Breakaway for Love (Hockey & Love #1)

5. A Confusing Walk

5

A CONFUSING WALK

Daniel

My gaze drifts nervously to the door of our hotel's restaurant. Tables with long white tablecloths and comfortable chairs give the large room a cozy atmosphere. The space is brightly lit — a light that’s reflected in the large windows that normally overlook the picturesque forest. Tonight, they’re largely black, the only light coming from the ice rink to the right which is illuminated by pale white spotlights.

As always, my fingers tingle at the sight of the arena. There's nothing better than ice hockey! I sometimes still wake up and am blown away that I actually get to do this for a living.

At the moment, however, I have another concern. Our team was supposed to meet for dinner two minutes ago and there’s one notable absence. Who? Hovenberg, of course! I cast a cautious glance at our head coach. Edvardsen's brow is furrowed and he looks pissed, so it hasn't escaped his notice either.

Should I do something? Yesterday, I ignored the fact that Nico didn't show up, and that was a big mistake. The coach was furious, not only because of Hovenberg's no-show, but because I as the captain of this team didn’t live up to my responsibilities. Hovenberg is part of this team, and if he needs my personal invitation to dinner, it's up to me to extend it.

Not that you’d find that a chore, my subconscious mocks me.

Then a light-blond head of hair appears behind the glass door pane. Unlike the rest of us who’ve turned up to eat in track pants and hoodies, Hovenberg has changed clothes. I can't stop myself from checking him out appreciatively. The blue shirt accentuates his fair skin and I'm sure it’s going to bring out the wonderful pale blue of his eyes, although he's still too far away for me to know for certain. His dark gray pants are made of a high-quality weave and hug his narrow hips. He looks good enough to eat!

He looks a little lost, standing in the doorway as he is. His gaze roams over the full tables, and he fiddles uncertainly with the cufflinks on his perfectly tailored shirt. Before I really know what I'm doing, I’m cheerfully waving him over to our table.

Gabriel is sitting next to me, and when looks up and sees Hovenberg, he makes room for him without even stopping his conversation with Emil and Matthias.

Nico winds his way through the tables cautiously — almost as if he can't believe what’s happening. I've only ever seen flashes of this side of Nico, and I have to wonder where his usual self-confidence and arrogance disappeared to so suddenly. I look a little closer.

He’s perfectly styled, his clothes immaculate, and there’s not a hair out of place, but his eyes are shimmering slightly and there’s a touch of redness around the rims, as if he's been crying. But what would make this guy cry?

"Thank you!" Nico says, only half-turning to me as he sits down gracefully on the chair I’ve pushed out for him.

Does his voice sound a little rougher than usual? I watch him warily as he pulls his chair forward and then stares at the empty plate in front of him. He seems lost in thought and more than a touch vulnerable. I’d love to take him in my arms and never let him go.

Wait! Where did that thought come from? I can live with the fact that I find Hovenberg attractive. The fact that I jerked off thinking about him is a little embarrassing and definitely inappropriate, but it’s still a leap between that and wanting to take him in my arms to protect and care for him. For one thing, the latter has nothing — absolutely nothing — to do with sex.

I can't deny the impulse is there, though, and it’s strong. Very strong. Stronger than I ever had with my ex. Granted, Claudia is totally self-contained. She knows what she wants from life and does everything she can to make it happen, but that’s what I would have said about Nico, too. He’s just like her, isn't he? Perhaps I’m simply attracted to people who display a certain arrogance. It’s not a pleasant thought.

Not that Claudia is a bad person. She’s determined and clear-sighted, but Hovenberg? Is he a bad person? A very clear and distinct No forms in my mind. Nico is not a bad person. His family may be more than dubious, but he didn't choose them — no one can choose their family.

Is he happy? I think back to our conversation in the forest, and I watch him sitting here now, his face downcast, and the answer is also probably No .

My thoughts are interrupted by the waiters placing white bowls of wonderfully fragrant soup in front of us. Small colorful cubes of carrots are bobbing around in it along with thin strands of chives. The hot steam rising from the appetizer makes my face feel pleasantly warm.

The murmuring voices around me fall quiet as everyone tucks in. We were all ravenous it seems. That's how it always is with professional athletes — we rack up huge calorie deficits.

The rest of the dinner is just as pleasant. The food is damn tasty, and everyone chats companionably — at least when the plates are empty. Nico, though, only responds when he’s asked a direct question. For the most part, he seems introverted and quiet, but not as aloof or dismissive as usual, which is an improvement.

When we've all eaten our fill, we hang out in the gym for a while. Luckily, it contains more than just exercise machines. There's a pool table, table soccer, and table tennis which suits this group of competitive young people perfectly.

The games get loud quickly. Very loud, in fact. Banter flies back and forth between the guys and there’s laughter, too, but there’s still a slight buzz of tension in the room. After dinner, Coach announced that he’s organized a game against the Terenberg Capitals for tomorrow. It’s very unusual for a national team to play a real game so close to the Olympics, but I have the feeling he wanted to test our mettle.

Technically, we should beat the Caps easily, especially since their best offensive line is on our Olympic team. But after the rocky start we had ...

My eyes are drawn to the open door of the gym, and through it, I see a guy heavily bundled up in winter gear. I’m not the only one to notice him either.

"Hey Hovenberg," Gabriel calls out loudly. "Planning a polar expedition?"

His answer is almost lost in the general laughter, so "... stretch my legs," is all I pick up.

When he left the gym earlier, I thought he was just going to the bathroom. I expected him to come back. Clearly, he has other plans. I jump up.

"You know what? I think I’ll come along!" I announce.

Hovenberg stares at me, flabbergasted. I can't blame him. I’m just as surprised as he is, and some of our teammates are giving me weird looks, too. I don't care. They can think what they like. This is my chance to have a quiet talk with him and find out what’s really going on with him.

Right, like that's your only motivation , my subconscious says snarkily. I suppose you can’t lie to yourself, can you?

But not even the mocking voice inside me can change the fact that I can't wait to spend time alone with Nico. Luckily, he waits for me while I grab my jacket from my room.

When we finally step outside through the hotel's automatic doors, it feels like we're walking into a wall of ice-cold air. For a moment, it takes my breath away. I must have reflexively inhaled too deeply and I cough. Nico gives me a wry look.

“Call yourself an ice hockey player?”

It sounds very much like he’s teasing me. Has the world turned upside down? But as I’m still coughing fit to bust, I can’t answer him. Hovenberg comes to a halt and peers at me. Is that concern in his eyes?

He pulls a dark gray beanie out of his jacket pocket and hands it to me. Somewhat surprised, I accept it, then gratefully put it on. I’d completely forgotten that a hat is essential in Terenberg at this time of year.

“I live in Los Angeles,” I finally gasp out as my lungs settle down.

Nico grins wryly, and carries on walking, but I think I hear a “wuss” over the crunch of his footsteps. He sounds almost ... playful.

When I catch up with him, he’s says, “You’d never survive in Toronto.”

I just grin broadly at him. This relaxed, humorous side to Nico is refreshing, and so different from the controlled side I’m used to.

I ignore his jibe and ask, "Where are we going, anyway?"

I'm sure I wouldn't have a problem with the weather in Toronto. I love the winter and the cold, they’re much better than the perpetual heat in the City of Angels. My excuse for being shocked by the cold is because I was just so distracted when I left the hotel I forgot where I was for a moment.

Alarm bells shrill in the back of my head at the reason for that, but I ignore them.

"I don't know," Hovenberg replies. I think I detect a shrug, but the movement is barely perceptible through his dark blue puffer jacket.

"You said you wanted to go for a walk." I pretend to be upset and Hovenberg laughs heartily.

Actually laughs!

It’s the most beautiful sound I’ve heard in a long time. He seems so free. Something I’ve never seen in him in all the years we’ve known each other. At dinner he was so shy, now he seems relaxed. So, I'm doubly glad of my spontaneous decision to go on a walk with him. But I’m still curious about what happened today. What changed things?

Nico

I can't believe that I’m taking a walk with Daniel Miller, my schoolboy nemesis, a man from the family my own have been at odds with for generations. And we're having fun together!

You're better than that Miller boy! My father's voice echoes through my head just as it did throughout my childhood.

His top priority was that I always did better than Daniel. Whether that might be scoring higher in my math homework or more goals on the ice. Maybe that's what Vincent saw — the competition. Of course, I was always focused on Miller Junior; he was the standard by which I was constantly measured. My entire life centered around being better than he was, and that way, I’d prove the Hovenbergs were better than the Millers.

Now there’s this … togetherness all of a sudden. My instinct is to nip it in the bud, close myself off like always, but I can't. Not today. Not after all that’s happened. Since those first terrible training sessions and the sledge hockey game I ditched, something’s changed.

During the impromptu game with the kids on the pond, we found a way to play together, to tune into each other, and then there was Daniel's offer of friendship. I know I didn’t accept it — could not accept it — but even though he eventually withdrew it, it was still a big deal to me.

Not that it stopped there. That game on the pond set us up for the perfect afternoon training session, and I started to be accepted as part of the team. Not to mention my phone call with Vincent.

I don’t have the strength to keep everyone at arm’s length today. My body and mind feel drained, and yet they’re lighter than ever before.

When I stay silent, Miller does too. The snow crunches under our feet as we walk on. There’s something unbelievably familiar about walking through the snow-covered landscape in such harmony. And at the same time, the silence surrounding us makes it seem as if we’re on some remote lunar landscape, as if we’re alone on the planet.

The feeling is so liberating. All the crap is blown away. It doesn't matter who Daniel or I am any more. Who our families are. We're just teammates — maybe even budding friends in a bubble of our own.

After a while, I turn onto a wide forest track. We’re leaving the lights of the city behind, and with every step we take, the stars in the sky shine brighter. It’s simply wonderful! Totally content, I inhale in the ice-cold air. I love the winter and snow.

We’ve been walking for about ten minutes when Miller shivers violently. He breaks the silence between us with a muttered curse and jams his hands into his jacket pockets.

"Cold?" I ask, as if that weren't obvious.

"I left my gloves at the hotel," Daniel grumbles.

I have to laugh. "So, my hat isn't enough. I should have brought gloves for you as well?"

Why is it suddenly so easy to get a rise out of him?

His only response is another mumble. I shake my head, amused. He's too cute when he's grumpy like that!

"Give me your hand," I say with an exaggerated sigh.

Daniel's head snaps towards me and he’s wide-eyed with surprise. I hold my hand out to him palm up. It takes a moment, but then he pulls one hand out of his jacket pocket. As soon as his touches mine, I place my other hand over the top of his ice-cold one.

Briefly, I hold my breath so I don't gasp. It was a mistake offering him my hand, but the words were out of my mouth before I’d realized what I was doing. It was a reflex — something I've done for my mother a million times.

This, however, could not be more different to warming my mother's hand. Electricity flashes through my body just as it did at noon today at the pond. A tingling sensation spreads from where our hands touch right down to my very toes. It's an energy that makes my whole body vibrate. I feel more alive than ever.

I have no idea what all this is about, or what I am supposed to do about it, so, to take my mind off my racing thoughts, I clear my throat and I squeeze out a few words. "Now you know my secret. Now you know why I don't need gloves."

My voice sounds strangely rough as I rub Daniel's ice-cold fingers with my perma-hot hands — something I should not be doing. It would be best if I dropped his hand like a hot potato — although in this case, his “potato” feels half frozen. But that would not only be as rude as hell, it honestly feels way too good having his fingers between mine. I can't get enough of it.

That's when I realize something else. At some point during the last few minutes, we must have stopped walking. A moment ago, we were walking side by side totally normally — just two guys getting some fresh air. Now, we’re holding hands in a winter wonderland under a starry sky.

My brain is threatening to short-circuit. How did I get myself into this? And more to the point, how do I get out of it?

Do you even want to get out of it? The little angel on my shoulder pipes up. I can’t help but admit that the answer might be No .

Daniel is still staring at me with wide eyes. He doesn’t seem startled, though. He looks more like someone who’s keeping as still as possible so they don’t scare away a timid animal. The look suits him. He’s way more attractive than is good for him.

Or for you, says the little devil cheekily. This time, though, the devil’s words make me smile.

The white clouds that our breath makes in the chill air mingle between us, the stars twinkle above us, and there’s a quiet rustling coming from snow around us. It’s the most romantic moment I’ve ever experienced. If a shooting star were to pierce the sky right now it would be perfect. But, I remind myself, we’re not in a Disney film.

All of a sudden, my body takes on a life of its own and I lean in towards Daniel.

What are you doing? the shrill voice in my head shouts. And I have no idea. My body is simply refusing to obey me.

There’s barely an inch between my lips and Daniel’s before I manage to stop myself.

Time seems to stand still, our bodies frozen in place. The silence around us is so complete, we’ve even stopped breathing. But this isn’t the kind of silence that gently envelops us — it’s an ominous silence, a calm before a storm.

My hands have also stopped rubbing Daniel's and I hold his slightly warmer fingers loosely between mine. The tingling feeling has changed, too. It’s not energizing. Instead, it’s like nettle rash. I’m starting to panic, feeling trapped, even though I can't move, can't free myself. I’m frozen in place.

The cry of an owl suddenly pierces the silence and breaks the spell . Startled, I drop Miller's hand. I’m about to step back when his free hand, the ice-cold one he's had in his pocket, lands on the back of my neck. A shiver chases through my body, and not solely because of the cold. I can't believe I'm being touched like this by a man. Being touched by Daniel!

Fear wars with desire inside me. I want this, and more, but I have to leave.

Then gentle lips touch mine. The greedy whimper I make takes me by surprise. Daniel slides his full lips over mine again and again, and I can't help myself. I give in to him completely — it’s heaven on earth.

The contrast between his cold hand on my neck and the loving caress of his soft lips is enough to make me lose my mind. My cock was rock hard at the first touch of Daniel's lips, and his desire for me makes me brave.

My tongue flicks out, testing. And … oh damn! Daniel's lips still taste of the fruity tea he was sipping after dinner. I can't get enough of it, and my tongue starts to explore. He must like what I'm doing because he moans loudly, and before I know what’s happening, his second hand is on my back pulling me even closer.

I gasp as I feel Daniel's hard muscles and his equally hard cock against mine. He’s hard! For me! I can hardly believe it, but it is, without doubt, the best feeling I’ve ever experienced!

Daniel knows what he's doing, too. While I'm still processing the feeling of having a man pressed against me like this, he’s devouring my mouth. As his tongue dances around mine, a tremor runs through my body that definitely has nothing to do with the cold. I'm hot, unbelievably hot!

A growl erupts from me — a sound I've never made before, even in my imaginative jackoff sessions. Maybe because I’ve never been this turned-on before.

My first kiss!

My first real kiss!

With a man!

I couldn't avoid kissing my longtime girlfriend Penelope forever, but it was hardly ever more than a peck on the mouth, but I’ve never kissed a man. Let alone done more.

The wild dance of our tongues takes me somewhere else. Daniel's warmth and his hardness against me is the perfect storm. Unconsciously, my hips rock so that my cock rubs deliciously over his. My balls start to tingle and … shit … it takes me a moment to realize what’s happening.

Oh my god, I think I’m about to come!

Startled, I take a step back. It takes everything I have to tear myself out of Daniel’s arms — arms that held me so securely. My breath is ragged as I look at Daniel. His full lips are already swollen from our kiss. His eyes seem glassy, his pupils dilated. My hat has been knocked askew on his head. Did I do that? I have no idea what my hands have been doing for the last few minutes.

For a moment, we face each other. Then my teammate's lips twist into a lascivious grin. The invitation is obvious. He wants more than a kiss. He looks as if he’d like to eat me up on the spot.

The panic that gave way to lust returns with full force. My legs start to wobble and I feel like I can’t breathe.

I can't do this! I cannot be like this! I must not give in to this. It would destroy everything!

I turn on my heel and run back down the forest track as fast as my legs will carry me.

What have I done?

Daniel

I watch Nico go. His light blond hair shines almost white in the moonlight.

What just happened?

It was one of the hottest experiences of my life, and now ...

I need a moment to gather my thoughts. Then I call Nico's name. Once, twice, once more. But he doesn't hear me, or doesn't want to hear me. I give up, dispirited.

My gaze drifts to the stars above me. What even was that? I send my question into the night. There’s only silence.

Suddenly I feel the cold again. My hands are like ice and my right ear feels almost numb. I quickly adjust the beanie, and when my fingers touch the soft material, I remember what I have on my head. My hand runs over it until my fingers reach my lips, still swollen from our unbelievably hot kiss.

Nico was different tonight. He seemed vulnerable at dinner, but loosened up during our walk. I think back to our conversation — how we bantered as if we were friends, how he lent me his hat because I was in such a rush to join him for a walk, I forgot mine.

Why were you in such a hurry to get to Nico? my subconscious wants to know.

I refuse to answer right now. Instead, I think about how he held out his hand to me. I didn't know what he wanted from me at first, it was so surreal. Why would Hovenberg hold my hand in the middle of a forest? I couldn't make sense of it. But I trusted him enough to simply do as he asked.

I was quite disappointed when he only wanted to warm up my hand. But a few seconds later, everything changed. All of a sudden, he leaned forward and I held my breath. The only thought in my head was, Does he really want to kiss me? Then I saw him almost back out, and I wasn’t going to let that happen. My hand on his neck was enough to change his mind.

Since my shower after this afternoon’s training session, my fantasies of Nico hadn’t left my head. So, when he leaned in to kiss me, he made my head spin. I haven't heard any rumors that Nico is into men … like me. What are the chances? But with his lips so close to mine, I couldn't help myself. I had to pull him to me before he ran away. I had to kiss him. Had to taste him. And he tasted so damn good! Did he brush his teeth after dinner? I definitely tasted peppermint. Other than that, he tasted of heat and all him.

It was the best kiss of my life! And Nico liked it too, I'm sure of it. We were pressed too close for me to miss his obvious erection. Not that he was trying to hide it.

So why did he run? Without a word and looking so frightened. Why?

I look up at the stars again hoping for answers. Again, they stay silent.

Sighing, I make my way back to the hotel. I’m alone, and the forest is dark and lonely.

What have I done?

When I arrive for breakfast the next morning, I scan the large room. Gabriel is joking around with Juri, Emil, and Matthias — our second line — but my gaze moves on. Then I find him. There’s no mistaking that light mop of hair.

Nico is sitting with Konstantin, one of our goalies, at a table for two by the window. They’re clearly deep in conversation and something jolts inside. My mood darkens.

Am I jealous? Surely not!

As team captain, I should be happy that Hovenberg has finally relaxed — that he’s getting along with the guys at last. But if I'm honest, I’d happily drag Konstantin off his chair and take his place. I’m not like that, though. I stalk to the buffet, listlessly load my plate, and drop onto the seat next to Gabriel.

"What’s got into you?" Gabriel's voice snaps me out of my thoughts, and I stare into the worried faces of the four guys around my table.

"Nothing," I say, and start shoveling food into my mouth without tasting a thing. Hopefully, it's clear I’m not in a chatty mood.

A piercing whistle echoes through the room and I swivel to see who is making such a racket. My lips curl into an involuntary grin when I see who the whistle was aimed at. My best friend and agent, Elisabeth, has just entered the dining room. She was attractive back in school, but over the last few years she’s become beautiful. Black, knee-high boots make her snow-white wool coat look even brighter and contrasts dramatically with her long, curly red hair. Her delicate face wears an open smile as she moves over to our table and stretches out her arms to me.

I jump up to accept Elisabeth’s hug, and if I hold her a little longer and squeeze tighter than normal, that's just a coincidence, right? The whistles and comments my teammates aim at us, Elisabeth deflects with a raised middle finger. I join in the laughter. She drops into the chair next to me, and in a split second, a waiter is at her side, only too happy to take her espresso order.

While she jokes with the waiter, my gaze flicks across the room — in Nico's direction — purely by chance, obviously. He’s staring at me and his expression clouds over. When our eyes meet, he turns away and jabs at his fruit salad. He’s clearly annoyed, but I’m not sure why. Nico knows Elisabeth. We all went to the same school. He knows that Elisabeth is my best friend and married to my other best friend Benjamin. Happily married. Okay, so he may not know that detail, but still … If he’s jealous it’s hardly fair — he was the one who ran off yesterday after our kiss.

What should I make of it?

"Are you up for today?" Elisabeth asks, turning her attention back to me.

It takes me a moment to figure out what she's talking about. Then it dawns on me. Shit! The game against the Terenberg Capitals is this afternoon. That's what I should be concentrating on, not trying to figure out what's going on in Nico's mind! Although ... he is one of my teammates, and as captain it's my job to know where his head is at. Those kinds of things are central to our success!

Keep telling yourself that, the voice inside me sneers.

I must have hesitated too long, because for a moment, the intelligent, amber eyes of my best friend leave me and search the room. They land decisively on a certain blond mop of hair, and her smile widens almost imperceptibly. Elisabeth never misses a beat. She's one of the smartest people I've ever met, and I'm so lucky to call her my friend and agent.

"Of course we're ready," I state in a playfully indignant tone.

I must sound relatively convincing because all the guys around us immediately add their loud affirmations. I exhale deeply. Elisabeth smiles graciously as she listens to the chatter that flares up around the table, but her attention doesn’t leave me for a moment. I feel like a bug under a microscope.

I have to get out of here!

"Better get ready for practice," I mutter before hurriedly leaving the hall.

Behind me, someone else is storming out of the dining room. I assume it’s Elisabeth following me for a moment, but there’s no clacking of heels. Before I can turn around to see who it is, a strong arm yanks me into the narrow passageway that leads to the restrooms, just out of sight of the dining room door. Then I’m pushed against the wall by a hard body.

"What did you tell her?" snarls Hovenberg's voice angrily in my ear.

My body doesn’t know how to react. My shoulders and muscles have instinctively tensed ready to throw my attacker off me. My cock, however, is rock hard. I might not have consciously known who was behind me, but my subconscious was way ahead. Perhaps the woody-spicy smell of Nico’s cologne gave him away.

Instead of an answer, I press my mouth to his lips.