Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
HUDSON
I wait, pleading with my eyes, my heart, my mind, my fucking soul for her not to leave. For her to stay here with me, to listen, to give me a chance that I don’t fucking deserve.
I watch as tears fill her eyes again, and knowing I caused those absolutely destroys me.
Do you see what you’ve put her through?
You should just let her go.
Let her be.
But…but I fucking can’t .
Being back here, seeing her, being in her presence, it’s…it’s calmed me. It’s sent this pulse of soothing adrenaline through me, telling me that this is where I should have been the entire time. This is who I should have been with this entire time. I should have been leaning on her. I should have been relying on her. I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been hiding her. I should have been up front about my…fuck, about my feelings for her, but it wasn’t until I realized that I lost a piece of her that I found out how I truly felt.
And now…now I’m just hoping that she stays in this room with me. I’m not going to force her. If she wants to leave, she can leave, but I have to at least try.
“Please, Sloane,” I say, my voice breaking.
She squeezes her eyes shut and looks away, and for a moment, I think she’s going to take off, that she’s not going to at least hear me out, but then she drops her purse and walks over to the couch, giving me an ounce of hope.
She takes a seat, pulls her legs into her chest, but doesn’t say anything, just stares at the coffee table in front of her.
I want to touch her, hold her, pull her in close, but I know there’s no way in hell she’s going to let me do that, so I turn toward her instead, closing the distance between us so there are only inches rather than feet keeping us apart.
I tug on my hair again, my nerves shot as I try to gather my words, to explain to her what’s going on in my head.
“I…I’m sorry, Sloane. It feels so empty saying that, because they’re just words, anyone can say I’m sorry, but fuck, I feel it. I’m not just saying it. I’m feeling it.” Her eyes look up, giving me an ounce of her energy. “You have been so great on this trip. You’ve been incredible, making this deal actually plausible, and…and…I messed up, terribly. You opened my eyes, showed me that I could trust someone with my insecurities, with my worries. You gave me comfort when I didn’t know I needed it. But when I found out that my dad knew about us, instead of leaning on you like I should have, I blacked out. I flipped into damage control. I thought I was protecting you, but instead, I was hurting you. I was caught up with my dad, with keeping our marriage a secret, with trying to figure this lawsuit out, and I pushed you aside. I was scared, and I hurt you.” I shake my head. “I handled the situation so poorly and didn’t keep you safe the way I said I would. I let fear enter your heart. I allowed you to question, to fret, to feel isolated.” Tears fall down her cheeks. “And fuck, if I could do it all over again, I would not have left without you. I never should have left you.”
She swipes at her cheeks.
“I know I hurt you, and I don’t deserve for you to even give me this time, but fuck, I…I don’t want you to leave.”
“Please, Hudson.” She shakes her head. “I can’t…I can’t?— ”
“I have feelings for you too,” I say, cutting her off.
“No.” She goes to stand but I press my hand to her leg. Her eyes meet mine in anger. In pain. “You don’t have feelings for me, Hudson. Don’t play with me like that.”
“I would never fucking say something I didn’t mean, especially when it comes to you,” I say harshly. “I’m…I’m falling for you.”
“No.” She shakes her head again. More tears. “Please, please don’t say that.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t handle it. I don’t believe you. You’re, you’re upset about Jude and Haisley, and you’re saying that to save face with them.”
“I’m not fucking lying,” I say.
“I don’t believe you,” she yells back. “Because if you were falling for me”—her voice cracks—“you never would have treated me the way that you did.”
“I was scared, Sloane,” I shout back. “I was trying to save the business from my father’s grasp. I was gearing up to face him, and I thought that if I focused on you, if I gave in to my feelings for you in that moment, I wouldn’t have been able to stand up to my father. Because you’re…you’re my weakness.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“No.” I shake my head. “But it’s the truth. I didn’t answer you because I was scared to think about you. I couldn’t think about you out here by yourself. I couldn’t think about the look on your face when I told you I was leaving. I had to block it out, and it wasn’t the right way to handle it. I know that now. I know that I put business over you…again, and I fucked up. I’ve never felt like this before. I didn’t know how to fucking react. I’ve never had a good example of love, and that seems like an excuse, but it’s the reality of the situation. I fucked up what we had. I never told you how I was feeling when I should have because I was afraid of being weak, but I’m here now, telling you. Fucking telling you the truth. ”
Her lip trembles as she stares at me. What I wouldn’t give to be in that head of hers. To hear her thoughts, to know what her next move is going to be because I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I’ve never confessed feelings for someone, let alone begged them to stay with me. The entire situation has my stomach in knots and my heart nearly beating out of my chest.
“Believe me, Sloane,” I say. “Please. You’ve made me a stronger man. You’ve supported me; you’ve showed me that life isn’t always about business but about having fun, joking, laughing. You opened my eyes, you helped me, giving me strength to face my father. You’ve changed so much so quickly, and I can’t…” I gulp. “I can’t have you leave. Please…stay.”
She stares at me, almost dumbfounded. And for a second, I think that maybe I’ve gotten through to her, that she’ll give me a chance, until she slowly stands and moves toward the door. I stand as well, my heart ripping out of my chest as she picks up her purse and grips her suitcase, closing the space between her and the door.
With one last effort, I walk up behind her, and as she opens the door, I press my hand to the cool wood, keeping it closed while my body lines up against her back.
“Please,” my voice cracks. “Please don’t leave me.”
She looks over her shoulder at me. “Hudson.”
“I’m not lying,” I say in desperation. “I…I’m falling for you. Please don’t leave me in pieces like I left you. I’m not as strong as you, Sloane. Please. I can’t…I can’t say goodbye to you. I can’t stomach it. Stay. Hate me but stay.”
Tears fall down her cheeks as she says, “I do, I hate you.”
“I know, baby,” I say quietly, causing more tears to fall from her eyes.
“I hate you so much.” She turns more toward me, so I lift my hand to her cheek and swipe at her tears with my thumb.
“I know.”
Then she drops her purse and buries her head in my chest, sobs wracking her small frame as she repeats “I hate you” over and over again.
And I take it.
I take every emotion behind her words.
I swallow them whole, wanting to steal this pain I’ve induced as I wrap my arms around her, letting her use me anyway she wants, as long as she doesn’t leave.
“I’m so mad at you. I want to hurt you like you hurt me.”
“Hurt me, Sloane. Be mad at me. Hate me. Do anything you want, just…just stay with me.”
She pounds her fists into my chest and then pushes off me, taking a step back. Her eyes meet mine as she says, “I don’t want to have these feelings for you, Hudson. I want to be able to leave this room without tears, not giving two shits about how you feel, but…I can’t.”
“I wish I was strong enough to let you. But I’m not.”
“Fuck,” she whispers before she wets her lips and then walks up to me, loops her hand to the back of my head, and pulls me down to her mouth, kissing me with all of the intensity of her words.
My hands fall to her hips as I spin us to the wall and press her up against the smooth surface. Her hands push my shirt off my shoulders and down to the ground before going to the hem of her shirt, where she pulls it up and over her head. My hands slide up her sides, finding her braless. I keep my thumbs just under her breasts as I grip her tightly, keeping her close while her hands find my pants and undo them. She pushes them down along with my briefs.
I step out of them, and while she keeps kissing me wildly, she shimmies out of her leggings before looping her arms around my shoulders and hopping up.
I press her back to the wall and mash our mouths together, taking every ounce of her that she’s willing to give. And with the way her tongue swipes against mine and how her hands dig into my hair, it seems like she’s willing to give me everything .
Her center rubs against my length, so I move my hand between us, position my cock at her entrance, and let her take control as she lifts her hips and then slips me inside her. And it’s the best fucking feeling of my life.
“I’m sorry,” I say as I thrust inside of her. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
I move my mouth over her neck, talking to her the entire time.
“I need you, Sloane. In my life.” I kiss along her jaw. “In my arms.” I thrust deeper, her legs clamped around my waist. “In my heart. Don’t…don’t fucking leave me.” I find her mouth again and then slip my hand into one of hers, pressing it against the wall while I grip her hip with the other and thrust harder as she pants in between, her tongue dancing with mine. “Please don’t leave me.”
She groans and tightens around me.
“Please, baby.”
I thrust harder, faster.
“Stay.”
“God,” she calls out, her head falling against the wall. “Fuck.”
“Stay with me.” I release her and slip my hands under her ass and thrust her up and down over my length, watching as she tenses, then, with one final thrust, falls apart, moaning out my name as I follow right behind her, spilling myself while she contracts around me.
As we both attempt to catch our breath, I bring my hands to her face, cupping her cheeks gently as I kiss her lips, her forehead…then her nose. When I pull away, more tears fall down her cheek as her eyes meet mine.
“You don’t need to forgive me. I just ask, please, give me the chance to prove to you that I will be better. Please let me do better.”
Her teeth roll over the bottom of her lip as she slowly nods her head.
Relief floods through me as I wrap my arms around her, pulling her into a hug.
“Fuck,” I whisper. “Thank…thank you,” I say, my voice choking up. “Thank you, baby. I promise, I’ll be better. I promise…”
I run my fingers over Sloane’s back, watching her breath rise and fall as she stays in a deep slumber.
Christ.
This woman.
How did it get to this point?
How did she slip into my cold fucking heart and bury herself there?
And how come it took me so long to realize it?
Maybe because I’m so fucking jaded from my father’s behavior. Maybe because I’ve closed myself off from feeling this way, not wanting to get hurt again. But by doing that, I hurt her, and that’s something I will never forgive myself for.
I glance down at the curve of her lips, the swoop of her nose, the length of her eyelashes… She’s so goddamn beautiful, but that’s not what I like the most about her. I’m addicted to her personality, to the way she has no problem standing up to me, to how she constantly challenges me, making me fucking laugh. How insightful she is, how she makes me think differently and forces me to be a better person. She’s…she’s the entire package, meaning I can’t fuck this up again.
I drag my fingers down her back and back up. No, I need to do everything to keep this.
And I know where it starts.
I kiss the top of her head and slowly slip away from her and out of bed, making sure she stays asleep before I grab my phone off the nightstand and close the bedroom door before walking out to the terrace, naked.
I take a seat on one of the chairs and unlock my phone. The backlight of the screen nearly sears my eyes, but I sift through my contacts, and when I find Jude’s name, I hit it before bringing the phone up to my ear.
I don’t expect him to answer. I expect him to send me straight to voicemail, which is fine—I have an idea of the kind of message I’m going to leave him—but when he answers the phone, I can feel my entire body stiffen.
“What the fuck do you want?” he says as I put the phone on speaker.
“I need to talk to you.”
“I’m sure you fucking do,” he says and I’m sure if we were having this conversation in person, he’d be spitting venom.
“I’m sorry, man.”
“Sorry for what?” he asks. “For marrying my sister? For not telling me about it? For leaving her in fucking London all alone?”
“Yes,” I answer. “For all of it.”
“I trusted you. I fucking trusted you. And then you pull this bullshit. How, how am I supposed to move forward from this? You broke our trust.”
“I know,” I say, shame filling me up. “I fucked up, Jude.”
“Were you just using her?”
“At first, yes,” I say, telling the truth. “It was mutual.”
“So you bought her.”
I wince, knowing how that sounds. “We made an agreement,” I say. “But…it’s different now.”
“What do you mean it’s different now?”
I pinch my brow and say, “I…I care about her.”
“No,” he says. I can practically feel his fist coming through the phone. “No, not fucking happening.”
“Jude, I didn’t?—”
“Do you really think I want you, fucking you , Hudson, to have feelings for my sister?” I swallow the lump in my throat. “You have a better relationship with your office desk than your fucking family.”
I don’t want that to be a true fact, but given my track record…
“You’re not trustworthy. You’re more interested in the company than your family. And you go back on your word, so why would I ever want my sister to be with a man like you?”
His words hit harder.
Harder than I expected because there’s a hint of truth to them. A truth that reopens a wound.
A wound that I thought I closed, patched up, only for him to rip it wide open.
I might like her, I might be falling for her, I might need her more than I ever thought I would need another human being in order to breathe easier, but do I deserve her? That’s the question.
“This is how this is going to fucking play out,” Jude continues as a numbness takes over my body. “You come home with my sister. You end this marriage and offer her a severance package to fucking leave with a solid recommendation so she can find another job, then we’ll have a conversation about where and how the business is going to move forward from here. If that means you buy me out, we’ll figure it out, but moving forward, you are my wife’s brother, and that’s it. Nothing more.”
End it with her?
Bile rises up my throat from the mere thought of that.
“Did you hear me?” Jude shouts.
“Yes,” I say, my voice cracking and my mind whirling with what it would be like to stop talking to her. To give her up. To let her walk away.
“You will stay away from her, understood? You stay fucking far away from her. I don’t want to see you near her, talking to her, even looking at her. She’s not yours. Get that through your fucking head: she’s not yours. Do you fucking understand?”
I wet my lips and squeeze my eyes shut.
I don’t want to agree.
I don’t want to say goodbye.
But…he’s right. She deserves so much more.
So is there really any other option than for me to let go? For me to suffer? Even if it will rip my heart out of my chest.
“Do you fucking understand, Hudson? ”
“Yes,” I answer, the one word feeling like razor blades falling out of my mouth.
“Good.” And then he hangs up.
I lean back in the chair and stare up at the sky, my nerves twisting in knots, my breath shortened in my lungs.
How the fuck am I supposed to just walk away? After what we shared tonight? After the feelings we have? I’m just supposed to take her back to the States and be done with her?
I think back to earlier tonight, how she wanted to leave me. How she desperately wanted to shake me away.
How she repeated over and over again how much she hates me.
I’m…I’m not being fair to her. I’m playing with her emotions for my benefit.
Once again…something my father would do.
But I will not be him. I will not fucking act like him.
She will dictate how this relationship goes, and if that means I say goodbye to her tomorrow, then so be it. But at least I have tonight. One more night with her.
I stand from the chair and head back into the hotel room. I shut the terrace door behind me and make my way into the bedroom, where I find her curled up on her side of the bed. I plug my phone back in and slip under the covers, moving over to her side. I bring her warm body in close to mine, wrap my arm around her waist, and bury my head into her hair.
Mine.
She’s fucking mine.
Not for long.
But she’s mine for now.