Breakdown (Hystoria #4)

1. Chapter One

Chapter One

Katie

Harper : Are you coming to Jake’s show on Thursday?

I stare at the words on my phone’s screen and sigh, a heavy weight settling on my heart as I contemplate them. Leaning back in my chair I lay my head back and stare at the bleak ceiling of my kitchen. I got her message yesterday before work, and ever since then I’ve racked my brain, but I still don’t know how to answer her.

Jake is her brother and part of the band ‘Hystoria’ - a pretty big name in the rock world nowadays. After some drama last year, they’ve decided on a hiatus and Jake has jumped at the opportunity to build a solo career. From what I’m hearing, it’s going pretty well, so well that he’s now on tour and coming to a city close to Windmeadows, Hystoria’s hometown .

“What’s up?”

I turn my head as my little brother trudges into the room, rubbing his eyes with his mouth agape in a wide yawn. He falls into the chair opposite me and reaches for the cereals. I shake my head at him with a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.

Like most seventeen-year-old boys, Luke is not a morning person. His hair sticks out in all directions and his eyes keep falling closed as he fights sleep off. I’d feel sorry for him if it weren’t for my suspicion that he stays up until the early morning hours to game.

Without a word, I get up and hand him a bowl before I pour myself another cup of coffee and grab the milk out of the fridge before I sit down again.

“Did you sleep well?”

I ignore his question and hand the bowl to him. He groans in response and reaches for my mug. “Nope, that’s mine.” I swat his hand away. “It’s bad enough that you already drink the stuff. Get your own cup.”

“So cruel,” he grumbles but unfolds his lanky body from the chair to get up. “I need to be awake for school. And you’re going to sleep anyway, why do you need coffee?”

I take a sip of the mediocre drink to avoid an answer. If I were honest, I’d tell him that this me is clinging to the last shred of normalcy I have. Working night shifts throws my whole life out of whack, and drinking a coffee while Luke has breakfast before he’s off to school is the only portion of the day that makes me feel like a regular person. I’m so wiped after work that no amount of caffeine would be able to stop me from falling asleep later, anyway .

“How was work? Are the new dancers settling in?” He sits back down and alternates between shoveling cereal into his mouth and drinking coffee, grimacing with each sip.

I grimace for another reason. Temptation, the strip club where I work as a bartender, recently hired two new dancers.

“I’m not privy to the locker room talk, but rumor has it that some of the older girls are making it difficult for them,” I tell him with a sigh. I know the women working at Temptation are constantly worried about getting replaced with someone younger, sexier, and more flexible, but from what I’m hearing, they’re taking it too far.

“Is that what has you sighing like the weight of the world is on your shoulders?” He looks over the rim of his cup as he sips his coffee, visibly schooling his face to keep his disgusted reaction at the bitterness of it from showing. I look at him confused and he nods toward my phone. “Or are you still wondering what to answer Harper?”

“It’s Harper’s text,” I confirm with a heavy sigh and take another sip of my coffee. “I’m not sure I want to go.”

“Why?” he asks me with a full mouth, looking at me surprised. “It’s been ages since you last saw them.”

That’s the thing, though; I’ve seen Harper around since she moved back to Windmeadows. Hell, we basically run into each other whenever I’m at Flour Power, my friend Phoebe’s bakery, which is every week.

The three of us used to be such a tight-knit group back in high school and we were best friends with the band members of Hystoria. They often invited us to their band practices, almost daily. We’d be the first ones to hear their new songs and learn about their next shows, where we’d stand in the first row and cheer for them .

Harper would agonize over her then-unfulfilled crush on Simon, their bass player, and I’d swoon over my best friend Pax, their drummer, while Phoebe listened to us rave about them with slight amusement and a hint of pity in her eyes.

Sometimes Eve would join us. She was Cole’s best friend and while she never joined us with swooning, I’m pretty sure she had a crush on him back then as well. But a few months before graduation, she suddenly fell from the face of the earth. Nobody knew where she was. Rumors made the rounds that her parents kicked her out, and the whole town was speculating about their reason. Some claimed she was prostituting herself, although anyone who knew Eve was aware that’s something she’d never do. Others said she was kidnapped, maybe trafficked, others wondered if she was an addict. The speculations were endless, Windmeadows is a small town with a lot of bored people after all.

None of us know what exactly happened to Eve, but from what Harper told me she is very successful in the music industry now and happily coupled up with Cole. We weren’t close, but I’m really happy for her. If the way he looked at her back then was any indication, he’d move heaven and earth for her.

Harper and I bonded over our unrequited crushes for the band members, right until Si went ahead and fucked it up. Oh boy, I’ve never seen Harper so angry. From that day on, she completely ignored him and whenever he was around her, he looked like a kicked puppy. Then we graduated, after which both of us moved to different cities for college and Phoebe stayed in Windmeadows.

But that was when we were teenagers. I’m pretty sure at this point the guys won’t even remember me anymore. I’ll be one of the many names and faces of their past, easily forgotten now that their shows fill stadiums.

“I have to work,” I lie and wave him off, hiding my face behind my coffee mug, but he shakes his head at me disapprovingly.

“Liar, liar, pants on fire.” A toothy grin spreads on his face. “And not even a good one at that. You always have the first Thursday of the month off.”

Damn, he’s got me there. I could fake a work emergency, but the way he looks at me makes me halt.

“Why are you so interested anyway?” I cock my head and raise my eyebrows, curiosity piqued.

His answer is prefaced by the same toothy smile he already used to plaster on his face when he was a child and asked for something he knew we wouldn’t want to give to him. “I mean… I could maybe… accompany you?”

I raise my eyebrow at him. Since when does he listen to Hystoria or Jake’s solo music? Did I miss something? Last I checked he’s more of a country listener, not rock music.

“Please?” He looks at me with the biggest puppy eyes. “Hystoria is like the shit at school. Our teachers always talk about them, and nobody got tickets because the show was sold out so quickly. Everyone at school is going to be so jealous if I can go!”

I search his face. He isn’t one of the unpopular kids, but he’s not popular either, so I can understand him wanting to brag a bit. And the wider his eyes grow, the fewer reasons I can find for telling him ‘no.’ He looks too excited to see Jake.

My shoulders sag and I already know I’m going to give in. And he knows it too, judging by the way his smile widens .

As if I’d pass up on spending time with him. After all, he’s going to graduate and go off to university soon and we won’t be able to spend much time together. God, when did that happen? One moment he clung to my hips at our parent's funeral, half as tall as me and now he’s taller than me and almost the age I was when they died.

College. Another worry that’s nagging at the back of my mind, but I firmly push it back into the box it popped out of. I’m not stressing about that today.

“All right,” I finally concede. “Let me ask Harper if I can bring a plus one, okay? I’ll text you when she answers.”

“You’re the best!” He jumps up from his seat and hurries around the table to hug me excitedly and presses a quick kiss on my cheek before he runs out of the kitchen, flinging the door closed behind him as he hurries to catch his bus to school. Pushing out a deep sigh, I get up and clear the table, waving at him out of the window as he runs to the bus stop.

Then I sink back into my chair, my eyes catching on our family picture hanging right next to the door. It’s still swinging from left to right slightly, thanks to the force of the door slamming shut. Gulping, I stand right up again to straighten it, letting my fingers rest on the wooden frame.

The grief comes in waves. It’s at the back of my mind always, gentle waves breaching the surface, then suddenly they come at me with the force of a tsunami and grief threatens to drown me. There’s no lifeline, nothing and no one to hold onto. I can only let it sweep me along, hoping to be washed to the shore someday in one piece before drowning; only to wait until it happens again.

“If you stare at your phone any longer it’s probably going to combust,” Phoebe teases me as she takes a seat at my table. Well, her table, as it’s standing in her bakery. “Which would suck because I like my bakery without ashes and burn marks. Now, to what do I owe the honor?”

It’s not my usual day or time to hang out at Flour Power, but today I woke up early and couldn’t fall asleep again. Too many thoughts were running through my head keeping me awake.

“I just couldn’t wait to see your face.” I grin and wink at her and she rolls her eyes. She hates it when I deflect and as of now, she’s the only person to ever see through my bullshit.

“Let me guess, you’re still thinking about getting a second job to pay for Luke’s tuition? Do you need me to talk some sense into you? You’ve been working without a break for years now; if you even start applying, I’m tying you to a chair.”

“For the record, I am still thinking about it, but for now I was able to increase my hours at Temptation,” I admit and raise my eyebrow at her in a challenge. What is she going to do about it?

But I’m not here to discuss my working hours and lack of money. I fidget with the mug in my hands, casting my eyes towards the table. Phoebe recognizes the sudden switch in my mood and scoots her chair closer, reaching for my hand, taking it in hers, and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“What’s going on?” she asks worriedly, and I take a deep breath.

“I just wish they could see it,” I tell her with a shaky voice, a sting forming behind my eyes and a knot forming in my throat. The waves of pain are starting to roll in higher and higher, and I clutch onto her hand.

“You’re going to have to elaborate, Love,” she says quietly, and I swallow past the lump in my throat.

“Luke’s graduation.” I sniff and try to blink the wetness in my eyes away. “It just hit me today.”

The tears overspill and I wipe them away angrily. “Our parents won’t see him graduate. He won’t see their cheering faces when he receives his diploma. Hell, I can’t even fucking afford a proper graduation present, and I’ll have to make up the time I’m taking off for his ceremony.” I bite the inside of my cheek to keep more tears at bay. “And it’s just so fucking unfair. ”

Phoebe looks at me with glassy eyes, pulls me to a stand, and guides me to her office. And I’m so damn thankful, because now that I’m talking, the overwhelming wave of emotions is making it hard to breathe.

“They should be here,” I sniff as she pushes me onto a chair. “Mom should buzz around him in his graduation robe, trying to get any lint off and fixing his hair, and Dad should jump around with his camera trying to capture each moment of his big day.” I see Phoebe wipe at her eyes and lock my gaze onto the hideous painting over her desk because if I see her cry, too, I’m going to fucking lose it.

“Those are their tasks,” I continue and bite the inside of my cheek, but the pain doesn’t help with holding back my tears at all. “They are the ones who should have researched colleges with him and driven there with him to check them out. They should have held his hand as he opened the acceptance letters and thrown him a party when he got into his dream school.” I clear my throat. “And I know it’s not their fault that a drunk driver crashed into them but I’m just so damn angry, Phoebe.” I lift my head and blink, unsuccessfully willing the tears back into my eyes as I stare at the ceiling. “I’m so angry they’re gone.”

“I’m so sorry, Katie.” Phoebe squeezes my hand tightly.

“It’s so fucking unfair,” I press out again before I go back to biting the inside of my cheek.

“It is.” I gulp, thankful she’s not one of those people preaching shit like ‘everything happens for a reason.’ It’s unbelievable how many people thought those would be comforting words right after they passed.

She rubs soothing circles along my back until the sting behind my eyes slowly dissipates. The pain in my chest, though, is another story. It’s never going away. No matter how hard I try, it’s here to stay. No amount of therapy, no amount of ‘feeling my feelings’ is ever going to change that I miss my parents like crazy, or that my heart hurts for Luke for having to hit milestones like his graduation without them being there.

“Can I say something? Or do you just need to… feel a bit?” She crouches down in front of me and takes both of my hands into hers.

I nod at her to go ahead.

“You’re doing a good job, Katie,” she says gently, softly rubbing the back of my hands with her thumbs. My eyes jump up to meet hers. “With all the worrying about Luke, I feel like you’re sometimes forgetting that you’ve lost your parents, too.” I swallow hard. My throat is starting to hurt. “My heart ached for you when you had to drop out of college to come back to Windmeadows and take care of Luke but I’m in awe of how you handled it without losing yourself. You stepped right in and protected him when you could have wallowed in self-pity and given up. Instead, you pushed through.”

“I had to,” I choke out, but she shakes her head.

“Don’t belittle yourself, Katie. I know you had no relatives to step in, but the fact that you basically halted your own life so he wouldn’t go to foster care, is a testament to your parents. You’re doing a wonderful job raising Luke instead of just providing for him. Without you, he might not even be in a position to graduate. Who knows?” she asks with a shrug. “Luckily, not Luke.” She squeezes my hands. “Your parents would be incredibly proud of you.”

And with that, the dam breaks. It feels like all the weight resting on my shoulders is pressing down until I fall apart, and I just come undone, sobbing in Phoebe’s office as she tries to comfort me.

I know they would be. They were proud of everything we did, and they were especially proud of how Luke and I loved each other as siblings. But hearing it from someone else just hits differently.

“And Luke doesn’t give a fuck about a graduation present,” she adds once I’ve calmed down and pokes my shoulder. “He knows how much you’re doing for him already.”

I know the word ‘sacrificing’ was on the tip of her tongue, but she swallowed it at the last moment. I’ve never considered being here for Luke a sacrifice and she knows I wouldn’t tolerate her calling it that. We’ve had this discussion a few times already.

“I still feel shitty about it,” I sob as I get up and take a few steps to the mirror hanging beside her office door, having a good look at myself. God, I look like a mess. “I mean, my parents got me a car for my graduation.”

“The shitty little Toyota you’re still driving,” she says teasingly and nods.

“Don’t call my car shitty! It still works perfectly fine and over the years even the weird turquoise has grown on me.” I’m convinced that my parents got the car for cheap because no one wanted a car with that color. I smile as I remember Mom joking, “At least it’s so atrocious, no one will steal it.” They were looking forward to me driving around with it, especially for home visits from university.

“At least I always recognize her immediately in parking lots.” I turn back to the mirror and try to clean up my face. My eyes are puffy and red, I’m just glad I didn’t put any makeup on yet. “And even if I wanted to, how would I afford a new one when you’re always on my ass about not getting a second job?”

“I know, I know,” she says, her hands waving through the air in a pacifying gesture. “I’m just teasing you.”

“Thank you,” I say, and she looks at me confused and I clear my throat, fixing my eyes on the small mole under my eye in my mirror image. “Not for teasing me, but for… letting me word vomit. And what you said.” I see blood creep into my cheeks. I’m not good with sharing feelings and this was very much out of character. I’m just glad she didn’t run for the hills, the way I always want to when someone cries, because I’m not great at dealing with other people’s emotions.

“You’re welcome.” She steps closer and squeezes my shoulder. “You’re amazing and I think you don’t realize it most of the time. I’m really glad you’re my friend.”

“I’m really glad you’re my friend, too.” My eyes finally meet hers in the mirror, and a small smile creeps onto my puffy face .

She turns around and rummages for something in her drawers. “Anyway, are you coming to the show tonight? Harper told me to kick your ass and make you agree to come. Let me quote her, 'It’s good to see you all at Flour Power, but I need a change of scenery when I hang out with you.’”

I check my phone to see if she’s answered me, a notification for an unread message blinks on my screen, and I quickly tap it to open it.

Harper : Of course. We can’t wait to see him again!

‘We.’ It’s taking some time to get used to her speaking for herself and Simon. I’m so glad she got her teen-crush-happy-ending years later. At least one of our crushes wasn’t unrequited, even though it took the two of them years to pull their heads out of their asses. Those two are made for each other, and I’m glad they finally see it.

Sometimes it makes me wonder… No, not going there. I shake my head. I’m not going to jump from an emotional breakdown onto a rollercoaster of ‘what ifs.’ There’s plenty of time to do that when I have less on my plate and more mental capacity to feel bad.

“Katie?”

“Yeah, sorry.” I quickly reply with a thumbs-up emoji and lock my phone, sliding it back into the pocket of my jeans where half of it hangs out because those things are tiny. “Yeah. Looks like Luke and I will be there tonight.”

“Awesome,” she says with a grin and slides the drawer she was rummaging in closed. I have no idea what she was looking for in there, but she seems to have found it. “You’re going to have such a great time! Luke can drive you home which means we can drink!” The mischievous grin on her face makes me actually fear her .

“No thanks,” I tell her. “I don’t need to drink alcohol to have fun.” Plus, if you work at a bar, you’re not really in the mood for alcohol in your private life; at least I’m not. In fact, the scent of beer makes me gag if I smell it anywhere outside of Temptation.

The look on her face tells me she doesn’t believe me.

“Sure, party pooper. I bet Luke would still be thrilled if you let him drive.”

I look at her, deadpan. “I can do that as well without having any alcohol.”

“You wouldn’t, though.” Her tone turns solemn again. I hate it when she’s right. I don’t like the thought of Luke behind the wheel, but I think given my context when it comes to car crashes, that’s understandable. “Try to get used to it, Katie. In a few months, he’s off to college, probably driving every day. Better to let him get the experience now, where he can practice and be more confident in his driving, than throw him into the cold water.”

Did I mention that I hate it when she’s right? Still, the thought of Luke sitting behind the wheel makes the on my neck stand up and cold shivers run down my spine, blood turning ice cold. After our parent's funeral, it took weeks for me to attempt to drive and it took months until Luke wouldn’t cry when we drove somewhere. We had to push through because the public transportation in Windmeadows is only barely existent and even though ours went crashing down around us, life went on.

“Maybe,” I say noncommittally and bite my lip.