Big Island Horizons

10. Lani

It was her day to help with the playschool, but she was having a hard time of it.

She tried to focus on the kids, and she smiled whenever Rory looked at her, but underneath it all she felt anxious and jumpy. The bright green lawn and shimmering pools of the beach park were visible from the street, and she kept glancing anxiously at the line of parked cars.

Was she just imagining it, or could she feel Zeke’s eyes on her?

“What is going on with you?” ‘ōlena demanded when Lani looked at the street for the umpteenth time.

“Zeke’s been messaging me again.”

“So?” ‘ōlena challenged. Then she frowned and asked, “Didn’t you change your number?”

“He got a hold of it somehow.”

“Can’t you block him?”

“He keeps getting new numbers.”

“The guy won’t quit.”

“He’s obsessed.” Lani wrapped her hands around her arms and looked back at Rory, who was splashing happily with Olivia in the clear water of the natural pools.

“You can’t let him get under your skin,” ‘ōlena advised. “Look how beautiful it is here. Don’t let him ruin that all the way from Alaska.”

“I’m trying my best.”

A chill settled into her bones as she told her cousin about the unwelcome text messages she had been getting from Zeke, the picture of her at Haumona.

“If he actually shows up,” ‘ōlena said, “me and Kekoa will feed him to the sharks. You know that, right?”

“That’s the last thing that I want.”

“What, getting rid of that piece of–”

“Dragging you and the rest of the family into this mess,” Lani interrupted. “I don’t want him anywhere near us.”

She took a shaky breath in and tried to refocus on the beauty of the world around her, the distant crash of waves and warm tropical sun on her shoulders.

Her skin had gotten several shades darker since moving home to Hawai’i. Sometimes she would just hold her arm out in the sun and marvel and the golden-bronze shade of it, nearly forgotten after those long years in Alaska. She felt more like herself than she had in a long time, and she wanted to hang on to that.

She wouldn’t let Zeke pull her back into the darkness. She couldn’t.

Lani and ‘ōlena were sitting on the grass, watching over half of the Pualena Playschool kids as they splashed in the water. Georgia and Nell were leading that day’s science project with the big kids while the younger ones swam and played.

The natural pools were filled with a mixture of ocean water and freshwater from underground springs. They were crystal clear and calm; the rocky coastline protected them from waves. Schools of fish flitted past the kids in flashes of silver, prompting giggles and squeals of delight.

“Mama, look!” Rory squeaked. “Look at the honu!”

Lani stood to get a better look at the sea turtle that was gliding through the water. It was huge, so big that she wouldn’t have been able to wrap her arms around its shell if she tried. The shell was dented all over, with one particularly deep spot that could have held a softball.

It always astonished her what wild animals could survive and heal from.

“That’s an old grandma,” she said to her daughter.

“Mama, she’s following me!” Rory giggled and swam backwards through the water until she was pressed against the rocks. The old turtle swam even closer, brushing the five year old with her fin as she passed by.

“You’re not supposed to touch them!” scolded a little girl named Shoshana. “It’s against the law!”

“She touched me!” Rory shot back.

The sea turtle glided off in search of food, and ‘ōlena headed off the brewing argument by asking Shoshana about her family’s new puppy, a subject that instantly distracted her and set off a solid ten minutes of chatter. By the time she had run out of things to say about Speckles, the big kids were racing across the grass and cannonballing into the water with splashes that made the little ones shriek.

“How did it go?” ‘ōlena asked as the other mothers settled onto the grass nearby.

“They had a blast.” Nell pulled her top to one side to nurse her baby. “Was Cassie okay?”

“She’s great. Her and Kiki have been fishing this whole time.”

The two girls sat shoulder to shoulder in the shade, holding their makeshift fishing lines out over the water. They had found a bit of discarded fishing line, cut it into two pieces, tied them to sticks, and fastened fruit snacks to the other end.

“Any luck?” Nell asked.

“Nothing yet,” ‘ōlena chuckled.

Lani looked at Nell sideways, flicking her gaze back to the water when the other woman glanced at her.

Nell was wearing an oversized long sleeved shirt that wouldn’t ordinarily give Lani pause; it was just a normal beach coverup. But she had seen yellow-purple smudges on the woman’s arms and neck before, old bruises that she did her best to hide.

Sometimes she wondered if she was imagining things, if she had glimpsed a shadow or an innocent accidental bruise and leapt to conclusions. Unless Nell trusted her enough to confide in her, there was no way to know for certain.

It was strange for Lani to be on the opposite side of that, on the outside looking in, witnessing signs of abuse. Even having been in the same situation, trapped in a marriage that got worse with each subsequent month of darkness, the summer reprieves followed by winters that were even worse than the ones before… she didn’t know what she could do for Nell.

She knew what it was like to pray that no one noticed, to stretch what was in the pantry just a bit further until the bruises faded enough that she could hide them with makeup for a trip to the grocery store.

If anyone had noticed, if anyone had said anything, she would have been mortified.

At the same time, to see the evidence of what Nell was going through and not say anything made her stomach hurt. Even talking to ‘ōlena about it would have felt like a betrayal of some confidence, even though Nell hadn’t confided in her… and anyway, she had a feeling that ‘ōlena had already noticed. Not much got past her.

She supposed that all they could do was be a safe place for Nell and her babies until she felt ready to make a change. Lani knew how difficult that could be… downright dangerous for some women. She wouldn’t have felt safe leaving her husband and staying within driving distance. There was no knowing what he might have done one night after too many drinks. She had left him and moved thousands of miles away, all in one leap of faith. But she’d had somewhere to land.

“Where are you from, Nell?” she asked in a casual tone. “Do you have family on island?”

“No family,” Nell said softly. Her smile was sad as she sat her son up and rebuttoned her shirt. “I grew up on the other side of the island, not far from Kainaliu.”

“That’s such a cute little town,” Georgia said.

“It is. I loved it.”

“But your family’s not there anymore?” Lani asked.

Nell shook her head. “We had a coffee farm. But my dad died my senior year of highschool, and my mom didn’t want to run it on her own. She sold it and moved back to the mainland.”

“Where is she now?” Lani asked. ‘ōlena gave her a warning glance.

“I’m not sure.” Nell picked at a loose thread on her shirt. “We haven’t talked for a while. She’s… not really stable. Never was, but it got a lot worse after we lost my dad.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I lost my parents young too.”

Nell met her eyes and nodded. She gave her the tight smile that people put on when they would rather do that than cry.

“And no other family?” Lani asked. Behind Nell, ‘ōlena gave her the if-looks-could-kill equivalent of a slap upside the head.

“Just these two,” she said, holding her baby close and looking across the lawn at Cassie.

Lani nodded somberly and laid off the questions before her cousin chucked something at her.

The thought of a young mother with no village around her made her queasy. She had been there herself, and it had nearly killed her.

Even with family back in Hawai’i willing to take her in, it had still taken years for her to work up the courage to extradite herself from her failed marriage and run home to lick her wounds and start again.

What would she have done if there had been no one to take her in? How much more would she have endured in order to keep a roof over her daughter’s head? She wasn’t sure.

Georgia was filling the empty space, talking about projects that she wanted to start now that the co-op would have a steady space to meet day after day.

“Meeting here and doing one-day projects is fun, but I’m really excited about what sort of things the kids can create given more time. You know that big empty room across the hall from our main classroom?”

“Yeah,” ‘ōlena said.

“What if we collected a whole mountain of cardboard and let the kids have at it? They could create forts, shops, whatever. A whole cardboard city.”

“That sounds like fun.”

“Kacie loves making little box forts. I know she would have a ball with friends and paint and more space. There’s a million different things we could do.”

Lani let the conversation wash over her as she watched Rory play with the other kids. She always slept so well after a day in the water. Nothing like those impossible Alaskan bedtime fights after days spent inside hiding from the dark and the freezing cold.

It had been a constant source of contention between her and Zeke. He wanted his wife in his bed, but she refused to leave her baby alone to cry herself to sleep. Often, it took so long for Rory to fall asleep that Lani would fall asleep with her.

After a while, she slept in Rory’s room all the time… and on purpose. She felt safer there. As bad as Zeke was, he’d never hurt her in front of her baby.

Maybe if he had been just a little bit worse, she would have left sooner. But the abuse had escalated so slowly, and with such fervent apologies and promises in between…

She shook her head and refocused on the vibrant blue-green Hawaiian day, irritated with herself for letting him intrude upon her thoughts again.

Between the frequent text messages and uncomfortable sensation of seeing her past reflected in Nell’s present, it was hard not to.

Families started to arrive for pickup, and Lani embraced the commotion with relief. Parents and grandparents converged to try and coax their children out of the water and into cars.

Lani watched with a smile, glad that her daughter’s “school” was one that kids were downright reluctant to leave. Her life could have looked so different, stuck inside at a desk while Lani worked all day. She was so deeply grateful to ‘ōlena for creating this alternative.

“Hey Lani,” said one of the mothers whose name she could never remember, “that mural that you painted at New Horizons was brilliant.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“I was wondering if you would consider painting one for us.”

“Really?”

“You know our art gallery in Hilo?”

Lani had no idea what the woman was talking about, but she nodded. She was sure that ‘ōlena would know.

“The wall on the alley side is overdue for some fresh paint. Your work is really intriguing. If you were able to do that in one day with kids underfoot, I can only imagine what you could do with more time and space. We would pay you, obviously. What’s your fee?”

“I’m not sure. Can I get back to you?”

“But you’ll consider it?”

“Yeah, sure. Of course.”

“Wonderful. I’ll be in touch with the details. I’d love to talk more, but I’m already running late.” She went back to the edge of the water and shouted, “Mateo, if you don’t come onto dry land this instant, we are not coming back tomorrow!”

Lani laughed at the thought that no school could be considered a threat. Her own school experience had been decent, but skipping a day had still been an exhilarating reward.

Of course, for her skipping school had meant getting out of a concrete building and going to the beach for the day. For these kids, it meant missing out on a day with their friends and being stuck in… a Hilo art gallery, apparently.

“Look at you,” said ‘ōlena. “My cousin, the up and coming artist.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“Did you decide what you’re going to paint for Kekoa yet?”

“I haven’t decided.”

“Get on it. You’ve gotta do that job in Pualena before you go take one in Hilo.”

Lani nodded and took her first deep breath of the day, steadied somehow by the prospect of work. Not just any work, but work doing what she loved most in the world. Being paid to paint. She could hardly believe it.

Her life here was good.

She refused to let the ghosts of her past take away from that.