Both Sides Now (Seasoned Hearts Club)

Chapter 16

Chapter

Sixteen

CALLISTA

S hawn leans back in his chair and rubs his chin as he considers my declaration.

I lean on the table and shoot him a mock glare. “I’m not sure whether that expression means you approve of my decision or think I've lost my damn mind."

"Actually, I'm hurt you destroyed the snow globe," he jests, giving me a light jab in the arm. “As for your plans, it’s not for me to judge, Callista. This is your life. Are you happy with your decision?"

"I am."

"It's a tremendous risk you're taking—on all fronts. Are you prepared for what might happen if one or more of your plans falls through?"

I offer him a nonchalant grin as I spread a napkin across my lap. “Then I make a new plan. That's life—a series of constantly evolving plans. Trust me, I spent the last few years clinging to some semblance of control, but all it brought me was disappointment. I’m ready to move on.”

This time, I mean what I say. After discovering Charlie's video, I spent the next week in deep, spiritual soul-searching. Then I made a decision. Three, in fact.

I'm selling the house. Keegan was right—I never did like the damn place. Aside from a few personal effects, the furniture will go with the residence, which will further increase my profit. The only piece coming along is Charlie’s leather side chair, although he rarely sat in it since I loved to snatch his spot when I curled up to read. All our trinkets and mementos are safely packed and ready to go to the storage unit.

Where is my next stop?

I’m not entirely sure, although I am taking a trip to Long Island. I can't be certain how Keegan feels about me now, but I'm going to demand to know the answer—after I spill my heart out to him, of course.

And then, I will tell the good doctor my final plan. I'm going to have a baby. I'd like to have one with Keegan, but if that isn't an option, I'll move forward with my decision. Solo.

Big moves. Big changes. Absolutely necessary, because I refuse to spend another day watching the world go by.

I’m jumping in the deep end. I’ll figure out later if I know how to swim.

Shawn clicks his tongue against his teeth, a funny smile on his face. “I love this brave new you, but I’m worried, too. You said Keegan doesn't want a family. Aren't you setting yourself up for disappointment?"

My best friend is the salt of the earth. He's terrified of me falling apart again. The poor man spent the last two years running around and collecting the shards of my soul as they shattered with each new wound.

He needs a damn break. We all do.

"I might be.” I shrug, taking a sip from my wine. Might as well imbibe now. Hopefully, I’ll need to abstain in the near future. "Before he left, Keegan asked me what I needed from my life. He doubted I’d ever considered that question, and he was right. So, I spent the last week examining every angle, and I now know what will make me happy—what I want. He also mentioned that this wasn’t how he wanted things to go, either. I’m going to test that theory."

“I don’t know him nearly as well as you do, but Keegan seems to be a decent guy. I believe he truly loved you. Hell, he took you to meet his family, which, according to his mother, he doesn’t do. That speaks volumes.”

"He also had unprotected sex with me. While I was ovulating."

Shawn's eyes grow large at my intimate disclosure. “Way too much information.”

“Had to leave you with a winner.” I chuckle, grabbing the bill as soon as the server leaves it on the table.

We stroll out of the cafe, the sun warm against my face. For the first time in forever, I'm excited about my future, even though I have no idea what it looks like.

After my lunch date with Shawn, I drive to the cemetery, a brilliant bouquet of irises by my side. Although I know Charlie will always be with me, cheering me on—or shaking his head in disbelief—I still want to tell him my news at his last official resting place. Well, where his stone marker lies, anyway. A visit to his grave in England will have to wait a while, but I'm fairly certain my husband will understand.

I've got a busy few months ahead of me and whole lot of living to do.

Climbing the gentle incline, I breathe deep of the summer air, the fragrance of a thousand blooms softening the rough edges of such a melancholy place. I kneel by Charlie’s stone, brushing away the bits of dirt and pollen that have settled on the marble, and earning several sneezes as payment for my troubles.

"Hey, handsome. It's been a while."

There's already a bouquet in his vase, or rather, the remains of one. Odd. Maybe Shawn and Suzanne dropped by, or perhaps one of Charlie’s friends from work.

Either way, I appreciate the gesture.

I pull out the dead stalks, surprised when a plastic bag drops by my side.

After replacing the worn out flowers with my own, I return and sit cross-legged in the sunshine, eager to chat with Charlie.

But first, I open the plastic bag that was tucked in with the flowers.

Inside is a letter, which piques my curiosity further.

Who in the world would pen a letter to Charlie?

When I unfold the paper fully, my heart catches and I have my answer.

Keegan. I’d know his scrawl anywhere.

I glance at the stone, waving the letter. "You knew about this and didn't tell me? Do I want to read it?"

The truth? I have no damned idea. But I've always been more curious than cautious, so here goes nothing.

Charlie,

You’re likely wondering what the hell I’m doing here. I didn’t realize gravesites were considered public record. Truth is, I’ve never had any desire to look for one.

If you’ve been paying attention, which I’m sure you have, then you know I’m in love with your wife. I didn’t plan it that way. I didn’t intend for the image of her to become burned in my brain. I didn’t think I would ever meet a woman who would make me change my mind about life and love and everything.

But Callista is no ordinary woman. You know how amazing she is. After all, you married her. You loved her, too. You still love her, and she still loves you.

I want her to love me. Forever. A colleague offered me this ridiculous position on Long Island, and it’s too good to pass up. I’m asking Calli to go with me, but I needed to stop here first. Ask your permission, I suppose. I promise to love her the way she deserves, even if her stubbornness drives me absolutely insane at times. She’s worth it.

Don’t worry, I’ll give her anything she wants. All she has to do is ask because I’m a terrible mind reader, as evidenced by most of our relationship. That, and she broke my damn heart when she stormed out of our beach cottage.

Put in a kind word for me, huh? I won’t let you down.

Keegan

My tears after watching Charlie’s video were bad. These are worse. They flow from my eyes like a raging torrent, soaking my dress and the grass below. But there's a difference with these tears. They're laced with happiness. Hope. A promise that my future isn't as far off a dream as I thought.

My fingers trace over the words, and I sigh as I realize how wrong I was about Keegan. He erected the emotional wall between us to protect his heart—a heart I broke.

A heart I intend to repair if he'll grant me entrance one more time.

"You bastard," I whisper to the stone, chuckling as I place my hand against the cool marble. "You knew all along, didn’t you? Mister know-it-all."

The breeze shifts, carrying on it another fragrant bouquet, and I have my answer.

He knows my plans and he approves.

My phone buzzes in my pocket as I walk back to my car.

It’s Shawn. Uh-oh.

"Miss me already?" I ask with a laugh.

"Check the ego, Callista." Shawn’s chuckle reverberates over the phone line. "Something you said earlier isn't sitting right with me."

"Which part? I said plenty to knock you askew."

"You had unprotected sex with Keegan?"

A snort flies past my lips. “Okay, I blurted that out for effect. I know we're best friends, but I don't want the down and dirty of your sexual escapades. It works both ways."

"I've got a point here. Was it a one-time slip?"

I pause, my hand on the door handle. "No. It was several times over that weekend. I mentioned it to him before he left, but Keegan told me he didn’t realize we were in the danger zone, so to speak. You know how men are."

"Not him. That's Dr. Russo’s field of expertise. He's your doctor, Callista. He knew. He knew, and he did it, anyway. I'm just saying that going to Long Island is a good idea. Now, I've got to run. My daughter is threatening to give herself a haircut. Bugger."

He ends the call as my laughter reverberates through the cemetery. God, it feels good to laugh.

And then the laugh stalls in my throat, as I recall Shawn’s words.

He's right. Keegan knew my body on every level. He had to; he was my doctor. Plus, he knew at the wedding that I wasn't ovulating. Hell, he even joked about it being safe.

Keegan knew that weekend. He tried to give me everything I wanted. His actions screamed at me, even though his voice was silent. Yet somehow, I missed it .

Time to atone. I just pray I’m not too late.

"Ms. Newton, Dr. Russo will see you now." The pretty blonde receptionist flashes a smile at me and buzzes me through the door.

I'd smile back, but I'm too terrified at the moment. Terrified, yet determined.

I booked an appointment with the good doctor under my maiden name, confident Keegan would avoid seeing me if he recognized the moniker.

This time, I won’t let him avoid me. At least, not until he hears everything I have to say.

Keegan is a man of action. I’m about to prove how serious I am about him.

After being led to a patient room, I pace the small space, going over my spiel in my head. In between, I wipe my palms along my skirt, desperate to appear at ease.

Yes, I’m dressed up again. The man always had a weakness for my legs and I need all the help I can get.

The door opens, and Keegan steps inside, his gaze focused on the chart. "Good afternoon, Ms. Newton. How are you today?"

My throat goes dry as I stare at his handsome face, and my mind blanks.

Keep it together, Calli. You know what you want.

"That depends, Keegan."

His head jerks up as his eyes widen with disbelief, the file folder slipping from his hand. "Callista, what are you doing here?"

I snatch the file from the floor and toss it on the counter, before motioning for him to sit. "I need five minutes. "

Keegan shakes his head and takes a step back, his gaze averted. “Calli, this isn't a good idea?—"

"Five minutes, and then I'll go. Want to time me?"

He huffs out his resignation, raising his hand in my direction. I have the floor.

"You're a liar."

Well, now he’s looking at me.

His jaw slackens as a huff of indignation flies past his lips. "Excuse me?"

"That weekend in Connecticut? You knew. This is what you do. It wasn't some surprise when I mentioned the possibility of being pregnant. You knew."

Keegan crosses his arms, a muscle jumping in his jaw.

Bingo.

"Did you come all the way to Long Island to tell me that?"

"Not just that."

"What else, then?"

I step closer, as resolve surges through me. “You can act like you don't care or that you've moved on, but I know you haven't."

"Is that a fact?" His blue eyes flash at me, but this time, I'm not backing down.

"It is a fact because you've never done that with anyone, and you did it with me. More than once."

"Your point?"

"You love me. I found your letter to Charlie."

He rubs his hand over his eyes. “Calli?—"

Oh no, Dr. Russo, I have the floor.

"And I love you. So damn much. I can't promise I won't ever have issues or that things won't back up on me, but I want to work through them with you. I want us back, Keegan."

"What's changed in the last few weeks?"

"Everything. I can't sleep without you. I wake up and don't look forward to anything because I won't see you or speak to you. I dream about the way you touch me. I dream about touching you."

“It wouldn’t work because I don't believe in long-distance relationships."

The man keeps lobbing obstacles at me, but I'm determined to dodge them. Every. Single. One. "It wouldn't be."

"I'm not moving back upstate.”

Damn, but the man is certainly standing his ground.

Fine with me. He spent all these months bending to me. It’s time I bend to him.

"I sold my house. Well, it hasn't closed yet, but it will. It sold in two days, so I priced it way too low. But that's fine. Between my savings and the profits from the house, I have money to set up a wellness center and plenty for a down payment on a beach house. With you. I won't be your damn neighbor, but I will be your wife."

I move so that I’m no more than a few steps from him, just outside the embrace I miss so much.

Here goes everything.

"Marry me, Keegan. Have lots of babies with me. Be my family."

There it is. Everything spilled out in front of him—my heart, my hopes, my dreams—all revolving around him.

I'm not sure what reaction I expected, but it sure wasn't this deafening silence. My admission takes on a life of its own, hanging in the air between us.

Keegan taps his foot against the floor, his hands clenching and unclenching as his eyes dart everywhere in the small exam room.

Everywhere but in my direction.

"What do you say?" I croak, taking a step toward him.

He holds up his hand, stopping me in my tracks. "I need time to think. I wasn't expecting this today. It's thrown me for a bit of a loop. "

I nod and swallow back my tears. Certainly not the outcome I hoped for—that would have ended with one of his soul-searing kisses, and my skirt hiked up to unladylike levels as my favorite doctor provided me with his own personal brand of examination.

Instead, he remains stock still, save for the incessant tapping of his foot. "I have another patient waiting. My last one for the day. I should go read her file."

He clears his throat, his gaze focused on his hands.

Right. Message received.

Well, Callista, you did what you set out to do. You told Keegan what you wanted .

After reading the letter he wrote for Charlie, I assumed Keegan's cold demeanor was because of a broken heart. After all, that’s what he claimed.

My mistake. The only heart bound for cracking is mine.

His heart has mended up just fine, locking out any concept of us together in the process.

Still, I don’t regret telling Keegan how I feel. It just might take a few decades to bounce back from this one.

Forcing a smile, I grab my purse. "I won't keep you. You have my number. I really hope you use it."

Do I think he will? Not a chance, considering he’s anything but thrilled to see me now. And I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t forgive me, either.

Finally, those bright blue eyes meet mine, his lips pursed into a thin line. "Take care, Callista."

I flash him a brilliant grin, hating to end on such a somber note. Am I dying inside? Absolutely, but he need never know that fact.

I brought him enough grief during our courtship. Time to spare him anymore.

“One more thing. ”

He rubs his jaw and offers a defeated shake of his head. “Yes?”

“There's a Fawlty Towers marathon on BBC, starting tonight. I know how you love the show and it’s always good for a giggle.”

He manages a smile, nodding up at me. “Is that a fact?"

"Would I lie about something as imperative as good television? I think not, Dr. Russo."

I walk to the door, but pause and turn, my hand on the handle. “No matter what, I’m so glad I knew you. You brought back my glow. You brought me back to life. Not sure how I can thank you for that, but I had hoped … anyway, it doesn’t matter now. I wish you love. Beautiful and vibrant love. I only pray I didn’t ruin the idea for you because you, sir, are born to love. You’re magical.”

Okay, that’s enough. I can’t stall here any longer, praying Keegan has a change of heart.

Not going to happen.

I swipe at the stray tears and force a smile before walking out of the office. So much for a strong facade.

For a brief moment, I wonder if he’ll change his mind and block my exit.

But when I glance back down the hallway, the office door is closed.

Just like Keegan’s heart.

Once again, I’m reminded that life doesn’t always turn out the way you plan. As I told Shawn, if this plan doesn’t work, I’ll make a new one.

Now, I just have to convince my broken heart of that fact.