31. Jenson
Jenson
“ G ood takings tonight.” River slips into the empty seat beside me. I’ve commandeered a table close to the ring. All the better to glare disapprovingly at Kai. “It’s busy.”
Three fucking fights so far. “Great.”
River taps his fingers on the table in a pattern. “You don’t care about any of this shit, do you? You never did.”
Frowning, I twist to look at him. A roar rings out around me as Kai’s fist meets flesh. “What the fuck does that mean?”
It’s all I’ve ever cared about.
River doesn’t look at me. “You built this place back up because you thought you had to. For me. For Kai. To keep us safe, give us a life. And fucking hell, Jenson. You’ve more than done it.”
He meets my gaze then, his own steady. “You rebuilt the Diamonds from the ashes of your father’s shitty choices. But you don’t enjoy any of it, Jenson. You get far more pleasure from the regeneration work you do in the city than anything to do with the politics.”
I’ve shredded my soul for fifteen years, trying to hold us together.
“I had to build it back up.” I stare at him. “My father fucked it all, River. You know more than anyone else. We were on our own, we had Kai to consider—,”
“But did you want to?” My best friend’s eyes are disturbingly focused. “Or was it about trying to make sure it would never happen again?”
“I don’t understand.” My head shakes. “Where the hell has this come from?”
River shrugs. “I’ve been doing some thinking the last few days. About what I want.”
Since Briar left.
Throat tightening, I avoid his gaze. “And what did you decide?”
River looks around him. “I love Mystic. You know that. But everything else… I could leave that behind, Jens. I’m tired of putting on a facade that this is who we are.”
He stands. “I don’t think you want this anymore. Hell, I don’t think you ever did. You thought you had to, for us. To protect us. So nobody would hurt Kai again. So nobody could hurt you again. But we’re telling you that we can see through it. Try thinking about what you need, for a change. We don’t need protecting anymore.”
His voice lowers. “She’s shaken up your world view, Jenson. But maybe it needed a little shaking. Isn’t it time you were finally happy?”
He walks away, jumping up and ducking under the ropes as Kai knocks out his third opponent. And I sink back into my seat.
When was the last time I felt anything close to happiness?