33. Rachel
33
RACHEL
A gainst my better judgment—but who was I kidding, I had no judgment!—I kissed Derrick. His mouth was hesitant at first, but then he kissed me back, and all the tension, all the anxiety, melted away.
This was why I'd kissed him, why I wanted more than this kiss. It took me away to a place that soothed me, like I was on the best fucking vacation of my life. Relaxed, exhilarated, like nothing I'd ever experienced before.
Derrick pulled back, his breath ragged. "Rachel, we can't."
I blinked, confused. "What do you mean? It's allowed. Prathi said."
"That's not what I mean." He tilted his head sideways away from my lips and ran a hand roughly through his hair. "I'm not a casual relationship kind of guy."
"But you're cured. You can do whatever you want now."
He groaned, a sound filled with frustration. "That's not what I'm talking about."
"I don't want to talk. Do you?" I leaned in, my fingers digging into his shoulders, pulling him toward me. I sighed when his lips pressed against mine again, hard and soft all at once. I ran my hands down the hard muscles of his back and slid my right hand down, scooping around his firm ass.
"No, Rachel," he said, his voice strained, grabbing my wrists and pulling them away from his backside.
"I need this," I protested. I pushed off him, frustrated. I knew he wanted me. And I needed to get this maddening, frenetic energy out of me.
"This isn't the way, Rachel. It's an avoidance technique."
"Maybe. But it's a fun one." I groaned. "Why does everything have to be so serious?" Then an idea struck me. "What if you just watch me?"
His eyes darkened with desire and raked down my body. "Like... masturbate?"
I nodded, a thrill of excitement dancing through me. "Yeah."
Derrick's breath hitched, and for a moment, I thought he'd say no. But then he nodded slowly, like he was shocked that he'd agreed.
"Okay," he said.
I settled onto his leather couch, and he sat on the edge of the overstuffed chair across from me, his heated gaze drilling into mine. I tossed my sweatshirt aside and ran my hand over my body-hugging tank top. Over the mounds of my breasts and across my belly, continuing the journey until my right hand tucked between my legs, over my shorts. I pressed my fingers against the fabric and massaged.
His brow was furrowed in concentration, watching me, and a heated current rushed over my skin. But it wasn't enough. My body was catching fire, and I wanted more. I unzipped my shorts and shimmied them down my legs, throwing them at Derrick's feet, but his eyes stayed glued to my hands and what they were doing.
My left fingers hooked into the crotch of my black cotton underwear, and I moved it aside, letting him look at me bare. He leaned forward, his gaze intent. I waited another moment as he drank me in, then I slid my right fingers inside.
I gasped, a shot of desire rushing through me, and it was wonderful and wicked watching him as he watched me.
My gaze locked onto his hands, which were mindlessly massaging his thighs, his cock a hard line under his tight joggers. It was intimate and raw, and I couldn't tear my gaze away as I continued to rub, bringing my wetness out and touching my clit. The sensations overwhelmed me, and my eyes rolled back as I mewled, sinking into the sensations.
Derrick made a low, guttural sound, and I fluttered my eyes open. His jaw was clenched, and the intensity with which he studied me made every nerve ending spark. I ached to go to him, to touch him and ask him to touch me. But I stayed where I was and continued the pleasure assault on my body.
"Join me," I said, a challenge. Why the hell not? I'd gotten my pussy out for him; he could do the same.
But he shook his head.
"Come on," I moaned, my hand moving faster, my skin hot with arousal. "Just looking at the outline of your cock is making me hot. And your fingers are dying to touch it."
His jaw ticked, and then, without a word, he slid his joggers and boxers down his legs, and his thick, hard cock popped out. But he didn't touch himself. It was just there, pointing at me. The sight of him so aroused sent a surge of heat through me.
"God, Derrick, your dick is so beautiful." I moved my right hand faster, letting go of the crotch of my underwear in my left hand so I could shove my top up and fondle my breast, squeezing my nipple.
"Take off your underwear," Derrick said, his voice rough, like it had been raked over gravel.
Excitement rushed down my back at his command, and I slid my underwear down my legs and kicked them off. Then, I settled back and spread my legs. Wide.
"God dammit," he growled, his gaze so fevered that I almost came just from how obviously turned on he was by me.
His cock twitched, pre-cum glistening at its tip.
"Touch yourself," I said and raised an eyebrow. "I won't continue until you do."
Derrick flicked his eyes to my face, debating if I meant it. I took my hands off my pussy and held them up.
He grumbled, then circled his cock with his hand. "God dammit," he groaned.
I slid my fingers back in, and we found a rhythm together, each movement driving me higher, closer to the edge.
"Derrick, I'm close," I moaned, my eyes closing, but I shot them open, needing to watch him stroke his cock. My pussy pulsed thinking of it inside me, pounding me.
His hands were all over his cock, massaging his balls, tugging, stroking, pulling. He was breathing like he was running a race, but his eyes never left my pussy.
"Fuck, Rachel." His hands released his cock for a moment, and he panted, catching his breath as he watched me.
"Why'd you stop?" I asked, my voice high and tight, desperate for him to continue.
"I'm about to fucking explode," he said, and when I glanced at his cock, his balls were so tight they looked like one. His cock so hard the tiny veins were popping out, and cum was dripping out of the tip. "And I'm not coming without you."
That was all it took. I pressed my fingers roughly over my clit, my eyes glued to his beautiful cock, and I screamed, my climax hitting me like a freight train. Derrick immediately started pumping his cock, and he was right. The second he touched himself, he cried out, his orgasm taking over. His hips convulsed as his juice pumped out of his cock and onto the hardwood floor.
We both collapsed backward where we sat, breathless and spent, the air thick with the shared intensity of what we'd just done.
"Wow, Derrick," I said, a satisfied smile on my face. "I needed that."
I hiked up my shorts and underwear and walked to the guest bathroom and washed my hands. My cheeks were pink, sweat glistening in my hairline. I smiled at myself, the exhilaration of what we'd just done running through me, and I twirled out of the bathroom, crashing right into Derrick.
"Oh," I said and took a step back.
He held a glass of water out for me. I gulped it down, then put it on the side table, glancing at the floor where he'd been sitting. He'd already cleaned up the mess he'd made, the bottle of Resolve still on the coffee table. I didn't know why but it hit me hard in the gut. It felt like he wanted to erase what we'd just done.
The high I was on dissipated in a flash, and I turned to Derrick, anger taking its place.
"Can't you ever just enjoy it, Derrick?" I shot at him. "It hasn't even been five minutes, and I can see the regret all over your face."
"I—" He glared at me, confused and startled. "I told you I don't do casual."
"Then you shouldn't have agreed to watch me fuck myself. Geez. I'm tired of you going all sad puppy dog every time we're together."
"I—what?" he growled. "What the fuck did you say?"
"You look like I just killed your dog," I said.
"Why are you being such a bitch?" he accused, and I stepped back. But he was right. I was coming out with guns blazing, and I didn't even know why.
"Forget it," I huffed. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm acting like this. It's just a lot. You. Bradley DeLacey. Lulu. Hao Lin. My bio mom being dead. I don't know if I want to work at the Pilates studio anymore. Eva's gone half the time. My life is changing, and I can't get a grip. It's a lot. Okay?"
I was back to pacing, back to fighting against the electrical storm that was raging inside me.
"I might meet my dad tomorrow," I rushed out, needing to get all these thoughts out that were eating away at my sanity. "Everything is freaking me out, and you make me feel safe. I like being with you, Derrick. I like what we just did. And I liked sucking your cock the other day. We're friends. With benefits. Can't that be enough for now?"
A vein in Derrick's neck pulsed, and his face was a hard mask, but he finally said, "Yes." Pause. "We can be friends."
"Okay," I said, not wanting to analyze why he left out the benefits part. It was probably for the better.
Why did I think doing something sexual with Derrick would help? It didn't work last time. During the act, it took my mind off things, but afterward I always felt worse. And yet, he was like an addiction I couldn't stay away from.
I took a step toward him. "Can I hug you?"
He closed his eyes in a long blink but nodded, and I wrapped my arms around him. He smelled so good, and I melted into his embrace. It was like cozying up next to a warm fire on a bitterly cold day.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I stepped back and gently smacked his ass, trying to get back some of the playfulness.
He smiled, but it was flat.
"Get a good night's sleep. You'll need all your energy tomorrow."
"Sure thing, Boss," I said, and his face dropped.
I quickly left because that was exactly the wrong thing to say. I could see it all over his face the minute "boss" came out of my mouth. Maybe that was the problem. He was still not okay with me working for him and fooling around with him.
I could already hear Eva in my head telling me I was delusional. The problem wasn't that he was my boss, it was that he wanted more, and I couldn't give that to him. But I couldn't seem to stay away.
If only he didn't love me. Because love was the last thing on my mind.