Born into Temptation (Devils Will Rise: Melnikov Legacy #4)

13. Yelena

Chapter 13

Yelena

A fter two days I’m finally allowed to leave the hospital. I’m under strict orders to not leave my bed, and I’d agreed to everything they'd said because nothing is more important than the safety of our baby. I thought watching Val run out of that elevator was the scariest thing I’d ever endure, but I’d been wrong because when I’d started bleeding, when I thought our baby was dying, that’s when I realized what true terror felt like.

My hand rests on my stomach as my dad pushes my wheelchair out of the hospital and my mom grips my other hand, clutching it between hers until we’re at the SUV and she’s forced to let go. My parents haven’t left my side, even though I begged my dad to not stop looking for Val. He’d just shaken his head and told me his brothers were on it and that there was no way he was leaving me.

When I try to stand, my dad gives a grunt of disapproval and lifts me up before I can protest. Once I’m in the backseat, he buckles me in while my mom gets in next to me.

“You okay?” she asks, worry etched into her face. Both my parents look exhausted. I’m not so sure they’ve slept at all the last two days, and I hate that I’ve put everyone through this.

“I’m fine, Mom. I promise. I’m going to go straight to bed when we get home, and I’ll eat every single thing you bring me.”

She smiles at me and pats my leg. “I know you will, honey.”

I stare out the window on the short drive back, clutching the folder in my hand with the sonogram pictures and thinking about the recording of our baby’s heartbeat that I have saved on my phone. When I’d first heard it, I’d started crying while my mom joined in and my dad tried like hell not to. It was so fast and strong, and in that moment I made a promise that I would do everything within my power to be strong for them, that I would become the kind of mom they needed me to be. My heart is still broken, and every breath I take feels like a struggle, but I have hope that Val is okay and that he’ll come back to us. That’s what I cling to, and that’s what’s giving me the strength to go on, to eat and sleep and take care of myself so my body can take care of our baby.

After we pull into the parking garage, my dad picks me up again. I’m expecting him to carry me up to the apartment, but instead he walks to the back where Aleksandr is hauling out a wheelchair and setting it up for me.

“You bought me a wheelchair?”

My dad kisses my forehead and sets me down into it. “Of course I did.”

I hesitate to say it because I know he’s dead set on being as cautious as possible, but I say it anyway. “You remember what the doctor said, right? That I need to take it as easy as possible, but that it’s okay if I walk around a little bit?”

“Yeah,” he says, like we’re in perfect agreement. “He said take it as easy as possible. Why walk when you can be pushed around? What’s easier than that?”

I decide to save that argument for another day. Maybe I can get Tony on my side and he can convince them that I don’t need to spend the next seven months being pushed around in a wheelchair. For now, though, I sit back and let myself be pushed onto the elevator. When we get to the penthouse, Evgeny is waiting for us. As soon as he sees me, he leans down and wraps me in a big hug while Rasputin dances around us, nudging my hand and whining with happiness.

“Don’t you dare scare me like that again.”

“Don’t worry,” I tell him while I pet Raspy’s head. “I never want to go through that again.”

He gives me one last squeeze and then takes over wheelchair duty so he can bring me to my room. Lucky for us, there aren’t any stairs and the doorways are wide enough to accommodate the width of the chair. When I see what he’s done to my room, I look up at him and reach back so I can squeeze his arm.

“Thanks, Ev.” My eyes run over the extra cushions and blankets and the stacks of books he’s strategically placed so I can reach one no matter where I’m at. He’s also put all the photos of Val and me on every available space so I see him everywhere I look. I’d already moved them into our new home, and I hadn’t realized how much I missed seeing them until now. Seeing his beautiful, smiling face hurts, but it’s also such a comfort that it brings tears to my eyes.

Ev leans down and kisses my head. “You have to believe he’s coming back, Yel. Don’t give up hope.”

“I won’t,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been here enough lately, but that’s going to change. Dad and the others will bring me in if they need me. Until then, it’s my place to watch over my sister and future niece or nephew.”

“Ev, you don’t have to do that,” I start to say, but he shakes his head and cuts me off.

“Don’t waste your strength arguing with me. I’ve already added all my favorite movies to your queue on Netflix, and I even read up on the healthiest snacks for pregnant women and stocked the kitchen. You’ll be breaking my heart if you say no to this brother-sister bonding time I have planned.”

“You’re going to be bored out of your mind,” I warn him.

“Nonsense. I could use a break, and you know how much I love it when you kick my ass in your favorite video games.”

I give a soft laugh, remembering how much he hated it when we were little. He hated it even more when I let him win and made me promise to never do it again. I haven’t, and he hasn’t won a game since. “You sure you don’t want me to start letting you win again?”

He groans and pushes me next to the bed. “Don’t you dare. I’d rather keep my pride and lose like a man.”

I smile while he helps me get into bed and piles the pillows around me. Once I’m situated, Rasputin jumps up to lay by my feet. “I know this is where Val would want me to be,” he says before handing me a glass of water.

I’m not about to argue with him. We both know it’s true. Val would expect nothing less, and I know wherever he is that he’s taking comfort in the fact that I’m safe and with our family. For Val, my safety will always come first. That’s just the kind of man he is.

Evgeny leaves to get me a snack. I sit back and grab one of the photos that I can reach. It’s one of Val and me when we were kids. I’m ten, and he’s eleven. It was the year I wanted to be Dorothy, and I’d convinced him to be the Tin Man. He’d gone all out and dyed his hair, and it had taken weeks before all the silver had washed out. The memory is bittersweet, and I’m still smiling with tears in my eyes when there’s a soft knock at the door. Looking up, I see my Uncle Vitaly hovering in the doorway. My eyes tear up even more when I see him. He looks terrible—exhausted, a light beard since he hasn’t taken the time to shave, and dark circles under his eyes. He also looks like he’s lost weight. My Uncle Vitaly always looks like he’s on the verge of cracking a joke. There’s always a mischievous glint to his brown eyes, but there’s no trace of that smartass mirth now. He looks empty, like a man who’s being forced to endure more than he can bear, and it breaks my heart to see it.

He walks over and sits on the edge of the bed, giving me a hint of a smile when he sees the photo I’m still holding.

“I don’t know how I never saw it,” he says. “It’s so obvious now. Even at ten, he was head over heels for you. Your Aunt Katya was convinced he’d have silver hair for the rest of the year. Val didn’t even care. He’d just smiled and said you needed a Tin Man, that it would be weird for a Dorothy without a Tin Man.”

“No one else would do it,” I say, remembering how Luka and Max had just laughed and told Val he was crazy. They’d all gone as super heroes that year.

He’s quiet for a few minutes before he reaches out to grab my hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here to see you. I ask your dad about you every day, but I should’ve come by to see for myself.”

“It’s okay. I know why you haven’t. It’s more important that you keep all your focus on finding Val.”

“When I heard that you were at the ER,” he stops when his voice cracks. Taking a shaky breath, he looks out the window, waiting until he has control of himself. “This baby is a piece of my son, Yel. A piece that I really don’t want to lose.”

I squeeze his hand and wait for him to look at me. “The baby is strong, Uncle Vitaly, and so am I. I’m not leaving this bed unless I have to, and I’ve already told Ev and my parents that I’ll eat everything they put in front of me. Here,” I say, grabbing my phone and pulling up the recording I’d made. When the sound of our baby’s heartbeat fills the room, my uncle’s eyes tear up.

“I remember when I heard Val and Sveta’s heartbeats for the first time. God, we were so excited. He’s going to be so upset that he missed hearing this for the first time with you.”

“He’ll hear it soon enough.” I reach over and grab the folder, showing him the sonogram photos. “Here’s your future grandson or granddaughter,” I tell him. “With Sveta having twin boys, I’m guessing Samantha would really enjoy it if we had a girl, but it’s still too early to tell.”

He smiles, even though he looks like he wants to sob. “I’ve always been terrible at reading these things,” he admits. “Your Uncle Roman was so excited to show us the sonogram after they learned they were having Luka, but I never could spot the penis.”

I give a soft laugh while he takes a picture of the sonogram with his phone. “Well, don’t worry. There’s nothing to see yet on this one, so your guess is as good as mine.” I send him the audio file of the heartbeat. “So Aunt Katya can hear,” I tell him.

“She’ll love that.” He puts the folder aside and pats my leg. “She’s not doing so great with all this. Tony’s had to sedate her a few times. She can’t eat and refuses to sleep. She’s worried about Val, but she’s also worried about you and Sveta.”

“How is Sveta? Everyone keeps telling me she’s fine, but I don’t know if that’s the truth or if they just don’t want me to worry.”

Uncle Vitaly shrugs. “She’s devastated, and Vitya is worried sick about her. Tony’s pretty much moved in over there so he can keep a constant eye on her, but so far she’s okay, and the twins are fine.”

I hesitate to ask because I don’t want to make him feel any worse than he already does, but I have to know. “Do you have any idea where they are?”

“I don’t think your Uncle Danil and Niki have taken a break since it happened. They’re scouring everything, but so far they haven’t been able to pinpoint exactly where they’re being held.”

“Do you know who has them, though? Have they gotten in touch?”

He sighs and runs a hand through his disheveled hair, looking so much like his son that I have to turn away or risk crying again. Looking at my uncle is like being given a glimpse of future Val, and I want that so badly it makes my chest ache. I want us to grow old together. I want to experience every year of my life with him, just like I have since the moment I was born.

When I’m convinced he’s going to ignore my questions, he breaks the silence. “We’re doing everything we can to find them, and I give you my word that I won’t rest until we do. None of us will. That’s all you need to focus on. Okay?”

“Okay,” tell him, because I know that details about this are never going to be given to me, and maybe that’s for the best. I’m having a hard enough time keeping calm while my imagination runs wild. There’s no way I’ll be able to keep my shit together if I’m given hard proof that all my worst nightmares are in fact a reality. I’ll take the fantasy. Hell, I’m more than willing to cling to it with both hands, because I can’t face the alternative.

“I’ve been debating whether or not to tell you this, but I know he would want me to. We have the security footage from the parking garage, and before he and Max are taken away, Val looks directly into the camera and asks me to tell you he’s sorry.”

I bite my lip to keep from crying, knowing if I do, then he’ll stop talking.

“I hope you know that it wasn’t a lack of love that made him run away from you. He loves you so much, Yelena, but you and I both know that Val wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he’d left Max alone.”

“I know,” I whisper in a shaky voice. “That’s not who Val is.”

“He’s stubborn like his mother,” he tells me, giving me the barest hint of a smile. “Never could keep his butt out of trouble.”

I return the small smile and reach out to squeeze my uncle’s arm. “I know you’re going to find him.”

He rests his hand on top of mine and gives me a sad smile. “I watched your dad go through this with your mom, and it was a hell that I hoped to never experience again. We’ve tried so hard to protect you kids from this kind of pain. I’m so sorry we failed you.”

“You didn’t fail us,” I quickly tell him. “We’re getting them back, and then you’re going to kill every last one of these bastards so we know it’ll never happen again.”

This time when his eyes meet mine, there’s more than heartbreak in them. There’s a cold, dark need for vengeance, and I don’t look away. I’ve never been a violent person, but that was before someone came to our home, attacked us, killed our men, and kidnapped my husband and cousin. Now I want blood. I want these fuckers to pay for what they’ve done.

“Retribution I can promise you, Yelena. When this is over, I give you my word that none of the men responsible for this will be left breathing.”

I nod and rest back against my pillows, suddenly tired and feeling like I could fall asleep at any second. He notices and gives me a small smile.

“Rest up, Yel. I’ll try to arrange a visit for you and Sveta soon, okay?”

“That would be great. Thanks, Uncle Vitaly.”

“Is it weird that you still call me that when you’re married to my son?” he asks the question, and for just a second, I catch sight of the jokester he’s always been. “That’s going to raise some eyebrows when we’re in public.”

“When hasn’t our family raised a few eyebrows?”

He smiles even bigger. “True enough. Make sure to say it really loud the next time we all go out. Let’s see how much we can embarrass Val.”

I smile back at him. “Deal.”

He leans down to kiss my head, and as soon as he leaves the room, my brother walks in. He’s carrying a plate that’s piled high with fresh fruit. There’s also cheese slices, crackers, and a big bowl of cottage cheese. In his other hand is a glass of orange juice.

“I know I said I’d eat everything you brought me, but you don’t seriously expect me to eat all this, do you?”

He grins down at me, setting the plate on my lap and the glass in my hand. “Don’t worry. I made extra so I could have some.”

I eye the huge plate on my lap. I still don’t have an appetite, but a promise is a promise, so I pop a few grapes in my mouth and get to work. My brother puts a movie on for us to watch and then scoots in next to me, occasionally glancing over to make sure I’m still eating. Despite what he said, he only nibbles on a few things, leaving the rest for me, and every time my mind starts to wander and worry, he makes a joke about the movie, pulling my thoughts back to the here and now. I’ve always known I have the world’s greatest brother, and when I nudge his shoulder and tell him that, he just laughs at me.

“Sentimental pregnancy hormones,” he says, “are most definitely a thing.”

“They are,” I agree, “but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.”

“You’re just buttering me up so I’ll take you for a spin in your fancy wheelchair later.”

I grin over at him. “Is it working?”

He laughs and turns his attention back to the movie. “Maybe.”

By the time the credits roll, I’ve fallen asleep on his shoulder, and I don’t wake up until the next morning. Stress always makes me sleepy. Val used to tease me for all the times I’ve fallen asleep on him. Anytime we had plans to cram all night before a big test in school, I’d be asleep within an hour of getting started. I wish I could just fall asleep and then someone could wake me when Val is safe and back home, but our baby needs food, and I need to put forth enough effort so my family will stop worrying so much about me.

Evgeny and I fall into a routine over the next week. My morning sickness is getting better, so I’m only sick every once in a while. When I am, my brother holds my hair while trying to make me laugh by pretending to dry heave from the smell. Then I get back in bed while my mom brings in breakfast and eats with us. My dad sometimes joins us, but I’d convinced him that it was okay for him to put his focus on finding Val, and after I went back to the hospital for a check-up and the doctor agreed that I wasn’t in any danger, he finally relented and went to join my uncles and cousins.

The afternoons are spent watching movies or playing video games. My mom joins in most afternoons, easily kicking both our asses, and then we have supper and I’m usually asleep pretty early.

I’m expecting today to be the same as all the others, but when my mom and Evgeny are gathering up our breakfast dishes, I hear Sveta’s voice in the other room.

“Vitya, you can’t carry me everywhere. It’s absurd. You’ll throw your back out trying to carry three people.”

Vitya’s frustrated voice draws closer when he says, “They have a wheelchair right here. Why can’t you just sit in it and let me push you?”

“I kind of want to fight you on that, but it does sound nice.”

“Look how soft that butt cushion looks.”

I grin at his placating tone while Sveta says, “It’s a testament to how sore my back is that I’m in complete agreement with you right now.”

He gives a soft laugh and a couple minutes later, he’s wheeling her into my room. As soon as she’s close enough, she motions for him to stop and then she’s up and wrapping me in a big hug, sobbing into my hair while I do the same. I cling to Val’s twin sister, feeling closer to him just from doing it. They may not look exactly alike, but there are enough similarities, in physical characteristics as well as mannerisms, for her to remind me of him in an uncanny sort of way.

Sveta and I are still hugging when I feel Vitya’s hand on my shoulder. “I’m glad you’re doing better, Yelena. We’ve all been worried about you.”

I look up at the man who used to be Sveta’s bodyguard and give him as big of a smile as I can manage. “Thanks, Vitya. How’s Sveta doing?”

Sveta pulls back and wipes at her eyes. “I’m right here, you know.”

“Yeah, but you’ll just lie and tell me you’re fine and to stop worrying.”

Vitya kisses his wife’s head. “She’s right, pcholka . We all know it’s true.” He looks back at me and says, “She doesn’t sleep well, and I wish she’d eat more.” He gives his wife a wink. “That’s a sentence I never thought I’d have to say.”

She rolls her eyes at him, but there’s a smile playing at her lips. Sveta is a sugar addict, and she’s always been proud of her healthy appetite. It’s one of the things Vitya loves most about her, and I know he’s deeply worried that she’s no longer hungry all the time.

“But all things considered,” he continues, “she’s doing remarkably well, and I couldn’t be prouder.”

Sveta smiles at him and rests her hands on her growing stomach. “I’d like nothing more than to have a proper nervous breakdown, but the boys are giving me the strength to keep it together.” She grabs my hand in hers. “I know you feel the same way, Yel, and once my brother is back, we’re treating ourselves to a meltdown.”

“A really big one,” I say in agreement.

“I’ll supply the ice cream and treat you both to a spa day,” Vitya promises. He kisses her head again when she smiles up at him, and then he leaves to go and talk to my brother and give us some privacy. Once he’s gone, I scoot over so Sveta can climb under the covers with me. We lean against my mountain of pillows and share a look that says everything we’re both feeling. Neither one of us can picture our lives without Val. He’s so much a part of both of us, and it would destroy us both to lose him.

“He’s coming back,” she finally says. “He has to, Yel.”

“He does,” I agree. “I won’t let myself believe anything else.”

Sveta sighs and turns so she’s lying on her side. I do the same so we’re facing one another. Tears threaten to spill over, and I know she’s also trying like hell to resist them.

“I’d know, wouldn’t I? If he weren’t alive, wouldn’t I feel it as his twin? I think you’d feel it too, Yel. I think we both would.”

“That’s what I keep telling myself. I feel like he’s still alive.”

“I do too,” she says, reaching out to grip my hand. “If he’s alive, then Max must be too. We’re going to get them both back. We just need to hang on.”

I nod, wondering just how much longer we’re going to have to wait. We’re already creeping up onto a month, an entire month since he was taken, and I can’t help but wonder how much longer I can keep my fears locked up, how long until they consume me despite my best efforts to keep them at bay.

“How’s Samantha?” I ask, trying to distract my mind and give it something good to think about.

The mention of her daughter makes her smile “She’s perfect. My mom’s babysitting her. I honestly don’t know what we’d do without her. She’s keeping my mom sane. My dad’s been so worried about her. He’d tried everything to keep her from falling into a deep depression, but nothing was working. One day, he came and got Samantha and brought her to their apartment. He said seeing her breathed new life into my mom. Now they’re pretty much inseparable, which has helped me out tremendously, because she’s walking around now, and it’s killing my back to chase after her.”

“It’s hard to be too sad when her cute little face is smiling at you,” I say.

“It is. I swear she gets cuter every day, and she’s such a daddy’s girl. Vitya loves it.”

The side of her lips curl up in a half-smile right before her eyes widen and she grabs my hand, putting it on her round belly. One of the boys gives a kick that I feel against my palm, the sensation awakening a deep yearning that I feel in every part of myself. I desperately want this. I want the huge pregnant belly and the kicks that keep me awake at night. I want it all, and I want it with Val.

I’m going to have this with Val, I remind myself and smile at Sveta.

“Have you decided on the second name yet?”

We all know one of the boys is going to be Seryozha, named after Vitya’s younger brother. He died when he was fifteen, and they want to honor his memory by naming their son after him. Ever since they found out they were having two boys, though, they’ve been stumped on that second name.

She sighs and then gives a soft laugh when she gets kicked again. “I’m thinking about Jake.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Are you seriously naming him after Jake Ryan? How many kids are you going to name after John Hughes’ characters?”

She laughs and shrugs the shoulder she isn’t lying on. “It’s a good name, and it matches Samantha.”

“It is a good name,” I agree. “What does Vitya think?”

“Vitya’s so worried about me that he would agree to anything right now. He’s lucky I’m not a cruel person or we’d end up with a Fergus or a Barnaby.”

“Oh god,” I say. “Fergus Kozov. That’s a name that’ll send the ladies running to him.”

“I would never curse my son like that,” she says with a smile. “Not even to prove a point with his daddy.”

“Val will get a kick out of you naming one of your boys Jake. He’s only watched Sixteen Candles with you a million times. I think he has every line of it memorized.”

When she sees my eyes get glassy, she clutches my hand and says, “We’re going to get through this, Yel. I promise.”

I nod while my throat tightens and tears cloud my vision. I hold hands with my husband’s twin while we both try like hell to not fall apart. We keep talking, each of us trying to keep the other’s mind off what’s going on, until Evgeny and Vitya bring in two trays filled with lunch. They keep us company while we eat, but I can tell it’s also to make sure we both clean our plates. I’m steadily putting on weight, and this morning I’d cried when I saw my reflection in the mirror. I have a small baby bump now, the start of what will become a nicely rounded belly, the obvious sign of pregnancy that Val was so looking forward to seeing. It’s not anything anyone else would notice at this point, but Val would. He’d notice the slight change immediately, and it would’ve made him so happy to see it.

Resting a hand on my stomach, I remind myself that he’ll be here before I get much bigger. There’s still so much for him to experience with me. This is just the start, and soon it’ll be his hand on my stomach, feeling our baby kick and enjoying every second of this journey with me.

I can’t allow myself to think that any other future is possible. This baby is going to come into the world to see their mommy and daddy smiling down at them—the two of us together, both of us showering our baby in so much love.

With that thought firmly in place, I take another bite of my lunch, determined to do my part in all this. Shortly after we’re finished, Vitya decides Sveta is looking tired and insists she go back home and take a nap. She sighs at his overprotectiveness and gives a playful eye roll, but she’s not fooling anyone. We all know how much she loves it. Vitya just winks at her and puts her ass back in the wheelchair, telling her there’s no reason for her to walk to the front door when he can just as easily push her to it.

After they’ve both hugged me goodbye, I hear him mutter, “I need to get us one of these,” as he pushes her out of my room.

“I think Dad started something,” I tell my brother. “Now every pregnant woman in the family is going to be wheeled around.”

“You might appreciate it when you're nine months pregnant and can’t see your feet.”

“True enough.”

Evgeny spends the rest of the day trying to beat me at my favorite racing game, and when he leaves to grab me some supper, I’m surprised to see Luka hovering in the doorway. My cousin cups the back of his neck, looking like a man who’s just had his two best friends taken from him, and with a sigh, he lowers himself into the chair Evgeny had just been sitting in.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been here sooner, Yel.”

I reach out and squeeze his hand. “Don’t you dare apologize to me, Luka. I know how hard this is, and I know what you’ve been doing.”

“I ask your dad about you every day, and I tried to see you in the hospital, but you were sleeping when I came by.”

“How are Lara and Roma doing?”

“They’re good.” A ghost of a smile crosses his face at the mention of his wife and son. “Without her, I’d be losing my mind,” he admits.

We sit in silence for several minutes. There’s nothing for us to say. We’re both heartbroken, scared, and trying like hell to not fear the worst. We’re both in hell, and we’ll both remain here until Val and Max are brought home to us. Right now all we can do is be here for each other while we suffer through it.

Finally Luka squeezes my hand and says, “I know Val and Max will come back to us, because Val would never settle for anything less than that. Nothing is going to keep him from you, Yel. He’ll do whatever it takes to see you again. They’re both smart, and they’re both determined to make it home. They’ll survive until we can find them.”

“I know they will,” I tell him, because I think he needs to hear it as much as I do. He’s being strong for me, but I also want to be strong for him. Luka’s always seen it as his duty to watch over us since he’s the oldest, and I know he considers this a personal failing on his part, and I hate that he’s carrying around guilt over this.

“This isn’t your fault, Luka,” I tell him. “You weren’t even here when it happened. They chose this place for a reason, or maybe they just saw Max and followed him here. I don’t know, but they saw the opportunity, and they took it. Val would hate that you’re blaming yourself for this.”

“He would,” Luka agrees, “but I feel it all the same. I can’t help it.” He gives me a sad smile. “I feel responsible for everyone. I think becoming a dad has just amplified it.”

Leaning closer, he kisses the back of my hand and keeps it cupped in his. “I’ll make you a deal. You take it easy and stop worrying so much, and I’ll shed the guilt once they’re both back and safe.”

I raise a brow at him. “That’s not a very good deal at all. How about you try to drop some of it now?”

He smiles and sets my hand down before giving Rasputin a good scratch behind the ears. The big dog whines in appreciation and leans into his touch.

“I’ll do my best.” He stands and then gives my shoulder a soft squeeze. “Call me if you need anything at all.”

“I will. Thanks, Luka. Give Lara and Roma a big hug for me.”

“They both miss you. When all this is over, we’ll get together and celebrate.”

I nod, and when he sees my bottom lip tremble, he leans down and hugs me. Before he walks away, he whispers a promise—one that I know he’ll give his life to keep.

“I will find a way to bring him home to you, Yel, and then our family will make every single one of those fuckers pay for what they’ve done.”

He’s gone before I can respond. With my hands on my stomach, I try to conjure up some sort of sympathy for all the men who are going to lose their lives for this, but I can’t find any. I want them dead. I want them to pay for what they’ve done, and if that means I have blood on my hands, then so be it. I’ll happily live with the black mark on my soul if it brings me back my husband and ensures they can’t hurt anyone else in our family.

One day our baby is going to be helping to run all this, and I’ll do anything to protect them and to make the way safer for them. If that means I need to pick up a gun myself, then I will. I’ll do anything to keep the ones I love safe.

“We’re going to get through this, baby,” I whisper to our unborn child. “Your daddy is going to find his way back to us.”