn’t complaining. It wasn’t worth complaining. It was a fact, she said, things had been difficult. The regulars, her manager, the tiny tips, the occasionally docked wages. The accounts. The bills. She didn’t need to get into it—it wasn’t worth getting into—but obviously it had been hard, these years, Sam out of work, the pandemic, and Elena supporting them all, and Sam shouldn’t try to say anything, there was nothing to say, it was just the way it was, but it had been hard, going to work every day with the weight of the household on her shoulders, fearing bringing the virus home to their mother’s lungs, feeling sometimes like she couldn’t keep going but knowing she had to, they needed her to, there was no way around it. The money owed on the credit cards. The question of how long they would be able to continue this way.

“I didn’t know it got to you like that,” Sam said.

Elena lifted her hands from the edge of the sink. “How could it not? It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. I want things to be better than this.”

“I do, too,” Sam said. “They will be.”

“No, I know you’re thinking…I want it now. I want to hire someone to take care of Mom during the day. But we can’t afford it. Or I want it to be easier for one of us to stay home. I want her in a clinical trial where she gets better meds. I want her not to be in pain.” She wasn’t looking at Sam but at the floor. “I want us to feel good. I don’t want to wait anymore.”

“It’s coming.”

Elena raised her face then. Her cheeks were still damp. “No,” she said. “That’s what I’ve been telling you. It’s here.”

The bear, she said. The bear. It lit her days. Just hoping—knowing that she might see it—knowing it was there to be seen.

The bear had come and brought delight. The bear was deep-furred majesty. Without it, Elena didn’t know what they’d do. The bear was their one good thing: a specter, a spirit, an extraordinary beast. A visitor from someplace enchanted. A vision of the mysterious world.

What had the bear done to harm them? Nothing. What threat did it pose? None at all. So why bring in someone to chase it away? There was no reason. The bear was here, briefly and beautifully, teaching them what it was to love living, helping them to make it through.

“Do you understand?” Elena asked. And Sam, sitting down, looking up, had to agree.