11. Yelena
Chapter 11
Yelena
“ N o!” I scream, lunging for the button that will open the elevator doors and bring me back to Val. “Let me go!”
“You know I can’t do that,” Feliks says, keeping an arm around my waist and refusing to budge.
“Yelena! Are you there? What’s going on?”
My dad’s voice is faint. I don’t remember dropping my arm, but nothing makes sense right now, and I’m having a hard time breathing.
“Val.” I sob his name as my knees grow weak, and before I can collapse to the floor, Feliks is lifting me up and cradling me in his arms. He’s been watching over me since I was a baby, and I’ve always been grateful to him, but right now I just feel betrayed by someone I trust. The rational part of my mind knows he did exactly what he’s trained to do, but all I can think is that he stopped me from saving Val.
Taking my phone from my limp hand, he says, “Matvey, she’s fine. I have her. We’re on our way back up to your apartment.” After a brief pause, he says, “No, he’s not with us. He ran into the parking garage to help Max.”
Another sob rips from my throat. I know the kind of danger Val just ran into. I saw the men and the guns and I heard the gunfire. They’re outnumbered, and I saw at least one of our men on the ground. I don’t need anyone to tell me that the odds aren’t good, and the thought of Val being hurt, of him being killed, hurts me in a way that I hadn’t thought possible.
“Yes, sir,” I hear Feliks say, and then he adds, “No one will leave the apartment. You have my word.”
Adjusting me in his arms, he holds the phone to my ear, but I’m barely aware of what’s going on around me. Every part of me is still in the parking garage with Val.
“Yelena,” my dad’s voice is steady and confident, a sense of safety in this nightmare, and my instinct is to cling to it, because if anyone can make this better, if anyone can bring Val back to me, it’s him.
“I’m here.” My voice is shaky and barely more than a whisper, but he hears me.
“Feliks is taking you back to your mom and brother. I’m on my way to you. I just need you to stay there. Don’t fight him on this.”
“Dad,” I start to say, but it’s the only word I can manage.
He seems to know what I’m trying to say, though, because he quickly says, “It’s going to be okay, honey. Val’s trained for this. He’s going to be okay.”
I know he’s trying to make me feel better and to try and keep me calm, but it’s not helping, because for the first time in my life, I don’t believe what my dad is telling me. He didn’t see what I just saw. He doesn’t know how outnumbered they are. He didn’t see the look in Val’s eyes when he touched my cheek and told me he loved me before he turned his back on me. I know what I saw in those familiar blue eyes. I’ve never seen Val look at me like that before, like he was saying goodbye, like he didn’t think he’d ever see me again.
My chest aches and my lungs feel too tight. I don’t know if my dad’s hung up or if I ended the call. My fingers are clutching the phone, but it’s lying useless on my lap. Feliks doesn’t set me down when the doors open. He’s not willing to risk me passing out, and I can’t say I blame him. I don’t trust myself to stand right now, and when he races down the hall before stopping in front of our door, he doesn’t waste any time. Kicking his foot against the door, he yells my mom’s name. When the door swings open, it’s my brother who’s standing there, my mom right behind him with a scared-to-death look on her face.
I meet my brother’s eyes and start crying again. “Ev,” I start to say and then Feliks is transferring me over to him before he quickly shuts and locks the door.
“We’re under attack,” Feliks tells my mom. “Your husband is on his way.”
My mom runs her hands over me, terrified that I’ve been hurt while my brother says, “What happened? Where’s Val?”
My heart aches painfully at the mention of Val’s name as Feliks says, “They attacked us in the parking garage. Val ran out to help Max and told me to take Yelena upstairs.”
I feel my brother tense, and I clutch at his neck because I know what he’s about to say before the words are even out of his mouth.
“Let’s go. We can help them,” he says, already setting me down on the couch so he can reach for his gun.
Feliks holds up his hand to stop him. “No. My orders are to keep you three here.”
Evgeny points towards the door. “They’re under attack, and we can help.”
Feliks shakes his head, refusing to budge. “We stay here.”
“Why not?” I’ve never seen my brother so pissed before. He steps closer to Feliks, one hand in a tight fist while the other grips his gun, anger radiating off him so strongly I can feel it from where I’m sitting. “This is my family, my Bratva, and I’m not going to just sit up here while they’re down there fighting.”
“Yes, you are,” Feliks tells him. “With all due respect, Evgeny, you’re not a member yet, and your dad will fucking kill me if I let any of you out of this apartment. There’s no guarantee that we can help them. What if we go down there and there are so many that they overpower us and then come up here to get your mom and sister? You know the rules. When there’s an attack, the family comes first.”
Feliks reaches out and squeezes my brother’s shoulder. “I know it’s hard, but it’s the way it is. We stay here, we guard your mom and sister, and we wait.”
“Honey, are you okay?”
I turn to look at my mom. She’s kneeling in front of me, brushing back the hair that’s fallen in my face. Her eyes study mine, and I can tell by the worry etched all over her face that she doesn’t like what she sees. Rasputin whines from his position beside her. He knows something is wrong. His amber eyes dart from my mom to me before he nudges his nose against my hand, letting out another soft whine.
“He left me,” I whisper, running my fingers through Raspy’s thick fur. “Mom, he left me and ran back out there. I could hear them shooting at one another.”
Tears keep falling, and I’m too upset to brush them away. All I can think about is Val and the danger he’s in right now. Somewhere beneath us he could be dying. He could be taking his last breath right this very second, and once that thought is in my head, I can’t shake it. My mom hugs me when I fall apart again, wrapping her arms around me and kissing the top of my head like she used to do when I was little.
“Everything Val did is because he loves you, honey. I know you’re scared, but we’re going to get through this. No matter what happens, we’ll get through it.”
I shake my head, because she’s wrong. I won’t get through it. Val’s death will destroy me. There won’t be any getting through it. I won’t survive without him.
“You will,” she tells me like she can hear every thought I’m thinking. “You will because you have to.” She kisses my head again and pats my back. “You will because your baby needs you and because Val needs you to be strong right now.”
I wrap my arms around my stomach, knowing I need to calm down but not knowing how I can possibly accomplish such an impossible feat. “What if I can’t?” I whisper while looking around at the living room I married Val in less than four days ago. “I feel like I can’t breathe, Mom.”
“I know. I’m so sorry, baby.” She murmurs the words against my hair. “I’m so sorry.”
My brother sits down beside us, resigned to the fact that he won’t be allowed to go down and help. His gun rests on his thigh, though, hand wrapped around the grip with one long finger extended along the trigger guard. He’s had way too much training to rest his finger on the trigger, even with the safety on, but I know it would only take a second for him to curl his finger and squeeze off a round if he needed to. My brother may not be a full-fledged member of the Bratva, but I don’t doubt his devotion to it or his willingness to die to protect us. I reach out and grip his forearm, needing to feel my family around me. He puts his hand over mine, squeezing it tightly in a silent show of support.
I may have been brought up in a Bratva family, but that doesn’t mean I’m used to things like this. My dad and uncles have always been careful to shield their wives and kids from the dangers of this lifestyle as much as possible. They never wanted any of it to touch us, but that doesn’t mean it always works out that way. So far, I’ve managed to remain unscathed by it, but today has shoved me head first into my worst nightmare, and I can’t pretend that I’m handling it well. Val has always been right next to me, protecting me, and now he’s not here and I need to be strong for him, I know I do, but at the moment I can’t seem to manage it.
When we hear the door open, Raspy lifts his head while my brother jumps to his feet. Feliks looks down the hall and nods.
“Dad,” Evgeny says, rushing over to him as my dad wraps him in a quick hug. He says something to him that’s too low for me to hear before he crosses the distance and wraps his arms around me and my mom.
“Are you okay?” My dad cups my face, running his eyes over me to assure himself that I wasn’t hurt. When he’s satisfied I’m unharmed, he brings his eyes back to mine. “I’m so sorry.”
I know there’s a lifetime of pain behind those words. He and my mom never wanted my brother and me to ever have to experience the kind of pain that they went through, and now it’s landed right in our laps.
“Where’s Val?”
My dad’s dark eyes briefly leave mine to meet my mom’s before he looks back at me, and when he hesitates, my eyes fill with tears and my lungs suddenly become too small.
“Is he—” I start to ask the question but fail to finish it.
My dad quickly grabs my hands in his and says, “No, he’s alive, Yel.”
The relief I feel is short lived when he adds, “They took him. They took Max and Val, but we’re going to get them back.” He reaches up and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Do you hear me? We’re going to find them and get them back.”
“Who did it? Who took them?” I search his face for answers that I know he’s not willing to give.
“We’re going to find out, and we’re going to make them pay.” He squeezes my hand while I sink in on myself again, wanting nothing more than to go back to bed so I can wake up from this horrible nightmare, because that has to be what this is. Val and I did not wait our entire lives to be married just so he could be taken from me. That’s not how our story is going to end. I refuse to accept that fate for us, but just because I refuse to accept it doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen.
My heart breaks for my husband and my cousin, and soon my body is shaking so badly my teeth are chattering. When I can’t stop the sobs from racking my body, my mom and dad share a concerned look before my dad makes a call to Dominic. I hear him explain what’s going on before he says, “I need you to send Tony over here for Yelena, and I’m guessing Sveta will need him, too. My brothers are in the parking garage. We’ll meet you there.”
He hangs up and puts his focus back on me. “Yel, I want you to go lay down, okay? I need you to rest. Tony’s on his way so he can keep an eye on you.”
I start to shake my head no but stop when Raspy places his large head in my lap. He’s a smart dog. He knows when someone is upset, and he’s been trained to offer comfort when that happens.
“He can lay with you on the bed,” my mom suggests. When I hesitate, she adds, “Just for a little bit, Yel, please. It’ll be good for the baby if you can relax.”
I nod at the mention of our baby. If it were just me, I wouldn’t budge. I’d sit here until Val is rescued, probably refusing to eat or sleep until it happened, but I can’t do that now. I can’t do anything that might risk hurting the one part of Val that I still have with me.
“Okay,” I whisper. “I’ll lay down, but you have to promise you’ll tell me the second you learn something.”
My dad hugs me and kisses my head. “I promise I’ll keep you updated,” he says before picking me up and carrying me into my old bedroom, the one I thought I’d never be sleeping in again.
“That’s not exactly what I asked you to promise, Dad.”
He sets me down on the bed and tucks the covers around me. Raspy jumps up and curls his body next to mine, letting me feel the weight and comfort of his presence.
“I’ll tell you what you need to know, honey.” He leans down to kiss my forehead. “I swear to you that I will do everything I can to find him and bring him back to you.”
“What if they kill him?”
My voice cracks on the question, but instead of giving me a quick bullshit answer, my dad meets my eyes, willing me to believe him when he says, “If that’s what they wanted, then he’d already be dead, sweetheart. They want something from us. That’s why they’ve taken them.”
There are so many things I want to ask, but I’m not ready to hear the answers. My dad and uncles would do anything for their sons, but what if they can’t give what’s asked of them? I don’t want to hear that Val and Max might have to be sacrificed for the greater good.
“Stop worrying,” my dad tells me, easily reading the thoughts that are going through my head. “Your Uncle Danil and Niki will be able to find these bastards, and then we’re going to kill every single one of them for what they’ve just done. Focus on that, sweetheart, nothing else.”
My mom sits down on the bed beside me and hands me a glass of water. They both wait until I take a drink before my dad kisses my mom and leaves with my brother and Feliks to join the others in the parking garage.
“It’s going to be okay.” She whispers the words while keeping my hand cupped in hers. “Your dad and uncles and cousins will find them and bring them back. You know how good your Uncle Danil and Niki are with computers. If anyone can find Val and Max, it’s them.”
I squeeze her hand and whisper the words that are threatening to drive me insane. “It took them two years to find you, Mom, and you lived in the worst kind of hell every single day until they did. What if it takes them that long this time?”
“It won’t.” She grips my hand tighter and gives a soft shake of her head. “Danil has Niki to help him, and they know exactly who came here and took them. It’s not the same thing as what happened to me. They had no idea who took me, but as soon as they learned, it didn’t take them long to rescue me.”
When Raspy gives another low whine, my mom and I both reach out to pet him. My fingers sink into his thick fur, and I force myself to take a breath and then another and then another. Nothing feels right with Val gone, not even the simple act of breathing. Everything hurts, and there’s no escaping it. I have no choice but to endure it and to hope that it’ll be over soon. My mind constantly wanders to dark places, images of Val being beaten or worse, and every few seconds I have to force myself to stop. It’s a never-ending loop that doesn’t stop until Tony arrives, bringing a needle filled with something that he assures me won’t hurt the baby. I nod my consent and then let out a relieved sigh when it starts to pull me under, grateful for the escape. The last thing I want is to remain coherent right now. I want darkness. I want a blanket of nothingness to wash over me so I don’t have to feel this pain anymore.
When I wake, my hand reaches out for Val’s warm body. He’s usually snuggled up against me, but I must’ve rolled away in my sleep. My mind is still groggy and when my hand meets thick fur, it takes me a second to remember where I am and what’s going on, and when the memories hit me, I let out a pained groan and start to cry.
“It’s okay, Yelena. Everything’s going to be okay.”
I turn my head at the sound of Tony’s voice. He’s leaning over me, reaching out to check my pulse before putting a blood-pressure cuff on me. His dark hair is disheveled, and his glasses do nothing to hide the worried look in his eyes.
“You don’t know that,” I tell him. “You can’t possibly know that.”
He doesn’t say anything while he checks my vitals, and whatever he sees causes him to frown and furrow his brow.
“It’s very important that you try to relax, Yelena.”
“How long have I been asleep?”
He looks at his watch. “Eight hours.”
I start to sit up, but he rests a hand on my shoulder, gently keeping me in place. “You need to stay here and rest.”
“What’s going on? Have they found them?”
“I’m not sure what’s going on. I’ve been watching over you. I know Dominic and his men are here helping your family, and I know that no one will stop until they’re found.”
Tears fall from eyes, wetting my pillow but I don’t care enough to wipe them away. “It can’t be a good sign that they haven’t found them yet.”
“We don’t know what all they’ve found or haven’t found,” Tony reminds me. “You just need to focus on staying calm. You’re pregnant and you’re under an extreme amount of stress. Your blood pressure is too high and so is your heart rate. We need to get those to come down. I don’t want to give you another sedative if I can avoid it.”
I understand what he’s telling me, and I know how important it is for me to stay calm, but my body is no longer responding to me. It’s stuck on autopilot, keeping me in a state of anxiety that refuses to go away. Tony guides me through some breathing exercises and has me drink another glass of water while Rasputin keeps a steady watch over me, but nothing helps. When my mom comes back in, I immediately start asking her questions about what’s going on.
She comes to sit down on the edge of the bed, but I can tell by her expression that she’s not bringing me good news. “I haven’t heard anything yet. Your dad said they’re still going over the security cameras and hacking into CCTV footage.” She shares a look with Tony before she squeezes my arm and gives me a smile. “Just try to relax, honey. Everything is going to be fine.”
I try to do as everyone says, but after another hour of no change, Tony sighs and reaches for a syringe.
“I don’t want it,” I tell him. “I want to be awake when they find out where Val is.”
“Your blood pressure is still too high. If it doesn’t go down, I’m going to have to put you on medicine for hypertension. I’m trying to avoid that since I know this is purely stress related.” He rubs an alcohol wipe on my arm and gently inserts the needle. “I’m sorry, Yelena,” he says before injecting me with the fast-acting sedative. That same fuzzy feeling starts to take over. My limbs grow heavy, and for a few precious seconds, I stop worrying about everything, and then there’s nothing but darkness.
This time when I wake, I’m not given a few moments of relief. There’s no confusion, no possibility that Val is in bed next to me and I only need to stretch out my arm to feel his reassuring presence. This time I wake up with a sob, remembering everything with a clarity that borders on extreme cruelty. I can feel Feliks’s arm around me, holding me back from running out of the elevator, and I can see the love and pain in Val’s eyes before he turns away from me. It all washes over me, threatening to suffocate me with the force of it.
My mom is immediately at my side, wrapping me in a tight hug and whispering that she loves me.
“How did you do this?” I ask, the words coming out of me on a choked sob. “How did you survive being separated from Dad?”
I feel her body shake and know she’s crying, too, that her heart is breaking right along with mine.
“I don’t know,” she finally whispers. “I’m not going to lie to you, Yelena. I love you too much for that. The truth is I don’t know. I wanted to die, there were days that I begged for death, but my body just kept on going, whether I wanted it to or not. I knew your dad was okay, though, and there was a comfort in that. Everything bad that was happening was happening to me, and that made it easier to bear.”
She kisses my head, lifting up so I can see her. She looks exhausted and worried, and I know she spent the night watching over me.
“This isn’t going to be easy, and I would take it from you if I could, but I can’t. We’re just going to have to get through it because we have no other choice. Do you understand?”
I nod my head at my mom. The fierce determination in her blue-green eyes gives me a glimpse of the woman who survived two years of a brutal hell that’s beyond comprehending. She’s still that strong, fierce woman, but that part of her is so often hidden because my dad has made it his life’s mission to make sure she never has to depend solely on her own strength ever again. I know my mom as the happy, loving person who’s always so quick to smile and laugh. That’s what her life is like now. That’s what she’s created with my dad, but now she’s sharing her strength with me because she knows I desperately need it.
Wrapping my arms around her, I hug my mom and let her be my strength, because I can’t do this on my own. She holds me, whispering that everything is going to be okay until a wave of nausea has me pulling back and running to the bathroom. Déjà vu hits me hard as I lose what little food I had left in my stomach. Just yesterday morning, I was in this same position except Val was right here with me, holding my hair and patting my back while he told me over and over again how much he loves me. Memories of him kissing my stomach and whispering sweet words to our baby flood my mind as I cry and dry heave.
In seconds my mom is holding a cool cloth to my head and brushing back my hair, but it’s not the same. I want my husband, the man who’s been a constant presence in my life since I took my first breath, and I have no idea where he is or if he’s even still alive.
Exhausted, I rest my head on my arm, torn between wanting to scream and kick and rail at the world and wanting to beg Tony for another shot to make it all go away. I end up doing neither. Inertia takes over, and I do nothing. I stay slumped against the toilet, nauseous with my stomach and heart in knots, and I merely live. Despite everything, my heart keeps beating, my lungs keep filling with air, and I keep living. I understand what my mom meant now. The body keeps going on, even though my mind and heart have been broken.
I go through the motions of getting up and brushing my teeth, but I barely register any of it. When my mom gently leads me back to bed, I don’t argue. I get under the covers and mindlessly pet Rasputin, who’s decided it’s his duty to stand guard over me, and I drink the glass of water she brings me.
“Has Dad told you anything new?”
“They’re still trying to find them. He only came back briefly to check on you and then he left again. None of them will rest until they’re found.”
“How’s Sveta and Aunt Katya and Aunt Simona? God, they must be so scared.”
“They’re okay, or as okay as they can be. Tony’s over there now checking on Sveta. Vitya’s worried about her.” When she feels me start to tense, she quickly says, “You’re worrying enough as is, honey, try not to add to it. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you they’re all doing great. They’re not. Your Aunt Katya and Aunt Simona are worried sick about their sons, and Svetlana needed to be sedated as well. Although, I think that was more for Vitya’s benefit. I heard she went charging for the door, determined to rescue her brother and Vitya had to pick her up and force her into bed. Everyone is scared and worried, but there’s no changing that or taking it away. The only thing that’s going to end the pain and worry is Val and Max coming back to us.”
She tucks the covers around me and looks at her watch. “You haven’t eaten since yesterday. Do you think you could stomach something?”
There’s a dull ache in my stomach, but the thought of food makes me feel queasy again. I shake my head and she frowns at me.
“Honey, you have to eat. For the baby, if nothing else.”
My hand slips to my stomach, and the thought of our baby sends another stab of pain to my heart. I can’t fuck this up. Val and our baby are counting on me to be strong. I can’t lose this last piece of him that I have.
“I might be able to hold down some broth,” I say, and the relieved smile she gives me makes it clear I said the right thing.
“I’ll go make some now.”
I push back the covers to follow her, and when she tries to stop me, I say, “Mom, if I have to lay in this bed for one more second, I’m going to lose my mind. I need to get up and move around a bit or I’ll go stir crazy.”
“Okay, but you have to take it easy, and I want you back in bed if you start to feel sick again.”
“I will. I promise,” I tell her and then grab my phone and follow her into the kitchen while Rasputin keeps himself glued to my side. Sitting in one of the barstools, I check my phone and see all the texts from my cousins, asking me if I’m okay. We have a huge group chat, so I respond in there telling them all that I love them and I’m okay. It’s a lie. We all know it’s a lie, but I don’t know what else to say. I text Svetlana privately, but she doesn’t respond, probably because Tony’s sedative has taken effect. I envy the unconscious state she’s in, but I also don’t want to remain drugged if I can help it. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d be begging for it, but this isn’t just about me anymore.
Before I set my phone aside, I send a text to my brother, asking him for news. Within seconds I see the dots on my screen and my pulse skyrockets as I wait, hoping like hell he has something positive to tell me.
EV:
Are you okay? Mom said you had to be sedated.
I let out the breath I’d been holding, trying to hide my disappointment at the complete lack of news.
ME:
I’m fine. Stop ignoring my question. What’s going on?
EV:
There’s nothing really to tell. Uncle Danil and Niki are tracking the SUV that took them, but so far they haven’t had any luck. We’re going to find them, Yel. It’s just going to take some time.
ME:
How are Uncle Vitaly and Uncle Danil?
EV:
Not good. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Uncle Vitaly not cracking jokes and it’s unsettling to say the least. Neither one has slept or eaten anything since it happened. Niki refuses to take a break, and everyone is worried about you and the others. Aunt Simona nearly passed out when they told her what had happened, and Aunt Katya isn’t doing much better.
ME:
Is there anything I can do?
EV:
Yeah, you can take care of yourself and my future niece or nephew. We’re going to find them and bring them home, and when we do, Val will kick my ass if you and the baby aren’t in perfect condition.
I give a faint smile even as my eyes threaten to spill over again.
ME:
I love you, brother.
EV:
I love you too, sis. I’m here if you need me.
I put my phone away and turn to see my mom watching me. “Any news?”
“No,” I tell her. “Ev says they’re all working around the clock, but so far there’s nothing. I’m worried about Sveta and her mom and Aunt Simona. Do you think I could visit them?”
My mom digs around in the pantry, coming back out with her arms loaded with ingredients. She’s clearly planning on whipping up a pot of homemade chicken soup instead of heating up a single can of broth like I’d had in mind.
“Mom, you don’t have to do all this.”
She sets everything down on the counter and gives me the mom look. “You need to eat, and I’m not about to pop the top on a can of broth and hand you a straw, honey. Let me do this the right way. It’ll be ready for lunch, and while you wait you can work your way through this.” She hands me a blueberry bagel and turns to the fridge to grab some cream cheese. “This will at least put something in your stomach.”
I cut the bagel, knowing she’s right. I need to eat for our baby. I may not want anything, but the little life growing inside me does. While I spread the cream cheese, I ask, “What about visiting?”
She grabs the big soup pot and a cutting board before saying, “Your dad and the others think it’s best if everyone stays where they’re at right now. They need all the men focused on finding Val and Max, and if everyone is traveling around, then they’ll have to assign more of them to guard us.”
The last thing I want is to take men off the job, so I force down a bite of the bagel and say, “Will you let me know as soon as I can visit them or if there’s anything I can do from here to help?”
“I know exactly what you can do. You can rest and eat plenty of food for my grandbaby.” My mom can tell how frustrated I am by being constantly told to rest, so she stops cutting carrots to reach out and squeeze my hand. “I’ll talk to your dad and let you know as soon as it’s safe to go and see the others, okay?”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She gives me a smile and then goes back to chopping. I know she’s just as worried as I am and that preparing the soup is her way of taking care of me and also keeping herself busy so she doesn’t go crazy with worry. The anxious, restless feeling that hovers over me is threatening to drive me insane, and as soon as I finish the bagel, I grab another cutting board and get to work on the celery while she takes out the chicken.
The day passes slowly, and each passing minute makes it harder and harder to breathe. I keep waiting for my phone to ding or for my dad to come back and give us an update, but there’s just silence, and I can’t decide if that’s a good sign or a very bad one. I’ve heard the saying that no news is good news, but I’m not sure that applies to this situation. My mind wanders from one horrible scenario to the next, and when I keep pacing the floor, my mom finally forces me to sit down and put my feet up. She hands me a book, the remote for the TV, and then kisses my head before walking off to check on the soup.
In any other situation, I’d be thrilled to sit and read all day, but even the thought of doing it now makes me feel so sick with guilt that I worry I’m not going to be able to keep my bagel down. I can’t sit here and pretend like everything is okay. I wish I could distract myself with a good book or a movie, but I can’t, so I just sit and stare out the window instead while my mind threatens to eat me alive with one horrible imagined scenario after another.
When the soup is done, I force myself to eat a bowl, and then I go back to staring. Rasputin keeps me company while my mom does her best to distract me, but nothing can keep my fears at bay. They’re always there, gnawing away in the back of my mind, threatening to pull me under. Once I enter that dark place, I’m scared I won’t ever be able to leave.
Time passes, I’m not sure how, but eventually it’s the middle of the night and I’m back in bed, staring at the ceiling while Rasputin snores from beside me. The next few days pass in the same slow routine. There’s no news, no one knows where Val and Max are, and with each day that passes, a part of me dies. I try to stay hopeful. I’m still not allowed to visit anyone, but I text with Sveta, both of us convincing the other that her twin is safe and that they’ll both be found. I think that tiny shred of hope is the only thing that’s keeping us going. I’m not sure how much longer I can take of this, and on the seventh day, I get out of bed and gasp when a sudden sharp pain hits my stomach.
After this week of hell, I thought I knew what fear was, but when another pain hits me and I feel a sudden warmth between my legs, I realize how wrong I was. With shaky fingers I stretch my pajama bottoms out and look in my underwear.
“No,” I whisper when I see the dark spots of blood. Rasputin whines from beside me. A cold dread works its way down my spine as I cup my stomach and slowly walk out of my room. I’m terrified, too scared to run and scream because I don’t want to do anything to make this worse. My dad’s deep voice filters down the hall, and I nearly collapse in gratitude at hearing it. I’ve barely seen him all week, and when I turn the corner and call for him, his dark eyes meet mine before he runs over to me, immediately knowing something is wrong.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” He cups my face, and then yells for my mom. She comes running up, looking me over, and when another pain hits me and I clutch at my stomach and moan, her face pales as she grabs my dad’s arm.
“We need to get her to the ER.”
My dad’s face is just as pale when he realizes what’s happening. Handing his phone to my mom, he tells her to call her brother and let him know what’s going on, and then he scoops me into his arms and holds me close while rushing out of the apartment with my mom right on his heels.
“Just hang on, honey.” He presses the button for the elevator, cursing when it takes too long to get there.
“I’m bleeding,” I tell him. “Dad,” I start to say and then let out a sob. “I can’t lose this baby. It’s all I have left of him.”
“Fuck,” he growls when the doors take a second too long to open. I try not to remember the last time I was in here, how happy Val and I were, and then the horror of watching him run out into the middle of a gunfight.
My mom’s hand finds mine and squeezes it while she tells my Uncle Roman what’s happening. I cry against my dad’s shoulder, praying to whoever will listen to not take my baby from me.
“We’re not losing this baby, Yelena,” my dad tells me. “It’s not going to fucking happen. Val’s so excited to be a daddy, and when we get him back, he’s going to find his pregnant wife waiting for him, okay?”
I nod against his shoulder, willing his words to be true.
“We’ll get to the hospital, and it’ll be fine,” my dad says again, and this time I know he’s trying to convince himself of it, too. None of us want to face the alternative.
“Mom,” I cry out, clutching her hand when another sharp cramp hits me and I feel the wetness between my legs. “It’s not stopping.”
“It’s okay, baby. We’re leaving now, and we’ll be at the hospital in just a few minutes.” The doors open and she yells for Aleksandr to start the SUV while my dad walks as quickly as he can while not jostling me too much. He refuses to let me go, sitting in the back with me on his lap as my mom gets in the passenger seat and Aleksandr quickly drives us out of the parking garage.
“We’re almost there,” my dad whispers. “Just hang on a little bit longer, honey.”
Slumped against him, I try not to think about how happy we all were a little over a week ago. I went from being the happiest I’ve ever been to having the ground shatter beneath my feet, throwing me head first over a cliff. I can’t lose this baby, this precious little life that Val and I created. I can’t lose both of them and survive.
When Aleksandr pulls up to the ER doors and my dad starts screaming for a doctor, I silently beg our baby to hang on and promise that I’ll do a better job of eating and taking care of myself. I’m still begging and pleading when another pain hits me, this one so bad that I feel lightheaded and dizzy from it.
“Dad,” I whisper before letting out another pained moan.
“Get a fucking doctor!” he screams at someone over my shoulder.
It’s the last thing I hear before the world goes dark and I pass out in my dad’s arms.