Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
‘Well, that’s the ugliest jumper I’ve ever seen,’ Lucy says as she walks up to me in the Tube station, wrapping her arms around me. ‘You look like a deranged tourist.’
‘It’s not mine. It’s Nick’s mum’s. He bought it for her.’
‘Does he not love his mum?’ she asks. I let Lucy hold me for a moment too long in the harsh lights of the Tube station as I try and process everything I’m feeling right now.
‘Oi, oi!’ a man shouts at us from beyond the barriers. We look over and he hangs a sprig of mistletoe over his crotch.
Lucy turns around. ‘Oh, go swivel, you sausage.’
I laugh under her as she pushes my body away.
‘What on earth are you wearing? Aren’t you cold?
’ I ask her, looking at her winter coat tied tightly around her waist but realising her suspenders might be showing.
Her heels are patent black leather with shiny silver spikes.
She could slash people’s tyres with those.
‘I run everywhere so I’m never cold. And it’s Christmas Eve. I’ve got a shift in a bar, double pay to be a different sort of elf, you know? But…’ she says, looking at her watch, ‘I can give you two hours. Where we going?’
She puts an arm through mine. ‘Back to mine? I don’t think I can do the frenetic Christmas Eve mess of a pub.’
Lucy nods. ‘Fear not, I came prepared with tequila in my bag. I also brought a lemon,’ she says, digging around in her belongings to find it.
‘Let’s pretend I wrapped it and it can be my Christmas gift to you,’ she says, grinning.
We start walking and she huddles in close to me.
Outside, the high street is a mix of two extremes.
The lights attached to each lamppost flicker sporadically in fluorescent shapes and colours; there are people still out, still partying but most shops have closed their doors for the festive period, you can sense there’s a city waiting to go into hibernation, waiting for the big day to come tomorrow.
We turn the corner, past a pub, bold and brightly still pumping out Christmas anthems. ‘So…’
‘Is this where you say I told you so…’ I ask her, giving her a mean dose of side-eye.
‘Told you so.’
‘You are mean, it’s Christmas.’
‘Not yet. It’s the Eve. I do have half a mind to go round and tell him he’s a twat though. He essentially used you. That’s not cool,’ she says. ‘Can I go on his social media and cause beef? I can find that Neve too?’
‘Or not?’
‘Boo,’ she says, smiling.
‘He’s asked to be friends,’ I say.
‘They all say that. So you didn’t get angry, not one little bit? I think I would have broken things. I would have made that party an event. I would have thrown a brie.’
‘Because that’s you,’ I joke. ‘I just felt a bit stupid that I believed there was something there. I did like him but I think I was forcing it a little.’
‘Like a fart?’
‘Not the romantic vibe I was going for, but yes. I think I was thinking too much about what’s good for me, what the future had in store. The man was excellent on paper, good prospects.’
‘…When really the man had some leaky foundations,’ she says.
She’s not wrong. I enjoyed the time we had together but the whole Neve situation is messy.
I’m just glad we didn’t drag things out.
That I found out now rather than months down the line when feelings could have been more entangled, more hurt.
We walk past another wine bar, watching as people have last-minute dinners and gatherings, fogged-up windows reveal glowing lights and seas of decorations.
‘So are we saying that with that Nick gone, done with, kaput – we can possibly move on to New Nick? My boss, Nick. Are we going to give that a go?’
‘He’s not a fairground ride?’ I say.
‘Au contraire.’
‘We did kiss, you know?’ I say sheepishly.
‘WHAT?’ I’m lucky she doesn’t push me into moving traffic with how affronted she is that she’s only hearing this now.
‘It was brief and a non-event really and—’
‘The first thing you should have done as soon as you parted lips was texted me,’ she says.
‘So we jump on that now, yes?’ Who bloody knows?
I kissed Nick. We made up. We left things civil.
He said things to me that have made my heart so wound up with emotion that I felt my ribs could shatter.
But what do I do? Do I just rock up at his place?
Hey, I’m done with the boyfriend? Fancy a go?
Merry Christmas, by the way. It doesn’t feel right to rush into that, to be so careless with his feelings when he’s been so honest and genuine with me.
Maybe it would be better to wait. Maybe I can have a moment to simply enjoy the season, he can have the Christmas with his family he deserves, and I will find him afterwards, and see if that chance is still there for us to be something.
‘I’m too confused, Luce. I’ve literally been overwhelmed by Nicks. I just need some breathing space.’
Lucy looks at me oddly then howls. ‘I thought you literally said you’d been overwhelmed by dicks. And I thought what a unique conundrum?’
I fog the air with my laughter. ‘I’m just going to enjoy my Christmas.’
‘With me?’
‘And my nana.’
She looks at me and beams. ‘Then you do you. Nick can wait.’
We cross the high street to a side street and proceed to walk towards the mews and my maisonette.
However, as we do, we see a large van parked up by my door and a man waiting outside, knocking on the door.
Lucy looks at me as our pace slows but my heart picks up a beat.
I can’t make out who it is. Could it be him?
But as the man turns to face us, the light picks out the face of a complete stranger.
‘Hi,’ I mutter into the darkness.
‘Kay Redman?’ the man asks. I try and work out if I’ve missed paying a bill and the man is here to take away my television. If your name is Nick as well then I’m running away from here. Lucy stands there adopting a pose that says she could take him on. I’m slightly glad for the back-up.
‘I have a delivery for you.’
‘For me? I didn’t order anything,’ I say.
‘Well, let’s assume it’s from Santa then,’ he chuckles.
Lucy and I look at each other as he goes into his van and begins to drag out a piece of furniture, wrapped in wood and bubble wrap.
He places it by the front door as Lucy looks it up and down.
‘Can you sign here?’ he asks. I’m too dumbfounded to take anything in so Lucy takes the pen and puts her initials down on the monitor.
It beeps. ‘Are you two OK?’ We both nod, silently. ‘Well, Merry Christmas then.’
‘Yeah, Merry… Christmas…’ I say.
He laughs under his breath and gets into his truck as Lucy and I examine the parcel from afar. She looks at me unable to hold in her grin.
‘Stop it,’ I say. It’s because she knows what this is, she knows who it’s from. I bet the cow even gave him my address. ‘Take that end. We better get it in.’
She heads to one end of the package and grips her fingers over it while I do the same, both of us angling it as best we can through the hallway and into the space of my front room.
‘Told you the man was all about wood,’ Lucy says.
I put a finger to my lips. I dig my fingertips into the plastic and tear it away, unwrapping until the gift reveals itself.
It’s a table… a desk? I run my hand over it until I get to one corner and see my initials carved into the surface.
Don’t cry. Too late. I don’t know why but I kneel down and rest a cheek on the wood. ‘There’s a card.’
‘I can’t read it,’ I say, sobbing onto the desk.
‘Would you like me to…’
‘Yes,’ I whisper.
Lucy opens the card and bends over laughing. ‘For your next book about beavers…’
I manage to smile through my tears.
‘I thought you hadn’t slept with him?’
‘I haven’t.’
‘A special desk for a special author. Keep telling people (and yourself) that. Merry Christmas, Nick…xxx’ Lucy says, reading the rest of the card.
She fans the card with her hands and stands there with her hip out.
‘My boy’s done good.’ I just hope this thing is varnished because I seem to be soaking it with my tears.
‘Who knew my grumpy boss had this in him. I mean, even I’m a cynical bitch but this… this is pretty slick Nick.’
‘He made this?’
‘Well, yeah.’
‘For me?’
‘Those are your initials?’ she says, slightly bemused. ‘Are you crying because you didn’t get him anything?
Tears continue to stream down my face. ‘I got him a capybara-feeding experience.’
Lucy doesn’t quite know how to reply to that. ‘He’s at the farm, you know? Until ten-ish?’ I look up at her as she approaches me, wiping my damp face with her hands. ‘Kay, maybe this doesn’t have to be very confusing at all.’
‘It doesn’t?’ I say.
‘Nah, I’m getting you an Uber, bitch. Go find your boy. And that’s my bloody Christmas gift to you.’
I’m sitting in the back of this Uber, on my notes in my phone, trying to write down something.
It’s because when I finally get to that farm and see Nick, I know I won’t be able to say anything.
I need words. Good words. I should have brought Lucy but she needed to get to work and we both knew this was a solo trip, something I needed to do alone.
Words, words, words. I need to know exactly what to say to him to show him how much that desk is everything, how since he’s come into my life, the world has started to glow in every bloody different colour imaginable.
‘Lady, are we sure this place is here?’ the Uber driver asks. I nod enthusiastically. ‘Who gets a Christmas tree on Christmas Eve?’
‘People who’ve realised they’ve missed out.’
‘Disorganised people,’ he says in a thick accent. ‘My sat nav is saying it’s just woods here. If you are luring me here to mug me and take my organs then please know I have a family. I have kids.’
‘I want nothing to do with your organs. Trust me. Have a little faith.’ He looks at my face in the rearview mirror again and smiles. ‘Take the next left.’
I’m not sure what I expect when we turn into the drive, but the farm isn’t lit up the way it was when I’ve been here previously. ‘See? Closed,’ he says. ‘I think big Tesco is still open. We can find you a tree there. It might have to be a fake one though?’
However, in the distance I can see a light on in the buildings, the gates are open and there’s a familiar truck in the car park. I feel a shiver of excitement run through me to be here, near him. I know that truck. ‘It’s cool. I’m going to stop here. What’s your name again?’
‘Nikos.’
‘Of course it is,’ I say, laughing. He pulls a face.
I wasn’t laughing at your name. Shit, I’d better leave a tip.
I close the door, waving him off before standing there looking up at the sign on the farm, slowly wandering into the building where I can see lights.
‘Hello?’ I shout into the darkness. There’s no answer.
This is when I realise it’s not Nick’s truck.
It belongs to a cleaner or a brother. Maybe there’s really no one here at all and I’m stuck hoping Nikos might return to give me a lift back into town.
I wander over to the building with the light on but the door is locked. I knock on it and try to look through the window. Do they have security? Maybe dogs. God, this would not be a good way to go out. ‘NICK!’ I shout.
Right, this is awkward because I don’t think he’s actually here.
I hear a noise. It’s the dogs, they’ve come for me.
Or we’re also in the woods. Maybe it’s an urban wolf.
I should have just called him, instead of coming down here to ambush him.
But then I see another truck parked up by the gates.
I walk over to peek inside the cabin but it’s empty, though the keys are in the ignition.
Someone has to be here. In the back of the truck are thirty to forty Christmas trees all lying there, stacked, ready to leave.
They’re not netted up. I run my hand over one of the branches, the needles still intact and waxy in my hands.
Wait, why are the branches moving? I pause for a moment, waiting for whatever is going to come out and eat me, until I see a pair of yellow eyes watching me, mewing lightly.
‘Hi,’ I say. A black cat comes over and puts her head under my hand so I can stroke her.
I sit up on the back of the truck and she climbs into my lap and I read the name tag on her red collar: Bonnie.
I think I’ve heard about her. ‘Hey, Bonnie. I know your daddy.’ That sounded less wrong in my head.
She suddenly jumps off my lap and burrows further into the trees.
‘Bonnie? Bonnie? You can’t go in there.’ These trees may be headed for a wood chipper, a bonfire, a bin.
I turn from being perched on the end of the van and begin crawling in amongst the trees.
‘Bonnie? Please?’ I lift up branches, peering between them and wriggling under to try and see where she’s hiding.
‘It’s cold, honey. Let’s get you in the warm. I’m nice, I really am. Bonnie?’
I’m not really sure what happens next. But I hear the tailgate of the truck bang up into place and a noise that sounds like it’s being locked.
Nick? I crawl to the end of the van and out from under the branches as quickly as I can, but I can only see his back as he heads to the cabin and climbs in.
Are those ear defenders? Earphones? ‘NICK!’ I shout.
Whoa. What is going on here? And then the engine starts and we’re off.
Bonnie suddenly jumps out of the branches and leaps into my lap.
Ring him. Call him. I have my phone in my hand but the truck suddenly jolts over a bump and I drop it.
Shit. Bonnie, help me look for my phone.
The cat looks at me as if I’m mad. ‘You’re not much help are you?
’ She meows in reply, looking up at me with her big eyes as her fur starts to get dusted with snow.