Because of You (Part Of Me #2)

Prologue

PROLOGUE

DECLAN

Noise.

All day there’s been too much fucking noise in my head.

The voices inside my head are screaming. Colors are too bright. Voices are too loud.

My hands have been shaking with the desperate need to reach for the one thing that has the power to calm me down. But I’ve been fighting the urges.

For her. For him.

For my family.

They don’t deserve to be burdened by a worthless excuse of a husband and father. A man who can’t remain sober for one fucking night.

One night. I can do it. I’ve done it before. Sure, it’s been a while. But I can do it.

I can. I have to.

My suit is too tight.

My eyelids are heavy.

I need something.

Anything.

My heart races as if it’s mere seconds from beating out of my chest.

In the distance, I hear someone calling my name, but I’m unable to determine if it’s in my head or not.

Not until it gets louder.

The voice calls, “Yo, Dec!” The tone is familiar and getting closer.

The voice calls out my name again, and this time I look up. Sliding one hand in my pocket, I use the other to remove the cigarette hanging from my lips.

My eyes land on the one person who can provide me with the relief I need. The one person I shouldn’t be seeing. It’s as if I summoned him to me. He knew I needed him, so he came to deliver.

Came to feed my demons.

Unable to control myself, laughter spills from my lips at the sight of my savior's new hairstyle.

His big head is buzzed on the sides, and there’s a patch of bright neon-green hair that contains so much fucking gel it’ll take him a year to wash it out.

Tommy’s appearance isn’t what you’d expect from a drug dealer. But then again, how is a drug dealer supposed to look?

“Hey man.” I toss my cigarette to the ground of the alley and stub it out with my boot, lifting myself away from the brick wall I’d been leaning against.

“Long time no see.” We bump fists by way of greeting. “What are you up to these days, man?” He leans against the brick wall and reaches into his pocket for a pack of smokes. After removing one from the pack, he places it between his thin, pale lips and lights it up.

Unease washes over me. I’m not in a good headspace and haven’t been for a while now. It’s been three months since I returned home from Riot’s latest tour, and each day has been a fucking struggle. My wife watches my every move like a hawk and never lets me be. She’s been holding my balls so fucking tight, and I need her to let go so I can breathe. Just once.

Thankfully, Tommy is the key to helping me feel better, but it’ll come at a price.

If I take the type of help he can offer, Camille will be furious with me. One of these days, she’ll make good on her threats to leave my sorry ass behind.

“Yo! Are you okay?” he asks, drawing me away from my thoughts.

“All good man,” I tell him. “Just thinking.” I step away from him, shoving my hands into the front pockets of my black pants. “I got my wife and kid inside the restaurant. I should get back to them.”

“Alright man. It was good seeing you.” He extends his fist to me, and I bump it with mine as I give him a nod.

I’m halfway down the alley when my legs stop moving, and my feet melt into the pavement, keeping me rooted in place. A knot forms in the pit of my stomach. I know what I’m about to do, and the thought enrages me. Knowing what I need to feel better disgusts me. I’m going to let my family down.

I always do.

I’m so fucking weak.

I don’t want to be this person. I’ve always wanted to be better than my drug-addicted parents. Better than all the stereotypes that were pushed onto me.

Most importantly, I want to be better for those that matter most to me.

My wife and son.

Camille doesn’t know I have these demons that I struggle to fight daily, and I can never tell her. Not when I already feel her slipping further away from me day by day. I promised her time and time again that I’d clean up my act. Sometimes I mean the words, but most of the time I stare into her captivating green eyes and know it’s nothing but a lie.

The lies taste like acid on my tongue, but they always come easy.

Three weeks ago, I looked her in the eyes and promised I was sober. The second she turned around, I downed a bottle of cheap vodka to make myself feel better for lying to her.

She doesn’t love me anymore, and it’s one of the worst feelings. We’re more roommates than husband and wife. Four years married, and it’s not getting better. Day after day, it only gets worse. I know it’s my fault, but instead of doing anything to help save our marriage, I’m allowing it to fall apart.

All thanks to my addiction and lies.

I’m not a good husband. I’m not even a good person.

Most days, I think about how much better off those around me would be if I ended it.

Camille doesn’t tell me she loves me anymore. She doesn’t smile when she sees me, and she doesn’t kiss me spontaneously anymore. The only time she allows me to touch her is when she’s climbing on my dick. And that’s only after she gets so fed up with me and begins screaming at me.

Five minutes into a screaming match, I end up buried balls deep inside of her, and our fight is a thing of the past. It’s the same routine. We’re going in circles and getting nowhere.

Tonight, I saw that look in her eyes. The same look that tells me she’s tired. Tired of me. Tired of our life together. I’ve been selfishly sucking the life out of my beautiful girl for four years.

Bile rises in my throat as I walk toward Tommy, clearly deciding what I’m going to do. I’ll get a fix just one more time, and then I’ll stay clean and focus on my marriage and being the best father to Luca.

Just once. That’s all I need.

The face of my wife and son are all I see behind my eyelids as I feel my inner demons threaten to ruin me.

“Tommy!” I call out, turning around to face my savior. “You got some blow?” I ask, resigned to face my fate.

A sinister smirk spreads across his thin lips. “I got you, man. Just got some new shit in that I think you’ll like.”

What a fuck-up I am.

I don’t deserve the life I have—or my family.

I deserve the white powder Tommy slips into my hand after I give him cash from my wallet.

“Take it easy, Dec. I’ll see you around.” Tommy walks off, a wide fucking smile on his face.

Soon, I’ll be the one smiling.

I waste no time opening the baggie, dipping my car key inside, and snorting the white powder.

My fix hits me, and suddenly I’m floating on cloud nine.

My happiness is back.

I’m myself again.

Nothing is wrong.

I’m happy now.

This is what I needed.

Just one more time.

I’ll quit after this.

I promise.

I meet my family back inside the restaurant. I’m just in time to pay the bill as they finish their meal and pack up.

I see the way Camille looks at me as we leave. She’s angry that I disappeared for who knows how long. She’s trying to ruin my high, but I won’t allow it. I’m too happy to let her fuck it up this time.

She always ruins my high.

Doesn’t she want me to be happy?

The sky rumbles with an angry roar of thunder just moments before wet droplets land on my cheeks. There’s a moment of calm before the storm, and I stand there watching Camille place Luca into his car seat, watching her red painted lips move, unable to make out the words.

One second, I’m standing there dry and warm, and the next, my hair is slick with wetness against my face, the cold raindrops soaking through the fabric of my clothing, and a chill settling in my veins.

Nothing good ever happens when it rains .

An ominous feeling washes over me as the devil whispers in my ear.

Get into the car!

Fingers snapping in my face draw me away from my stupor. “Declan!” Camille hisses, her annoyance with me rising. Can’t blame her for being irritated with me. I haven’t been listening to a single thing she’s said.

“Give me the fucking keys!” Her awaiting palm is between us, but I push it away.

“Get in the car, Cam. It’s fucking cold.” I climb into the driver’s seat before she has a chance to protest.

I’m sure I could try a little harder to pay attention to what she’s saying as she climbs into the passenger seat, but it’s hard to focus when I’m seeing two of her. I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before from the magic white powder friend that’s burning a hole in my pocket. I feel like I’m floating, and my body feels heavy.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken so much. I don’t feel good anymore.

Dizzy. I’m so dizzy.

I should’ve let her drive. That’s all I can think of as I hear the crushing sound of metal on metal. It’s followed by her piercing scream and tires squealing.

My body jerks, crashing through something hard, and then I’m flying.

Flying through the night with cold, wet air on my face.

The world spins around me, and I feel weightless.

Free.

I’m flying…

And then I collide into the darkness and hit rock bottom. I realize I should’ve given my wife the one thing she asked for.

Instead, I was selfish and refused her.

I’ll never get the chance to make it up to her.

I refused to give her what she deserved, and because of me, I killed the one person we both loved the most in the world.

Our son.