Chapter Twenty-Three Nix
Nix
After several days of sharing space with his mates, Nix realizes he doesn’t enjoy being alone. Maybe it’s because he spent most of the past decade without Jamie, truly alone and lonely, and now that he has him back–and has the others, too–the minutes he doesn’t have them in his sight are harder than ever.
Not that there hadn’t been people moving in and out of his life after his parents and sister died—at his grandmother’s, at school, even when he was with him—but Nix wasn’t new to the feeling of being alone even when surrounded by people.
Especially if they were the wrong people.
So choosing to seclude himself in this new space, despite his preference for company, might have seemed a bit strange.
Oh, the spare room is beautiful, and the bathroom, with its soft yellow towels, is fancy—but having his own space after so long feels weird.
In the end, Nix can only assume it boils down to this: It’s not where you spend your time but with whom.
Add to it that his freshly washed and pack-scented clothes have magically made their way into the bureau and the closet…well, that is even weirder. During his time with him , Nix had only ever worn his castoffs. The day he’d finally been freed from that life, Nix could count only the clothes he’d been wearing that last day to the ER and the sleep shorts and t-shirt as his own.
In retrospect , he— no, he needs to try to at least think his name, even if he can’t bear to say it out loud yet— Hayes had been providing less and less of life’s necessities in those past few weeks. Less food in the fridge (that he wasn’t even permitted to eat), fewer errands to the market when he could slip away to the library, and fewer cast-offs. Nix doesn’t have a hard time imagining that he – Hayes might even have been planning to kill him.
Nix has to laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing because he did almost kill him. Maybe this attempt hadn’t been premeditated, but the result had been the same. Nix can’t feel entirely bad about it, though, because it did free him. He may have had to walk through the proverbial fire to do it, but he was here.
And fuck, is he glad.
Nix can’t miss the irony of surviving Hayes’s attempted murder just to throw himself in front of that moving train again, but this is different. This time, it was on purpose. This time, Nix is Were. They are at least on the same playing field now, and if Nix has anything to do with it, it won’t be Hayes running him over. It will be Nix’s turn.
If anyone had ever asked him, he would have never said—not in a million years—that he would one day look forward to causing harm, to taking a life.
And he isn’t. Not really.
It’s not the process Nix is looking forward to—it’s the result. What is that saying? It’s not the journey—it’s the destination.
Yeah. That.
He desperately needs to know that Dawson Hayes will never come for his mates.
That he will never have to live that life again.
That the haunting possibility of it will be erased—permanently.
Finn’s friend, Baz, has a plan for the omegas to come out together, and it makes him feel more hopeful than anything he’s heard yet, except maybe seeing Arlo’s pregnancy up close.
The roundness of his belly had made Nix’s new secondary gender even more real. The hope that blossomed had been so sharp, and a tiny part of him wanted to revel in it alone, to maybe spend a bit of time dreaming about the possibilities and lay his guilt down for a little while.
He felt a bit guilty telling Grayson that he needed some time to himself because they had turned a corner this afternoon. When he had seen his brown hair after so much time, it had felt like a weight had been lifted.
He’d been happy to share that turning point, and it hadn’t felt strange at all to feel a tingling of Grayson’s relief in his chest. They seemed to be so in sync about things–or at least they had been before Nix dropped the bomb, and this afternoon saw a little of that return.
Grayson had wanted to continue that feeling of relief with some more one-on-one time, but Nix knew if he’d come with him, they wouldn’t be sleeping, and Nix is still a bit…emotionally bruised by today’s events.
While everyone but Gideon had seemed to “come around” just enough to support his decision on the surface, Nix knew they were holding back how they really felt, Grayson included.
It isn’t hard to see that they wanted to smooth over the emotional bumps so much that they haven’t entirely sat with their acceptance yet, and Nix needs them on his side for real. Not just sucking it up to put smiles on faces and butts in beds. Was that cynical? Maybe, but Nix no longer had time to ease his mates along the rose-lined path. He needed them to be as determined he was going to triumph here as he was. And that called for a bit of time for reflection.
The only genuine support he’d had from the beginning had been Luca. Nix hadn’t had a chance to ask him why he had been so ready to step up and champion his choices right off the bat, but even without a reason, Luca had been impassioned. It gave Nix the biggest jolt of love and affection. He wished he could climb under the covers of Luca’s bed and roll into his mocha-scented mate, and fall asleep to a soft lullaby he would probably make up on the fly.
But Luca was busy with Gideon.
He had tried to put on a brave face for Nix, and he’d said things would be better in the morning. Nix hadn’t believed him then, but his mom had always said that sometimes you just needed to have faith.
It was obvious that Gideon and Luca were still working through their disagreement as well. Nix understood better than most that trust was something you worked at, not always something you earned in one fell swoop.
It was a fortress, built one moment at a time, and their fortress had been impenetrable before today. Yes, they dropped the drawbridge, and their mates roamed freely in and out, but the foundation was pure Gideon and Luca. Luca and Gideon.
When Gideon had walked away in anger (even if it hadn’t been aimed at Luca), failing to even acknowledge Luca’s pleas, Nix had watched that stronghold waver just for a second, and it had been even worse in the gym. Luca’s chosen shield against the hard things in life had turned into one of those hard things himself when Gideon had not allowed himself the comfort he sorely needed.
Nix might be new to this family and their dynamic, but he knew soulmates when he saw them. There’s a pain in his chest, like a sharp, pointy finger jabbing under his breastbone, and it’s Gideon and Luca combined there—all he needs is their bites in return to connect with them.
AlphaBetaOmega, as the Goddess had divined.
He hasn’t any idea how he knows that, but his wolf enthusiastically agrees, with reminders of his own claims and the memory of the moon and that starlit waterfall and lagoon.
Deciding he’ll give them until tomorrow to get it together, he hears his text notification tone, and when he checks, it’s Erin just confirming if she has his consent to speak with Mr. Costas and his mates.
He texts back and agrees, wondering if he should be there to hash it all out. He trusts them to come up with a plan, and Nix decides he’ll allow himself this selfishness and let the professionals do what they do best without him—at least until tomorrow.
Nix climbs off of bed and heads into the shower, adding the amazing hot water and pressure to his list of things he’s grateful for today. Along with the soft yellow towels that still top the list—even though they don’t smell like pack—and this soft bed with its warm blankets, and the safety he finally feels when he closes his eyes.
Yes, tomorrow he’ll make sure they’re okay and check with Jamie about the plan. Then he lets sleep gently take him.
***
It’s cold in the closet, and Dawson has taken the blanket away for a slight that Nix has blocked out. His shivers of cold cause the muscles in his belly to clench, and they remind him it is sore because the rice he’d been given to eat tonight had been a week old.
After throwing it up over and over, he’d been on the toilet for even longer. But it had taken away the hunger pains for an hour, and that reprieve had been a relief. Even knowing the consequences, he would do it again, just so he didn’t have to feel that gnawing agony for a little while.
He has just settled into a light sleep, arms tucked inside his shirt for warmth, knees drawn up to quiet the tearing ache in his behind when the closet door flings open, and a warm body is shoved into the pitch black, crashing straight onto him.
Nix’s arms can’t catch him in time, and he lands hard.
“Austin, I brought you a present. Don’t get too attached. I’ll be back before long to make sure he’s sorry he came looking for you.”
Nix knows right away by the scent that it’s Luca. His baby. He can’t remember why Luca isn’t with the pack anymore, but it’s enough that he should be terrified.
“Baby, why are you here? Where is Gideon? You shouldn’t have come. Dawson will hurt you,” he whispers.
“I had to come, Nix. I missed you. I’m scared, though. Can we leave? I want us to go home.” There is a note of fear in Luca’s voice he’s never heard before, and it makes his nausea return in full force.
Nix holds it back the best he can and tries to sound reassuring. “Let’s wait a few minutes to be sure he’s gone, and then I’ll get you out of here.”
Nix begins to count off the seconds like he usually does when he’s trying to give Dawson enough time to go. Nix does not want to distract him from his departure—delays mean pain.
“Nix. Nix. Let’s go, come on—if we go now, we can be home in time for dinner—Nix.” Luca’s voice is fading in and out, and it’s even more panicked than before.
It hasn’t been very long in his cycle of counting, but he has lost track of time…and dinner sounds good. Seeing his mates sounds good. Maybe they can both get away before Dawson comes back. “Okay.”
When they slide open the door, though, Dawson is waiting just outside. He shouts, just to scare them even more, and grabs Luca so hard that his mocha scent floods the room. It smells so desperate, so scared that this time, Nix throws up in response.
But he can’t let Dawson take Luca.
Not when Luca is calling his name, reaching for him.
“Come on, baby. Come back to me.”
Nix tries, holding out his arms for Luca to grab, but he can’t reach him.
Dawson has tied his legs to the floor again, and if he can’t move them, he can’t save Luca.
All he hears are Luca’s wails and Dawson’s laughter. “You couldn’t protect your pretty little beta. He’s mine now. Isn’t he delicious? You’ll be so sorry you ever thought you could get away from me, you useless cunt.”
It’s Luca’s screams of fear that break him wide open.
A flood of rage rushes through him, and he knows—he isn’t just Nix anymore.
He is the wolf.
Sharp fangs. Claws. Hunger for vengeance.
He tears at his restraints until they cry out and let go.
He turns, sinking his fangs into Dawson’s arm, intent on ripping the limb from his shoulder, shaking and growling.
He will make Dawson sorry.
Sorry he took Luca.
Sorry he thought he could touch Nix’s mates.
The wolf will make him pay—in pain and blood.
Dawson lets go suddenly, and it’s the opening the wolf has been waiting for. He rolls to his feet off the side of the bed and falls with the momentum. There’s pain because he has cut himself in an effort to escape the ties, but the pain won’t stop him. The wolf will get Luca back.
Where is Luca? “Luca!”
“Phoenix, you are safe. Wake up!” The Voice vibrates inside his skull, reverberating and bouncing around so loudly that Nix’s wolf is incensed—he growls menacingly.
Then he hears the words wake up . Is he sleeping?
“Wake up, baby. Wake up. I’m okay. Please, open your eyes.” Luca wants him to wake up, so he will.
Is he back in the closet? Has he been asleep?
“Luca?” Nix jerks when he’s finally awake. He’s alone on the floor, and Luca is being held back by Gideon, whose arms are bleeding onto the rug near the bed. The pretty white rug that Grayson picked out. Nix is sad about the ruined white rug.
Blood is terrible to get out.
He would know.
With another full-body shudder, he bends over and vomits onto the floor. Nix is surprised to see his rice from dinner, and for a second, he is back in that nightmare closet, cold and hurting from food poisoning and terrified for Luca. The scent of his fear is adding to his nausea, and it’s all he can do to hold back another bout of painful retching.
It doesn’t stop Luca from throwing his arms around him, though, heedless of his still-sharp claws and the overwhelming odor of vomit and terror—the scents are surprisingly similar. If he buries his nose in his mate’s warm throat, maybe it will all fade away.
There’s a groan, and Nix checks to see Jamie cautiously shifting from where he’s kneeling on the bed. As he turns his head, he spots Grayson standing defensively in the doorway, ready to stop him from leaving.
“Wh-What happened?”
“Baby, you had a nightmare.” Luca is so gentle and uses his t-shirt to wipe Nix’s chin like Nix is his actual baby.
Nix wants someone to open the window or turn on the fan because the mixture of scared-angry scents from his mates is setting his stomach and his wolf off, but he can’t find the words to ask.
In the following silence, and despite the tremors shaking his limbs and the cramping in his belly, he is relieved that no one asks him what the nightmare was about and grateful he doesn’t have to lie.
Because what would he say?
His mates already know that anything that comes for him in his dreams has nothing on reality.
Gideon, especially, is still watching him closely, as if he needs to be ready for whatever Nix might do next. But there’s concern in his gaze, softened by a small, encouraging smile.
He’s bleeding from long gouges in his forearms, and Grayson returns with an old towel and a wet cloth, smelling like a garden fire.
With a kiss on Nix’s head, Grayson hands the cloth to Luca, who busies himself washing Nix’s face.
Grayson urges Gideon onto the edge of the bed and sets about cleaning Gideon’s arms.
“Did I do that?” He whispers, horrified that he’d hurt his mate.
“It’s okay, kitten. I was holding you down so you didn’t hurt yourself, and you did not appreciate my efforts. They’re already closing up, no worries.” It’s a lie and a well-intentioned one, but at least his scent is level and rainwater-serene as he carefully regulates it.
“I’m sorry. I would ne–never hurt you on purpose.” He is suddenly so cold, and the tremors rattle his bones.
What if he’d really hurt someone? Hadn’t he just shown them all how strong he is? Fuck.
“We know you wouldn’t, Angel. Jay, let me see your arm, please.” Grayson is using the other end of Gideon’s towel to clean the blood off Jamie’s arm. “I think Finn needs to give this a few stitches, I’m sorry. It’s beyond my skills.”
“It’ll heal up in no time, pretty, just wrap it in the towel, please.”
The bite is vicious and deep—Nix can see it from where he’s sitting slumped against Luca, and when Grayson wraps it, Jamie flinches.
“Fucking hell, Jamie. I could have taken your arm off—I wanted to take your arm off. Jesus.” Not Jamie’s arm–Hayes’s. He can still taste the tang of blood underneath the lingering taste of vomit.
Naked, muscular arms circle him as Jamie sits behind him, whispering, “This okay, baby boy?” and the heat of him sinks right past the cold into his bones.
“Very much, yes. I’m so sorry for hurting you. It got so muddled in my head. I’m sorry.” Jamie noses along his neck, licking his bite mark. It’s beyond comforting. “I’m sorry for scaring you, too.”
Nix’s nose burns with his own guilty scent, his deep voice gravelly from the growling and the stomach acid.
“Not scared of you, baby. Don’t be silly. It was just a bad dream. It’s all good now. Pfft.” Luca is still trembling, betraying his words.
“You’re still shaking. Don’t lie to me. Truth only, please. Now, please, tell me what happened?”
“If you’re sure? Gideon and I were sleeping—” At Nix’s raised eyebrow, he amends, “Sort of. And then we heard you call for me. We were next door because my sheets were mostly clean-ish—but that’s not the point. When we got here, you were…upset.”
Nix remembers the dream. The loneliness, the hunger, and then the fear for Luca. The terror that Hayes had sunk his claws into Luca in all the vile ways he knows how, and then the wolf’s rage. But it’s the terror that remains, and upset doesn’t begin to cover it.
Nix’s default level of emotion has been set to high alert for so long that when every other emotion is cleared away, it’s only the fear that remains.
“What Luca means, kitten, is that you were terrified—and then you were terrifying when Grayson burst in. Then you were fangs-out, fighting for Luca. You were thrashing so hard I was worried you might break something. You ended up cutting your cheek with a claw and had started on your legs, so I restrained you—which went about as well as we should have expected.”
Nix slides a finger over the sting on his cheek, just now noticing it.
“And Jamie?”
Gideon sighs. “You were growling and hissing, and Jay pissed you off. It’s not your fault. Night terrors can be full mind-body experiences. We should have known better than to get in your way. We only made it worse. Next time, we’ll…”
Next time ? Nix sure as hell hopes there isn’t a next time.
Grayson returns with another clean cloth and a bit of petroleum jelly. “Here, Angel, let me see your face.” His fingers are whisper-soft, and the gentle touch, combined with Jamie’s licks on his neck, is helping soothe the wolf’s agitation.
“You okay, Gray?” Grayson is shaking slightly. Nix grabs his wrist and kisses those soft fingers.
“I will be. The jelly will keep it moist until it heals up. I’ll do your legs next.”
Detangling himself to let Grayson work, Jamie heads into the bathroom, only to return with paper towels, cleaner, and a plastic bag. He makes quick work of the mess on the floor, and the clean scent of lavender is a welcome reprieve.
When he returns, he is quick to settle back in behind Nix and Luca. The beta has rested his head on Nix’s lap, with his nose pressed into his navel under his shirt with gentle licks and huffs.
“I’m sorry for waking you all up or interrupting whatever. I haven’t had one of those in a long time.”
Jamie runs his hand through Nix’s hair and scratches his scalp. “Baby boy, there is no apology necessary.”
There’s a loud commotion at the door, and Leo appears, trying to hold back Rowan.
The alpha’s wild hair is standing up in every direction, and his spiced rum scent is overpowering.
“Can we come in now? Rowan is like a freaking bull out here. He’s just dragged me and Finn from the left-wing like a tractor pull.”
“Leo, you have never even seen a tractor pull,” Finn teases as Leo finally lets Rowan in so he can push Jamie gently aside to get to his own mark.
Finn checks Nix’s face and legs with a critical eye. “You’ll put me out of a job, Gray. Good work.”
“I could have! I travel. I could know about tractors.” Leo drops to the floor beside them and runs his hand through Nix’s sweaty hair, then noses his shoulder.
“ Sure , I believe you,” Nix snorts. “But I’m sorry I woke you up, too.”
“You were scared, and if you’re fucking scared, you can wake us up any time. You can, even if you’re not scared. But did you wake up on your own? I’ve heard you’re not supposed to wake people up abruptly when they’re having a nightmare,” Leo says.
“Jay had to use Alpha-Voice. I think that’s what did it.” The words are muffled by Luca’s location under Nix’s shirt.
“Was that Alpha-Voice? The weird vibrating thing in my skull? It just pissed my wolf off. It was Luca that got me to wake up.”
There are varying expressions ranging from surprise, skepticism, and then heart-eyes personified peering up from his lap.
“I’m sorry I used it on you, Nix—after I promised you I never would, I went and did it, anyway.”
With so much guilt, Nix wonders how Jamie moves through life with it pressing down on him.
“You were trying to save me, Jamie. I can’t be mad about that. It’s okay, but I don’t think it works, and since it just provokes my wolf, maybe we shouldn’t next time.”
“I promise.”
No one comments on his reference to his wolf, and that’s a relief because Nix isn’t sure he would have an explanation, anyway.
Nix’s insistence that it was Luca who woke him is enough to get Luca up and out from under his shirt. “Oh yeah, of course it was me. It’s our deep, deep, deeeeeep connection. We’re like twins, so we have that bond, right baby?” He sticks his tongue out at Rowan, who then just pulls the neckline of Nix’s t-shirt aside and points so Luca can get a good look at Rowan’s bond mark.
Luca blows a raspberry and then pulls Nix into his side, only to have Rowan pull him back, and in a flash, Nix is the prize in a tug-o-war. Jamie just hangs on, making sure they both don’t get bowled over in the tussle.
“Hey, quit it, you two. Nix, how are you feeling now?” Thank goodness for Finn. How is he feeling? His legs burn with fatigue, and his throat burns a bit. But it’s the pressure behind his eyes signaling tears he won’t shed that makes Nix feel the worst.
He doesn’t want to lie to Finn, either, but Nix feels like he’s been asked that question so often that he should always be fine even when he isn’t.
And he really isn’t.
“I’m shaken, but I’ll be fine. I am suddenly exhausted, though.” Nix gives his clingy mates a nudge and then rises to his feet to finally get a look at his mattress and blankets. “Oh, fuck me. Shit, I promised to keep them nice and look! I’ve ruined the whole thing.”
The bloody sheets had been torn to shreds in some places, as had the duvet—the fine filler was sprinkled like snow over the remains of the mattress and the floor. He’s just noticed that Gideon, Luca, and Jamie are covered, too.
Wait.
Taking both hands, Nix shakes them through his hair, and he’s surrounded by a cloud of white fluff. Shit. Now, he needs both another shower and a new place to sleep.
“Come on, baby, let’s go shower in my room, and then we can all sleep in the nest. You coming, Gideon?” Luca grabs Nix’s hand and just pulls him along toward his room next door.
“Night! Love you!” Nix yells as he’s hauled out the door.
Nix just hears Rowan bellowing, “Hey! Maybe he wants to shower in my room. Hey! Bring him back here!”