26. Kane
Chapter twenty-six
Kane
T ears make my vision cloudy as I stumble into my apartment, but I’m too stubborn to let them fall. Not outside these four walls where anyone could see them.
I’m such a fool.
I want to call Liz and cry my heart out, but don’t feel like hearing the I told you so speech, especially because when she said someone would get hurt, I’m pretty sure we assumed it would be one of the guys, not me.
Yet here I am, alone and heartbroken . Flopping on the couch, I bury my head in a throw pillow.
It was futile to think I could sleep with them and not develop feelings.
Some part of me knew that all along, yet I did it anyway.
I let myself believe it was strictly curiosity, having a good time, but the truth is I wanted more time with both Blake and Jace than the one night I’d had with each, and I convinced myself I could have that without consequences because I wanted to.
Now, having ignored my common sense, I’m right back where I started when I got here. Worse, because instead of looking forward to a new job and a new town, I’m dreading having to face both. This mistake will be staring me in the face at every turn, and there’s nowhere to hide.
Hiding .
Hiding in plain sight is more like it. How did I not see there was something between them?
Was the idea of them being so comfortable during sex such a turn on that I didn’t question it.
Or maybe I just didn’t want to contemplate the answer.
But after seeing them together, hearing them confess their feelings, I feel like a fool for missing the obvious.
And to top off my embarrassment, they’re actually beautiful together.
The way they were looking into each other’s eyes, like they were the only two people in existence.
It made my heart swell even as it started to ache.
Somehow in this mess I’d been foolish enough to believe they looked at me like that too. Clearly, that was a figment of my imagination. They were probably looking at each other and I got in the way. Claimed those looks as my own instead of something they meant for each other.
The velvety pillow muffles my scream.
I’ve never been so humiliated. Or felt so alone. Not even Brian left me feeling this empty. At least he cheated on me behind my back instead of bringing me into his sordid affairs. And he never went out of his way to make me feel cherished, lulling me into a false sense of affection.
When am I going to learn?
There was never going to be a happy ending here. I should be grateful it’s over now, instead of months or years down the road, when my heart was well and truly theirs. Oh, who am I kidding? It already is theirs.
I drag my wrist across my face, wiping away the tears and snot before they trickle to my lip .
No wonder my relationships fail. For a moment there, I actually wondered if I could have them both. Stupid . And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I’m pretty sure the whole town is about to realize exactly what—whom—I’ve been doing since I got here. Brilliant .
A sharp rap on the door interrupts my pity party, and I cautiously sit up, wondering if that knock was real or imagined since no one has ever come by before. Then it sounds again, more urgent this time, and a strained voice seeps through the cracks.
“Kane? We’re here, and we only need a minute. Please, will you open the door?”
I’m not ready to face them. Not with puffy eyes, a runny nose, and enough humiliation to make my face even more pink than my hair. But living in employee housing means this place is full of employees—my co-workers—who absolutely do not need to know the depths of my depravity or delusions.
Moving swiftly to the door, I open it just wide enough that they don’t have to shout through it.
“Oh, thank God,” Blake exhales. “We know you might not be ready to hear it, but when you are, there’s a lot we have to say.” He licks his lips nervously. “About the three of us.”
Next to him, Jace shuffles from one foot to the other. “We just needed you to know that. So, please, before you tell us to fuck off, please let us tell you everything. When you’re ready.”
I’ve never seen either of them so distressed before, and despite the fact that they deserve to grovel for a lot longer, my soft heart hates seeing them this way, even after what they did.
Plus, if I let myself stew over what I saw, there’s a good chance I’ll never be ready to hear what they have to say, which means I’ll never get the answers I deserve.
I open the door wide enough for them to pass through, and with a startled glance at each other, they do .
Closing the door, I spin to find Jace’s hands shoved awkwardly in his pockets, while Blake wrings his in front of him. Keeping my face carefully blank, I walk to the couch and sit down, each of them taking a seat next to me.
Blake reaches for me but freezes his arm before he can make contact, dropping his elbows to his knees and twisting his fingers together. I arch my eyebrow, waiting.
“I uh…” he starts. “As you already know, I’m in the closet.
Or I was, until this morning. It’s not something I’m ashamed of, although I was willing to take the easy way out by not saying anything until I met the person I wanted to spend my life with.
” His eyes dart briefly to Jace, I assume since I heard them confessing their love earlier, before coming to rest on me.
Blake licks his lips and continues. “I never expected to find that person. Not here. Even after some of my friends came out, I didn’t hold out any hope that I’d find someone myself, so when Jace moved here and I had a reason to come out, I wasn’t totally ready to do it.
Plus, my friend Ryder lost his brother a few months ago, and it wasn’t until after he passed that we learned he was gay.
I’ve been sort of dreading having to tell Ryder I like men since I kept that secret because of my fear over whether he’d accept that about me, and now I come to learn he had more reason to support me than I gave him credit for. ”
“Baby.” Jace blinks back tears I didn’t know he was capable of shedding, which makes me think he either didn’t know that about Blake, or didn’t know the extent of Blake’s pain. It might make me a jerk, but it’s oddly comforting to know I’m not the only one learning new things today.
Blake wipes his own eyes with the back of his wrist before waving Jace off and continuing .
“The point is, I spent years believing silence was the best solution, so it was familiar to keep my feelings about Jace a secret. Even from you, since I thought you might not let yourself explore the feelings I could tell you had if you thought you’d be coming between us.”
Wait—Is he trying to justify sleeping with me despite loving Jace?
“I’ve been out for a long time.” Jace bounces his leg as his gaze darts from it to me.
“Out as bi, I mean, and I was always pretty open to the idea that I might one day find a man—and another man or woman—I wanted to be with. It’s not something I sought out, but if I let myself daydream about my future that’s what it looked like.
I connected with Blake right away, and I moved here knowing he could be that man.
Wanted him to be, actually.” Jace shoots Blake a sheepish smile before focusing his gaze on me.
I spin to see Blake’s reaction and find him nodding solemnly. “Great. You two are in love. Is that supposed to make me feel better about sleeping with you? You weren’t cheating on each other or anything since you were both there?”
“No, it’s…” Jace scrubs a hand down his face.
“Let me finish. I found Blake, and things were going really good. Great actually. I didn’t think they could be any better.
Then you got here, and suddenly that future daydream I’d always had in the back of my mind started to feel like it could be real.
The thing is, I’d been part of a relationship like that before.
I was the third to a married couple, and on the one hand it was perfect since there was so much affection and respect between everyone, but on the other it was awkward because they’d been together for a while and had their own routines and shit, and I didn’t know where I fit.
They did their best to make me feel like an equal, I just always felt like I was taking cues from them about how to act rather than just being myself.
Looking back, I wonder if that’s because they weren’t the right fit for me, but at that ti me I attributed my feelings to the fact that I was an addition to their relationship, not a core part of it.
Not from the start anyway. So, when you got here and Blake and I both wanted to date you, I didn’t want to put you in a spot where you might feel like an addition.
Since we’d both already had a sexual relationship with you, I convinced Blake that was a good place to start. ”
“But sex was only supposed to be the way we approached wanting more, because we thought asking you to date both of us at once might send you running the other direction.” Blake jumps in. “We never meant to imply that’s all we wanted.”
So, sex was a way to lead into me being their boyfriend?
It pains me to admit, but their logic isn’t as backward as it sounds.
If they led with dating, I would’ve scoffed and told them they were crazy.
By leading with sex, they made things casual enough to be comfortable, and opened the door for my feelings to grow.
Understanding their motives doesn’t mean I agree with them though.
They still manipulated me, however innocent their intentions may have been in their minds.
They used sex to drive my feelings and hid the fact that they were together all along.
Even though I was starting to wonder if there was a way I could avoid having to choose between them, learning of their deception, that I’m the add-on to their couple, is a hard pill to swallow.