Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
ELODIE
Guess what I got my hands on?
That was how I opened the conversation—the invitation—to everyone I asked to come over to my apartment and break the rules with me.
Well, breaking the rules wasn’t exactly correct, since my source was directly connected to the highest executive level at WAWG studios—my aunt Nubia. Nepotism, favoritism, whatever you wanted to call it—in this case, I was all too willing to take advantage of it.
It was no secret to anyone that my nerves surrounding the upcoming premiere were shot, so it didn’t take much for them to agree to come over to watch an official unofficial copy of the first episode of Kinfolk with me.
It did, however, take a lot for me to not watch it in advance, alone, clutching a bottle of wine. Honestly, I was dying to see it.
Even though I’d been over this multiple times with anybody I could get to listen, the noise on social media and everywhere else was indeed getting to me. As confident as I was in my talent, I was less confident in my certainty that it would translate on screen.
And one particular post about me being the weakest member of a talent-stacked cast had me feeling extra antsy— probably why Nubia had slipped me the attachment in my email in the first place.
So, of course, I asked friends from the show to watch it with me. Not my other friends, who if nothing else I can have a good kiki session with, or my brother who had the professional knowledge and experience to potentially give me tips or feedback.
My costars had the most front-row seat to all my neuroses, and maybe shared some of the same anxieties.
At least I thought.
Until they started backing out.
They had this thing or that thing to do, and before I knew it, my little underground premiere kickback had turned into what looked suspiciously like a much-too-planned date.
But there wasn’t anything I could do about it when the cancellations were last minute, and Shaw—my lone guest—was at my door.
I’d been so, so painfully awkward with him lately.
But I tried my best to put it aside, slapping a casual expression on to let him inside.
“Oh man, you’ve got a whole set up in here huh?” he asked as he came in, checking out the little bar in the media room I’d stocked with snacks and drinks.
“I was expecting to have people over,” I explained. “You’re the only one who didn’t back out on me.”
He grinned. “So what you’re saying is I shouldn’t feel special?”
“You should always feel special in your heart,” I teased back as he sat down on my overstuffed couch— exactly where I’d planned to sit.
He’d already kicked his shoes off at the little station by my front door, and now he was really getting comfortable. My place wasn’t huge, but I had enough seating for the people I’d invited without us being too on top of each other.
Before, I would’ve just adjusted and sat down anywhere.
Now, it felt a little weird trying to make a good decision—I didn’t want to purposely create space between us because I wasn’t sure what message that would send.
I didn’t want to get too close either though…Because I didn’t know what message tha t would send.
Shaw solved the dilemma by raising an eyebrow at me, then motioning for me to come sit down.
“Come on and start it up,” he insisted. “You’ve got me feeling nervous now.”
“Oh please.” I rolled my eyes. “What is there for you to feel nervous about?”
“You’re joking, right? It’s always stressful waiting to see your performance.”
My mouth dropped open a bit. “Even now? So many years into it?”
“Yeah, even now,” he chuckled. “It never really goes away.”
“Well shit.” I laughed. “I thought this feeling was just cause I’m…new-ish.”
He shook his head. “Sorry to break it to you, but there’s a different phase of insecurity for every part of your career. You just…push past it the best you can, whenever you can.”
“That’s wack,” I replied, taking the seat he’d indicated next to him.
But not too close.
“It’s real though.”
“Man, whatever—I’m pretty sure we both know, hell, everybody knows , you bodied your role.”
He shrugged. “We can think what we want, but the camera doesn’t lie. At least not much,” he chuckled. “Come on, pull it up.”
“I’m working on it!” I laughed at his impatience as I pulled out my phone, using an app to pull up what we were about to see on the screen. Once I had it loaded, we both grabbed a couple snacks and a drink of choice—no liquor after I nearly embarrassed myself the other night after the cast party—and then we settled in, ready to watch.
It was…kind of surreal.
I did typically enjoy seeing myself on screen, looking over my performances, seeing what I could do differently or better. This time though, I got so quickly swept up in the character of Luna, who was one of the first ones we met, that I…kinda forgot to pick myself apart.
I was enthralled with her, and her interactions with Shannon, the young protagonist at the center of the story. There were other threads explored for each character, getting to their roots and all, but the main thread was the little girl.
The way it was all introduced, Shannon was always bright and happy, one of Luna’s favorite students—and then, suddenly, she was struggling. Luna spoke to coworkers to see if anyone had an inkling of what might have changed since Shannon herself wouldn’t talk about it.
And then she finally got her answer—Shannon had lost both of her parents in a violent scene she’d actually been the first to discover. The little girl was traumatized, and it didn’t make it any better that the remaining family she had was apparently embroiled in some Capulets-and-Montagues type of feud.
Which was where Silas came on to the scene.
“Man, your family is trash—you know that, right?” I teased Shaw, who couldn’t do anything but shrug as he pulled his gaze away from the screen to look at me.
“I unfortunately can’t argue with you there,” he admitted. “They get better as it goes along though.”
“Only because Luna is on their ass!” I laughed. “She is really in Shannon’s corner. I know I was filming with her a lot, but seeing it like this really highlights it.”
“Yeah, the families were way too caught up in the feud bullshit,” Shaw agreed. “But everybody’s favorite teacher had her back.”
I nodded. “You know what it low-key reminds me of? Do you remember Matilda ?”
“That old-ass movie?”
“It wasn’t just a movie, it was a book too.” I giggled. “But you remember? It makes me think of Ms. Honey, the one kind of decent adult she had in her life while everybody else was just a fucking mess.”
“Doesn’t she end up getting adopted or something at the end?”
“Yeah, I think. By Ms. Honey. So they became family.”
Shaw tipped his head back. “Which…if you think about it…the way Silas starts busting Luna down is pretty similar. That’s another parallel.”
I sucked my teeth. “Luna doesn’t become family though—you must not have read the script all the way to the end?” I asked. “They end up breaking up, and they do not get back together.”
“Man, I saw that shit.” He waved it off. “That love they had though? You can’t pay me to believe that’s really the end. Probably next season that’ll be a storyline—them getting back together.”
“You sound very confident about a next season, but the show was not written to have a second season,” I argued. “You know that’s how Charlotte likes to do—she writes her seasons to have a true completion.”
“Yeah, but there’s so much story still there—too much other shit that can still happen,” he countered. “There’s going to be another season. Just wait ‘til the premiere, then after we get all these streams and everybody is talking about it. As soon as the studio sees they have a hit on their hands—money to be made? They’ll be putting new contracts in our faces. Watch.”
My eyebrows perked up. “Oooh, you’d sign a contract to work with me again?” I asked, and he looked at me like I was crazy from his draped position beside me on the couch.
I didn’t realize until then how much closer he was than he’d been before. Except…I don’t think he had actually moved.
Had I moved?
Probably.
In any case, he said, “Now why would you even play like that? Of course I’d work with you again. Why not?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, we’ve…had some awkward moments here and there, you know?”
“You think so?”
“Uhhh, the sex scenes?” I reminded him. “It’s weird.”
“You didn’t used to think it was weird to be up close and personal with me,” he teased, actually leaning closer this time.
“Well yeah, we were intimate. Of course it wasn’t weird.”
“That means we should be used to it.”
“Come on now,” I prompted. “You’re telling me it just feels perfectly natural and… neutral to you?”
He let out this sexy-ass chuckle and shook his head. “Neutral…I can manage neutral. Natural? No comment.”
I laughed. “This isn’t a no comment kind of situation,” I said. “Be real about it.”
“What do you mean? What are you asking me?”
“If doing these things together, acting together, all of that…does it not faze you?”
“Of course it phases me,” he said. “I don’t think anybody can do something like that with an ex and claim to not be fazed by it.”
“Well yeah, but we’re not talking about anybody , we’re talking about me and you ,” I said. “I can think of a couple exes I’d be hella uncomfortable doing things like that with. People I would outright refuse to do things like that with.”
“So you’re not really wondering if I’m fazed by it— what you really want to know is…if I enjoy it,” he said, brow raised.
I wanted to deny his assertion, but realistically, I couldn’t.
So instead, I nodded.
“I’m doing the job, Ellie,” he answered with a shrug. “In those moments, I’m doing all I can to just be professional. It’s not about if I like it or not.”
“So you don’t know, or you don’t want to say?”
“Like I said…I’m trying not to think about it.”
“In those moments?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, but what about right now?”
“What about it?” he countered, fixing me with a curious gaze.
When I didn’t say anything, he dropped his gaze to my lips.
And then, the next thing I knew…he was kissing me.
This wasn’t the first time recently—we’d done much more as Luna and Shaw.
But like he said…this was different.
This wasn’t Luna and Silas.
This was…Ellie and Shaw.
And the feel of his lips, the soft caress of his hands as he grabbed me at the waist to pull me into him was so achingly familiar it made my chest hurt, in the best way. Like a long, cool drink after a walk in the hot sun, I soaked it all in.
Lapped it all up.
I…wasn’t even that sure how we’d arrived here, but I had zero desire to overthink it—I just wanted to sink into him, to stay like this, unquestioning, as long as I could before any sort of reality brought me back.
We weren’t supposed to be doing this, I knew that, but who gave a shit?
Now that he’d pulled me onto his lap, and had his hands sunk into my hair, pulling me closer to his mouth, it was entirely too easy to kiss him back, giving as much of his energy back to him as I could.
In the position we were in, I could feel him getting hard against me, between my legs, which probably should have been my sign that this was going further than it should. Instead, I leaned into that too, letting the natural urge to grind into his lap take over until Shaw let out a grunt, finally releasing his connection to my mouth.
“Shit,” he groaned, meeting my gaze. “What are we doing?”
“I don’t know. Should we stop?”
“Probably.” He nodded, holding my gaze for a long moment before he grabbed my head again, pulling me back into him.
So we agreed.
Fuck what we should do, more energy toward what felt all too right in the moment—getting our clothes off. The visuals on the TV had stopped playing a while ago, ignored in favor of our conversation, and now…this.
The reconnection I’d longed for, but didn’t know how to initiate.
Relief was the best word to describe it.
Sweet, sweet relief is I sank onto him, relishing the feeling of him inside me again. This was something that couldn’t be emulated or faked for the camera, me and him, mouths locked together as I rode him in slow gyrations of my hips.
There was no need to rush.
No reason to hurry things along.
Just pure, elongated…bliss.
He dropped his hands to my hips, fingers digging into my flesh as I rocked up and down, fully tuned in to every modicum of friction, every inch of stretch as my body molded to his.
It was like our time away from each other had never existed.
Just…an unfortunate blip in the atmosphere, easily forgotten, easily overthrown by pleasure.
Over, over, over.
My nails dug into his shoulders as he pulled my mouth back to his. We stayed like that, tongues tangled as I rode him, the sort of intimacy I’d so sorely missed. He slipped a hand between us, between my legs, easily finding the specific spot.
He already knew exactly how hard, how fast, and in next to no time I was melting into his lap, my blissful moans swallowed by his lips. He pulled me tight against him as he drove into me one last time, hips surging up he released.
My head collapsed onto his shoulder, completely spent with the unplanned exertion of what we’d just done.
I wanted to feel good about it.
I did feel good about it.
Except…there was immense guilt weaved in too, wrapping around my throat as I came down from the high of the orgasm and reflected on what we’d just done.
Exactly the type of impulsive shit I was supposed to be growing out of.
I worked myself off his lap, not saying a word as I rushed to the bathroom, rightfully shamed about the evidence of what we’d done dripping down my thighs. I hadn’t even had time to start wallowing yet when a knock sounded at the bathroom door—which he didn’t wait for me to open.
“Don’t do this,” he insisted, draping himself in the door.
“Don’t do what?” I asked, grateful that I at least still had my sweatshirt on.
A bit less embarrassing.
“Act like we did something wrong,” he answered. “We didn’t do anything wrong, Ellie.”
“We’re not together,” I reminded him. “And we said we wouldn’t do this, remember? Muddying the waters of us actually being friends. I don’t want to lose that, not again.”
“So let’s not then,” he said, grabbing my hand. He pulled it up to his mouth, kissing my fingers. “Clearly, just friends isn’t what either of us wanted anyway, if this was all it took.”
“Are you calling me easy ?”
He laughed. “I’m calling myself easy,” he countered. “Seriously though…what do you want to do?”
“It’s this easy?” I asked, eyebrow raised. “After being apart, we’re just…going to decide?”
He shrugged. “…Actually…yeah.”