Chapter 17
Rosalind
The door closed behind Rosalind, and she stood on the other side of it staring at her phone.
The message was simply that she needed to get to the hospital, nothing more than that, but she could guess the rest. She took a couple of deep breaths before she was finally able to walk forward.
Everything was in turmoil. She couldn’t turn back, no matter how badly she wanted to, but she also knew what she would be facing when she went forward.
Everything in her wanted to rush back into the apartment and beg Jane for forgiveness, but Jane deserved better.
She deserved someone who could focus on her and be there for her and with her.
Rosalind could barely care for herself most days.
She shook her head. Rosalind knew she was being ridiculous, but that was only proving her point.
She knew she loved Jane, that wasn’t a question at this point, but could she really be what Jane wanted?
What she needed? Rosalind doubted that. Jane was probably looking for something more, something simple.
Yes, she was saying that she wanted to travel, but what did that really look like?
Rosalind wanted to get back into the thick of things, to go places where she was needed.
The idea of traveling to some exotic location to vacation was reprehensible.
That was what Jane wanted, Rosalind was sure of it.
She deserved it, even Rosalind could admit that this job was difficult, no matter the circumstances, and Jane deserved an extended vacation, however she wanted it.
Rosalind, on the other hand, didn’t want the jet-setting life.
She wanted to help. She wanted to go to the places where her own life was in danger, where the people needed her help.
The places that would break most people.
It wasn’t that Jane wouldn’t be strong enough to handle it; it was just that she deserved better.
Rosalind forced herself to believe that there was no future for the two of them, there couldn’t be.
Still, each step put just a bit more distance between them, distance that Rosalind didn’t think could be reconciled.
She also knew that she needed to talk to Jane about this rather than make the decision for her, but she was afraid.
She couldn’t live with the thought that she had coerced Jane into running headlong into a life where she would be miserable, but she wasn’t sure she’d be able to live with Jane’s rejection, either.
Rosalind’s mind didn’t return to itself until she had already walked two blocks in the opposite direction of her car.
Glancing backward through the intersection she watched the light turn green, just as she was getting ready to step onto the crosswalk, a car came running through the light and across the intersection.
She gritted her teeth at the driver as they passed, but just shook her head.
She would never get used to small city life, or any city life for that matter.
She started to cross the intersection again but decided against going back.
It wasn’t worth the extra time to retrieve it, the car would be fine where it was for now.
Another message pinged on her phone, and she knew that this was it.
She practically ran the rest of the way to the hospital and her mother was at the doors as she approached.
“Is this it?” her mother asked as they pushed through the doors. Rosalind could feel the strength emanating from her mother as they walked side by side through the lobby and waiting room. How had she not seen this before?
“I don’t know,” Rosalind answered honestly.
Their eyes met when they reached the door of her father’s room.
Rosalind took a deep breath and pulled the door open to find Dr. Mars standing over her father, the machines pulsing slowly.
His eyes fluttered, but he didn’t wake. Rosalind watched her mother take his hand and gaze softly over him, he took a breath, and Rosalind counted the space between them. It wouldn’t be long now.
Everything began to crystallize around her.
She had come here thinking that her mother needed her, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
She thought she’d be trapped, but no one even expected her to stay.
She never dreamed that she’d fall for someone in this small city, but even standing here with her hands on her mother’s shoulders, she couldn’t stop thinking about Jane.
Panic started to settle into Rosalind’s chest. Nothing was what she expected, nothing at all.
Even standing here waiting for her father’s last breath felt wrong.
Her entire career, her entire life has been spent fighting this very thing.
She wanted to save her father, every impulse in her screamed that she should be doing something.
Rosalind looked over at Dr. Mars, who wore a similar expression, but they both knew that there was nothing left to do here.
Her father took another gasping breath, and tears slipped from Rosalind’s eyes.
Nothing else mattered—not the future, not her plans—just this moment.
As her father released the breath it didn’t catch again.
The machines around him began an electric drone informing them that his heart had finally stopped.
For a brief moment, or eternity, Rosalind couldn’t tell, they watched her father’s body, no longer a hub for his light, for his soul, before Dr. Mars finally spoke, her voice barely a whisper.
“Time of death, 2:34,” she turned to Rosalind and her mother. “I’m so sorry.”
Rosalind nodded, tears blurring her vision. She tried to say thank you, but nothing came out but a strangled gasp of air.
“I’ll give you a moment,” Doctor Mars said and quickly stepped out of the room.
Her mother collapsed into the chair next to the bed and put her head on her father’s chest and cried.
Rosalind snatched out her phone and tried to call Jane.
She knew she had messed up, and this was probably all the wrong ways to try and say it, but she knew now, more than ever, that she wanted Jane.
She didn’t care how or why or what they had to do, she wanted to be with Jane, and even if it meant spending the rest of her life in Phoenix Ridge, it would be worth it.
Jane didn’t answer, and Rosalind put the phone down and rubbed her mother’s back.
They knew this was coming, they had both been waiting for it, but it still didn’t seem real.
Rosalind had dealt with more death than almost anyone—she’d saved lives, she’d lost patients.
She’d been the one to explain to loved ones that the person wasn’t coming back, but no matter how many times she’d explained it, no matter how many different ways she put it, death was just one of those things that was impossible to truly understand.
Her mother’s sobs heaved against her hand as she cried herself out, while tears slipped silently from Rosalind’s eyes.
She tried to call Jane again. She knew it was beyond inappropriate at a time like this, but she couldn’t help herself.
Still, Jane didn’t answer. She dropped the phone into her pocket and focused instead on her mother, whose sobs were starting to slow.
Her mother stood up, and Rosalind embraced her, they cried on each other for a while, Rosalind couldn’t say how long.
Eventually, the nurses came in and started removing the tubes and machines that had been monitoring him for the last couple of days.
For the next several hours, Rosalind felt like she was treading water.
Her mind was numb. She had cried all she could.
Her mother was walking around in the same fog, just trying to get things settled.
The hospital staff took Rosalind’s father down to the morgue, but there was no need for an autopsy.
They arranged for the funeral home to pick him up and headed down to the cafeteria for some much-needed coffee.
“Well, it’s finally over,” her mother said with a heaving breath. She had been crying off and on since arriving at the hospital, and Rosalind was sure that she was at the same point of exhaustion. Rosalind checked her phone again, hoping for a call from Jane, but it was still silent.
“You sound relieved,” Rosalind said, it wasn’t judgmental, just observant.
“I am, in a way,” her mother said with a deep breath. “It’s hard to explain, but I’m glad it’s over. Of course, I wish it could have gone differently. I wish he had never gotten sick, but the waiting, that was awful, for all of us, including your father.”
Rosalind nodded; she completely understood what she meant.
Rosalind had watched many family members suffer in silence when there was nothing left or that medicine could do.
It felt like the most awful thought in the world that someone would be relieved when they lose someone, but sometimes that’s exactly what happens.
It didn’t mean you didn’t love them or didn’t want them to stay around, just that the suffering was finally over.
Still, guilt crept into the sentiment whether Rosalind wanted it or not.
Finally, her mother decided that she was going to go home and get some rest. Rosalind let her leave, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave the hospital just yet.
She headed back to her office, and for the first time, she really broke down and cried.
She laid her head down on her desk and sobbed, allowing the grief to wash over her.
She had known it was coming, but somewhere, somehow, she had believed that maybe this wasn’t going to be the end, yet here it was.
She was done here. Her mother was taken care of, no thanks to Rosalind of course, and her father was gone—there was nothing left in this hospital for her now.
She glanced at her phone again, but still Jane had not returned her call.
Surely by now Jane had heard about her father’s passing, and he was Jane’s patient.
She would have to call eventually, Rosalind tried to convince herself of that.
Finally, Rosalind picked herself up from her desk.
She had arrangements to make, and she needed to check in on her mother.
Still, everything felt heavy. It was all too hard to take on alone.
She wanted Jane. No, she needed Jane. She had to just tell her how she felt, all of it.
Jane would have to decide for herself if she wanted a life with Rosalind, but right now in this hollowed out state, Rosalind knew that she had to try.
She picked up the phone and dialed Jane’s number.