32. Natasha
32
NATASHA
H orror grips me as I ride the elevator up to our penthouse on the top floor of Central Park Tower. I’m appalled at how far I’ve let things go with Killian.
I’m completely out of control.
And what’s worse is he’s right.
I can’t stand the thought of him dying. I don’t want to be the reason my father starts a war. And I most definitely don’t want to be the cause of Killian’s death.
I’m so far beyond the point of being unable to kill him. Now, I’m afraid it might just destroy me to watch him die.
Which is partly why my stomach is in knots as the elevator doors slide open onto our entryway.
It’s late enough, I’m confident my parents are up—likely Tatiana as well. And it wouldn’t surprise me if they’re all at breakfast by now.
With a sinking suspicion, I hope no one came to wake me. Or worse, look for me in the gym after discovering I’m not in my room.
Holding my breath, I pad across the cold marble floor, barefoot because I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Killian’s kitchen—where I left my bodysuit, mask, and shoes. I can’t begin to imagine what his staff must have made of the discarded clothes. And I wonder if it might be a more common occurrence than I would like to believe.
The thought that Killian’s undressed another woman in the kitchen releases an astonishing and unexpected wave of jealousy inside me. And I push down the confusing feeling because right now, I need to focus on getting to my room undetected.
Mercifully, the path to the stairway is completely vacant. I don’t run into a single soul until I make it to the upstairs hall. There, Lydia—one of the maids—greets me with a cheery smile. And she doesn’t even take a second glance at my outfit.
Intense relief washes through me as I finally make it to my room and close the door.
Then I glance around my room—as if expecting to find some sign that my family came looking for me in the early hours of the morning. But of course, it all looks just as I left it.
The smart thing to do would be to change and head directly to my father’s study—tell him about my failed attempt, yet again.
But I just don’t have the strength to do that.
To look my father in the eyes and lie to him yet again.
The guilt is overwhelming, now that I don’t have the heat of Killian’s passion to burn it all to ash. And what’s left is a gnawing sense of failure, inadequacy, betrayal of my family.
Falling backward onto my bed, I stare up at the ceiling of my room as I try to pull my thoughts together. To decide where I go from here. Because I can’t keep lying to my family—and I can’t keep going deeper into the labyrinth of emotions I have for Killian if, in the end, it’s never going to work out.
Tears sting the back of my eyes at that thought. And for the first time, I face the fact that there’s no way I can win this situation. But I have to pick a side. And if I don’t, one side or the other could very well end up picking for me.
Unless there’s another solution I just can’t see.
But if there is, it’s beyond me.
Tatiana on the other hand… My sister is the single smartest person I know. She can assess situations and often find a peaceful alternative. She might not be pakhansha yet, but already, my father trusts her with critical business decisions because she has a keen eye for strategy and a cool head—unlike me. But we all have our strengths.
And where I keep coming up short on solutions, she might actually have a way to handle my conundrum that I never thought of. Or at the very least, perhaps she can talk some sense into me.
So, as terrified and mortified as I am to admit what’s been going on between me and Killian, I think it’s time.
After taking a quick shower, I change my clothes and head back out of my room in search of my older sister.
I find her in the library, pouring over some thick tomb about business economics. Classic Tatiana, just enjoying a bit of light reading, I think dryly.
She doesn’t seem to hear me coming, and she doesn’t look up until I’m standing right in front of her, my lower lip trapped between my teeth as my nerve begins to falter.
But then her eyes snap up to mine, crystal blue and as sharp as the knife I keep strapped inside my combat boots. “Hey, we missed you at breakfast this morning. You sleep in? Papa said you had another late night.”
“Yeah…” I hedge, not really answering her question as I vaguely agree.
“You okay?” she asks, her dark brows pressing into a frown. “You look stressed.”
“Is it that obvious?” I joke, giving her a half-hearted smile as I plop down beside her.
Tatiana shrugs one shoulder and flips her book closed, giving me her undivided attention. “You still having issues with the…King situation?” she asks, picking her words carefully.
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that,” I say before my nerve fails me completely.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“I…well, you know Papa wants me to deal with Killian, right?” I start, easing my way into the situation.
“Right,” Tatiana says, her expression guarded.
I take a deep, fortifying breath and rush onward, spilling my confession in a quick burst. “I did make it inside Killian’s house that first night, even though I told Papa I didn’t. I tried to assassinate him,” I clarify.
Surprise registers on Tatiana’s face, followed by confusion.
Heat creeps into my cheeks as I recall my first encounter with Killian. The stranglehold he had on my throat, the way he slammed me against the wall so effortlessly. He could have killed me that night—would have killed me, I suspect, if he hadn’t decided to offer me his deal instead. And since then, he’s continued to overpower me without so much as harming a hair on my head.
It’s embarrassing to think of how easily he can stop me.
Then again, he’s an impressive specimen. A combination of strength and speed.
“He beat me,” I say finally, a knot forming in my chest.
And Tatiana’s frown returns. “I’m sorry, what does that mean?”
“I couldn’t do it, Ti,” I murmur. “He’s really good at fighting. And he’s stronger than me. He had me pinned down in a matter of minutes, all by himself—even after I took him by surprise.”
Tatiana’s eyes widen, and she releases a low whistle. “Okay you actually mean he beat you. Like he stopped you from killing him.”
“More than that. He could have killed me that first night. Hell, he nearly strangled me at one point. But then…well, he pulled off my hood and?—”
“What!” Horror flashes across her face, and we both glance quickly around the room to make sure no one else is listening in after her outburst.
“I know, I know,” I hiss. “But he made me a deal that night.”
“What kind of deal?” she asks suspiciously, her eyes narrowing.
“He would let me live—and he wouldn’t tell anyone about who I really am…if I would sleep with him.”
Stunned speechless, my sister openly gapes at me.
“He said the deal would stand indefinitely. That I could keep coming back, give it my best to kill him, as long as I agreed to…you know…if I failed.”
“That sick bastard!” Tatiana growls, fire igniting in her eyes. “The audacity—I just—I can’t believe he would have the nerve to offer such a deal,” she huffs with fury.
And that now-familiar blend of guilt and anxiety twists my gut.
“I took the deal, Ti,” I murmur, heat flooding my cheeks as the worst part of my confession comes to light. “I’ve been…sleeping with him for weeks now.”
“How am I only just hearing about this now?” my sister demands, exasperated. “I mean, obviously, I understand why you would take the deal—that’s better than dying or having him reveal your secret. But we should have gone to war the second you made it home safely from that first night. What were you thinking, staying quiet about it? Let alone trying to take Killian on again!”
“What was I supposed to say? I was embarrassed, humiliated not just for what I did to stay alive but because I failed Papa so completely. Could you imagine telling him about the deal I took? That would have been mortifying. It’s taken me this long to be able to tell you .”
“Why did it take so long?” she asks, sudden hurt and confusion flashing across her face. “You know you can tell me anything, right? I’m your sister, Natasha. I’ll always be on your side.”
“I know that,” I murmur, guilt and shame flaring wildly in my chest. “I think…well, at first, I just wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. I was confident I could kill him the second time around, and then nobody would have to know just how miserably I failed. But then…I don’t know. He’s a lot harder to kill than I ever anticipated. Which meant I ended up spending the night with him more than once. And as I got to know him better, things just…changed.”
Tatiana’s frown deepens. “Meaning?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore. Because I’m not sure I’m capable—physically or emotionally—of murdering Killian. I don’t know that I want to kill him.” I look down at my hands as I say that last part, my shame overwhelming me. “I have feelings for him, Ti,” I breathe, unable to look her in the eye anymore. “I’m falling for him,” I confess more plainly.
And a painfully long pause stretches between us.
Finally, I can’t take it any longer.
I look up.
And Tatiana’s gaze fills my stomach with lead. “We should go to Father about it,” she says, deep concern written across her face. “He needs to know.”
“Please, Ti, he can’t know. He would never forgive me.”
“Of course he would,” she scolds.
But I really don’t see Papa being okay with the fact that I slept with our enemy—multiple times—and now I can’t kill him because the sex is just that good. Well, it’s more than just the sex that draws me to Killian, but I doubt that makes the situation better in any regard.
“Please, Tatiana, don’t say anything to him. I’ll figure something out. Just…”
I just really wish my sister had a better solution. But it seems like she’s as fresh out of ideas as I am.
After a moment’s hesitation, Tatiana nods. “I won’t say anything. But it has to stop, Natasha. If you can’t kill him, then the best solution is for you to stay away from Killian. Because you’re risking our family’s well-being every time you sleep with him. And catching feelings for a King? Nothing good can come of that.”
My sister’s words cut deep. But she’s not wrong. I’ve put our family in jeopardy while I’ve been carrying on with Killian. And if no alliance, or agreement, can come from the arrangement, then it will only hurt my family to keep seeing him.
If I can’t help them end the conflict with the Kings, then the best thing I can do is stay away.
“You’re right,” I say softly, though it feels as though my heart is being ripped from my chest to agree. “I’ll stay away from Killian from now on.”