18. Evelyn
18
EVELYN
HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?
I lie on the desk, the wood cold against my flushed cheek, my body still throbbing with the aftershocks of my orgasm and Dimitri’s cock still inside me. And I already know the answer.
He’s dangerous, and I’m weak. I’ve been weak for him since he pinned me up against the door of my apartment, his fingers around my wrist promising all kinds of fantasies I’ve never even thought to have before. Maybe even before that, when he walked into the ruins of my shop like some kind of devastatingly handsome ghost of Christmas present, and offered me what felt like a miracle at the time. Or before that, when he caught me from falling on the ice, and I smelled that juniper scent of his cologne the first time.
It’s all over me now. In my clothes, on my skin, seeped into me until I think I won’t ever be able to stop catching that scent, and it makes me tighten around him again, earning a groan that spills from his lips as if even what we just did wasn’t enough. He’s still half-hard, his chest heaving against my back as he tries to gather himself, and suddenly all I want is to get away from him.
I’m guessing this penthouse is probably six thousand square feet, and it’s still not big enough for both of us right now.
I want to get away from him not because I didn’t enjoy what just happened, but because I did . And I don’t understand why.
I was furious with him when he told me to bend over the desk. Furious, confused, and embarrassed. I was even angrier when the spanking started, and I realized that he wasn’t holding back. That he really intended to punish me. For it to hurt. It did hurt. And then—it became something else.
Just like the feeling of his hand around my wrist woke something up inside of me, something that I didn’t even know I would want, that hot crack of leather against my ass woke something up, too. Something I was vaguely aware some people are into, but never thought I would be. And it wasn’t just the belt, it was all of it.
It was the feeling of being exposed, my pants tugged down around my thighs so that my ass and pussy were on display, vulnerable to Dimitri’s gaze. The embarrassment of being told to bend over for a spanking. The way I could tell that it was turning him on, too.
I had no idea that lust and humiliation could be such a heady combination. But now I do.
I’ve never felt anything that could compare to what it felt like to have him touch me. I’ve never had sex like that before. I never knew it could feel that good, that I could come that hard. I’ve never had an orgasm that intense, not with my fingers, or a toy, and definitely not with a man.
I feel him pull away from me, the sensation of his cock sliding out of my tender, sensitive flesh making me hiss and clench around him once more, and he groans, the sound sending shivers prickling over my skin.
And then I feel the warm, slick drip of his cum down the insides of my thighs, and my entire body freezes with alarm.
Shit . Oh god, no .
I’m not on birth control. I’ve always had bad reactions to it, and truthfully, I haven’t really needed it often. I’ve always made sure to have condoms at my apartment just in case of a hookup, and on the couple of occasions that I’ve had a date who takes me back to his place, I insist that they use one.
But we’re not at my apartment. And Dimitri clearly had no intention of finding one here. I didn’t think to say anything, because I was so lost in how he was making me feel. In lust, and confusion, and the feeling of being so passionately wanted, all mixed up with sensations I’d never felt before.
He came inside me. Strangely, I feel a sudden hot prick of tears at the corners of my eyes, because no one has ever done that before. It’s the first time I’ve ever had a man inside me bare, the first time I’ve ever felt a man come inside me like that, and it was this .
A raw, angry fuck, driven by a punishment and entirely unplanned. I can’t say entirely unwanted, because that’s not true. But what is true is that this wasn’t supposed to happen.
I shove myself up from the desk, grabbing awkwardly at my leather pants and dragging them up my thighs. I see Dimitri’s gaze flick down, taking in my half-undress, and I see that he’s already put himself back together. His pants are zipped, his clothes straightened, and only the tousled mess of his hair and slight flush of his throat above the edges of his collar hint that something just happened between us. That makes me feel even more at a disadvantage, even angrier, and I glare at him, gritting my teeth as I fasten the button of my pants.
“Can I go?” I snap. “Or do you have some other punishment in mind for me?”
Dimitri’s eyes flash. “Don’t tempt me,” he murmurs, his voice still raspy, husky and thick with the remainder of his desire. “I could teach you a better use for that sassy mouth.”
“Fuck you,” I spit, and to my horror, I feel tears pricking at the corners of my eyes again. “I’ll never get on my fucking knees for you, asshole.”
The insult doesn’t land. Dimitri chuckles, his gaze still dark as it sweeps over me. “You said you’d never fuck me, too, l’vitsa . But my cock is still wet from you.”
Heat washes over me, momentarily making my knees go weak. Nothing has ever sounded as filthily erotic as Dimitri saying things like that in that fucking accent. But I refuse to let it get to me again.
“ You fucked me ,” I snap. “You made me bend over a desk, hit me, and then you fucked me. You?—”
“I punished you,” Dimitri corrects sharply. “I spanked you. Disciplined you. Call it what you want, Evelyn, but I did not hit you. I would never hurt you like that.”
“It hurt,” I hiss, blinking back those hot tears, and I see what almost looks like a flicker of regret in Dimitri’s eyes before it vanishes again.
“It felt good, too.” That heat flares in his eyes again as he throws that back at me, and I feel my face heat, embarrassment washing over me again.
This time, it doesn’t turn me on.
“You didn’t use a condom,” I bite out. “You came inside me. You should have fucking known better.”
There’s that flicker of regret again in his face. “I didn’t think,” he admits. “It happened fast. I wanted?—”
“Exactly.” With that biting word, the rest spill out hot and fast, until I’m almost choking on them. “ You wanted. You didn’t think about what I might want. You didn’t think about how it would feel after. You punished me for a stupid decision, and then you fucked me, and you came inside me. This marriage isn’t fucking real , Dimitri! You could get me pregnant, and then what?”
His eyes widen, like I’ve slapped him, like he actually didn’t fucking think about the fact that coming inside me could have consequences. “Evelyn?—”
I keep talking anyway, over him as he tries to cut me off. “You didn’t think about the fact that if we did ever have sex, I wouldn’t want our first time to be like this. Now this is it. This is how our first time went. Me, bent over a desk, terrified, and you fucking me because you couldn’t help yourself. You broke our deal. So I don’t want to hear shit about me going out without a bodyguard again.”
With that, I shove past him, snatching the lock to one side and bolting out into the main floor of the penthouse. I don’t know if this still counts as us being done because I left the room, if Dimitri was finished with whatever he had planned for us, but I don’t fucking care any longer. Even my shop isn’t worth this, and I’m not about to let him see me cry.
Buttons jumps off of the couch and comes running to me as I burst into the living room, following me as I run out onto the balcony, slamming the door behind me. The cold doesn’t bother him, and I barely notice it, even when hot tears start to drip down my face and I reach out to grab onto the icy railing. I’m too upset to think about anything but the ache in my chest, the soreness in my body, and how everything feels like it’s falling apart.
Swallowing hard, I sink down to the balcony, pulling my knees to my chest. The frigid air bites through my sweater, but I ignore it, wrapping one arm around Buttons and letting my hands sink into his fur as I cry. From somewhere inside, I think I hear the front door open and shut, and I wonder briefly if Dimitri has left. But I don’t really care about that, either.
I hope he has. I hope I get to be alone for a while. The only person I want right now is Dahlia, and I don’t dare call her. If I told her what Dimitri just did, she’d take me back to my apartment and then burn his penthouse down. And then we’d have even more problems.
I sit outside until I finally stop crying and the cold breaks through, making me realize that I’m shivering. I get up stiffly, walking back into the warm interior of the penthouse, and I stand there for a moment, listening for the sounds of anyone inside.
It’s silent, and I feel fairly sure that Dimitri hasn’t come back yet. I walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water, and I see a takeout menu for a local Asian fusion restaurant that I feel sure wasn’t there before on the counter. Almost as if he left it there for me.
My stomach tightens, and I shake off the feeling that he’s trying to apologize. There’s no apology for this. And if he hasn’t decided to annul our marriage, and is going to continue on as before, then all I can do is try to put as much distance between us as possible.
Which is difficult, considering the fact that we share a bed. But I can ignore him. I can not let small gestures like this get to me.
And I can definitely, definitely not let him fuck me again.
Right?
I swallow hard, downing the glass of water and heading upstairs to take a bath. I lock the bathroom door behind me, just in case Dimitri comes home, and draw a bath as hot as I can stand it. It stings the tender, reddened skin on my ass as I slide into the silky water, and I let out a sharp hiss, trying my best to ignore the throb between my legs at the hint of pain.
Clearly, I’m into some things that I didn’t realize I would be. But that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I don’t let myself fall prey to it again. That I don’t let myself give in to Dimitri again.
When the bath has gone cold, I get into the shower, washing my hair and scrubbing myself twice with my almond-honey scented body wash until I feel sure I’ve gotten every trace of his juniper scent off of me. I breathe in the fragrant steam, trying to expel every hint of it from my senses, until the shower runs cold too, and I finally emerge into the bathroom.
I linger upstairs, listening for Dimitri to come back, as I change into a pair of leggings and a long, soft sweater. When there’s still no sounds from downstairs, I head back down to the main floor, just in time for the door to open as I pick up the menu off of the counter.
My heart jolts in my chest, but for the first time, I’m actually relieved to see that it’s Gus who steps inside. He looks at me gruffly from the door, his gaze sweeping through the penthouse before returning to me.
“Just doing my rounds,” he says. “Everything fine in here?”
My cheeks heat a little as I wonder if he, or any of Dimitri’s other guards, heard what happened earlier. “I’m fine,” I manage. “Just ordering some food. Want some?”
Gus shakes his head abruptly, and for the first time, I wonder if he’s angry with me, too. He’s probably in trouble, since he didn’t catch me before I left. Guilt sweeps through me at that, and I bite my lip. “Gus?—”
“I’m good. Thanks.” He turns and leaves, the door closing firmly behind him, and my stomach drops as I look back down at the menu.
Twenty minutes later, my food arrives—mushroom truffled crispy rice and spring rolls with sweet and sour sauce. I take it, still in the takeout containers, over to the couch near one large window, and look out over the city as I start to eat.
The food is delicious, but I barely taste it. I stare out over the brightly lit city, feeling a little like a fish in an aquarium with all this floor-to-ceiling glass around me, and I wonder once again if all of this was a mistake.
I don’t know how I’m going to live, day in and day out, with a man like Dimitri, who makes me want him and hate him by turns, makes me grateful to him and infuriated by him all at once. I don’t know how I’m going to get used to feeling like I’m living in a cage, no matter how beautiful or temporary, or how I’m going to live with being followed every moment, reminded that I’m in danger, that I’ve been dragged into all of this against my will.
And more than anything else, I don’t know how I ever thought this was actually going to work.