12. Stephen
12
STEPHEN
The sweet smell of cinnamon rolls filled my nose as I stepped through the front door of Sunrise Café, a small place that sat on the corner a few blocks from my house. Quaint and quiet, it was the perfect place to settle my thoughts from the week and relax. The last few days would send any man running.
The place was simple. A variety of chairs surrounded wooden tables in the middle of the room, while along the sides stood booths with a couple of different colored pillows sitting on the benches. The walls were covered in paintings done by local artists—some for sale, others for decoration. It had a hometown feel that welcomed everyone. The kind of connection I needed after a very lonely week.
In my normal booth in the back, I waited for Rose to come and take my order. While there had been a lot of turnover throughout the years, Rose had been the one constant. The one person I could always guarantee would be here Sunday mornings.
Only about ten years older than me, Rose walked toward me in her usual jeans and café T-shirt. She already had a mug of steaming hot coffee in her hand and a small pitcher of creamer in her other. She was an attractive woman. One I’d considered dating more than once when we first met, but it didn’t take me long to realize it would ruin the friendship we’d built.
The same concern I’d had since Jansen pressed his lips to mine earlier in the week. The heat that seeped through me before I’d pushed him back. Not only were we friends, and he was straight, he was also my daughter’s ex. A land mine I wasn’t willing to get near as a possible experiment for a straight man.
Over the years, Rose watched as I sometimes brought whoever I dated with me to breakfast. When I didn’t, she made sure to sit across from me after her shift ended to chat and catch up. She’d been there for me the morning after Peter left me. I’d sat in this same booth up until the lunch rush and not once did she make me feel like I needed to leave so she could turn over the table.
“Stephen, I haven’t seen you look so down in months,” she said, setting the coffee and creamer down on the table.
Immediately, I reached for the sugar packets. “It’s been something of a week.”
“Want to talk about it?”
I knew Rose would listen and give me judgment-free advice, I just had to figure out where to begin. “Yeah, but let me get some coffee in me first.”
“Don’t I know you need your caffeine. Tell me what you want to eat, and I’ll get the order in while you drink your first cup.”
“Western omelet with no mushrooms and a side of hash browns please.”
She laughed. “You are nothing like my other regulars, except for your coffee. They like the same every time. You constantly change it up. I’ll go put this in and be back with another cup.” She eyed the way I gripped the cup like a lifeline. And maybe it was.
I lifted it to my lips, taking that first sweet sip. Something had to distract me from the last few days. The chaos at work helped, at least until I went home, the silence from my house descending over me instantly.
The quiet was more than I could handle. The den was the worst of them all. I’d avoided the room as much as I could. Every time I sat on the couch, I could feel Jansen’s lips on mine, the taste of them. I shook my head, trying to break the hold the memories had on me.
It had been three days since I heard a word from Jansen.
Nothing. Not a call. Not a text. Absolute silence. Just like my house.
By the time Rose came back a bit later, I’d finished more than half of the first mug.
She sat down across from me, her dark hair in a messy bun on the top of her head. She pushed a new mug across the table. “Talk to me. What happened that has you looking lost this morning?”
I wrapped my suddenly cold fingers around the warm mug. “It happened a few days ago, but I think this is the first time this week I’ve really had a chance to process it.”
She reached across the table and put her hand on my arm. Her eyes were warm. “Talk to me, Stephen. What happened? I haven’t seen you like this since Peter left.”
I sighed. “I kissed someone, or I should say they kissed me.”
Rose lifted her hands in the air. “And that’s a bad thing? I’m confused. If I’m interested in someone, I like when they kiss me.”
“It is when the man isn’t gay.” I wasn’t ready to focus on the fact this was Serilda’s ex, at least not with anyone else yet. For now, that wasn’t important. I needed to figure out how to get our friendship back on track, then the issue with Serilda wouldn’t exist.
Even as I told myself that, deep down I knew our friendship was irrevocably altered. Nothing would be the same, no matter how much I wanted it to be. A sliver of hope we could salvage something penetrated my mind, and I held on to it with both hands.
“Are you sure he’s not hiding something?”
After all the years I’d known him, could I really imagine Jansen being gay, or even bi, and deep in the closet? Serilda’s image appeared in my head. “Nope. I knew his last girlfriend. If it wasn’t for her, they’d still be together.”
Her eyes grew a little wider, but she pressed on. “Maybe it’s something he’s just discovering about himself. There are plenty of people who realize they aren’t straight later in life.”
“Maybe.” I halfheartedly shrugged my shoulder.
She patted my hand. “Think about it.” She stood. “I’m going to see if your food is ready. I’ll be right back.” She smiled and walked toward the kitchen.
I tapped my fingers on the side of the mug, letting Rose’s words run through my head. Could she be right? Even if she was, did it really matter? It had been three days.
A shadow passed over my table and I glanced up, wanting to help Rose with my plate. I almost did a double take when I saw it wasn’t Rose standing next to my table, but Jansen.
“Hi, Stephen.”
I stopped myself from getting up and giving him a hug, reminding myself he’d been the one to walk out of my house without talking to me. “Jansen, what are you doing here?”
“I remembered you had breakfast here every Sunday, so I…” He glanced around the café before focusing on me again. “I figured it would be the best place to find you.”
“Sure. Okay. Did you want to have a seat?” I gestured to the spot across from me, intrigued by what he came here to say.
He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. Then he pulled his hands out and scratched the back of his neck. “Are you sure?”
“Please.” Even though I wished he hadn’t left that night, I couldn’t explain how happy I was to see him.
He sat, but near the edge of the booth, almost like he was ready to take off at any moment. He moved his fingers over the lines in the wood table, his gaze glued to his hand. It was quiet for a few moments before his eyes darted up to meet mine. “I’m just going to say this and put it out there. I’m sorry for the other night. I shouldn’t have done what I did, and I definitely shouldn’t have run away afterward. It was a shitty thing to do, as was not calling. I suck and I’m sorry.”
I didn’t necessarily need an apology, just an explanation, but I had a feeling Jansen needed to apologize. If I didn’t recognize that, he’d leave again. “Thank you, Jansen. I accept your apology. Is there a reason you left instead of staying to talk?”
“You pushing me away…” He looked down at the table for a moment before his eyes met mine again. “It confirmed that I fucked up. It was stupid of me to do, especially without talking to you first. I’m your daughter’s ex. Why would you be interested in me?”
“Jansen.” I shook my head. “Me pushing you away had nothing to do with whether or not I’m interested in you. It had everything to do with me.”
His brows drew together slightly. “What do you mean?”
I fiddled with the napkin where it still sat on the table. “Let’s just say, I don’t have the best track record with dating, especially straight men.” I picked the corner off the napkin and rolled it into a ball between my thumb and finger. I looked back up at him. “I didn’t want to lose our friendship.”
Jansen sighed and leaned back into the booth. “So, your reaction had nothing to do with you wanting me or not.”
“It didn’t. I’ve enjoyed the friendship we’ve built and given my history of relationships with both sexes; I was scared to ruin it.”
“Umm, hello,” Rose said. “Stephen, you didn’t tell me you were expecting someone else; I would have set another place.”
Jansen started to stand. “No, I’m getting ready to leave. I just wanted to stop by and apologize.”
Rose’s gaze snapped to mine. “Him?” she mouthed.
I reached out and wrapped my hands around Jansen’s wrist.
This could have been the worst decision ever, but I couldn’t watch him walk away. Not when there was so much more we needed to talk about, like why he’d kissed me in the first place. Because if Rose was right and this happened to be something Jansen was just discovering about himself, I needed to know.
“Please don’t go. Stay and have breakfast with me.”
His gaze searched mine. I had a feeling he was trying to decide whether my invitation was for pity or maybe something more. After a few heavy beats of my heart, he nodded. “Okay.” Jansen sat back down in the booth.
“I’ll grab a menu for you. Coffee?” Rose asked, her smile even brighter than before.
“Yes, please.”
“You’ve got it.” She winked at me as she turned to walk away.
“Thank you for staying.”
“We need to talk, but are you sure I’m not intruding on your breakfast?”
“I’m positive. It’s been kind of lonely the last few days.”
“Is that what you meant about being afraid to ruin our friendship?”
I picked the napkin up and took great care to set it in my lap perfectly. I knew I couldn’t stall any longer.
“A little bit.” I looked to the ceiling, unable to watch while I admitted the truth. “I’m not an exciting guy. I like documentaries about history and going to sporting events. I’m not a partier. I don’t enjoy hitting up the clubs. Let’s face it, I’m boring and I was afraid if we got close, you’d figure it out even quicker.”
“You’re not boring. I don’t think that at all.”
“Being friends and spending some time together and being more and spending all of your time together are two different things.”
“It still wouldn’t make you boring. Being exciting has nothing to do with going out every night.”
Rose returned with the menu. “I’ll give you a few minutes to decide.”
And once again, she was off. Even when I brought others to have breakfast with me, she’d never disappeared that quickly before.
Jansen picked up the menu, but I couldn’t stop the question I’d been dying to know from leaving my lips.
“Why did you kiss me?”