Book People

Chapter Twenty-five

You know I can’t leave, H. Where would I go? And what will everyone in the village think? I would lose the teashop and that’s the only thing apart from you that keeps me sane.

C

KATE

Jasper and I come out of the hall and into the gravelled car park outside. Most of the people who attended Lisa’s session have gone, with only a few stragglers left, standing by the parked cars and chatting.

The session turned out wonderfully. I was hoping that no one would pick up on the tension between Sebastian and me, and no one did. Thank God. Or, if they did, no one said anything.

Jasper waited for me afterwards, as I asked him to, and now he wants to resume our little chat at the pub, though I’m trying to decide if it’s better to break the news again to him there, so he can drown his sorrows, or tell him now and get it over and done with. Not that I care about his feelings; he never cared about mine.

He hasn’t changed. That much I do know, because if he had, he’d never have arrived unannounced. He’d have texted me or rung me or something, and he wouldn’t have said he wanted to ‘fix’ things. He would have said he was sorry for the hurt he’d caused and that he’d understand if I wanted nothing more to do with him.

But he didn’t. He turned up out of the blue, telling me he’d changed, that he loved me, that he wanted me back, thinking that I’d drop everything and throw myself into his arms.

That’s not happening in my lifetime and I know that now, because his presence has crystallised something for me, something I hadn’t wanted to face.

It’s not him I’m afraid of and it never was. He’s a weak, petty, selfish narcissist and he was never any danger to me.

It was myself I was afraid of. Afraid that I was weak, that I was stupid, that I was somehow complicit in the way Jasper treated me. That my emotions were weaknesses that he could use against me, and even that I deserved it somehow. But I didn’t. No one deserves to be treated that way.

When I got here, I thought I was done with men for good, but, as it turns out, I’m not as done as I thought.

There is one man I’m not done with and I’m not sure I ever will be.

A man who is the opposite of Jasper in just about every way.

A good man, no matter what he thinks about himself. A caring man. A passionate man. A man who might be aloof and reserved, a bit arrogant and a touch grumpy, but who has his heart in the right place.

He’s honest, always says exactly what he means, and even if he lies to himself sometimes, he doesn’t run me down or build himself up at my expense. He doesn’t make me feel as if I’m broken in some way or that everything I do is wrong.

He doesn’t make me doubt myself.

I always thought I loved Jasper and he loved me, but that’s not what love is, and I know that now.

Because now I’ve fallen in love with Sebastian Blackwood and I know better. He builds me up, while Jasper only pulled me down. He gave me back the pieces of myself that Jasper took. He makes me glad to be the person I am, not afraid. Not ashamed or embarrassed or guilty.

He told me the problem wasn’t me, that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and he made me believe it.

I would have loved him for that alone.

I don’t know if telling him how I feel is the right thing to do, because telling him will change things between us, and those words, once spoken, cannot be unsaid.

But one thing I’m sure of right now is that I don’t need to be afraid of myself or the love that I feel. I’m stronger than that. I’m strong enough to see Jasper for who he really is, strong enough to walk away, and now I know that I’m strong enough to tell him I will never – ever – go back.

‘A drink, Kate?’ Jasper asks, and then, teasing a little, ‘Or do they not have the prosecco you like?’

Prosecco. I never liked prosecco. Jasper told me that’s what I liked and so that’s what I told myself too. I did everything he told me, because I was insecure. Because all my life I’ve never known who I was or where I belonged, and so I needed someone to tell me.

But I don’t need that, not any more.

I know who I am and I know where I belong.

I had a dream when I came here, but I wasn’t sure if I could achieve it, yet I did. I have my bookshop and, even though it’s early days, it’s going great, and I’m making friends with people in the village. I’m even finding out what I can of my own family history.

I’m in the building my great-grandmother owned and I’m running a business, just as she did. And I’m also in love with the bookseller across the road. But, like the first Kate Jones, I had an emotionally abusive partner.

She had a child, the first Kate, so that’s why she couldn’t be with the man she loved, but I don’t. She called herself a coward, but I don’t think she was. She was brave to stay for her daughter’s sake.

But I do need to find some of her bravery for myself, because I think I need to talk to that bookseller across the road. I actually think I need to tell him how I feel. I don’t want my life to end the way hers did, with a box of unsent letters and a broken heart.

He might not feel the way I do, and I’ll have to deal with that if he doesn’t, but I can’t not say anything. I can’t get myself stuck in the same pattern I was in with Jasper, too afraid to push.

This boat I need to rock is my own. And maybe that’ll involve me getting tipped out and getting wet, but I have to take the chance.

I have to. For me.

‘I’m not into prosecco,’ I say to Jasper. ‘I never was. I prefer scotch and the Arms doesn’t have the Islay malt I like.’

He gives that laugh I know so well, the one he always gives when he thinks I’ve said something silly that needs correcting. ‘No, you don’t. You like prosecco, the sweet kind. That’s what you always have.’

In the past when he said stuff like this, I laughed too and gave in. I never wanted to make a fuss over a drink. But now I give him one of Sebastian’s own gimlet stares. And I don’t laugh.

‘No, Jasper,’ I say very calmly, and with a certain amount of condescension, as if I’m talking to a child. ‘I hated prosecco. I only drank it because you told me I should and I was too insecure to disagree. But I’m not now. I’m a different person and I have a different life, and I don’t love you. I never did. And I don’t want to “fix things”. You haven’t changed. You’re still the same self-centred narcissist you always were, and even if by some miracle you’d actually become a better person, I still wouldn’t go anywhere with you.’

He frowns as the words penetrate and temper flashes in his eyes – he’s never liked being denied. ‘Kate, I went to therapy, for God’s sake. I worked on myself. I made myself a better man for you.’

‘Right. So you’re only here to make your therapy sessions worthwhile.’

‘No, that’s not what I said.’ He smiles, but it’s tight, impatient. It’s the one he always used when he thought I was being obtuse. ‘I did all this work for you and made a special trip to come here. I had to rearrange my schedule. The least you can do is consider it.’

Of course. It’s all about him, just as it always is.

I stare at him, putting all of Sebastian’s trademark chill into my gaze. ‘No, Jasper.’

He mutters a curse and steps towards me. ‘Come on, one drink. Just one. Let me try and convince—’

‘She said no.’

Sebastian’s voice is hard and cold, and both Jasper and I turn.

He’s standing behind me and how he got there without either Jasper or me hearing him, I have no idea, but he did. Now he’s got Jasper in his sights, and I can see we’re heading for another stand-off.

‘None of your business, mate,’ Jasper says. ‘You’re not her boyfriend.’

I open my mouth to tell him that Sebastian is my casual lover, but Sebastian gets in first. ‘Actually,’ he says, ‘as a matter of fact, I am.’

For a second I’m so surprised I can’t think of a word to say.

‘Is this true?’ Jasper looks accusingly at me.

‘Yes.’ Shock drags the word out of me. ‘It’s true.’

Sebastian comes up beside me and I think he’s going to stop there, but he doesn’t. He strides past and straight up to Jasper, and before I can say a word, his arm goes back and he punches Jasper full in the face.

Jasper drops like a stone, going to his knees, his hands over his nose. ‘What the fuck?’ he demands in a thick voice. ‘I’ll fucking bring charges.’

‘No, you won’t.’ Sebastian stands over him like an angel of God. ‘You’re going to go back to London and you’ll never bother Kate again. Because if I ever see your face in my village, I’ll kick you straight into the river.’

I don’t need a man to defend me and I don’t condone violence. But seriously? Jasper deserved that punch and Sebastian has saved me the bother, and you know what? It’s nice to be defended. It’s nice to have someone stand up for me, because I’ve been doing it by myself for four years and I’m tired of it.

‘Kate,’ Jasper says hoarsely, still clutching his nose. ‘You can’t let him—’

‘Sorry,’ I say, coming to stand beside Sebastian, looking down at my sad excuse for an ex. ‘I can’t control what Sebastian does. And you’d better listen to him, because being kicked into the river is mild in comparison to what I’ll do to you if I ever catch you here again.’

Jasper stares up at us both then scrambles to his feet.

‘Oh, and Jasper?’ I say, sliding in the knife. ‘Even if I hadn’t met Sebastian, I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever see you again.’

Sebastian slides a possessive arm around my waist, pulling me against him. ‘You heard the lady,’ he says to Jasper, his voice dripping with ice. ‘Run along now, there’s a good chap.’

Jasper eyes him for a long minute, spits blood ostentatiously onto the ground, then turns on his heel and walks away in the direction of the Arms.

As soon as he’s gone, I turn and look up at Sebastian ‘That was very satisfying,’ I say. ‘Thank you.’

His gaze is sharp, intense. ‘That arsehole’s lucky he only escaped with a punch. Sorry if I beat you to it.’

He’s not sorry, I can see that, and neither am I. ‘It’s okay. You’re stronger than I am, so it’ll probably hurt him more.’

Sebastian raises a hand and his fingers brush my cheek with a fleeting touch. ‘Are you okay? Did he hurt you?’

I turn my cheek against his fingers, unable to help myself. ‘No. I didn’t let him.’

His hand drops, an expression I can’t read in his eyes. ‘Kate,’ he says softly. ‘We need to talk.’

I already know what he’s going to say. It’s there in his eyes, in that look I can’t read, in his arm around me, slowly losing tension and slipping away. In the distance that wasn’t there before that is now suddenly appearing between us.

I could stay quiet. I could let him say the words that are going to break my heart, but I decide to speak first. I let Jasper dictate my own feelings to me. I let him twist them, turn them into weapons to use against me. I let him make me feel as if the problem was me, when it never was.

Sebastian told me I didn’t deserve that and it’s true, I didn’t. I don’t deserve what he’s going to tell me now, either, but that’s his choice. His problem. It’s not mine. So I’m going to tell him what’s in my heart. I’m going to take charge by being vulnerable, by opening myself up. I’m going to be brave and let him know how I feel and, if nothing else, I’ll always have that. And so will he.

‘Kate,’ he says.

‘Sebastian,’ I say at the same time.

He inclines his head, because, at his heart, he is a gentleman. ‘You first.’

I put steel in my spine, and my heart is in my eyes as I meet his gaze head-on. ‘I don’t feel casual about you, Sebastian,’ I say, putting everything I’m feeling into my voice as well. ‘I never have. I thought I hated you at first, probably about as much as I wanted you, which was a lot. And then . . . I began to realise that it wasn’t hate that I felt. You got under my skin with your passion for books and your honesty and your willingness to bend when I know you didn’t want to. With the way you looked at me, the way you saw me. You got under my skin in a way no one ever has.’

The expression in his eyes has changed, turning into that electric blue that I love, and his hands have curled into fists at his side. The lines of his face have gone taut. They’re not welcome, these words, but I already knew that. And I’m not upset that I said them, I’m not ashamed. I think, for the first time in a long time, I feel as though I’m being honest, as though the weight of those unspoken words has been sitting inside me all this time, and now I’ve said them, I’m lighter.

Now I’ve said them, I’m free.

‘Kate . . .’ he says again, so much regret in the word.

‘I knew I was falling for you,’ I go on, speaking my truth. ‘The danger was always there, and now it’s happened. I did fall for you.’ I take a breath and it feels as if it’s the first one, my chest expanding, my lungs filling with air. ‘And there’s nothing casual about it. I fell all the way in love with you.’

A muscle flicks in his jaw and he gives me the grace of his attention, not looking away as I say the words, even though I know he must be dying to. He doesn’t speak.

We’re standing close, facing each other like cowboys ready for a gunfight, and I’m the one who shot first. And I missed, I know I did.

For a second, though, I allow myself to think that maybe I didn’t. That I hit my target and that he’s going to surrender to me. That he’s going to tell me he loves me too and all he wants is for us to be together.

A vain hope.

Sebastian draws his weapon and shoots.

Clean through the heart.

‘I’m sorry, Miss Jones,’ Sebastian says. ‘Love is the one thing I can’t do. Not with you.’