Chapter 8
8
“ M en are the sport of circumstances, when the circumstances seem the sport of men.” —Lord Byron
As the summer months progressed, Jack and I spent a good deal of time together. We didn’t call ourselves “boyfriends” per se but we were certainly “seeing each other” or maybe even “dating,” though not in a traditional sense. We simply were going with the flow. We enjoyed each other’s company and the sex was amazing. Why question?
Rather than traditional dating activities such as dinners out and movies, we watched a lot of baseball. Mostly televised games, but we did use Jack’s Nationals tickets often and even took an excursion to Baltimore to see the Orioles play for the hell of it.
The complication of Paul was resolved without any awkward explanations about how I was kind of, sort of seeing someone else. Paul called to tell me he was being sent to Indonesia for a work assignment and would be out of the country for three months. I congratulated him because I could tell he was thrilled. When he told me he’d get in touch with me when he returned, I didn’t hesitate to tell him that sounded great. A lot could happen in three months.
“So I was thinking about what I want to do for my… you know.”
Jack was lying flat across his sofa with his arms tucked under his head. He kept his eyes trained on the flatscreen while he spoke. Everything about him was languid and relaxed. We’d spent most of that lazy Sunday morning in bed and had eventually made our way back to the living area to grab something to eat. I noticed the gentle rise and fall of his chest and the way his snug T-shirt had hiked up, exposing his belly button and the calligraphic writing just between his pelvis bones I’d been tracing with my tongue all morning. I felt myself stir and looked away. I didn’t have another round in me yet. Jack may have been fourteen years older than me, but the man was insatiable.
“For your what? Birthday?”
“No. That’s not ’til January. Let’s not even go there, please. No, I was talking about my choice of… you know….”
I sat up and turned to give him my full attention. I didn’t know. What was he talking about? I asked and nearly got my head bitten off.
“For fuck’s sake! For someone who’s so anal, you forget stuff rather easily. I’m talking about you choosing dinner and a movie and me choosing…. something else.”
Since I was in danger of bursting into what Jack would probably consider an inappropriate fit of laughter, I gave the Dodgers my full attention and bit the inside of my cheek.
“Oh. That was a long time ago. I thought you forgot about it.” I went for nonchalant and was pleased with my delivery.
“Nice try. Nope.” Jack sat up and pulled my left arm hard, dragging me over to his side of the sofa. “Are you free next weekend? Saturday and Sunday.”
“Two days?” My pulse sped up. What was he up to?
“Yeah. It’s only fair. Yours was stretched over two days… at least.”
“I don’t know how you can so comfortably live in an alternate universe. Dinner was one night, but yes, I’m free both days. What are we doing?”
Jack gathered me close to his side and kissed my temple, my cheek, my chin, and then my nose.
“You’ll see.”
The only information Jack gave me about our plans the following weekend was to pack lightly— as in, fit your shit in a backpack , were his exact words—bring sturdy shoes for hiking, and be ready by 8:00 a.m. Saturday morning. Since he said the word hiking , I assumed we would be doing that at some point, but otherwise, I had no clue. Once again, I surprised myself by calmly turning over the reins to Jack. This was his thing. He knew me well enough now to know what I liked and didn’t. I trusted him.
Of course it was drizzling Saturday morning. I threw a hooded red jacket on and waited for Jack outside, with my backpack at my feet. I had too much nervous energy to sit around my apartment for a minute longer. I was bound to get soaked on the back of his bike, so a little moisture now hardly mattered. At seven fifty, I was reading e-mails on my cell phone as I listened for the telltale sound of his engine driving up my quiet street.
“Hey there. You gonna stand on that street corner like a hustler all morning, or are you climbing in? I’ve got places to go, honey.”
I looked up from my phone to see Jack behind the wheel of a pickup truck. A sleek, shiny red pickup truck. I couldn’t help the insta-grin on my face at seeing him. I wished I could play it cooler, but I didn’t have it in me to pretend I hadn’t missed him all week. I would have been perfectly content to sit on either of our sofas watching sports all weekend as long as I got to be with him, but the prospect of an unknown adventure was undeniably thrilling. The grin wasn’t going anywhere for a while.
I fastened the seat belt and turned to get my first good look at Jack in almost a week. His usually clean-shaven face was covered in a day’s worth of manly stubble. I had always loved the contrast of his longish hair and smooth jaw, and although he sported a sexy end-of-the-day stubbled look every now and then, this was by far the scruffiest I’d ever seen him. And wow, it was really fucking sexy. I had no idea I had a type. Rugged, muscular, and outdoorsy… sold.
Jack gave me a sideways glance, no doubt noticing my scrutinizing stare. His smile lifted the corners of his generous mouth and crinkled his eyes cheerfully. He maneuvered the truck out of traffic and pulled abruptly into an open spot a few hundred feet from where he’d picked me up. I could feel my forehead wrinkle in query.
“Wha—”
He lunged across the armrest and his left hand moved to grab the back of my head and then cradle my neck as he sealed his lips over mine. His urgent kiss was intoxicating, and his message was clear. I missed you this week, and I’m happy to be with you now. It was everything strumming through my own body that I couldn’t put words to without sounding needy or even creepy. I was shaken when he pulled away. In a good way, yes, but I was thrown by the raw quality behind the fervent exchange. It was definitely something new between us.
Jack pulled away and shifted in his seat, making a production of adjusting his package. I laughed as expected and leaned over to kiss his cheek platonically before he moved the truck back into traffic.
“So, where are we going?” I used a singsong voice, trying to convey only the slightest bit of interest. Total fail. I was too pumped up. It was almost a shock I wasn’t wiggling in my seat.
“You’ll see.” He spared me a quick glance. “I was hoping we’d avoid rain, but looks like it’ll be a little damp this weekend. Glad to see you’re wearing a jacket.”
“Please tell me there isn’t a tent involved.”
Jack chuckled heartily. “No tent. What would you have done if there was, though? Are you anti-camping?”
I gave a mock shiver. “Not exactly, but it would never be my first choice. So where did you say we’re staying, then?”
“Nice try. I didn’t say. You’ll see when we get there, and stop being nosey. Remember, this is my date.” His smug tone was really fucking cute. I told him so, which resulted in an immediate scowl.
“I know it sounds silly but I figured we’d be traveling by Harley. I don’t think I knew you had a truck.”
“Yeah, a guy needs options. I thought about taking my bike, but I didn’t want you to be miserable if it started to pour. We’ll be on the road for at least an hour. If the weather gets rough, even I would rather have a little shelter. Which is why we’re not in a tent tonight.” He winked at me before turning his attention back to the traffic.
“So we are camping?”
“Cool it. You’ll see when we get there. Stop getting yourself worked up, and tell me about the life and times of my eminent lawyer. How was your week, honey?”
I wanted to bask in being called “his” eminent lawyer in the same breath he referred to me as honey, but I let my more mature nature prevail.
“I don’t want you falling asleep behind the wheel, so I’ll spare you the boring details. And anyway, we talked every day. You know all about the life and times of Curt Townsend, Mr. Farinelli.”
“It’s kind of strange that for as much as we talk, we don’t run out of things to say,” Jack observed thoughtfully.
I silently agreed. He was right. Our conversations tended to begin with sports and then morph into a debate about anything from ballpark hotdogs to our favorite types of food, and restaurants we loved in the city. Before long, we’d move back in time to discuss popular candy and snacks available when we were kids. There was no real rhythm or rhyme to our dialogue; it was just easy.
A song from the ’80s came on the radio, which began a heated discussion about music. We both liked classic rock, but Jack had a fondness for some iffy bands who were popular when he was in high school.
“C’mon, Jack…. A Flock of Seagulls? Really? That is nostalgia talking.”
“I liked them. They were cool back in the day, pipsqueak. No mocking your elders.”
“Fine, old guy, but you have to admit there’s a possibility we cling to old crappy tunes because they remind us of significant times in life.”
“What kind of times are we talking about here, honey? First blowjob?”
“Maybe. Do you remember what song was playing when… never mind.” I was suddenly embarrassed, though I couldn’t say why. We’d given each other blowjobs numerous times, so why would hearing about his first bug me or make me uncomfortable? I looked out the window and instead of taking in the scenery beyond, I focused on the pattern the rain was creating on the pane of glass.
“‘Hungry Like the Wolf.’”
“Huh?”
“That’s the song that was playing when Tony Shields blew me. First BJ. I was sixteen. How about you?”
“Uh. I was… I don’t think there was music on. Ky was my first. I…. You know, I kind of figured you might have had a girlfriend or two before you realized you were gay.”
“Nope. I always knew who I was. How about you?”
“So you never have been with a girl… at all?”
Jack threw a questioning gaze in my direction. “No. Never. What would the point have been? I was never interested, so why pretend?”
“Right. I don’t know. This is going to sound super naive, but you’re very… masculine, and girls seem to go for guys like you. I know plenty of guys, like Matt for example, who ended up dating women because they were supposed to like… female parts.”
Jack laughed. “Curtis, honey, I have never needed anyone to tell me who I should find attractive. Even if they assumed I wanted pussy instead of dick, I knew early on that was their deal, not mine.”
“You’re crude.”
“You’re a prude.”
“I know. Whatever. You’re right, though. It was the same for me, though I’m obviously not as… anyway, I always knew I liked men.”
“Go back a second. You’re obviously not… what?” I read Jack’s irritation in his deceptively casual tone.
“C’mon, Jack. You’re a… I’m not like you. I’m just a regular guy. That’s all. Girls, especially in high school, always were into the jocks. Guys like you or Matt or Peter. I didn’t care because I wasn’t interested in them, but I….”
“I don’t get it, Curtis. What is with the low self-esteem? You’re a well-educated man with a great job, a cool set of friends, and a bright future. Why do you say shit like ‘guys like you’ as though you’ve put me in a different category than you? I asked you once before, and I let it slide when you didn’t answer, but tell me now, who exactly do you think I am?”
I swallowed hard and stared out the damn window again, this time noticing the lush greens of the Maryland countryside while REO Speedwagon sang in the background about taking it on the run.
“I’m waiting, and I got nothing but time.”
“Okay. For the record, I may be a little naive at times and I know I suffer flashes of strange conservatism but I know who I am. I know I’m smart and trust me, I really appreciate my friendships in light of having an absentee family. But I also know who I’m not. I’m not like you. You’re strong, sexy, handsome, imposing. In my experience, I… I don’t know, I see you with someone like Peter, not someone like me.”
Silence. I obviously had pissed him off but I didn’t know what I’d said that made him angry. I’d stated the truth.
“I don’t think you meant to insult me, so I’ll try to move past getting fully pissed at you, but….”
“How?”
“Are you kidding me? While I appreciate you thinking I’m handsome and sexy, I’d like to think I’ve got a little more going on than my looks. Is that all you see? I don’t?—”
“No! No, not at all. I didn’t mean that you’re only good-looking. You’re a million things more. You’re witty and intelligent. You’re savvy and competitive. You’re a great friend, brother, and a doting uncle. I guess…. you seem out of my league.” I bit my cheek, mortified by my confession. “And now that I’m totally fucking embarrassed, please turn the truck around, so I can get over my bout of insanity in the privacy of my messy apartment.”
Silence again. There was a noticeable release of tension, however. But I couldn’t tell why or what Jack was thinking. My skin felt too tight. I was counting on Jack to say something to restore the balance. God knew I wasn’t capable.
“So… you think I’m good-looking?” He combed his fingers through his hair and caught his reflection in the rearview mirror in a supreme show of vanity. I laughed. It was as simple as that. Balance restored.
“Thank you.”
Jack didn’t say anything. He reached across his armrest and grabbed my left hand with his right, squeezing it and weaving his fingers with mine. I knew this conversation probably wasn’t over, but I appreciated that Jack saw my limit and didn’t push me any further.
Flat land gave way to rolling green hills before eventually yielding to a dense forest area. Within one hour of leaving the city, we were smack in the middle of the wilderness. Jack followed a long, winding dirt road and eventually came to a stop in front of a tiny log cabin in the clearing. The location was very secluded. I had noticed a couple of vacation homes hidden among the tall evergreens, but the nearest neighbor had to be a half-mile away.
“This is it. Home sweet home ’til tomorrow afternoon. C’mon, sunshine.”
I grabbed my backpack, taking in the beauty of the quiet forest surroundings as I followed Jack up the path toward the front door. He fished a key out of his pocket and opened the door with a flourish, indicating I should enter first.
I felt like I’d walked into a storybook page. This was a true log cabin with wood-beam rafters, wood-plank flooring, and log-shaped wooden walls. A rough-rock fireplace commanded one entire wall with a large leather sofa facing it. Four short steps away was a narrow counter space, which divided the diminutive kitchen from the living area. A steep set of wooden stairs led to a loft area above, which I assumed was where we’d sleep. Other than the bathroom, everything could be seen in one sweeping glance from the front door. I wondered if it belonged to Jack, or maybe a friend of his, or maybe he rented it, or….
The door slammed shut behind me, and I was gathered immediately into a strong, bearlike embrace. Jack’s impromptu hug led to a passionate kiss, and suddenly hands and tongues were everywhere as we shed our clothing hastily in our quest to find skin. Our jackets and shirts were long gone. We stood with our bare chests pressed together, our mouths fused as our hands caressed and held on tightly.
“Bed is upstairs. I gotta have you.” Jack rested his forehead on mine, waiting for my response.
I couldn’t talk, so I nodded and let him lead the way up to the loft. At the top of the stairs, I took a brief sweeping glance at the space. There was a king-sized bed, a nightstand with a library-style reading light, and a tiny cupboard I would guess was used to store clothes and maybe linens. All the windows in the cabin were on the first level but the loft seemed light and airy all the same. It was a neat space but again, small.
I turned my attention back to my lover, who was working on his belt buckle and the zipper of his jeans. I stopped to enjoy the show, licking my upper lip unconsciously as Jack lowered the fabric over his ass. He wasn’t wearing boxers, which for some reason made me crazy. My hand shot forward as if of its own accord. I ran my fingertips along the fiery design of the tattoo on his right side and then moved higher, gently but firmly taking his nipple between my thumb and forefinger. I rolled the sensitive nub and reveled in Jack’s appreciative groan. He let me continue playing but he pulled me close to his body and worked on my jeans while I alternately squeezed and caressed his flesh. Once my jeans were unbuttoned, Jack pushed me back on the bed and covered my body with his larger one.
The feel of his bearded jaw against mine was a wild turn-on. I loved his scruffy chin nuzzled into my neck while his big, rough hands moved below, ridding us both of our last vestiges of clothing, socks, and shoes. I felt his fingers ride the crease between my cheeks and I arched my back to give him better access. I wanted friction. I was ready, and I didn’t want to wait. It had been a whole week since I’d had him inside me. Too long.
“Jack. Don’t play around. I want….”
“What?” he asked as he always did. As though he needed to hear me say aloud that I wanted him, I needed him.
“You. Fuck me.”
Jack didn’t answer. He rolled me over on my stomach before shifting off the bed to open the nightstand. He quickly covered his swollen flesh with a condom and poured a generous amount of lube on himself and over my ass. He made a mess of it. Lube was all over me. Cold and kinda gross. I turned my head to comment, but he’d moved back between my thighs and was using both his hands to massage the slick, cool moisture into my crack. I went face-first into the pillow, trying to keep from combusting at the force of sensations as he grazed his thumbs against my hole, stretching and massaging until I was biting the damn pillow to keep from moaning.
The bed shifted again, and this time he covered my body completely, entering me with care. He stayed still for a long moment, letting our bodies adjust. And then he moved. It was slow and sweet. A gentle buildup with tender touches led to a powerful thrusting motion that had us both crying out as we came within seconds of each other.
Jack stayed draped over me for a few moments before planting a light kiss on my ear and flopping to the other side of the bed.
“I hope there’s another set of sheets. We kinda made a mess here.”
Jack smiled, propping himself on his elbow as he gazed at me thoughtfully. “Yes, I have clean sheets. I should have thought about putting a towel down but… I couldn’t wait.”
I turned to face him directly, lying on my side with my head resting on my arm lazily. “So is this your place?”
“Yes. It’s the first piece of property I ever bought.” Jack’s lopsided grin was a little sheepish as he continued. “I was in my late twenties and thought of myself as a lone-wolf type. Solitude and the great outdoors were for me, I was sure of it. I failed to factor in the hour-long commute to work or the fact that I’m basically a social being. I have one of the locals come by periodically to clean it and check in, but I rarely come here anymore.”
“It’s peaceful. I like it.”
“Me too. It’s good to get away from the grind every once in a while.”
We stared at each other for a moment before Jack declared it was time for lunch and a different type of exercise.
His local friend had stocked his cupboards with some basic foods for our two-day stay. We made a couple of sandwiches and grabbed some fruit to take on our hike. Jack patted my ass gently and told me we’d go easy, in case I was still a little sore. I felt my skin redden and smacked his arm hard, assuring my lover I was perfectly capable of fully participating in whatever he had in mind.
“There is a moderate trail that leads to the waterfall. I think it’s five miles total. We can hike to the falls, have lunch, and then head back. Sound all right?”
“Sounds good. Are we just taking the one backpack?”
“Yeah. We’re traveling light. Do me a favor and grab the blue one while I get my boots on. Let’s move it, honey.”
When we stepped outside, it was drizzling again. Nothing heavy, but I was glad I brought the jacket and grateful I owned a pair of good sturdy hiking boots. The fact I owned them didn’t make me much of an outdoorsman, unfortunately. I couldn’t remember when or why I’d bought them in the first place, but they were practically new. I hoped I could manage five miles without getting blisters. I was a city boy through and through. This hiking business might end up being more than either of bargained for, but I was determined not to dwell on any misgivings I might have about our adventure. Jack knew what he was doing. This would be fun.
An hour later, I wasn’t so sure. The scenery was gorgeous even on a gray September day when the weather couldn’t seem to commit. It drizzled and then stopped to make way for the sun to peek between the clouds for a moment before the skies darkened again. But the gray sky didn’t lessen the lush beauty of the enormous evergreens and surrounding overgrown brush. I was delighted at the sound of a nearby creek, which Jack informed me would eventually lead us to the grand waterfall in another hour or so. But as the first hour gave way to the second, I was beginning to lose interest. My feet hurt and I was hungry.
Jack was happily pointing out different tree specimens in the forest when he seemed to catch on to my flagging attention and the fact I was drifting behind him.
“You doing okay? Need some water?”
“Sure. I’m actually kind of hungry. Are we close?” I tried to convey casual interest rather than the whiny “are we almost there?” I was feeling.
Jack wasn’t fooled. He rolled his eyes and walked a few feet to a huge boulder. He set the backpack on the rock and fished out a water bottle for me. I drank greedily while he rummaged through the bag.
“What are you looking for?”
“Where are the sandwiches? This is weird. I swear I put them…. Fuck.”
Not good. Don’t panic, Curt , I coached myself. I wasn’t that hungry yet. We could turn around anytime. No worries.
“Did you forget to pack them?” I was proud of my indifferent tone.
“No. You grabbed the wrong backpack.” Jack sighed and shrugged. “It’s okay, I’ve got trail mix and?—”
“ What? How many blue backpacks are there? It’s not okay! We’ll starve. I’m exhausted already, my feet are killing me, I’m hungry, and where the fuck is this waterfall anyway? Are we almost there?” The moment I said those last four words I knew I sounded like a big fucking brat. I was embarrassed at my outburst, but on the other hand… I decided I wouldn’t retract a single word. It was all true.
Jack’s eyes widened with surprise. His nose twitched as he tried to school his features, but he lost the battle, succumbing to a chuckle, which morphed into a hearty guffaw.
I walked over to the boulder and sat down in a huff. I wasn’t really angry about the food. It probably was my fault. I was just reacting to discomfort. Once again, I got the feeling Jack understood without either of us having to say much.
“Are you finished cackling yet? If trail mix is all that’s on the menu, let’s eat. I need an energy boost.”
“I’m sorry. You have this… childlike quality when things aren’t going your way that’s…. It’s funny. That’s all. Look, it’s not ideal, but here’s the plan. I have trail mix, waters, and some chocolate in this backpack. We’ll certainly be ready for something more substantial when we get back to the cabin but we’ll be just fine. The falls are another half hour up this path. Can you make it or do you need to turn back?”
His solicitous offer was delivered in a way that made it hard to say no. I apologized for my temper tantrum and assured him I was fine to continue.
“Good. So no more bellyaching, right?” I nodded and jumped down from the rock.
“I’ll keep quiet.” I held out my hand when he pulled out the trail mix.
“You don’t need to be quiet, but any more whining and you’ll be over my knee, honey.” Jack winked evilly and smacked my ass hard before turning back up the path.
I knew he was playing with me, but fuck, my dick stirred to life in my jeans at the very idea of Jack’s threat. I gulped once and followed him, wondering if I was demented. How did he get me so hot by saying such crude things?
As promised, the waterfall was stunning. The rushing water could be heard before it was visible, but when we finally reached the end of the trail, I had to admit it was certainly worth the trek. A long ledge of stone sat high above a relatively small pool of water, which gave way to a jutting rocky creek for the water to run through. Majestic trees surrounded the area, providing a sublime backdrop to the generous cascade of the high falls.
We sat on a huge flat stone to rest and eat our humble snack while enjoying the unbelievable serene beauty of the forest. Jack handed me another water bottle, making a point to keep all the used containers in a separate section in the backpack.
“Have some more trail mix too.” He set the snack bag on the rock between us and nudged it toward me.
“Didn’t you mention chocolate earlier?”
“That was if you behaved.”
“You’re hysterical. Hand it over, big guy. I need a reward for the last two and half hours of my time and an incentive to repeat the action. I’d prefer alcohol, but chocolate works in a pinch.” I held my hand out expectantly.
Jack grinned from ear to ear. “I guess you earned it, but we’ll break it up so there’s something to look forward to over the next couple hours. Deal?”
“I don’t really think I can argue since you’re the one holding the goods. So… yes, sir. Whatever you say.”
Jack laughed, the cheerful sound echoing around us playfully. I smiled, thinking there really was no place I’d rather be just then despite aching feet and an empty belly.
“I’m not much of an outdoor type, but….” I stopped to allow Jack to finish his next round of amusement at my expense. “But this is really nice and?—”
“Nice? You can do better than that.”
It was my turn to giggle as Jack scowled and leaned back on the rock, staring out at the massive falls fifty-plus feet away from our perch on the slick rock surface. He looked so stoic and noble. And a little serious. I amended my adjective quickly, thinking I might have offended him.
“Amazing.”
“What?”
“It’s not nice, it’s amazing. It’s incredible and spectacular. Better?”
“Much. And since we’re giving compliments, I’ll say this: you’re not nearly the pain in the ass I thought you’d be when you found out we left our lunch behind. You’re actually a very good sport.” Jack leaned in and kissed the side of my head.
“First of all, fuck you. And second of all, you threatened me!”
Jack’s mischievous smile made me a little wary, but I laughed when he slung a companionable arm around my shoulder and planted a sloppy wet kiss on my cheek.
“Yuck!”
“Shh. You’ll disturb the wildlife. Here. We’ll begin our chocolate rationing now.” Jack pulled a bar from the backpack and broke off two small pieces. “Open up. Stick out your tongue.”
I did as Jack said and unconsciously closed my eyes too. I felt the softest touch of his tongue as he licked my upper lip and the side of my tongue before he placed the small piece of chocolate in my mouth.
“Open your eyes.”
When I opened my eyes, Jack’s handsome face was just inches away from me. I reached out and traced his strong jawline with my thumb while I savored the milky chocolate in my mouth.
“You are so damn sexy.”
I started to argue, but something in the way Jack was looking at me made it impossible to do anything but agree. Not only was it plain he wouldn’t appreciate the challenge, but he was also obviously sincere. When he wrapped his arm around me, I leaned into his side, telling myself to stop fighting this and take him at his word.
We sat quietly for a while, listening to the sounds of Mother Nature: the wind whistling in the trees, the powerful rush of the nearby waterfall, and the closer trickle of the water running over and through the rocks below our perch.
“Did you grow up hiking and doing the outdoorsy thing?”
Jack chuckled and held me a little closer at his side. “No, not at all. I’m a city guy like you, but once I started riding bikes, I found myself being a little more adventurous. I was with Peter the first time I came out here. We found that cabin when we were hiking off-trail. Back then the trails weren’t so easily defined. But well, that was fourteen years ago. A lot has changed.”
I knew we were talking about the forest on one hand, but I couldn’t resist the opening Jack was giving me.
“Can I ask about Peter? I get that it’s old news and it’s none of my business, but….”
Jack squeezed me even tighter, the sound of his deep chuckle reverberated between us.
“Sure. Ask away.”
I turned in his arms to try to gauge his mood. Was he really okay talking about the past or was I about to ruin a perfect nice day by dredging up ghosts? Jack’s expression was almost carefully neutral. I decided to go for it, and retreat if necessary.
“Is it strange being friends with your ex?”
“That’s what you want to know?”
“Yeah, I know Kelly is your sister and you’re close with her, but she’s Peter’s best friend too. It seems unusual to be close enough to attend his wedding, but obviously you are. I guess I’m just curious.”
“Hmm. Well, maybe it is unusual, but like you said, it’s old news. Time helps. And… fuck, we’ve got a two-hour hike back to the cabin anyway. C’mon, handsome, let’s start walking. We can tell secrets all the way back.”
Jack stood gracefully and pulled me to my feet. I wasn’t anxious to begin the long trek to the cabin, but I was interested in the story he promised to tell. My aching feet protested, but I trudged on behind Jack until we reached a portion of the trail where we could walk side by side.
“Peter and I are friends because at the end of the day, that’s all we were. The rest was sex between two consenting adults. The part that was initially difficult was that I realized it later than he did.” Jack let out a chagrined half-laugh before continuing. “I met him when he was thirteen. I thought he had a crush on Kelly and I did my brotherly duty to scare him away from her. They ended up becoming friends just as my world was unraveling. Hal left, my mom was an alcoholic… you remember the story. Anyway, I didn’t see him much until he was twenty-two when he and Kelly moved to DC for graduate school. He went to Georgetown and she went to George Washington. They didn’t know anyone else, so they lived together. I was living in Baltimore then, so I was able to check in on her and visit more often.
“Now, I knew Peter was gay because he came on to me pretty hard once when he was eighteen, but he didn’t share his deep dark secret with his family until he’d moved out of state. It didn’t go well. His mom thought he and Kel were a couple. She was even willing to overlook them living “in sin” together in DC because she figured it was just a matter of time before they married. Long story short, Momma was devastated, Peter was a mess, and Kelly asked me, as a nice ‘older brother,’ to offer her best friend any advice I could about how to live life as a mostly well-adjusted out gay man in the city. I did as she asked. End of story.”
I looked over at him to see if he was pulling my leg. He looked deep in thought but not haunted. I gave him the “keep talking” hand motion he often gave me, which had the desired effect of making him smile as well as talk.
“It’s funny how things evolve, and sometimes even more peculiar is how you assume they will evolve… and they don’t.” Jack shrugged. “I wasn’t looking for a relationship when we first got together. We never committed to each other that way. So basically we were friends who had sex, and we never became more.’
Jack threw me a sidelong glance before continuing. “Peter was always super focused on building his career. Once he landed his first real job, his goal was to be the best, most sought-after young lobbyist in the capital. He traveled constantly. I know he still does a fair bit of traveling, but it’s nothing like when he was trying to establish himself. At first I didn’t mind. I divided my time between my job as a bartender and some work I did repairing motorcycles for one of the Harley shops outside the city.
“But the dynamic changed. He was gone, I was here, and yeah, the sex was still hot, but we didn’t have much to talk about afterward. The other complication was money… too much money. Peter was making more money than he could spend. He started buying things that… I don’t think it was done consciously but I think it was to make up for being gone so often.” Jack shrugged. “First a motorcycle, clothes, vacations. Eventually he bought me a bar. Level. Kelly and Kevin bought in too, but no one put as much in as Peter, and he gifted me more than half ownership. It took me some time to understand it, but what he was doing was supplying material substitute because he couldn’t give me what he was beginning to see I wanted. It would have gone on like that for… who knows how long. I finally had to say out loud the shit he wanted left unsaid. Things had changed but I wanted a real relationship. He didn’t. The end.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. Sorry seemed inappropriate. But on some level I was sorry for the hurt.
“I knew in my head we were too alike in the wrong ways to be compatible in the long run but I’ll admit it took me some time to come to terms with once again being left behind.”
Whoa. I gave him a sharp look and ended up tripping over an exposed tree root. Jack’s hand shot out to steady me before I took a nosedive into the dirt.
“Sorry. Shoot. These stupid hiking boots are?—”
“Right.”
“What did you mean ‘left behind’?”
“Nothing. I… I don’t know. Work is easier. I can fix my bikes in peace and quiet or go hang out at the bar when I feel the need to be around people. Both businesses give me balance in a way. Plus they keep me busy. Helps keep me out of trouble and get my mind off things I can’t change.”
I nodded. I understood that sentiment entirely too well. It was why I didn’t mind working eighty-hour weeks.
“Do we get to stop again soon? I’m hungry and tired.”
Jack gave me a “you’ve got to be kidding” stare but agreed to a short rest.
“Here. Drink some more water.”
“I’m not thirsty. Just tired. Is there any public transportation coming by? A tour bus or something?” I sat heavily on a tree trunk, stepping in a huge muddy pile of mulch in my haste to be seated. I pulled my mucky boot out and briefly closed my eyes in defeat. “Great.”
Jack raised his eyebrows and turned away to hide the amusement on his face.
“What is so funny?”
“You. Hiking boots are supposed to get dirty. Shows character. You’re a little fussy about your footwear, eh?”
“Fuck off and gimme some chocolate. I’m dyin’ here.”
“You’re melodramatic here. And I’m not giving you any more chocolate unless you drink some water. You’ll get dehydrated if you’re not careful.”
“I had no idea you were so bossy.” I took the bottle he handed me, allowing my irritation to show.
“I don’t wanna drag your sorry ass for the next hour and a half, that’s all. Drink up and quit whining, honey.”
“Hour and a ha—can’t we call a cab?”
“C’mon. Let’s play a game to get your mind off your feet and your stomach. How about a round of Jeopardy ?” He handed me a piece of yummy goodness, and I whimpered with joy.
“O-kay.” I struggled to my feet. “I get to pick the category, though.”
“Naturally.” Jack chuckled as he took my hand and pulled me back toward the main trail.
We passed the next hour making up Jeopardy questions based on the categories we started at the restaurant on our first “real” date. I chose movies as our beginning topic and peppered Jack with as many trivia questions as I could think up.
What were the names of the seven dwarfs in Snow White ?
Who starred in the first Tarzan movie?
Who wrote the book Alice in Wonderland was based on?
I quickly caught on that Jack was a Disney wizard. He’d watched the movies or read the books countless times to his niece and nephew. Of course, talking about Petra and Blake evolved into discussions about family and children. I wanted to steer away from family in a general sense, but I asked Jack if he thought about having kids of his own.
“No. Not really. I love kids, but I’m forty-two and?—”
“Plenty of people start families well into their late thirties and forties now,” I observed.
“Sure. But… I don’t know. If I was with someone who really wanted kids, I could probably be persuaded, but I wouldn’t want to parent alone. My ex talked about having a family, but….” He shrugged as though he really had nothing more to say about the subject. He took a deep breath and gave me a distracted half-smile.
“Peter?” That was news to me. I knew Jay wanted a family, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the newlyweds became daddies one day, but I’d figured the interest was more on Jay’s side than Peter’s.
“No.” Jack barked out a short laugh. “That’s a good one. I was talking about Shane.”
“Who’s Shane?”
“Ex.” Jack’s sharp tone told me they were not still friendly, but I asked anyway.
“Oh. Bad breakup?”
Jack stopped in his tracks and gave me a funny look. “Yeah, you could say that. We’ve been over for a couple of years. And there is nothing more to say on that subject. New category. Do you remember any commercial jingles?”
I stared at Jack’s wide retreating shoulders before I trudged along after him. I listened as he sang a line or two with the hopes I could name the commercial it went to. When that proved hopeless, he switched to television sitcoms from the ’80s. I laughed at his off-key singing while I appreciated his extreme efforts to keep my mind from dwelling on my body aches and toward topics that were taboo, like exes whose names I hadn’t known before today.
I realized as we walked on how gently balanced our worlds are. Time heals old wounds and eventually allows the heart to open when the possibility of something special comes along. But we all have pasts, and some things could be shared and others were for us alone.
As Jack launched into a painfully pitchy rendition of a theme song from an ’80s sitcom, I knew I’d fallen for him. Utterly and completely. There would be no trying to convince myself of all the reasons we were wrong for each other. He was fourteen years older, he owned a bar and a motorcycle shop, he had tattoos and strange penchant for keeping things neat and tidy. None of it mattered and it wouldn’t change the fact that simply being near him made everything okay. Blistered feet and an aching belly… who cared? All I heard was his deep voice urging me forward with wisdom from The Facts of Life .
“You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life….”
I laughed appreciatively and told him he was an idiot, but there was no disguising the way I felt. My voice was a little too high, my eyes were a little too bright. There was no way he couldn’t see what was happening here. I was in love with him. It felt too amazing for me to bother with worrying he might not feel the same. I would deal with reality later.
By general consensus and a little help from Mother Nature, we spent the remainder of our stay at the little log cabin inside, out of the rain. Thankfully, it didn’t start to pour until we returned from our never-ending hike. By then we were in bed with the covers pulled around us as we sighed and moved together, our bodies joined in sweet ecstasy. I heard the first heavy drops of rain on the rooftop as I surfaced from the intense wave of a powerful orgasm. Jack shuddered on top of me and buried his face in my neck until the aftershocks passed.
As I lay in his arms later with my hand over his heart, I wondered where we’d go from there. It had been a decade since I had been “in love” with someone. Kyle and I had been teenagers and we knew nothing about how cruel and unkind life could be. But Jack knew and I sure as hell did too. What I didn’t know how to do was let go of fear, let go of the past, and concentrate on building a future.
If I let myself dream, I would acknowledge I wanted Jack in mine. I didn’t know how to start. I didn’t want to rock the boat and scare him. I was scared enough for both of us. So I’d wait and see where this thing between us led… and hope for the best.