Chapter 45
“Areyou sure you want to do this?” Emma asked.
“Yes,” Blaze lied. “It’s fine, babe. Let’s go inside.”
In truth, he was oddly nervous. The grandeur of the Sutton home, perched on a green lawn with mature trees and a wrought iron fence on a large corner lot in the historic district, made him feel out of place. Like he didn’t belong in their world and never would.
He wasn’t used to being nervous. Hadn’t expected it to happen today, but the gravity of the situation hit him approximately three minutes ago when they’d pulled into the driveway and he’d gotten a look at the house’s facade in the daylight.
Fancy people lived here. Not kids with drug-addicted mothers and no roots.
Emma climbed the back steps and turned, her hand on the screen door. She was not in the least bit calm either, which reminded him that his nerves weren’t important. It was how she felt that mattered.
Her grip on the handle tightened. “She’s going to subtly grill you about your life and relationships,” she whispered to him. “It’s nothing to do with your suitability to be her son-in-law and everything to do with finding out if you’re even interested in the position. She’s going to ask about kids, too. I’ll do what I can to derail her.”
Blaze chuckled. “You said all that before.”
“I know. I’m just, I dunno, terrified she’ll make you think twice about being with me. I mean I know this isn’t a relationship and we aren’t getting married or anything, but I like what’s been happening with us, and I want to keep it for a while.”
He wanted to keep it, too. He didn’t know if she was saying those things about relationships and marriage because he’d told her he couldn’t give her anything more than a few nights in bed or if she meant them.
He didn’t like the way it made him feel to think she’d dismissed the idea of a future with him. He wasn’t looking for a future, and yet…
“She’s not going to rattle my cage that badly, Emma. I’ve seen a thing or two in the military. Your mama, no matter how diabolical, doesn’t compare.”
“I think you underestimate her. You remember the signal?”
She’d given him a signal so he could let her know when he wanted to leave. He wasn’t using it, though. “I tug my ear three times.”
“Exactly. Do that and I’ll save us both. Somehow.”
The door opened behind Emma, revealing her mother in a flowery print dress, low heels, and a red head band that held back her blond hair and made her look like a mother from a movie set in the 1950s.
“Emma Grace, are you going to stand on the stoop and talk all night or do you plan to bring Mr. Connolly inside for dinner?”
“Of course, Mama. We were just discussing something that happened at the Dawg last night.”
She was a bad liar. It almost made him laugh. Especially when her mother shot him a wink that said she knew better. He refrained, though.
Emma stepped inside and Blaze followed. He’d seen the kitchen the other night, but now he had time to pay attention to it. It was massive, with white cabinets, marble counters, a large island in the center, and the biggest stove he’d ever seen outside a restaurant kitchen.
Better than that, however, it smelled divine. Pots bubbled on the stove and the smell of fried chicken hung in the air. His stomach took the opportunity to rumble.
“What happened at the Dawg?” her mother asked, the picture of innocence.
“Oh, um, there was a great band. And Blaze’s friend, Kane, found a woman who’d lost her job and had been sleeping in her car. He bought her dinner and found her a place to stay for a few nights.”
More like he’d paid for a room at a local BB and started lobbying to hire her as their receptionist. Ghost wasn’t against it, but first they had to make sure she knew how to use a computer and answer phones. Not that answering phones was difficult, but if she wasn’t good on the phone, then what was the point?
Ellen Sutton radiated genuine concern. “Oh no, poor thing. Is she okay? She’s not a local, is she?”
“No. She was working at the Wheeler Inn and lost her job. I guess someone wanted their job back, and Celia let her go because she had less seniority.”
“That wasn’t nice of her. But Celia Lincoln has never been particularly nice, I’m sorry to say. I’m glad Mr. Connolly’s friend was there to help.” She turned to him, her smile welcoming and warm. “Mr. Connolly, we’re so happy you’ve joined us tonight.”
“Please, ma’am, call me Blaze.”
“And you must call me Ellen. John will be down in a few minutes. I hope you don’t mind, but we’re having fried chicken. It’s not fancy, but I thought a homey meal would be better than a fancy one.”
“It smells terrific, ma’am. Ellen.”
“Why, thank you.” Ellen beamed. “Emma Grace, I thought we’d sit at the eat-in instead of the formal dining room tonight. Can you and Blaze set the table for me?”
“Sure,” Emma said, going over to one of the cabinets to pull out plates. She handed the stack to him and went to collect silverware from a drawer.
“I starched napkins this afternoon, so we’ll use those,” her mother said as Emma led the way to the round table tucked into one end of the kitchen.
Emma’s eyes met his. She looked less worried than she had before, but he knew she was still apprehensive about what her mother would say tonight. He wanted to tell her she didn’t have to worry about that, but he knew she wouldn’t listen.
It was clear to him that her mother had her number. Ellen probably knew exactly what Emma expected. She’d either play into it or she wouldn’t. He was almost looking forward to the performance if she did.
John Sutton entered the kitchen when they were setting the table. He greeted Blaze with a warm handshake and a smile, hugged Emma and kissed her on the head, then went over to give his wife a kiss on the cheek.
It was wholesome and happy, and Blaze was envious of how much the Suttons cared for each other. How they didn’t even question that this was how a family behaved.
He’d known his life wasn’t normal when he was a kid. He’d gotten used to it because it was all he’d known.
His mom cared more about her next fix than him. He’d never understood why she’d dragged him from place to place instead of leaving him behind, but it’d finally dawned on him years later that she’d done it so she wouldn’t have to go alone.
He was her companion between fixes. The person she forgot about until she needed him again.
He’d survived her bullshit and the crapshoot that had been his childhood, but it’d made him an emotional loner. He didn’t let people in. Too risky.
His team were the best friends he’d ever had. They were his family. They were all fucked up in their own ways. Nobody wanted too much from anyone else, but they’d be there for each other through hell and back if they had to be.
That’d always been enough.
But what would it be like to really let someone in? To be vulnerable because you loved them and needed them in your life?
Would it be like the picture the Suttons made, or was that an illusion?
A shiver tripped down his spine at the idea of being vulnerable. And yet he wanted what the Suttons had more than he’d ever wanted anything.
To belong. To know he had a wife and kids who loved him as much as he loved them. To keep them safe and give them everything without holding back a part of himself.
Jesus.
He watched Emma as she placed starched white napkins on top of the plates and straightened the silverware beside them. She glanced up at him and smiled, and he felt that smile all the way to his soul.
It terrified him and somehow filled the empty spaces inside him simultaneously.
“Blaze, could you carry this chicken to the table?” Ellen called out, and he felt like he was in a dream as he turned and went to collect the platter from her.
She smiled and thanked him. His heart raced, and little beads of sweat broke out on his forehead.
Seriously? After everything he’d done, all the dangerous situations he’d found himself in over the years as a special operator, it was the idea of domesticity and being in love that made him sweat?
“Here, can you grab the biscuits too?” she added before he walked away.
He picked up the basket and carried everything to the table. Soon all the food was there, the glasses were poured with water, wine and beer had been offered and poured, and they sat down to eat.
They made small talk for a while about the weather (windy), the temperature (warming but a frost was imminent so don’t plant flowers yet), and how Blaze and his friends were liking Alabama (just fine, thanks).
Blaze was appropriately complimentary about the food, which was as good as any restaurant, and Ellen blushed a little while thanking him for it. Now he knew where Emma got those soft blushes.
John asked if he played golf. Blaze admitted that he really didn’t, though he’d played a few times in the military. What he didn’t tell Doc Sutton was that the games he’d played were meant to be done while drinking with his buddies so that everyone was drunk at the end.
Silly team bonding stuff that didn’t make sense to anyone else and certainly didn’t result in learning any golf skills.
He was on his second helping of fried chicken when Ellen winked at him and asked, “So tell me, Blaze, what are your thoughts about children? Do you want a big family?”
Emma, who’d been sipping her water, sputtered. Blaze reached over and patted her back as if she were choking, which she wasn’t, and met Ellen’s gaze.
“Ideally, I think ten is a good number. Would you agree?”
“Oh, most assuredly. They can clean the kitchen, wash the car, mow the lawn, and fetch the remote. Quite useful.”
“But if there were eleven,” he mused. “You could field your own family football team.”
“Very true. Girls and boys both, I assume?”
“Why not?”
Emma’s gaze darted between them before she shot him a glare. “You two planned this, didn’t you?”
He laughed. “Not at all, Sunshine. But your mama winked, and I was pretty sure she was putting you on.”
Ellen took a prim sip of her wine while John chuckled.
“You give me no credit for good sense, Emma Grace. I know you were reluctant to bring Blaze over because you thought I’d start planning a wedding. And as much as I might like to do that for you someday, I’m not going to start envisioning wedding bells the instant you move back to town and start seeing someone. Gracious. Now that we have that out of the way, would anyone like dessert?”
Everyone did. They ate banana pudding that was sweet, creamy, and delicious and talked for another hour before Blaze and Emma said their goodbyes.
He’d had one beer, water, and a coffee, but he felt drunk on his feelings as he drove them back to the Sutton building. He liked her parents. Liked Sutton’s Creek. Liked the life he was leading here, even when it involved clandestine parts he wasn’t allowed to talk about.
That thought made his gut twist. He liked Emma most of all, and he couldn’t tell her the truth. He hated that more than anything. Hated lying about what he’d been doing the night Chance got hurt.
“It wasn’t bad, was it?” She sounded relieved.
He glanced over at her. She was watching him with big blue eyes, and he wanted to stop the truck, drag her into his arms, and kiss her right there.
“It was great. Your parents are good people.”
“I didn’t realize my mother was such a joker.”
She almost sounded sad.
“Is it a bad thing?”
“Her joking like that? No. But me not knowing?” She hesitated. “It reminds me how long I’ve avoided being home and how much I missed. I should have returned more often.”
He hadn’t asked her before now, but it was an opening, and he was going to take it. Helped keep his mind off his own churning thoughts.
“Care to tell me why you were avoiding it? You seem happy here, you have great friends, and your parents appear to be normal. I know that’s not always enough by the way.”
“It’s all true.” She studied her lap. “My parents are great, the extended family—who you’ve not met yet—is great. Though Great-Aunt Bernice is a little crazy. My friends are great, and life here has always been good. I was teased in school for being exceptionally nerdy and awkward, but it wasn’t anything that scarred me for life. That’s not what made me stay away, though.”
He waited, sensing she was working up to it in her own time.
“I had a baby brother. He died in his crib when I was nine. SIDS.”
His gut twisted at what that must have done to the happy family he’d witnessed tonight. “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. I remember my mother crying all the time, my dad with red eyes as he tried not to cry. I remember wanting to be with her, sit in her lap, have her attention, and she wasn’t able to give it. I was nine and I didn’t understand. Of course I understood my brother was gone, and I cried too. I wanted to fix him, which is where I think my desire to be a doctor came from. Or maybe it’s in the blood and I always would have wanted to do it.”
She shrugged. “Mama did the best she could, I know that. She was depressed for a long time. She got better with medication, and I got her back again. But then my panic attacks started when I was twelve. Who knows why? Fear of something happening again, fear of being alone. Fear of dying in my bed at night the way Jay did?”
“Baby,” he said, his throat tight. He could imagine that little girl in her pink canopied bed, her heart racing with fear, chills shivering over her body. Not understanding why, thinking she was dying.
He reached for her hand and squeezed.
“I started to work really hard to get the best grades, make my parents proud. I was a serious kid made even more serious by tragedy, and it made me believe things that only a kid would think were reasonable. I thought if I was a perfect daughter, then nothing bad would happen to me or them. And I guess I also thought I had to make them miss my brother less by being good enough for both of us.”
He thought he understood. “You wanted to escape because the pressure was too much.”
She sucked in a breath and nodded. “Yep. Pressure I put on myself, which makes absolutely no sense. I felt like I could breathe when I wasn’t living in Sutton’s Creek.”
“And now?”
“I’m still working on it. But I’m enjoying being back. I love seeing my family, love having Rory and Theo nearby. I love the historic district and the downtown, the coffee at Kiss My Grits, the library, the shops on the square, Piggly Wiggly, and Clarence’s barbecue. I even love kooky Colleen and her mystical shop of crystals and Tarot readings.”
He wanted to ask what else she loved. He didn’t. Instead, he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it.
“I’m glad you’re here, Emma. I’m glad I met you, even if the circumstances weren’t the best.”
She smiled softly. “I’m glad, too. You are definitely one of the parts of Sutton’s Creek I enjoy.”
He’d take it. For now.