3. Jackson
3
JACKSON
T his could either be the best decision I’ve ever made or one of the worst. Either way, there’s no turning back now.
I look out at the view as the plane begins its descent toward Hawaii. Below, the islands rise from the ocean like some impossibly perfect postcard. The sight makes my heart jackhammer in my chest. It’s been almost a year since I was here. A year should have been enough time to get over Alana. But I failed completely, and now I’m coming back to see her again.
I know the odds are against me. She made it crystal clear she didn’t want any strings attached. But I’ve spent almost a year with her constantly on my mind, and I’m going crazy. I have to try.
The airplane touches down, and I stand up from my seat, relieved to finally remove myself from the too-small airplane seat. As I exit the plane, warm tropical air hits me, heavy with moisture and the scent of flowers. My pulse quickens with every step I take toward the terminal.
Whatever happens tonight, at least I’ll have an answer.
When I show up at Honu that night, it looks just like I remember it. The same weathered wooden sign. The same warm glow spilling from the windows. The same sound of locals chatting and laughing inside.
I take a deep breath and walk in. The scent of beer and worn wood surrounds me. It’s almost like stepping right back in time. Alana stands behind the bar, pouring a shot of something amber into a glass as she talks to a customer. Her dark braid falls down her back, swinging a little as she moves. My throat goes dry at the sight of her.
Then she looks up. The smile drops from her face. She nearly fumbles the bottle she’s holding.
She recovers quickly, finishing with her customer before coming around the bar toward me. Her face is serious, guarded. We meet in the middle of the room.
“What are you doing here?” Her voice is steady, but her eyes give away her shock.
I drink in the sight of her—she’s even more beautiful than I remembered. Jesus, those curves . “I came to see you.”
Alana glances around the bar, then jerks her head toward the door. “We need to talk outside.”
I follow her through the door, confused by her reaction. She leads me to a spot a few steps away from the entrance, where we won’t be overheard.
“Did they give you my messages?” Her eyes search mine intently.
“What messages?” I ask.
“The ones I sent to the team.”
Hearing that she tried to reach me sends a jolt of hope straight through me. “No. No one reached out.”
She processes this. “So you just decided to come on your own?”
“Yeah.” I run a hand over my jaw. “I haven’t been able to get you out of my head, Alana. I know what you said about keeping things casual, and I tried to respect that. But I had to come back. I had to see if there was any chance for us.”
She hesitates, looking down. I can tell there’s something she’s struggling to say. Finally, she takes a breath. “Okay, I’m just going to tell you. Jackson, after you left, I found out I was pregnant. I had a baby two months ago.”
The words hit me like a fastball to the chest. I stare at her, unable to form a coherent thought. “What? Are you serious?”
She nods, confirming the bombshell she just dropped.
“A baby.” I repeat the word, trying to make it real. “Boy or girl?”
“Boy.”
A son. I have a son. The concept is too huge to grasp. “Where is he? Can I meet him?”
“He’s with my mom when I’m working.” She watches my face carefully. “You can meet him tomorrow, if that works for you.”
“Of course it does.”
“Where are you staying?” A hint of a smile touches her lips. “The Palm?”
“No. I rented a guesthouse this time.”
“What’s the address? We’ll come by tomorrow afternoon.”
I pull out my phone and give her the address, which she commits to memory before glancing back at the bar.
“I need to get back to work, but I’ll see you tomorrow.”
And then she’s gone, slipping back inside, leaving me standing alone with my world completely turned upside down. A baby. I’ve spent the last year thinking about a lot of possibilities, but becoming a father wasn’t on the list.
Jesus. Talk about life throwing curveballs.
The next afternoon, a knock at the door of my rental sends a shot of adrenaline through me. I open it to find Alana standing there with a tiny human strapped to her chest in a fabric carrier. The baby faces outward, taking in the world with wide, alert eyes.
I’ve had half a day to process this news, but seeing them together still knocks the wind out of me. This is my kid. My son.
“Come in,” I manage to say, stepping back from the doorway.
Alana slips off her sandals and turns to give me a better view of the baby. “This is Kai.”
I look at my son, who’s staring back at me with big brown eyes that somehow already look knowing, and something shifts inside my chest. It’s a feeling I’ve never experienced before—powerful and protective, almost overwhelming.
Alana pulls a colorful blanket from her bag and spreads it across the living room floor. With a mother's sureness, she lifts Kai out of the carrier and sets him on the blanket. As she works on removing the baby wrap, I sit down near Kai and reach out to touch his tiny hand.
His fingers, impossibly small, wrap around mine with surprising strength. He looks at me intently, like he’s sizing me up.
“Tell me everything about him,” I say.
Alana laughs as she sits down across from me. “Well, he loves music—starts kicking his legs whenever he hears it. He’s already trying to roll over, which the doctor says is early. And he’s huge for his age. The nurses at his last checkup kept commenting on how big his shoulders are.”
I look more carefully at the chunky baby on the blanket. “Yeah, he’s definitely my kid.” I realize how that might sound and quickly add, “Not that I had any doubts. Just meant?—”
“I understand.” Alana smiles. “For the record, there’s no chance he’s anyone else’s. But yeah, he’s a big boy.” She rubs her lower back. “Those shoulders of his made labor pretty intense.”
Regret hits me hard. “I wish I’d been there.”
“My mom helped me through it.”
“I’m glad for that, but I still wish I’d been there.” I meet her eyes. “Not just for the birth. For everything. Your whole pregnancy. It must have been hard doing it alone.”
“I managed.” But her expression softens, and I catch a glimpse of the Alana I connected with a year ago.
Our eyes lock, and for a moment, it feels like no time has passed. Then Kai lets out a wail that breaks the moment. Alana immediately shifts into mom mode, checking on him. “Someone needs a fresh diaper.” She reaches for her bag.
“I can change him,” I offer.
She looks surprised but nods. “Okay.” She pulls out a changing pad, diaper, and wipes from her bag.
“Full disclosure, I’ve never done this before,” I warn her. “You’ll need to walk me through it.”
“No problem.” She lays out the supplies. “First, put the changing pad under him.”
I follow her instructions, fumbling a bit but getting it done under her guidance. When I finish, I tickle Kai’s belly. “There you go, buddy. All clean. I’m planning to get a lot better at this, so cut me some slack, okay?”
I catch Alana’s expression—hesitant, uncertain. I get it. She isn’t expecting me to suddenly become a permanent fixture in Kai’s life. But I can’t imagine anything else. Sure, finding out I have a son was a shock. Having kids wasn’t in my game plan. But how could I not want this? I came here for Alana—Kai just gives me one more reason to stay.
“Do you know any houses available to rent around here?” I ask, watching her pack up the changing supplies.
She pauses. “You mean for you?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“What are you saying, Jackson?”
“My plane ticket was one-way.” I touch Kai’s tiny foot, amazed by the adorable little toes. “There’s nothing I need to get back to anytime soon.”
Alana sits back. “You came here planning to stay? Even before knowing about Kai?”
I nod. “I know our time together wasn’t supposed to be anything serious. I’ve spent the last year trying to convince myself of that. But I couldn’t do it. And I knew if there was any chance for us, I had to come back and fight for it.”
Alana’s eyes fill with emotion, but she shakes her head. “Jackson, I’m flattered. And if I had room in my life for a relationship, you’re the one I’d want. But I can’t do it, not right now. My life is Kai, and work. I’m already overwhelmed as it is.”
Disappointment slams into me. “Right.”
“I want you to be in Kai’s life as much as you want to be,” she continues. “You’re his father. You have every right to that. But I can’t be with you. I’m sorry, Jackson.”
This morning, I felt so damn hopeful. Now that hope feels crushed. “I understand,” I tell her, even though the words pain me. I look down at Kai, who’s contentedly kicking his legs. “Can I watch him tonight when you’re working?”
“Of course.” She seems relieved by the change of subject. “I can bring his things here, or you can come to my place.”
“Either works. Whatever’s easier for you.”
I reach out, and Kai grabs my finger again, this time breaking into a drooly smile that hits me right in the chest. “Damn. This kid’s going to be a heartbreaker.”
As I look at my son, I think about how much I’m looking forward to getting to know him better. And how, thankfully, Kai seems like he wants to see more of me too.
I just wish his mother would look at me the same way.