Chapter 9
Chapter
Nine
CALLISTA
“ T his is so much better than some nightclub with sweaty men grinding against us,” Jane proclaims, propping her head up to smile in my direction. “Am I right?”
I nod with a chuckle, releasing a small moan as my massage therapist works out a knot in my shoulder.
“Your muscles are so tight, miss,” Renaldo, my personal masseuse for the evening, notes.
“Have Keegan work on that later tonight,” Jane snickers.
I love his cousin. She’s cheeky and saucy and just the type of woman I adore hanging out with. “Keegan is busy getting his share of lap dances. No doubt he’ll be worn out from all the activity.”
“I love that you’re not jealous. So many women would freak out knowing some strange woman is bumping and grinding against their man.”
Trust me, Jane, the thought isn’t far from my mind.
I manage a laugh, trying desperately to appear unbothered. “I know it’s a rite of passage. No point in getting my knickers in a twist.”
What I don’t disclose is that the idea of any woman touching Keegan makes me ill. But sadly, Keegan isn’t my man. At least not beyond Sunday evening. Even if the lines in our hotel suite flew past friendship like a jumbo jet.
Damn, but that man can kiss. Never, not once in my life, has a man kissed me with that level of passion.
I felt … everything.
A jolt courses through my body as I realize something I never thought I’d feel. Keegan kisses better than Charlie.
By a long shot.
Not that I didn’t adore Charlie’s kisses but there’s a fire with Keegan. It’s unquenchable and threatening to flare out of control every time we touch.
Tears cloud my vision at this realization, but I blink them away. The last thing Keegan’s family needs is me wailing about my topsy turvy love life.
Ha, wouldn’t that require a love life?
Although, if Keegan’s cousin hadn’t knocked on our hotel room door when he did, I would have spicy stories aplenty to tell tomorrow morning.
All involving one gorgeously delicious doctor.
A doctor I’ve hired to impregnate me. With my late husband’s baby.
Who needs a soap opera when you have my life?
I bury my face in the massage table, a low groan escaping my throat.
“Did that hurt?” Renaldo asks.
More than you can imagine.
I lift my head and shoot my masseuse a smile. “I’m fine. You’re wonderful. You have no idea how desperately I needed this pampering.”
I’m not kidding. Grief swallows you whole, and the idea of primping for the sake of beauty or sanity flies out the window. You merely exist, and on most days, even that term feels like a stretch. The knots and kinks build up in your body and soul, and it isn’t until you start to release them, bit by bit, that you realize how much baggage you’ve been lugging around.
I’ll have to thank Keegan later for this escape, and I have many ways to show that man my gratitude.
“I’m thrilled you’re here, Calli,” Keegan’s mother, Louise, states from the massage table to my right. “He’s never brought anyone home before. I was losing hope my son might ever find the right woman.”
Her words give me pause. “You weren’t a fan of his former girlfriends?”
“What girlfriends? I never met any of them.”
Say what?
I lift my head from its cozy cocoon, but Renaldo eases it back to the table. Relax, buddy. I have information to collect. “You never met Megan?”
Louise sighs and I know it’s not from the kinks in her neck. “Who? I’ve never even heard that name. Do you know her, Jane?”
“I met her once,” Jane replies with a derisive laugh. “I showed up on Keegan’s doorstep one weekend for an impromptu visit. Megan was there and insisted on spending the entire two days by my side. She meant well, I’m sure, but she was shallow. Vapid. Awful.”
“Tremendous tits, though.” My sarcastic retort earns a snort from both women. “Sorry. Me and my cheeky humor.”
“Never apologize for being interesting.” Jane shoots me a sly grin as she slides off the massage table and walks to a nearby spa chair.
Renaldo signals for me to follow suit and I slide into a chair between Jane and Louise.
Thank god these women appreciate my dry wit. Charlie’s family was always horrified by my off-the-cuff quips. To be fair, I never felt myself around them. They’re good, salt of the earth people, but they’re serious and staid.
I was not their ideal for a daughter-in-law, although by the end, the adoration flowed from both sides of the table.
Louise leans over, giving my arm an affectionate squeeze. “You are just what my son needs.”
“Not so sure about that.”
“You’re intelligent and outspoken. You’ll keep him on his toes. He needs that. He needs love, even though he’s sworn off the concept.” Louise shifts her attention to the far wall, the sadness etching her face. “I blame myself.”
“How so?”
Yes, I know the story, but only from Keegan’s side. A side that is filled with anger over his abandonment.
Time to hear Louise’s side and glean some insight into her son’s state of mind regarding happily ever after.
Louise picks at a loose thread on her white robe. “His father left when he was very young. Decided he didn’t want that life anymore. Keegan grew up with only the barest memories of his father, and a chip that grew larger every year his dad stayed away. All the other kids had dads to throw around a baseball with, or root them on at pee-wee football. Keegan only had me.”
I grasp her hand. “You were more than enough. Keegan adores you. He knows what you gave up to care for him. The sun rises and sets on you. Trust me.”
Louise smiles, and forces out a shaky breath. “He’s got a good heart and he never gave me any trouble. He wanted to be a doctor from the time he was six, and he worked tirelessly toward that goal. It’s as though he knew how I struggled and refused to add to it. He grew up too fast. Too jaded.”
Perhaps I should let the conversation lie.
But I’ve had a couple glasses of wine and I want answers .
Plus, it’s not like his family isn’t aware of Keegan’s dating rules.
“You think that’s why he hates the idea of romance and love?”
She nods. “Absolutely. It all came out during his childhood friend’s wedding. Someone asked when Keegan planned on walking the plank. He replied never, with no elaboration. I sat him down later that night and pulled the truth from him.”
“Which was?”
“Per Keegan, he watched love break me every day. How I pined for a man who didn’t love me and likely never had. Who didn’t deserve me or my affections. Certainly not my tears. But that wasn’t what scared him the most.”
I accept a third glass of champagne from the spa worker with a smile, wholly unsure I want to know Keegan’s real reason for evading love.
“He worries that since he carries half his father’s DNA, he may also carry the capacity to wound those around him. If he keeps all women at arms’ length, that isn’t a possibility.”
Her words echo through my heart because Keegan isn’t holding me at a distance. Even though this weekend is a setup for his family, there is a true bond between us. Deep down, I believe he needs me. Lord knows I need him.
And now, we’re both terrified.
I huff out a breath and take a large gulp of champagne, earning a look of surprise from his mom.
Sorry, Louise, I needed some help washing that information down.
“I don’t mean you, Callista.”
I wave my hand, taking yet another sip. “It’s fine. Keegan and I have had this conversation before. He was always up front about his beliefs, although I now have a better grip on how those beliefs began. Although, not every man wants marriage and a family. Some are happy being single, and it’s simply a preference.”
Louise chews her lip, no doubt concerned she’s ruined her son’s newest dalliance. “I worried that was the case with Keegan, but then you arrive on his arm. He’s not the same man. I’ve never seen my son as happy as he is now. Thank you, Callista.”
I jerk my head from her piercing gaze, her eyes the same bright blue as her son.
She seems in earnest with her statement, and I know he’s changed me, too. He’s brought me back to life.
But what does that mean? Long term, how does that look?
We both had plans for our future. Then we walk into each other’s lives and upend everything. Emotions strewn about the floor like dirty laundry.
What if Keegan does feel something deep and powerful for me?
How do I feel about that?
Worse, what if he doesn’t?
All I know at this juncture is that champagne and deep internal conversations do not mix.
“I’m glad he seems happier, but it has nothing to with me,” I mumble.
“You have everything to do with it. I see the way he looks at you. You’ve changed him. For the better.”
I offer a tremulous smile, before biting back a giggle. Here I sit, pondering my future happiness with a man who is likely getting a lap dance from a busty, peroxide blonde.
Some men have all the luck.
“Shit. ”
I stir from my slumber at Keegan’s hissed curse, flip on the light, and blink at the clock.
It’s after two.
Someone had fun.
“You okay?”
Keegan releases a sigh and offers up a remorseful smile. “I was trying so hard not to wake you.”
“You’re fine. How was it?” I scoot up and lean back against the cushions, trying not to laugh as a halfway inebriated Keegan removes his shoes.
“Terrible. The liquor was overpriced, the women were belligerent and demanding, and my cousin is puking in the toilet as we speak.”
A snort flies from my mouth. “Good times. I’m so sorry I missed it.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t miss it.” Keegan peels off his shirt, revealing his toned pecs and arms.
God in heaven, this man is beyond gorgeous. I know he’s in his cups and likely doesn’t realize he’s giving me an unofficial striptease, but who am I to complain?
“I’m hopping in the shower.”
“Strip club grime this time?” I tease.
“Exactly. Care to join me?” He shoots me a wink, and I’m not entirely sure he’s joking.
Do I want to go?
Fuck yes.
The man has no idea how tempting his offer is, but I won’t fool around with a man who likely won’t remember it tomorrow.
“Delightful offer, but I’ll wait here.”
For the second time this evening, I have a front-row seat to Keegan exiting the bathroom. Only this time, he’s pushed aside social pleasantries as he walks out wearing nothing but a towel slung low on his waist .
My mouth falls open as my gaze roves over his chiseled form. Seriously, the man’s body is perfection and I’m desperate to explore every inch of him. I knew he worked out, but this is ridiculous. He’s cut but not obscenely bulky. I could bounce rolls of quarters off his abs and don’t get me started on the happy trail dipping below that terrycloth towel.
So grateful for the low light hiding the flush I know is creeping steadily up my face.
My entire body trembles at his proximity, reminding me that it’s been over two years since I’ve had sex. Hell, I only started using my vibrator again after meeting Keegan.
Let’s just say that after he kissed me at the medical dinner, I’ve had an ongoing fantasy involving him and that balcony—one that made good use of the wall and lasted far longer than our reality.
“Feel better?” I manage, my breath catching as Keegan strolls to the opposite side of the bed, his blue stare intent on me.
“Getting there.”
I bite my lip and attempt to force my gaze to remain on PG locations, but my eyes have a mind of their own.
Come to think of it, so do my hands, as I ball them into fists by my side.
He’s drunk, Callista. Sure, he’ll still be amazing, but do you want your first time to be a vague memory for the man?
Screw it. I have needs. He has the cure.
I pull back the blanket and pat the mattress. “Are you coming to bed?”
I wait for him to drop trough and slide under the covers. I’ll figure out my next move afterward, I suppose.
Keegan grasps the edge of the blanket but hesitates. “Shit. I sleep in the nude, but that wouldn’t be very gentlemanly, would it?”
Perhaps not, but I’m not complaining. Even if I don’t have sex with him, I’ll gladly spend the rest of the evening ogling him.
He slides on a pair of boxers, gifting me with a view of his ass before joining me in the bed. “You sure you’re okay with this?”
I turn on my side, inching closer to him. “By this do you mean us sleeping together?”
“In the same bed, yes.”
I smile, my fingers reaching out to trace along his jaw. It’s an unconscious gesture, but not an unwelcome one, as he leans into my caress. “I’m fine with it. I trust you won’t do anything untoward.”
Not that my body doesn’t want him to do all manner of deliciously dirty things to me.
“Never.” Keegan grasps my hand, pressing a kiss to my palm.
“Did you have fun tonight?”
“No, but I’m having fun now.”
“Here I thought you’d be swinging from the chandeliers, with a line of lap dances waiting for you.”
Keegan chuckles, pulling me closer into the comfort of his arms. “Maybe I did.”
“You better not have.” I speak the words aloud before my mind realizes I sound like a possessive … girlfriend.
An idea I like more and more.
His grin widens, but he’s not offering up any further details. Bastard. “How was your night?”
Two can play the jealousy game.
“It was fabulous. Renaldo has amazing hands.”
“Who the fuck is Renaldo?”
I giggle at his heated glare. Even in the low light, his eyes narrow at my statement. “My masseuse.”
A scoff escapes his mouth. “You’re telling me that I went to a strip club but avoided all up-close and personal contact, while meanwhile, you were getting a rubdown from Renaldo?”
“Basically. Does that bother you?”
I’m yanking his chain, but apparently, I yank a bit too hard.
Keegan wraps his hands around my waist, pulling me flush against him. “It does. The idea of another man touching you infuriates me.”
And I love hearing those words. There’s something so attractive about his possessive stance.
In his mind, I belong to him, an idea I like very much, indeed.
“Renaldo was a consummate professional.”
“I don’t care. I don’t like him touching you.”
Biting back a smile, I press kisses to his chest as my palms glide across his skin. This man’s body is a work of art. “Are you jealous? Dr. Russo, I believe you might have a crush on me.”
“Callista, I’m crazy about you, and you know it.”
Tingles break out across my skin at his words. It’s not a declaration of love, but judging by the heated look on his face, it’s not far off. “You’re drunk, Keegan.”
“So? It doesn’t change how I feel.” He pushes my hair from my face, his palm caressing my cheek. “I’m in love with you, Calli. I know that wasn’t part of our deal, but it happened, anyway.”
My heart hammers against my ribcage at his admission. I expected any number of things to come out of Keegan’s mouth—flirty banter, sexually charged comments.
Never, in a million years, did I expect him to tell me he loves me. Keegan Russo, per his own admission, doesn’t fall in love.
Except, he did. With me.
And that concept is overwhelming.
“I-I?— ”
Fuck, brain, spit out a response.
He clears his throat, the apprehension rampant on his face. “The idea terrifies me. Likely why I waited until I was drunk to tell you.”
“You’re terrified to love me?” I whisper.
“I’m terrified you won’t love me back.” Keegan searches my face, but I’m rooted to the spot.
Do I feel something for him?
God, yes.
Is it love?
Likely.
Am I lying when I claim it might not be love?
Definitely.
But Keegan is drunk. People say things all the time when they’re drunk. Things they don’t mean.
He walked away from me once before. Actually, ran is a more accurate term. He ripped away from me that night of the medical dinner like I was the worst decision he ever made.
My heart can’t handle him taking this back, too, under the guise of too much alcohol.
So, I play the only card I have at the moment. Good old levity and dry wit. “Is this your way of getting into my knickers?”
Definitely the wrong response, as pain streaks across Keegan’s face.
“This is why I don’t say anything. This moment, right here. For the first time in my life, I let my feelings go, and you think it’s an excuse to sleep with you.”
“No, Keegan, that’s not how I meant it.” Tears prick my eyelids with the knowledge I wounded him.
All because I was too stupid to believe him. Too scared he didn’t mean what he said. Terrified he would regret—and then negate—everything.
Regret me .
Instead, I hurt him first.
Well done, Callista. You meet this incredible man and take a beautiful moment and smash it to bits.
He rolls onto his back, tucking his hand behind his head. “I knew you didn’t feel the same way, but I thought earlier … I thought it meant something. Guess you were just playing your part, right?”
I reach over to touch him, desperate to comfort him, but he tenses, so I pull my hand back. “That was no part. Trust me, I hated that you went to the strip club. Hated it. I wanted you to be here with me.”
“Get into your knickers, huh?” Keegan shakes his head before popping out of the bed to throw on his pants.
“Where are you going?”
“The hotel bar is open for another hour. Think I’ll take advantage.”
“Would you like some company?”
He meets my gaze for the first time since he spoke those fateful words, his eyes brimming with pain. Pain I inflicted. “I’d rather fly solo if it’s all the same to you.”
I avert my gaze, my fingers knotting in the sheets. “Be careful, please.”
He throws on a t-shirt, tousling his dark hair with his fingers. “You know it.”
Once more, I tremble, but this time it’s because I ruined us before we even got started.
Keegan grabs his wallet but pauses at the door, tapping the frame with his fingers. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here. I hope you can still have fun this weekend.”
I rise from the bed, determined to halt this conversation train before it careens into darker territory. More importantly, I need to stop him from walking out that door. “Please, come back to bed. Forget the damn bar and just be with me.”
“I can’t, Calli. Not after what I said … and what you didn’t. I shouldn’t have said a word. Blame it on the booze. I won’t mention it again. Sleep well.”
Then he’s gone, and it takes everything in me not to chase after him. Beg him back. Beg him to love me like he claims.
But I’m not that brave. Keegan Russo is gorgeous, brilliant, and completely opposed to any sort of commitment.
A commitment I crave.
Just because he loves me doesn’t mean he wants anything more. I’d be a fool to get my heart involved any deeper.
Right?
Wrong, because I’d rather be a fool than live without Keegan. When I’m with him, my loneliness vanishes.
I feel whole. Alive after so many months of feeling nothing.
I release a strangled cry into the pillow, curling into myself on the bed.
Why couldn’t I find the courage to say what I truly feel?
Keegan claims I don’t feel the same way about him.
The trouble is, I know I do.
I love him, and now, it’s too late.