36. Jenson
Jenson
B riar pauses in the middle of the room, looking around her with cautious curiosity.
I push the door closed at the top of the stairs, sealing us off from the noise of the club beneath our feet. It squeals, the old brass hinges rusty from lack of use. Only a faint line on the floor is evidence that it’s used at all, a few of the men using it occasionally when they can’t find a private spot. Normally at Mallory’s insistence.
I grimace. I can’t remember the last time I voluntarily came up here. My eyes linger on a door in the corner, darting away.
Following Briar’s gaze, I try to see the place through her eyes and not my own fractured history. The room stretches out, a few battered-looking doors leading to other, smaller rooms leading off it.
It’s empty. A faint, charred smell still seems to linger even after we cleaned it out, tossing out the blackened furniture and scrubbing every inch. A long, scarred wooden bar sits against the back wall. The shelves behind it are empty and coated with dust, the huge mirror cracked and blackened around the edges.
A few of the walls still show streaked black marks.
You’d never know from downstairs. But here, there’s no hiding.
“What happened here? It feels… off. Wrong.” Briar wraps her arms around herself as she turns to face me.
She doesn’t belong here. She never did. She’s too… clean. Sweet. Too fucking pure to be tarnished by this darkness.
I don’t even have a chair up here for her to sit on. My eyes catch on the bar, and I slip past her, settling down on the dusty floor and wiping it off as best I can.
Her green eyes are steady as I hold up my hand and pat my chest. “Sit with me? Like you did before.”
I act as her chair as she carefully kneels between my legs and shifts, shuffling until she’s back against me, her warm weight a balm to my senses. Her legs slide out to fit between mine, her hands on her lap.
I can breathe easier when I have her close. The realization soaks in as she sighs. “There’s a lot of pain here, Jenson.”
I run my fingers carefully over her hair. “Yes.”
She sits quietly. Endlessly patient, as I sort through the muddled thoughts in my head before I clear my throat. “How much do you know about the Suits?”
“The gangs? Not much. Only what I overheard my father talking about. There are four, right?”
“Three, now. It used to be the four of us. Clubs. Hearts. Spades.” The thump of my heart sounds loud. “And Diamonds. But the Spades were dissolved a while back. The three Suits that are left each manage a territory in the city. A third, or close to it.”
Her voice is quiet. “And which one do you belong to?”
I tease a dark curl with my fingers, watching her instead of this room I fucking despise. “I’m the leader of the Diamonds, Briar. River is my second.”
“And Kai? Is he your… third?”
“We’ve never defined it. But yes, he would be. He doesn’t answer to anyone.”
Not even me, really. Even River and I don’t have that relationship.
I can almost see her thoughts racing. “So this is your… your headquarters? Up here?”
I make a noise of confirmation, sensing her confusion as she tries to put the pieces together with only one part.
I don’t blame her. I’m the leader of a club filled with nothing but ghosts. “It’s a long story.”
She shifts against me. “We have time.”
I keep touching her. “My father was the leader of the Diamonds when I was born. I grew up here. River’s dad was his second-in-command.”
“I bet the two of you were nothing but trouble.”
She doesn’t ask, but I give her the answer anyway. “My mom left, not long after I was born. She couldn’t deal with the club. The demands on his time. She left me behind.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “No parent should abandon a child.”
“It was a long time ago.” I never missed what I never had. “I loved this place. Never felt like I was missing anything. There was always something happening, always someone watching out for me. For both of us, really.”
I wish I’d brought up a drink. “I think I was around sixteen when my dad met someone else. Her name was Katherine.”
I don’t say anything for a while. Briar twists her head to look up at me. “We can stop, Jenson. It’s okay.”
Carefully, I slide my arms up and around her waist. “I want you to know. But it’s not… it’s not a great story.”
“I’m tougher than I look.” She doesn’t look away. “I can take it.”
Her quiet conviction bolsters my own. “Katherine was… pretty. Beautiful, really. And she knew it. She wound my father around her little finger, until he was obsessed with her. He became blind to everything else. Nothing else mattered to him but her. Making her happy. The rest of it was just an inconvenience to him.”
His club. His business. His son.
“There was something off about her,” I murmur. “I didn’t like her. She needed to be adored. It was like an addiction. I didn’t, and she hated it. And my father, he just got worse. Fighting in the club, with his friends, people he’d known all his life. Members started to leave in their droves rather than stay and risk him focusing on them. Accusing them of wanting her, of being horrible to her, of being too nice. His obsession became paranoia, Katherine dripping poison in his ear at every turn. River’s parents left to go traveling rather than stay and watch, but he wouldn’t leave. He knew something was happening.”
“He’s loyal.” A single, careful tap of her finger against my arm wrapped around her stomach. “Fiercely so.”
“Not that I ever deserved it.” I stare out into the clubhouse.
Her response is gentle. “Maybe he saw something different in you than you see in yourself. What happened to your father?”
I suck in a breath. “He was out one night. Finally doing something, after I spent weeks trying to tell him how bad things had gotten while he was wrapped up in Katherine. The Diamonds were falling apart. The prez of the Spades was trying to push in, and we had no men. So he went for a meeting to try and smooth things over.”
I drop my head, breathing in the scent of raspberries. “I was sitting here. At this spot. Nobody else was here. Hell, nobody was left, and not anyone that wanted to be in the clubhouse. River was out, trying to stem some of the gaps even though we weren’t even old enough to act as full members. Katherine came out. She asked if we could start over. She said she was worried about my father. About his behavior. And she poured me a drink. I was seventeen. Never had vodka before.”
Swallowing, I close my eyes. “I started to feel sick. Dizzy. And she – she took me into the bedroom. That one, in the corner.”
Hands. And lips. And that fucking voice in my ear.
Briar turns to stone in my arms. “No.”
I run my hand over her hair again. For my sake, as much as hers. “I told you it wasn’t a good story.”
“She…,” her breathing turns harsh. “She raped you.”
It takes me a minute. “Yeah. She did. That was my first time.”
“Jenson.” She starts to shake, then. “I’m so sorry… and I lied to you. I put you in that position.”
“You didn’t know. But... it gets worse, Briar.”
“Tell me.” Her voice trembles. “What… what happened?”
“I woke up.” My throat feels almost as dry as that day. “And Kai was there.”
“He was part of the club?”
“I’d never even seen him before. This skinny, underfed kid, shaking me. He wouldn’t speak. But he kept pointing to the door. There was shouting. My father came home, and he found me. He thought – thought I wanted it. That I’d set him up to leave, so I could be with Katherine. I was seventeen .”
Bile rises in my throat. “She’d been keeping Kai there without any of us knowing. And he must have known. In the fucking closet, living like some kind of animal. Eating scraps at night with my father turning a blind eye. And she’d hurt him, Briar. Not like… not like me. Physically. He was so small. But he wouldn’t stop shaking me. And he wouldn’t leave me there.”
My eyes feel wet. And Briar is crying. “God, Jenson.”
“My father had set it all on fire,” I say numbly. “The clubhouse. Everything was on fire. She was there, somewhere. He knew I was in the bedroom; he knew Kai was there. But he poured gasoline all over this place and threw the match down anyway, with all of us inside.”
Briar turns in my arms, kneeling to face me. Her hands shake as she lifts them, drops them again. “I want – I don’t know what to say. Do .”
“Stay with me.” I don’t need anything else but her. “Don’t leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
She watches my face as I speak, the words coming faster now like a damn unleashed. “I pushed myself up, and I was so dizzy. I grabbed Kai. Wrapped a blanket over him, and we just ran. I knew the way, and he wouldn’t have made it otherwise.”
I still remember how weightless he felt. Eleven years old, and I could feel every rib under my fingers. Even in my panic, it stood out to me.
Smoke. so much smoke. Burning my lungs, my throat. My eyes streaming. “Someone saw the smoke, and they’d evacuated downstairs. Kai had been trying to wake me for a while when we got out. We were just in time. And River, he was on the other side of the barriers. It took three officers to pin him down so he couldn’t come in after us, and he was still fighting.” I half-smile. “Like you said. Loyal.”
She doesn’t smile back. “Your father died? And that – Katherine?”
I nod.
“And Kai?”
“He wouldn’t leave me.” I can’t smile at that memory. Not when he was so – broken . “He attached himself to me like glue. It took River weeks to coax him away so I could even use the toilet without an audience.”
“The three of you.” Her eyes are still wet. “You stayed together.”
I nod. “My father had decimated the accounts. But he’d hidden the spiral well. Nobody really knew how bad it was. The other Suits – they would have taken over, if they’d known. Gryphon, the Spades prez, would have made sure we ended up in an alleyway somewhere. So I kept it going. At least on the outside. We were still the Diamonds. Still solid.”
And on the inside, we crumbled like soil.
“I held it,” I say numbly. “I didn’t stop. River helped. And Kai – he stayed with us. We didn’t even know what to do with him. How to help him. We tried, but I’ve never heard him speak. I think he can. He just… she made him silent.”
“I’m glad she’s dead.” The low words draw my eyes up. Briar shakes her head. “She deserved what happened to her. And your father.”
“I visit his grave sometimes. I had them buried together. In case – in case Kai ever wanted to see her. Not so much now, but… he wasn’t always a bad father. There was something inside him, must have been, but I never saw it. Never saw that… that obsession that he had for her. It drove him out of his mind.”
“You’re not the same as him.” Her words are quiet. “You’re not him.”
“But I could be, Briar. How would I even know? It was better to—,”
To be cold. Not to care. Never to get too close to a woman, not that I wanted to after Katherine. But I never wanted to risk turning into him.
Slowly, I rake my gaze over Briar. She meets my eyes. “That’s why you wanted the arrangement.”
My nod is slow. “It wasn’t my idea. Kai and River cooked it up between them one night. But… It appealed to me. I wouldn’t have to worry about them touching me or kissing me. I wouldn’t even get to know them. And when it was done, I would say goodbye.”
My heart hurts as a small furrow appears between her eyes. She shifts, her eyes dropping to the floor. “And… you still want that?”
She’s so careful not to touch me, even now. Her hands are clenched in her lap. “When I saw you, I thought that you could ruin me, Briar Rose. That I could become obsessed with you.”
I was right.
“I wouldn’t let that happen.” Her jaw tightens. “And neither would River or Kai.”
Maybe she’s right.
“No,” I say finally. “I don’t want temporary. But… be patient with me?”
Her green eyes are bright, hope and pain and grief swimming in them. For me. “I’ll be careful with you. If you will, with me. You have to want it.”
Hope. In the middle of the filthy, soot-stained room where I lost mine, it feels like I’m finding it again. My smile is small, but it’s genuine.
“I want it. Where should we start?”
I want her.
A small, mischievous smile tugs at her lips. “We have two nights left of our agreement. Maybe we could start there?”
“You still want to?” It’s a reminder that I took her virginity. While she was sleeping. And then I fucking yelled at her afterward.
I can’t even hold her properly to apologize.
“Stop putting up barriers in your own mind.” Briar half-smiles. “I enjoyed it, Jenson. Watching it back was… I liked it. A lot. Unless you’ve decided it’s not for you—,”
I nearly give myself whiplash. “No. You were perfect.”
Dangerously so. But I have to trust her. And River, and Kai.
They won’t let me fall.