34. Katya
CHAPTER 34
KATYA
There’s a thick charge in the room as Fyodor apologizes to his sons. Neither one of them responds at first, but in moments, his youngest has tears in his eyes. He tells his father that he forgives him. Fyodor cut both of the boys loose after that, and he asked me to head back to the room so they can talk.
But the last thing I hear before I leave is the plan to send them away, first to get clean and then to work off the debt to the syndicate because leaving that open is a death warrant.
I take my time returning to our room on the crutches. The five-hour car ride wouldn’t have been easy on me, even if it was a pleasant one, but the tension radiates through every single muscle in my body, and I’m not sure what to do to relax.
His sons really fucked up the apartment, and as I moved through it, I see that they hit all of the places that would hurt him most. And of course, that includes our bedroom.
When I get inside, I look at all of the beautiful things they ruined—the carved wooden bed, the dressers, the lamps. I understand that they were angry, high, and probably making really poor choices, but this is just not what I needed right now when I was finally starting to feel comfortable and okay.
It’s not Fyodor’s fault, but this is so similar to the feeling of being displaced after leaving the hospital that I shake in place as I sit on the mattress. It’s the only part of the room that’s not ruined. I’m not sure if they ran out of time or if they just forgot, but at least there’s softness under me as I look around at the destruction.
“Kotyonok?” His deep voice eventually finds me, and I look up to find him in the doorway. Tears cover my cheeks, and I didn’t realize I was crying until that moment.
“What’s wrong?”
“After everything I’ve been through, I hate to see our space like this. You, us, it’s the only thing that’s made me feel safe, and this…”
I gesture around the room, crying harder than I expect as I describe how the symbolic destruction of our relationship is destroying me. If I lost him, I couldn’t take it. What if it all just falls apart on me?
He’s on his knees in front of me for the second time today, but his eyes are firmly on mine this time.
“Talk to me.”
“You could die. You could die and leave me just like Pietro, just like this happy room we shared for the last month. Someone can take you from me, and I can’t stop it.”
He listens patiently, maintaining eye contact with me the whole time.
“I know that, Katya. I’ve lived most of my adult life alone with that knowledge.”
Fat tears fall, and sobs clog my throat. “Then why? Then why try again at all when everything can fall apart? When everything can wind up as a hollow spot in your chest?
“Because that’s our only choice if we want a life worth living, Kotyonok.”
I’m not sure what to say. Some days, I’m convinced it’s still not worth living, but like he asked me in that club, I’ve decided to live for him. Most days, it’s enough that he makes me happy, and I want to be with him, but on days like today, when the fear is all I feel and see and taste, I can’t make sense of how I could ever be that brave again.
How can I stand in front of this man and openly and honestly love him? Accepting him and all of his darkness and flaws when doing so will mean that he will accept me the same way. And then what? We love each other and merge our souls, and I have to live with the knowledge that we’ll one day part again?
“I can’t lose you. I can’t survive it.”
“One day, you will have to, and you will have to survive it, but for every day I live, for every day I can , I will choose you, Katya. I will always choose you.”
He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a small box.
“I was planning something romantic. I surely wasn’t going to ask in our room while it’s torn to shit, but I’m not gonna let you sit here and cry about losing me when I’ve already made my decision. I just need you to make yours.”
He opens the box and sitting inside is the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen. It’s blue and clear as water cut into a tapered stone with points on each end. A crown of full-size diamonds surround it. I’ve never seen jewelry like this outside of a museum.
“Will you marry me, Katya? Will you choose to stay by my side with God as your witness and love me as long as we possibly can?”
Tears pour from my eyes, and my throat attempts to choke me from the inside out. I want him to deny my fears and convince me that we’re immortal, but I know in my bones we’re not. This is what life has to offer, and I should be smart enough not to waste my time while I have it. No matter how much I would like things to be different, I have to accept that life is about savoring what you’re given.
“Are you going to marry me, Kotyonok?”
“Yes.”
He pulls the ring out of the box and places it on my finger. It looks even larger on my hand. He grabs my face in both his oversized hands and kisses me long and deep.
“I promise you, I will make every moment we have together worth it, and one day when we do say goodbye, I’ll be waiting for you in the afterlife.”
For a moment, I worry about Pietro and the wife he loved so much, but I realize there won’t be any conflict in death because love knows no bounds and no jealousy. The human soul is an endlessly flexible thing.
The piece of me that belongs to Pietro will forever be with him. Katya, the young prima ballerina, died beside him at the hands of that drunk driver. The piece of Fyodor that belongs to Sne?ana will always be with her. This is a second life after all—a chance at a new beginning. Pietro died moments after we decided to spend our lives together, and as short a time as it lasted, we did it. I can grieve for him for all time, but he would want me to be happy.
Fyodor lifts me into his arms, and his hold feels like everything right in the world, like safety, love, and support. The kind of thing a person gives you that lasts long after they’re gone.
“Just one question,” I say, my face stuffed in his shoulder.
“Yes?”
“What’s in this ring?”
“A diamond.”
“Well, yeah, like twelve, but the blue stone.”
“It’s a diamond.”
“I didn’t realize there were blue diamonds.”
“They’re very rare,” he tells me simply.
He carries me through the house, and I realize we’re headed down to the car. This is one thing I can always count on with him. He sees what I need, and he takes care of me. I don’t have to ask to know that we’re going to a hotel or maybe a different property that he owns because the sight of our home in shambles upsets me.
I look at the ring on my hand and think very hard about what he said. Jewelry isn’t exactly my thing, so I can’t guess the carat or anything like that, but this had to be an insane amount of money.
“Fyodor, how much did you spend on this?”
“That’s an awfully crass question, Kotyonok. That’s a gift.”
“Fyodor,” I insist.
He laughs a little. “Three million dollars.”