Beautiful Terror (Burn It All Down Duet #2)

73. Big Sis Mic Drop

CHAPTER 73

BIG SIS MIC DROP

MARGAUX

A FEW DAYS LATER

I sit at my desk, laptop open, staring at the unopened email from my sister, Amanda. The subject line reads, ‘ To My Sister.’

I’ve been keeping her in the loop as best as I can—occasionally talking to her on the phone when Timmy’s having a particularly volatile day.

Amanda’s been through enough in her life to understand what’s happening, even though I’ve spared her the grittiest details.

But today, the bold subject line feels heavier than usual.

I finally click the email open, but the words blur together on the screen. One phrase jumps out like a red flag slapping me in the face: your funeral.

I slam the laptop shut.

I can’t. I just can’t.

She thinks I’m going to die. She thinks Timmy will kill me.

The enormity of those words presses on my chest. Amanda has always been straight-talking, but seeing her fears laid bare feels suffocating. And yet… it’s not entirely surprising.

Timmy has been better lately—apologetic, promising to change. He’s gone two whole days without yelling or doing something cruel. Isn’t that a start? Doesn’t progress take time?

Each day, I peek at the email again, but I can’t bring myself to read it all. Every time I try, it feels like the words might swallow me whole.

But Amanda’s voice echoes in the back of my mind, steady and firm.

Finally, I steel myself and open it.

I think by now that you know, Margaux, that I care about you very much and that Roger and I are very concerned about you and for you.

So I am going to be very blunt with what I am saying to you.

That’s the setup that makes it hard to keep going, but I appreciate her honesty.

Whatever way you choose to hear and react to what I am saying, it will not change the way I feel about you, and that I want you to be part of my life and I yours.

I love my sister so much.

Margaux—you are in an abusive, controlling, manipulating, violent relationship with a person that you cannot and never will be able to change or help.

The words hit me hard.

Of course, I know she’s right. Timmy’s promises to change only come when I’m ready to leave, and they’re never consistent. He’s always said he needs me to be better, that he can’t change without me by his side.

But Amanda sees through that.

The only person that can help Timmy is himself, and a very long stint in a rehabilitation program, and even then, the chances for him to remain drug-free are slim.

The work required by Timmy for immense change within himself is huge, and requires a rehabilitation program for a start of at least 6 weeks.

She’s right again.

I’ve tried to convince Timmy to start therapy and attend AA meetings, and he’s promised he would.

But six weeks? Timmy doesn’t stick to anything for more than six days.

It requires determination, the fierce desire to improve, and a strength that does not come from oneself but from a connection with God, Divine, Source—whichever name you wish to call it.

I sigh.

Timmy talks a lot about wanting to be better. But he has no impulse control and no executive function. Timmy’s connection to anything spiritual is nonexistent.

He can barely connect to reality most days.

Unfortunately, Margaux, you are enabling Timmy.

Each time you stay or come back after being abused, you are basically letting Timmy know that you are okay with being whacked around and mistreated in this way.

Ouch. That one stings. I’m not okay with being hurt.

I tell him it’s wrong, and he promises it won’t happen again. And for a little while, it doesn’t.

He’s so convincing, showing me glimpses of the man I fell for.

But those moments of peace always dissolve into chaos.

It is very common in abusive and drug-related relationships for this to happen.

A person does not have the power to change another person, and it’s wasted energy to even try.

He always tells me I’m the only one who’s ever been able to help him.

But… has he changed at all?

Deep down, I know the answer.

But Margaux—a person, YOU—have the power to change yourself which in turn changes the way you think and feel, which in turn changes your outlook and experiences in real life.

Her words feel like a guiding star, reminding me I do have agency—reminding me of who I used to be, and who I still am at my core.

I imagine that you have few true supportive people left in your life right now.

I imagine Timmy did a spectacular job of mistreating those friends, acting antisocially and abusively in front of them and showing disrespect to you and mistreating you in front of these friends and supportive people in your life.

I wince. She’s not wrong. I’ve been careful about who I tell about the reality of our relationship, partly out of embarrassment and partly because I know Timmy’s behavior is indefensible.

Thank god for Alice and Jo and Stacey, and a select few others who I can trust.

He’s actually pretty good at being charming around people I introduce him to—or is he? Maybe that’s just a narrative I’ve created in my head.

He certainly wasn’t charming when he kidnapped my friend’s son.

He’s been cordial to Paulo over the phone, but I also get the sense he’s scared of him.

His behavior toward Jo was beyond vile.

Alice won’t be buying him a BFF necklace any time soon, although thankfully he’s made no attempt to contact her.

And he hasn’t really met anyone else.

He hasn’t charmed anyone lately.

Rebecca and Jetson tolerated him for a while, but he’s made a fool of himself in front of them too, and now neither of them wants anything to do with him.

Darren and Steve—his supposed best friends—have even distanced themselves.

Hmmm… maybe she has a point.

So basically Timmy was successful in his purpose, to control you, to alienate you from people who care about you, and to intimidate you to do what he wants.

He did isolate me. He convinced me to move to this side of the island, where I knew no one.

Every time I mention seeing Rebecca, his jealousy flares, so I’ve stopped bringing it up.

Would I be correct in assuming that this is not the first abusive, controlling relationship you have been in, that there may have been many.

I mean, there was the guy I married when I was sixteen.

He’d control me by threatening to kill himself if I left him.

He hated me because I was better at physics than him in high school, and now he’s a physicist.

Then, when I returned to New Zealand, the guy I was with was physically abusive and extremely emotionally abusive. Tried to smother me with a pillow one day. Told me he was going to put me in a hospital. Called me ugly and fat and dumb and made me feel like the most hideous person on the planet.

There was the one guy I dated who I worked with who would run up to me and scream things like ‘suck my balls, bitch!’ A real charmer, that one.

And then husband number three.

He didn’t hit me, but he did tell me he was going to break my jaw.

Only my uncle showing up in his police uniform and giving him a talking-to seemed to strike the fear of God into him, so he never tried.

My sister doesn’t know about many—if any—of these. But yet, she somehow knows.

Look for the patterns in your life, and relationships in your life, Margaux.

Insight—gain and learn insight, Margaux.

Well fuck.

The patterns are undeniable.

It started before I had a relationship with any guy.

Once, my mother grounded me for six weeks because I was home two minutes late from walking the dog.

She controlled my every movement—what I ate, who I spent time with, where I went. Forced me to say she was my best friend.

Hell , she even used to read my diary.

This means take a look at yourself from the outside, watch yourself and the way you act and react.

See the patterns.

I’m always trying to fix everything.

To be liked.

To be a good person.

To help everyone, even when they won’t help themselves.

I assume that everyone else operates the same, although I’m beginning to learn that most really don’t.

I downplay the worst things because it’s easier that way.

It’s easier to lean into the good and believe that’s the real truth—in this case, the real Timmy .

Alice’s words echo in my mind: he’s a violent person with good moments.

If you choose to stay where you are at, I hope you have all your stuff in order, because I see very little hope for you and your future life.

In fact, I’m sorry, but all I see is devastation and your funeral.

My heart shatters.

I don’t want my friends and family to be standing over my casket, wondering why I let a guy nowhere near good enough for me end my life way too soon.

I don’t want a piece of shit like Timmy to be the reason I don’t get to see my dreams play out.

I don’t want my life to end this way.

I have goals.

Books to write.

Stories to tell.

Movies to be produced based on my books.

And maybe, just maybe, a life much happier than what mine has become.

If you choose life and change, Margaux, we can help and support you through it.

But it is an impossible task to help/support you or anyone, if you don't take the steps to help yourself as well.

You were given the contact details from the police for help and support.

I have sent you the information for the Al-Anon contacts, meetings and support for yourself.

Did you take the steps to contact these organizations? I presume not.

I guess you have a place to start then, if your choice is life and living.

Heck, I even have a wonderful therapist whom I have sessions with by zoom meetings.

You will never have experienced anything like it before.

You may want to have some sessions yourself for some instant life-changing changes.

I blink through my tears, grateful for her honesty. She’s not just chastising me—she’s offering me a way out.

But I am trying to get in to see a therapist. It’s just not that easy in this country.

I did speak with a domestic violence advocate but, beyond basic advice, they weren’t able to do a lot.

I don’t feel like I could go to a shelter. And what about Sabre?

Al-Anon might help, but I don’t really like the underpinning beliefs of the organization behind it.

I feel a bit defensive.

I work on myself and my spiritual practices every day; it requires focus and a want to be a happy stress-free person.

Happy and stress-free. How I would love that.

You are so smart, Margaux. You can do anything you want to and experience anything you want to.

Is where you are at right now in your life really how you want to be living, breathing, and being?

Fuck no.

Your life, Margaux, your future and your choices.

What will you choose, is the question to answer for yourself.

Lots of love from your sister, Amanda xxxxx

Tears flow.

I’m thrown.

The email isn’t the villain I built it up to be.

It’s raw and blunt, yes, but it kind of needed to be. It’s also full of love.

Amanda cares about me more than I realized.

Timmy always pitches everything as us against the world, and maybe that’s why I’ve been so defensive. But reading her words, I realize— What do we even have?

Nothing worth keeping.

Definitely nothing worth dying for.

How lucky I am to have someone like my big sis in my corner.

And how foolish I’d be not to listen.