Chapter 35
It wasthe shouting that woke her. Emma lay in the bed, staring at the ceiling, her heart pounding, and wondered if she’d been dreaming. But no, there it was again.
Blaze calling out in his sleep. Asking for help.
It broke her heart, that plea. And there was no way she could ignore him, even if his dream had been the beginning of the end the last time.
Emma threw the covers back and strode into the hall. When she got to Blaze’s door—her door just last night—she knocked.
The hoarse shout of his voice stopped. She waited, straining to hear through the silence. Sassy mewed in the bathroom. She’d hated to put the kitten in there for the night, but Blaze had been right that she didn’t want to settle down. Kittens were primed to jump on everything that moved, and legs were no exception when they shifted beneath the covers.
Emma had put her in there with her food, water, litter, and a kitty bed—and then there’d been silence.
Not anymore.
“Blaze? Are you awake?”
The door was yanked open and her big, growly, sexy protector stood there looking disheveled and a little bit lost. Not drained like last night, but tired and resigned.
He was shirtless again, and her blood hummed in her veins at the sight of all that muscle and skin.
“Sorry.”
Her heart pinched. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. You’ve had a trauma of some kind, and your brain calls it up when you sleep. I know you don’t want to talk about it and I’m not asking, but if you’d like to talk about something completely random, I’m here. Or maybe you’d like to come and play with Sassy? I’m going to have to let her out for a little bit. She heard me get up, and now she’s meowing.”
He shoved a hand through his hair, apparently unconcerned—or probably unaware—with the way it spiked over his head. She thought he would refuse and close the door, but he sighed.
“I think I’d like company.”
“Meet you in the living room? Or do you want to come into your bedroom for a while? We could sit on the bed and let Sassy bounce around between us.”
His gaze sharpened for the briefest of moments. “Yeah, that. Kittens and puppies make everything better.”
“Then you’d better come join us when you’re ready.”
Emma went back to her room, aware that he was following closely behind. She heard the snick of the door as he closed it, but she didn’t turn around. Every cell in her body was aware of him, but she told herself to cool it. The man was having a nightmare, and he was there to talk and laugh at kitten antics, not be her own personal wet dream.
Her skin heated as she thought about what she’d done earlier. After she’d put Sassy in the bathroom and couldn’t sleep, she’d let her hand drift down to the soft wetness between her thighs. She’d pictured Blaze’s face as she’d teased herself, gasping at the electricity when she skimmed her clitoris.
She’d thought she would need to ask Rory where she got Gus the Glamorous since shoving her fingers into her channel hadn’t been nearly satisfying enough when she’d orgasmed around them. She’d lay there panting, seeing stars, and still wanting more.
She’d truly thought she didn’t miss sex until she’d started stroking herself.
The truth was she didn’t miss it with Simon. She craved it with Blaze.
Craved it and wasn’t going to get it, which was about as satisfying as lying beneath Simon while he got himself off and then turned over and went to sleep.
Her ears were hot as she went to open the bathroom door. Sassy came bounding out of the room and ran between Emma’s legs. She laughed as she turned and watched Blaze scoop the kitten up in one big hand.
“Hello, little Sassy Pants. Have you been a good kitty for your mommy?”
Emma grinned even as her heart throbbed a little faster. “Not precisely. She wouldn’t go to sleep with me, like you said. She attacked my feet and legs until I had to put her in the bathroom.”
“Takes time,” Blaze said, sinking onto the far side of the mattress and leaning against the headboard. He set Sassy down and she promptly attacked a ripple in the covers. “The fleas aren’t helping either, but we’ll get those taken care of ASAP.”
“You’ve had kittens?”
His expression was guarded. “Once, when I was a kid. We stayed in one place for eight months that time. But I had to leave them all when Mom found a new supplier.”
Emma’s heart stuttered. “Supplier?”
He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “I said my mom moved us a lot because she had a lot of boyfriends. What I didn’t say was that those boyfriends were usually her suppliers. She’s a drug addict. Or was. I don’t know if she’s still alive or not. Don’t really care since she didn’t care about me enough to put me first once in a while.”
Emma’s throat squeezed. She didn’t know what to say. “I’m so sorry. That must have been terrifying for you.”
Inadequate, but all she had.
“I was scared a lot when I was little, and then I just got used to it. It was my normal. But I hated leaving those cats. I’d never had a pet before, and then I had five of them until the day I didn’t.”
Emma wanted to cry. And she wanted to hug him tight. He’d been a little boy who’d had nothing permanent in his life and no adults he could count on. When he had something good, something he loved, it was taken away.
Maybe that was why he didn’t want to get involved with her. Maybe he didn’t do relationships because they were messy and painful and he’d had enough of that in his life.
“You didn’t have to give Sassy to me. You could have kept her.”
He rolled his head on the headboard until he was looking at her. “I wanted you to have her. I still get to play with her, so long as we’re neighbors.”
Emma went to join him on the bed, sinking carefully onto the opposite side. Sassy pounced on the ripples in the covers as they wrinkled anew.
There were so many things she could say—wanted to say—but she decided to stick to the simple things.
“Will you be able to sleep again?”
“Should. Can’t guarantee I won’t dream, though.” He shoved a hand over his head and yawned big. “Haven’t had them in a while, now they’re back. Never go away completely.”
“I had bad dreams in medical school. They were brought on by anxiety about my classes and exams. I know it’s not the same thing,” she finished on a rush, chiding herself for bringing up her own experience. Nowhere near the same.
“You don’t have to explain, Emma. Stress happens to all of us.” He blew out a breath. “It was Afghanistan. The Hindu Kush. My unit was after a warlord who’d been hijacking supply convoys. We had information about where his stronghold was, and we went after him. But the intel was wrong, and we walked into an ambush.”
Her heart pounded as if she were watching a military action movie. She pictured Blaze in full gear, helmet, vest, rifle slung across his chest, taking fire and shouting for help. It made the desperation she heard when he’d shouted in his sleep all the more poignant.
“I lost five men that day. Three of us walked away, though walked isn’t quite the right word for it. In my dreams, I need air support, but I can’t remember the words to call for it. In reality, I called for air support, but it was too late.”
Emma reached across the bed and wound her hand in his, squeezing. He squeezed back.
“Thank you for telling me.”
She wanted to tell him to go to counseling, to consider medication, but she sensed he didn’t want to hear those things. And she wasn’t going to cross the fragile line between them by barreling over it with well-meaning but unwelcome advice.
“Thank you for listening. Before you ask, I’ve been to counseling. It’s required, and I was released to duty again after I completed the sessions.”
“I wasn’t going to ask.”
“You wanted to.”
She saw no point in lying. “I did.”
“I know you want to help, Sunshine. I appreciate it. But I know I might always deal with the survivor’s guilt and helplessness. If it gets unbearable, I’ll see someone. This shit doesn’t magically go away, though, and you know it.”
“I know. Just so long as you’re self-aware enough to get help if you need it. That’s the important part.”
“Trust me, I know. And I will. There’s been a lot happening lately, and I was due for a rough night or two. Always happens.”
“Chance getting shot didn’t help, did it?”
She felt the tightening in his body. “No. It was nothing in the scheme of things, but it reminded me.”
“Understandable. Wouldn’t life be great if bad things just never happened? Impossible, though. We’re all carrying some emotional tragedy around inside and trying to smile like everything is perfectly normal. Which it is a lot of the time, until something throws us off kilter.”
He hadn’t let go of her hand. She took comfort in the warmth and solidity of it. He was here, with her, and even if they weren’t together, they were friends. She trusted him more than she’d ever trusted a man before. It was a good feeling, but sad too since she wanted so much more and he didn’t.
“It would be great, but I don’t think that’s how life works. We need the pain to make us human, to remind us that every day we wake up and have choices is a damn good day.”
“Wow, look at us, philosophizing in the middle of the night with a kitten between us.”
He grinned. He looked tired, but his smile had the power to make her melt. He was a handsome man, beautiful and rugged, his body honed like finely chiseled marble. She couldn’t help but be aware of him, of the heat rolling from him and the need blossoming in her core.
“Who knows, we might solve world hunger or find the solution to world peace right here tonight.”
Emma laughed. “Maybe.”
His expression changed, turned serious. “I’m glad you’re here with me, Emma.”
Her heart thumped a quick beat. “I am too.”
His eyes were beginning to droop. Sassy pounced a couple more times and crawled onto his lap before turning around and around. He stroked her tiny head.
“I should go. Let you get back to sleep.”
“I think you should stay. Let Sassy use you as a bed.”
“Looks like she already is.”
“Then you definitely can’t go.”
His summer-sky eyes were warm when they slid over her. “Can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.”