Breaking Through the Past (Espen Jetties #3)

3. Jansen

3

JANSEN

And I was bored. Again. Because I was alone and didn’t know what to do with myself.

Yesterday with Stephen was great. I enjoyed the game. It was so different being in the crowd, cheering for those playing, than being the one in the game. I thrived on the excitement of those around me. Cheered with them when the Emperors did well. It was something I wanted to do again.

But it wasn’t just the crowd and the feel of being part of it. It was Stephen too. He wasn’t like my other friends. Maybe it was because he was older, though I still didn’t consider him old. So what if he was sixteen years older than me? When I was with him, it felt like we were much closer in age.

It was just a number, right? No reason to care about the age of the person I was hanging out with.

Would it be weird if I asked him to hang out again? I mean, there were people yesterday who saw me with him. It wasn’t like I could fly under the radar in a sea of Espen fans, even if they were there to watch the Emperors and not the Jetties. I had an Emperors hat on, thinking it would help me blend in. It did not.

I wasn’t someone who cared what others thought of me. At least in terms of my personal relationships. Who I was friends with was my business. Same with who I dated. That didn’t mean I could go out and do all kinds of wild shit. It always had a way of working back to the Jetties. Management breathing down my neck wasn’t something I needed.

My thoughts went to Knox. Leslie Knoxton was our goalie and, fuck, was he talented. Last season he decided to drink and fight as much as he helped us win games. By the end of the season, he was calming down, more focused, driven. Then at the parade after we won the Cup, he was drinking again. I couldn’t chastise him. I was sure Devon and others did that enough.

Deciding I needed to check in with him, I reached for my phone where it sat on the table next to the couch and pulled up his contact information. The phone rang twice before I heard a muffled hello.

“Knox?”

“Kenna, what’s going on?” There was rustling in the background.

“Are you in bed? It’s almost noon and you’re only in Pittsburgh, not another time zone.”

At the end of June, he let me know he was heading home for the summer. A lot of hockey players did. Knox was here last offseason though. He wanted a break this year, to get away, and thought it might help with things. His family lived close to Pittsburgh, and Knox had a condo in the city. He got his trainers lined up and was working with a few guys from another team who were also there.

“It’s Sunday,” he grumbled. “We’re supposed to be in bed after a night out.”

“Um, no. You might be but I’m not. I was a good boy and didn’t go clubbing.”

“Yeah, well, my sister decided she wanted to go out and I was going to be her muscle.”

“Kara’s what, twenty-one? Almost the same age as my brother.”

“Going on thirty. Apparently, some of her so-called friends told her she acted too stuck up, not like a college student with the summer off. She took that to mean she has to party her ass off.”

“Sounds a little familiar.” Not the too uptight part but the partying.

“Shut it, Kenna. If you called me to bitch about my behavior, you can shove the phone right up your ass.”

“Damn, you’re grumpy this morning.” I paused. “I was only busting on you.”

“It’s getting old. I’ll have you know I’ve been good since I got here. My sister is the one who needs someone watching over her now. I left her alone so I could take a piss last night and when I came back, there was a guy groping her. She was trying to push him off, but he wouldn’t move.”

“Please don’t tell me you started swinging.” Knox wasn’t always a levelheaded fighter. If he saw someone in trouble, he’d jump right into the fray. He was also as protective over his two sisters as I was over my brother.

“Nope. I did give him a warning and might have threatened his life if he touched my sister again. Then I dragged her out of there. I need to talk to her today. She’s letting these people get in her head that she needs to be someone she isn’t. Kara’s so damn smart. She’s going to be a lawyer someday.” I could hear how proud Knox was in his voice.

I heard loud banging on the other end of the line.

“Come in,” he called.

I couldn’t make out what the other person said.

“In the kitchen, to the left of the stove in the cabinet,” he replied then sighed. “Kara’s hunting through my place for coffee. I didn’t feel like driving her back to my parents’ house last night, so she crashed in my spare room.”

“You should talk to her. Probably about more than just what’s going on with her.”

“Yeah, I get what you’re saying.”

“It’s good that you’re there. I bet your family missed you.”

The grin in his voice was easily heard when he said, “They did. Mom’s been making my favorite meals to coax me out there for dinner. Luckily, it’s only a forty-five-minute drive each way to their house. And it’s quieter, kind of like my place in Espen.”

“Homesick?”

“I’m not sure what feels like home anymore. Did you ever…”

Knox and I weren’t as close as King and Hayes or Devon was with King and Hayes. Devon D’Agostino was our center on the first line. Fuck, was he good. So were Kingston Walker and Hayes Garner who were the wingers. I was a defenseman along with Noah Nordin. I talked to Noah often and the others, but when the offseason came around, I spent so much time training with Jagger I didn’t see the guys as often as I should. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so damn alone if I did.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” I said. “I won’t repeat it.”

He let out a breath. “Did you ever feel like you were adrift? I have my house in Espen. The team is there, as is the sport I love to play. Then I come back here to my condo and family. But I don’t have that comfort of home anywhere. I don’t feel like I belong.”

“Knox, are you okay?”

“I’m not depressed if that’s what you’re getting at. I’m just… off. It’s weird.”

“Home isn’t always a place. It can be a person or somewhere you visit.”

He snorted. “Did you take up writing greeting cards once the season ended?”

“No, you ass.” I laughed. “I’m just saying, sometimes home isn’t an actual space.”

“You miss your family, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” But not enough to give up on my dream of playing professional hockey. I meant what I said about home not always being a place. My home was in Michigan, even with my place here in Espen. For a while, I thought home could have been with Serilda, but she stomped on that with her sharp stiletto heels.

“What have you been up to?” he asked. “I have to give Kara time to caffeinate her system before I spring a brotherly talk on her.”

I filled him in on my training, my adventures in grocery shopping—which were sad—and the game with Stephen. The more I talked to Knox, the more I smiled thinking about it. I had fun. Not with my friends. Not with the team. Not winning a game. Just being a guy at a baseball game like everyone else.

That was something I loved. Being a regular person. I didn’t always get it, as evidenced by the Emperors’ fans who noticed me, but they didn’t bother me the whole game. They got photos and signatures and went back to their friends and family.

Unlike my brother, Knox didn’t say anything about me hanging out with my ex’s father. Then again, Knox was one of the least judgmental people I knew. If his friends were happy, that was what mattered.

After enough time had passed to where Knox thought he could confront his sister, we hung up with a promise to talk again soon. My summer resolution should be to hang out with my friends more. Was that a thing? Summer resolutions? I wasn’t a fan of the New Year’s ones. They never panned out, so I stopped making them.

Summer was different.

Summer was time for me to be free and do what made me happy.

Outside of training with Jagger, of course. I never knew what he was going to throw at me from one day to the next. He kept me on my toes. He also kept me ready for the next season. We had a lot to prove since we’d just won the Cup. I wasn’t the only one busting my ass. From what I heard, King and Hayes were training with Devon. Knox was doing his thing out in Pittsburgh. And Noah had his own stuff planned out.

I sent off a quick text to Knox, even though I just got off the phone with him.

Me: I’m making a summer resolution.

Knox: The fuck is that? Sounds like a fruity drink to sip by a pool while you contemplate life.

Me: I’m making a resolution to spend more time with friends. More doing things that make me happy. You should make one too.

Knox: This is weird, but okay. No fighting.

I’d take that. He didn’t say no drinking, but he did mention he was doing good with that. I didn’t think he was lying when he said it. He didn’t sound hungover before, just tired. I would be too if I had to keep some asshole from grabbing at my brother in a club.

Me: There you go! Summer resolutions!

Knox: You’re so weird.

Me: Yeah, but you love it.

I was smiling by the time I was done texting him. I needed this. It was weird. I was weird. This felt like a good thing, a step in the right direction to make my summer more memorable. Not all about training, though I still had to do it. I had time to enjoy life.

My thoughts brought me back to yesterday with Stephen. I wondered if he’d think I was strange if I did text him to hang out again. He seemed to enjoy himself. I certainly relaxed around him.

Just as I was about to text him, my phone rang. My mom’s picture popped up on the screen. She worked second shift at a call center as the assistant manager. Today was one of her days off. It wasn’t a job she loved or felt passionate about. It was one that helped pay the bills. She’d moved up over the years to where she was now. I had no doubt she’d work there until she was up for retirement. My family didn’t rely on me for money, though I’d give it to them if they let me.

The smile I had before stayed firmly in place as I talked to her and then my dad. They filled me in on the goings-on of home and I told them what I was up to. I missed them but when I hung up, I didn’t feel so homesick. Because I had a plan. A summer resolution to have fun. To be happy. To not dwell on who wasn’t here but who was.

Before I knew it, I’d be back at the arena for preseason. My time would be all about hockey. I needed to take advantage of what I had now.