Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
Wes
Three weeks had passed, and I hadn’t seen or heard from Anna. I’d been a bear to anyone who crossed my path. My bed at night was lonely and even lonelier in the mornings. I couldn’t bear to go home after the office anymore because everything there reminded me of her. The home I once loved was now the place I dreaded the most.
It was mid-afternoon, and I was walking down West 84th Street when I saw Anna turn the corner. I quickly stepped into a store and watched her pass by. She looked beautiful, but the spark in her eye wasn’t there. I stepped out of the store and followed her, mixing in with the street crowd so she wouldn’t notice me. She went inside a building, and when I reached it, I looked at the name that was engraved on a brass plate that hung on the brick wall to the left of the door: Dr. Nathan Stark, PsyD. A psychologist? Was she seeing a psychologist?
Later that night, the door opened as I was sitting in my usual spot at the Post Bar. When I turned around to see what all the noise was, I noticed a group of people filtered inside. My heart started racing when I saw Anna amongst those people. I turned around, desperately trying to remain calm, as I threw back my drink and asked the bartender for another one.
“Wes?” I heard her soft voice from behind.
Shit.
I turned around as she stood there, and our eyes locked on to each other’s.
“Anna. What are you doing here?”
“It’s Lars’ birthday. Are you here alone?”
“Yeah. I am.”
“Why?”
“Why not?” I spoke deadpan as I turned around. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect to see you.”
“I didn’t expect to see you either. How are you?”
“As good as can be expected, I guess. How are you?”
“The same as you.”
“You better get back to your friends,” I said as I finished off my drink, threw some cash on the counter, and got up from my seat.
“Yeah. I guess I better. It was good to see you.”
“Yeah.” I nodded and walked out the door.
Instead of hailing a cab right away, I started walking down the street. I needed the air. It seemed she had moved on. She was out with her friends, having fun, while I sat in a bar alone. My choice, I know, but I couldn’t bring myself to have any type of fun since our breakup.
“Wes!” I heard her shout.
I stopped dead center in the middle of the sidewalk while people pushed their way around me. I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t.
“You asked me how I was, and I lied to you,” she said from behind. “I’m not as good as could be expected. In fact, I’m not good at all. I hate that this happened to us. I cry myself to sleep every night and wish you were lying next to me. I check my phone a hundred times a day, wishing and hoping that it would ring and you’d be on the other end. I miss you, Wes.”
I slowly turned around and looked at the sadness in her eyes, the same sadness I had in mine. I wanted to reach out and grab her and tell her that everything would be okay, but I wasn’t sure if it would ever be again.
“I miss you too, Anna.”
“Can we go somewhere and talk?” she asked.
“Don’t you have a party to join?”
“They can party without me. I didn’t even feel like coming, but Franco dragged me out of the apartment.”
“I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about. We’re just going to rehash the same old shit and end up in another argument.”
“Is that how you really feel?” she asked.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel. It’s the truth. I want a family with you, and you don’t. What’s left to say?”
“I have a lot to say, and so do you. Even if you don’t want to admit it. I have fears that I should have expressed to you, but instead, I shut down and stood my ground. I shouldn’t have been so quick to react the way I did.”
“You’re right. I do have a lot to say, but I don’t want to hurt you any more than you’re already hurting.”
“It’s okay. I can take it. I know it’s been three weeks and the longest three weeks of my life. But I’ve been in therapy every day, and Dr. Stark has really helped me to see things in a different light.”
“Every day?” I asked.
“Yes. I told him we had a lot of ground to cover.”
I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.
“Where do you want to talk?” I asked.
“Central Park would be a good place.”
“Central Park it is.”
We took a cab over to the entrance of Central Park, where Cherry Hill was. It was quiet there and a beautiful night to sit by the lake and talk. Before we made it there, Anna had the cab driver stop at her apartment so she could grab a blanket for us to sit on. I couldn’t help but smile when she suggested it. Once we arrived, we spread out the blanket, and we both sat down.
“I have a mechanism inside me that shuts down when someone tells me what they want from me. It’s a fear mechanism because of how I was raised. If something scares me enough, I shut down instantly and close myself off. When you brought up the subject of children, the only thing I could see was me not being able to love and nurture that child like my mother couldn’t me. It wasn’t a fear I was projecting on myself; it was out of fear for the child. That’s why I never wanted kids. Because I was so afraid of fucking them up and putting them through what I went through. I’m literally scared to be a mom, and over the years, I created this story in my mind, and I made myself believe that I would be a horrible mother like mine was. Don’t get me wrong, Wes, I love kids. I really do. I’m just afraid for them and you.”
“Me? Why me?”
“Because I saw how it hurt my father, and I saw how, after time, he resented me for it, and it tore my parents apart.”
“You’re not your mother, Anna, and I’m not your father. I understand your fear. I really do. When Alexa told me that she was pregnant, I was over the moon with happiness. Even though I didn’t love her, I was going to be a father. Then, when I found out that there was never a baby, it destroyed me. I spent years hiding myself from women because I couldn’t trust them. Then I met you, and you changed all that for me. All I could see was us having a family together. Then, when you said you didn’t ever want to have kids like you, I shut down and walked away, thinking it would be easier instead of standing there while you broke my heart. But it hasn’t been easy at all. I’ve been a total mess these past three weeks. I wanted to reach out to you, but I didn’t want to bear any more pain. For fuck’s sake, this isn’t worth it. Being without you is not worth it. Any of it. If you don’t want kids, I can live with that, Anna. Because all I want is to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“No, you can’t, Wes. Just like I can’t live with not having a family with you.”
“What? What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I can’t, and I won’t let my fear stop me from living my best life. My best life is being with you, marrying you, and starting a family. I let my parents and their issues define me, and I’m not letting them do that anymore. They may have created me and given birth to me, but they aren’t me, and I’m not them. And when we do have children one day, and some signs appear that need addressing, I’ll get the help I need right away.”
“I’ve missed you so much,” I spoke as I placed my hands on each side of her face.
“I missed you too.”
I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers. Within seconds, our kiss deepened, and I never wanted to let her go. We both fell back on the blanket and laughed. We were making out in Central Park like a couple of teenagers. I broke our kiss and stared into her eyes as the light of the moon glistened on the lake.
“Can I you take you home? Back to our home?”
“Yes.” She smiled. “I want to come home.”