Chapter 39
“Maria, this absolutely sucks. Please tell me we’re almost done.”
Celeste and Maria were on their fifth lap around the high school track, power walking as Maria pushed Xavier in the stroller. The early morning sun was already scorching, and Celeste’s back was soaked with sweat.
“We’re exercising, Celeste,” Maria huffed. “You like exercise.”
“Wrong. I like activity. Ultimate Frisbee, hiking, synchronized swimming on occasion. This”—she motioned to the track—“is horrible.” She shook her head and smiled. “But I love it, if it means being with you, of course.”
“We should all be so lucky to have such dedicated friends. And thank you for making time for me in your busy schedule.” The exaggerated roll of Maria’s eyes told Celeste exactly what she thought of her busy schedule.
So maybe her days were a little full. She was dropping into pottery classes three days a week after work, co-teaching an after-school program the other two, and had insisted on babysitting Xavier twice in a week’s time.
And it had nothing to do with the fact that it had been eight days since John walked out of her house.
She’d ended up sleeping on the couch that night, unable to return to her bed after having shared it with John so recently. When Maria called the morning after John had left about retrieving Celeste’s car, she’d known something was wrong and had arrived ASAP with iced lattes and warm, flaky pastries.
She hadn’t grilled Celeste for details that morning, but she’d been grasping for them bit by bit ever since, and Celeste recognized the morning walk for what it was: an interrogation.
“So, while we’re out enjoying this beautiful Arizona morning, I’m going to ask you a few questions about what happened with John that has you spamming me with babysitting requests. This is what I know so far: after your fight with Morgan, John bought you fries, then you had great sex. He told you that he was a little bit in love with you, and you panicked.”
Celeste shook her head. “No. He said ‘halfway there,’ about the love stuff. And I didn’t panic. I stuck to my plan.”
“To be alone.”
“To be with myself, Maria. Being alone is just a side effect.”
Maria tsked, pushing the stroller along the turn. “And being with yourself and opening up to whatever could happen with John are mutually exclusive? Is it impossible to be both an individual and someone in a relationship? Because I didn’t get the memo that I gave up my personhood to be with my partner.”
Celeste glared at Maria even as she gasped for breath. Speed walking was awful. “You’re being purposefully argumentative. Of course you didn’t give up your personhood.” Maria was talking about her life, herself. It wasn’t the same. Celeste did her best to outpace the argument, pumping her arms hard.
This was easier, anyway. The stuff with John was over and she could return to her plan without any distractions. And the next time she met a charming, quiet, sexy, kind, captivating librarian lumberjack, she would definitely not offer to be his fake girlfriend.
Maria caught up, nudging Celeste with a shoulder. Celeste knew better than to try to outrun Maria—her friend showed up, no matter what.
“I don’t know why you’re being so hard on me,” she said, sucking air. “He’s the one who left, Maria. He’s the one who walked away.”
“Sorry, honey, but it sounds like he laid it out there and you failed to pick it up. You just happened to be at home, so he had to do the leaving. Listen, it’s okay to not know exactly what you want, Celeste. And it’s okay to be scared. But you like John, I know you do!”
“Of course I like him.” How could she not? He’d read every Barbara Kingsolver book in print and could make a bird feeder while she whispered dirty words in his ear.
“So. He likes you, you like him. That’s all you need to start. Don’t be so damn stubborn.”
Celeste scoffed. “It’s so much more complicated than that.”
Maria stopped, leaning onto the handlebar of her stroller and breathing hard. She grabbed her water bottle out of the cupholder and took a long swig. “We can either speed walk or argue about John, but I can’t do both simultaneously. I’m not even three months postpartum, for Christ’s sake. Stop trying to kill me.”
Celeste laughed and grabbed her own water from where she’d stashed it under Xavier’s stroller. He snoozed in his shaded seat, chubby and content. Maria lowered herself to the ground, reaching for her toes.
The heat of the track warmed her butt and thighs as she joined Maria. They stretched in silence for a moment as Celeste waited. No way was Maria through with her yet.
But when Maria spoke, her voice was light. “Actually, I could use some advice.”
Celeste perked up. “All right. Is this about David? Has the sex stuff been all right?”
“Girl.” Maria lowered her voice, as if Xavi might eavesdrop. “The sex stuff is great. Once I got over that hump, we got back into it. Way less frequently than before, but definitely storing up for when my mom gets here and the well runs dry. Thanks for the encouragement.”
Maria lay down and closed her eyes, smiling into the sunshine. “It’s actually about another thing. I met this guy that I really like a lot. He’s super smart and extremely good in bed.”
“Wait, what?” Celeste rose to her elbows, but Maria continued serenely at her side.
“And I had the major hots for him, basically right away. But I’m also on this self-proclaimed path to always be alone because I think all relationships are bound to take over my life. Because my ex-husband turned out to be a bit of a dickhead.”
“Maria.”
“So I made this perfect plan to just hook up with this guy for a few weeks, friends-with-benefits-style.”
“What are you—”
“But here’s the thing.” Maria’s eyes stayed closed, but her finger pointed in the air. “He caught feelings. And…” God, she was enjoying this too much. “And this is really hard for me to admit, but I caught feelings, too. When I look at him my whole body feels like one of those emojis with the big heart eyes.”
“Okay, that’s a little much—”
“But I ran scared, because it doesn’t fit with what I thought I needed. And I’m not sure I did the right thing.”
Maria’s eyes opened, dark brown and sparkling, as her mouth turned up into a grin. “I’d love your advice on what I should do.”
Celeste scoffed, even as Maria’s words bounced in her head. “You’re being an asshole.”
“Me?” Maria gasped. “I’m just a person in need. And I’m coming to my best friend, the woman who gives the best advice and makes the best plans in the world. The person who pours her heart into me, and gives me strength, and amazes me every day. I’m asking her because I trust her.”
Celeste’s eyes flooded. “Don’t do this.”
“Don’t do what?” Maria sat up. “Ask you to give yourself half the trust and friendship you give me? Well, I’m going to. Because I’m that bitch, Celeste. I love you, and I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t push you right now. You’re being stupid.”
Celeste shook with laughter even as she wiped hot tears from her cheeks.
Maria took her hands in hers, rubbing her thumb over Celeste’s knuckles. “Just try. Try to be your own friend.”
Celeste closed her eyes. The wetness on her cheeks vanished quickly under the heating sun. “Well.” She took a deep breath to steady her voice. “If I was talking to someone with this problem, I would probably ask her what she’s afraid of.”
“Okay. And how do you think she’d answer?”
Celeste sniffed. The world was all yellows and oranges behind her closed eyes. “Maybe she’d say that she’s afraid she got lost a long time ago, and that she won’t know when she’s found again.”
Maria squeezed her hands. “What else?”
“She might say that sometimes she runs around because she’s afraid to stand still. Because if she stops, she’s not sure what will be there.”
“Okay. And what advice would you give that friend?”
Celeste opened her eyes to find Maria watching, a gentle lift in her lips.
“I think I would tell her that we’re all works in progress. That she isn’t a destination, but a process. That she’s always a discovery. And that…” She swallowed hard, shaking her head. “That she should trust herself more. That she’s in control of keeping herself in the sun, and that what happened in her past doesn’t define her future.”
Their look held for a moment, and then Maria raised her hands to the sky. “Hallelujah! I am so fucking good.”
“Yeah, yeah. If you ever get tired of math, you could be a guidance counselor. Now shush, you’re going to wake up Xavi.” Celeste laughed.
“Let him wake up. I’ll tell him that his aunt Celeste is going through something and his mom is working wonders. I honestly don’t care what you do about John. Maybe this isn’t the right time for you to start something new. But that’s for you to decide. The Celeste of this moment, in this life. The question is, do you trust her? The woman you are today?”
Celeste remembered that flower. The one in the sidewalk crack searching for the sun. Reaching for possibility. All it had to do was let itself grow. “I think I do.”