28. Headcase
Headcase
M ara
“How are you doing, Mara?”
I was back at the psychiatrist’s office for my follow-up appointment.
“Not terrible.”
“How are you feeling about your diagnosis?”
“Still feeling a lot of shame, but Erin is helping, I have the support of my sister and my best friend, my husband understands but he’s not available to talk things through with me.”
“How is he unavailable?”
“He works a lot, also he says nothing about this is new to him except the label. He doesn’t understand why it upsets me.”
“Do you have any other support?”
“My sister and my best friend.”
“How are things with your mother?”
“Not great.”
I filled him in on some of the more recent conversations, as well as my growing revelations of her effect on my mental health.
This session proved to be just as rigorous as the first one. We covered my worsening emotional turbulence concerning Zale and my fear that he didn’t really love me, my growing sadness at the realization that I’d never have a real relationship with my mother, and my sense of loss and sense of just being lost. At the end, he sat back in his chair, his fingers steepled under his chin.
“I’m concerned. Your blood pressure is up, and from what you’ve explained your stress level at home has increased with your daughter’s struggles, the changes you’re trying to make, your husband’s detachment from this issue, your difficulty with attending to your work as of late, your difficulties with your mother, and you’re also not sleeping well?”
“I’ve always suffered from insomnia but it’s worse lately, not every night, but definitely happening more often. ”
“Okay. It’s really quite important that you bring down your stress level. What can you do to decrease your stress level for the next couple of weeks?”
“Um,” I tried to think of something. “I could take a break from visiting with my mother? Take a few days off homeschooling? Do more self-care?”
He leaned forward. “Do all of those things. You’ve got a lot going on, and the emotional work you’re doing is not easy. Keep in touch if things get worse. I don’t want you ending up in hospital, and you’re closer to that than I’m comfortable with.” He looked at me assessing. “Will you tell your husband what’s going on?”
“I will.”
“Make an appointment for three months from now. Call the office sooner than that if you’re struggling and continue with Erin. You’re a fighter, Mara. I have faith in you.”
Willa had taken Olivia to her place because she needed to have access to her tools and supplies for work. She assured me that while she had to work, having Olivia with her would be a pleasure, and she had no tight deadline looming over her.
“Hey, Mara. How’d it go?”
“Just finished. I’m on my way, okay?” I wanted to get Olivia out of her hair .
“Tell me how it went first while you can. Olivia’s fine and I already finished what I needed to get done for today.”
“It went okay. He’s concerned about the level of stress I’m under, some of it necessary stress like learning new coping skills, becoming more aware of Mom’s behaviors, homeschooling through Livvy’s moods, Zale working more hours…he lost two experienced staff members yesterday and got three newer people so he’s not terribly happy either.”
“Back to you, Mara, what else did the doctor say?”
I sighed. “Don’t freak out. He’s concerned I’m going to have a breakdown. Told me to do what I need to do to reduce my stress level over the next little while.”
“Okay. Take the day. I’ll be so happy to have Birdy today. You can double check with her, too. But take the day, Merry. It’s a start.”
“Thank you. If my little bird is okay then I’ll do that, try to get my work organized, take a nap maybe.”
“Do that. What else can you do?”
“I’m going to take a break from visiting Mom and take a few days off homeschooling. Not much more I can do.”
“It’s a good start. I can help.”
“I don’t want to put too much on you, Willa.”
“You’re not and I want to. Love you, Merry. ”
“Love you, Willa. Truly. Now, let me have a quick word with my little bird.”
Olivia twittered happily about staying with her aunt, so I headed home.
The house was suffocatingly quiet. Almost spooky. I hated being on my own without warning.
I felt unreasonable fear when alone, while my mind reached for logic, my body was convinced someone or something bad was coming for me. I’d even imagined things coming out of the mirror, chasing me up the basement stairs, or hiding behind the shower curtain.
I shook it off and locked the doors, put on the alarm for the house, and turned up my music. After dancing to a little Rihanna, Pink and Beyonce, I settled at my desk to work on my laptop and drink my coffee. Despite my trouble with writing over the past few weeks, I had a breakthrough, and the distraction worked wonders to combat the solitude.
At four o’clock I packed it in and started poking around in the kitchen for dinner inspiration. The front door opened, and the alarm screeched. My heart pounded hard in my chest and my pulse skittered in fear. I heard Zale’s, ‘What the fuck’, and then the beeps as he entered the code into the keypad. I took a deep breath.
“Hi, honey.” I stood where he could see me from the front door .
“Why’s the alarm on?”
“I’m here by myself. I felt nervous. Why are you home so early?”
“Manager’s meeting today and it ended a bit early. Too late to go back to work, so we all headed home. Where’s Olivia?”
“At Willa’s.”
“Right.” He walked into the kitchen with his unhurried rolling gait, loosening his tie, and unbuttoning his shirt.
I loved his ways, his routines. I loved to watch him shave in the morning, see him rolling in from work pulling at his tie and his buttons.
“How did your appointment go?”
“He’s concerned about me; says I’m going to end up in the hospital if I don’t reduce my stress level over the next little while.”
Zale’s eyebrows hit the stratosphere as he dropped his long frame onto a chair. “Why?”
“Just the normal stresses on top of the work I’m doing trying to fix this, the insomnia, the realization that my mother is what she is, Olivia’s issues, you working late, mostly stuff that’s necessary, but he asked what I can do to decrease the stress and I thought maybe I’d take a few days off homeschooling, curtail the visits to my mom for a couple of weeks, and try and do more self-care.”
“Why does he think you’re heading for the hospital? None of this is new. ”
Irritated, I retorted, “It may not be new to you, Zee, but it sure as hell is new to me.”
He grabbed my hand. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Also, you’ve been doing lots of therapy, trying to learn what you need to learn to deal with this. It is new.”
“My blood pressure is up, too. I forgot to tell the doctor this, but I’ve noticed a tremor in my hand as well.”
I hadn’t really forgotten but I worried that he might put me in the hospital, and I didn’t want to be apart from Zale and Olivia.
“Show me.” I held out my hand and he grasped it again. “Shit, Mara, you really do need to relax.”
“I guess.” I moved closer to him, rested my hip against his ribs. He wrapped a long arm around my hips, turning me toward him, kissing my breastbone through my shirt.
“Want me to talk to your mom?”
“No, I’ll call her tomorrow.” I ran my fingers through his hair. He put both arms around me, gave me a tight squeeze.
“When are we expecting Olivia?”
“Any minute now,” I murmured, sorry to put an end to what I thought he might be starting.
“Want to give Willa a call? Ask her to delay a half hour?”
My heart thumped in my chest. “I can do that. ”
Unfortunately, when I called Willa she responded immediately.
“Hey. I was just about to call you. We just got into the car and we’re on our way.”
I had a rule. If you took Olivia out, I needed to know when you left, where you were going, and what time to expect you back.
“Okay, no problem. You’ll have dinner here with us?”
“Love to. Want me to pick up anything?”
“Nope, I already started it. See you soon.”
Zale was already moving toward the bedroom to change out of his suit, “It was worth a shot, gorgeous.”
I felt suddenly bereft by his absence.
We had dinner with Willa and an ecstatically happy Olivia. Willa had ordered her a behind the scenes book for one of her favorite movies and she gave it to her today. She wouldn’t come to the table for dinner because she had not yet ‘seen all the pages properly’ so I brought her plate to her in the sunroom, which was her favorite place to read.
Willa, Zale, and I chatted and puttered around in the kitchen, picking at the leftovers while we cleared up. Mostly the topic centered around the wedding while Zale gently prodded Willa to see if she had any feelings toward Barrett. Sometimes he could be a shit disturber, but Willa was well practiced in the art of shit deflection, and he didn’t get any information out of her.
Nevertheless, at the mention of his name a myriad of emotions skipped across her pretty face which gave me plenty of insight into how she felt about Barrett. I smiled. I liked him for her.
“What are you smiling about, Mara?”
I faked an innocent expression. “Why whatever do you mean? It’s just the lady doth protest too much mayhap?”
“Stop drinking the cooking sherry, Merry.” Willa laughed. “Okay, he’s handsome. He’s smart, kind, and I do like him, more than I want to, which is why it’s going nowhere. A relationship with a friend of the family? I don’t think so.”
Zale had an annoyingly knowing smirk on his face.
“Quit it, Zee. No matchmaking. You’re going to lose your penis card.”
Zale laughed. “All right, Willa. You’re no fun. I’ll just say this, I like him for you. He’s a good guy and you’re well matched.”
“Don’t want to hear it.”
He put up his hands, his mouth still quirked up at one corner. “Willa, when have I ever liked anybody for you? Just think about that.”
He sauntered out of the kitchen to check on Olivia.
Willa’s mouth snapped shut and she turned to me. “Annoying. ”
We heard him laughing as he entered the sunroom.
I loved his laugh, didn’t get to hear it nearly often enough. I should do something about that.
The house phone rang, and I picked it up without checking the call display. I was not prepared to hear my mother’s voice.
“Hello?”
“Mara? It’s mom.”
“Hi, mom. How are you?”
“I’ve been in bed all day, feeling so tired.”
“Why are you so tired?”
“You know me, can’t sit still. I’ve been running a lot these past couple of weeks, I’ve been much busier than usual. Sorry I haven’t been able to see you and Olivia as much as usual.”
No wonder I walked around clueless. She really did live in an alternate reality.
“That’s okay.” She had unwittingly offered me the perfect segue into a difficult topic and I took it. “I had an appointment at the doctor’s today. He’s worried about my blood pressure and wants me to take it easy for a couple of weeks. I’m going to stick close to home, take some time off from homeschooling, so we won’t see you for a couple of weeks. ”
Silence stretched across the line. I felt the weight of it in the kitchen as well and turned to find both Willa and Zale standing silently watching and waiting.
“What do you mean you won’t see me for a couple of weeks?”
“I just told you. The doctor wants me to get some rest, he’s worried about my blood pressure…”
She interrupted and her tone had changed from bossy and demanding to bitter and accusing.
“It’s those people you’ve been hanging out with. Low class, crass, no family values. Did he divorce his first wife? She probably caught him sleeping all over town, he looks the type with his dirty boots and tattoos.”
I gasped. “Mom, do not talk about my friends like that!”
“What do you care? You care more about them than your own mother! You and Willa both, selfish and self-centered, leaving me here alone all the time, I can’t even visit because of that filthy cat Willa coerced you into taking...”
Zale plucked the phone out of my hand, held it to his ear and listened. His face darkened ominously, and his voice was gritty when he spoke.
“Bea? You’ve got Zale.”
Her voice went up an octave, I could hear her clear as a bell .
“Zale! How are you? I was just complaining to Mara that I don’t get to see her nearly as often as I’d like…”
He cut her off again. “Save it. I heard more than enough. You just heard your daughter tell you she’s having problems with her blood pressure, and she needs to rest, and all she got from you was a bitter tirade.”
“No, no, you misunderstood…”
His jaw ticking, his full lips drawn thin, he interrupted her again. “Maybe so, but you make sure you understand what I’m about to say next. You are never to speak like that to my wife, not ever. You speak to her like that again, you won’t speak to her at all.”
Bea had had enough, outraged that he dared to tell her what to do. “That is my daughter you’re talking about, and I’ll speak to her how I want to.”
“Not anymore.” She tried to speak again, but he continued, “Mara will call you back when she’s ready to talk to you. Hopefully, that will give you time to cool off and consider your options. Goodnight, Bea.”
He closed the phone without waiting for a response and turned to find Willa and myself standing with our mouths hanging open.
“What?” he growled. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with your mother but she’s out to fucking lunch.”
“Nothing’s wrong with her, Zee, that’s the way she talks when you’re not around.” Willa answered softly .
His mouth twisted in disgust. “Fuck me, what a headcase. I know the things she says, somehow I didn’t imagine her saying them like that.”
He stalked off toward our bedroom shaking his head. “Mara, you don’t call her until you’re ready, you hear me?”
“Yes, sir!”
I saluted smartly, eliciting a laugh from Willa. I was a bit shocked, never having seen Zale speak to anybody like that. I’d never had anyone stand up for me to my mother before. It was usually me sticking up for Willa, and Olivia, and anyone else who hit her radar. Weirdly, baby Mara peeked out of her hiding spot deep inside me, wondering if it was safe to come out yet.
He stuck his head back in from the hallway. “I should be so lucky to have that kind of obedience from you.”
He gave me his half smile, a supreme effort considering his current level of pissed, and went to watch tv in our room.
“Wow,” Willa breathed, “too bad we didn’t put him on the phone years ago.”
“She had better control years ago, and she’s tweaked lately because I haven’t been reacting to her digs like I normally would.”
“It’s going to get worse, Mara. When narcissists sense they are losing control, they up the drama, sometimes making you the villain, and them the victim. Please don’t let it bother you. Maybe give it a couple of weeks before you call her. ”
“Maybe.”
There was no real question, my anxiety was already sharpening her claws. Was she sad? Did we hurt her feelings? Was she angry? I’d rather she be angry than sad, although her anger made my stomach sick. I’d call her tomorrow. Maybe go over for a quick visit with Olivia, explain, tell her it’s not just her I’m taking a break from, and then I’d take two weeks at home. I shouldn’t try to appease her, but she did just receive a shock, one that might make her think, and I hated the thought of her being sad and alone.
“Don’t feel sorry for her, Mara. She doesn’t feel sorry for you.”
I nodded. There was no disputing that. “That’s a fact.”
After Willa left, when Olivia fell asleep, while Zale dozed in bed beside me, I pulled out my folders and my cue cards. I found the ones I needed, the ones pertaining to my relationship with my mother.
You will never have the mother you want or deserve. She lives in an alternate reality and twists situations to suit her view of herself. Spend your energy on making changes you can control.
You are responsible for your actions and the consequences of your actions. She is responsible for her actions and the consequence of her actions.
This moment is exactly as it should be considering everything that has happened up until now .
I did my paced breathing.
I journaled.
I listened to my sleep meditation.
I finally slept, and I slept all the way through the night until Zale got up for work.