Broken Country (Reese’s Book Club)

31. 1968

1968

Leo and I are in the garden at Meadowlands when a black taxi comes rattling up the drive. It’s such an unusual sight, here in the depths of Dorset, we stand together and watch to see who it is arriving.

“Do you think that cab’s come all the way from London?” Leo says.

“Only if they’re a millionaire. No one else would be able to afford it.”

“It’s my mom, it’s my mom!” Leo shrieks, as the passenger in the back seat first comes into view. He’s running over to the taxi, trying to open the door before it’s even drawn to a halt.

Louisa steps out, her arms held wide, and her son leaps into them.

“Mom. Mom. Mama.” He says it over and over, his voice reducing to a whimper, and it is all I can do to stop myself from bursting into tears.

“Why didn’t you say you were coming?” Leo says, when they break apart.

“I wanted to surprise you. I did check in with your dad to make sure you’d be here, but I didn’t tell him either.”

Louisa looks over at me for the first time. A guarded smile. “Beth,” she says. “It’s nice to see you again. I’ve heard so much about you in the last few months.”

The front door opens, Gabriel comes running down the steps. “My God, Louisa,” he says. “I can’t believe it.”

She looks up at him, a little wary, but he’s grinning as he kisses her cheek.

“This is the best surprise, isn’t it, Leo? How long can you stay?”

“A few days while my parents look after Marcus. I thought, if it was all right with you, I could take Leo to London. We could stay in a hotel, visit some of our old haunts.” She looks down at her son. “Would you like that?”

“I would love it!”

Leo wraps his arms around his mother’s waist and the three of them start walking toward the house, father, mother, son. It’s an odd sensation watching them, picturing the family they once were. Two parents and one son. Just like Frank and me and Bobby.

At the front door, Gabriel remembers me. “Beth, won’t you come in for a cup of tea?”

I shake my head. “Absolutely not,” I say. “It’s lovely for Leo to have some time alone with both of you. I’ll leave you to it.”

Later, Frank and I are finishing supper when the phone rings.

“Beth? Is that you?”

The voice is high, nervous, American.

“Louisa.”

“Leo and I are going to London first thing, so I won’t have a chance to see you again. I wondered—you might think this odd—would you meet me in the pub for a quick drink?”

“You don’t have to drop everything the minute that family calls,” Frank says, when I put the phone down. “You don’t do it for anyone else.”

It hasn’t gone unnoticed I’ve been returning from Meadowlands later and later this summer, and sometimes there’s the tang of alcohol on my breath. My marriage is in a downward slide and I know, only too well, what needs to be done to halt it. The trouble is, I’m not sure I want to. I’ve felt happier—if you can call it that—in these past weeks with Leo and Gabriel than I have in years. It’s selfish of me to carry on like this when I know how much I am hurting Frank. But I don’t seem to be able to stop.

When I arrive at the pub, Louisa is already there, sitting at a small corner table with two gin and tonics in front of her.

“Gin all right?” she says, sliding a glass toward me. Her smile is warm, open. She wants us to be friends.

There was a time when I used to pore over press photos of Louisa and Gabriel. If she was unsmiling in the picture, I’d decide she was cold, haughty. If they looked particularly happy and in love, I would remind myself she had stolen him from me. She was a ruthless American and Gabriel hadn’t stood a chance, was the story I told myself.

“Leo was over the moon to see you,” I say now. “He hasn’t looked like that in all the months I’ve known him. So radiant. It was wonderful to see.”

“He has changed so much. I can hardly believe it. My little boy has gone.”

“It must be hard not being with him.”

“You have no idea.” Louisa places a manicured hand over her heart. Pale pink nails with white tips. Gold bangles jangling on her wrist. She looks so well put together in her spotless white coatdress. Just like her mother. And Tessa Wolfe. Women of a different caliber to anyone I know. It’s not just money that sets her apart—Louisa has real style, I think.

“To be honest, Beth, I’m finding it really difficult living away from him. I’m constantly on the brink of saying, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ I wish he’d come and live in the States with me.”

“Deep down, he probably wants to.”

“I’m not so sure. He and Gabe are very close. Leo chose to stay here with him.”

“And Gabriel would be devastated.”

I would be devastated. My little surrogate family ripped apart.

“Which is why I’m trying to see if we can make this work. The problem is Gabe never tells me how Leo is really doing. I guess he doesn’t want to worry me. But I sense things aren’t great. Will you be honest with me? Is he all right?”

I hesitate for a moment, torn between wanting to do what is best for Leo and feeling whatever I say might inadvertently hurt Gabriel. I don’t know Louisa well enough for a cards-on-the-table conversation.

“Please, Beth. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t worried about him.”

I nod to show her I understand.

“He does seem very close to his father like you say. Leo is happy when he’s at Meadowlands. But he finds school hard, he doesn’t seem to have many friends there. He struggles to control his anger, there’s been trouble over that. The main thing is, he really misses you.”

“What would you do? Would you insist on him coming back to America with you? As a mother—”

Louisa breaks off. Panic flits across her pretty face. “Forgive me. I spoke without thinking.”

“It’s fine,” I say, too crisply. I know my voice hardens when there’s a reference to Bobby—it’s how I steel myself. “But I can’t answer that. I’ve never been in your situation. If you can find a way to visit more, I’m sure Leo will be fine. Sooner or later, he will begin to settle here.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I do. It’s early days, he has only been living here for a few months. By this time next year, I bet he’ll be back to his old self.”

“You’re a nice person, Beth. I’m glad Leo has you in his life.”

It’s strange how with certain women you can be enemies one minute and intimates the next. By the time we have bought our second drink, I feel Louisa and I could talk about anything.

“What went wrong with you and Gabriel?” I say, looking up at Louisa. “Do you mind me asking? You always looked so happy and in love when I saw your photo in the papers.”

“Did we? Just goes to show how deceptive appearances can be. Oh, I loved him, absolutely I did. And Gabe tried to love me back. But we were kidding ourselves.”

“Do you think you’d have got married if you hadn’t had Leo?”

The words are out before I can stop them. “Sorry, it’s none of my business,” I say.

But Louisa shakes her head, unfazed. “In all honesty? Probably not. Gabe asked me to marry him the moment I found out I was pregnant. It was me who wanted to wait. Looking back, I was still hoping he’d fall in love with me.”

“And Tessa? I can’t imagine she was happy about you being pregnant?”

“She didn’t care one bit. Just thrilled we were engaged and we were giving her plenty of time to plan the party of her dreams.”

I pick up my drink and take a big glug of gin. It is never a good idea talking about Tessa Wolfe. I can hear her scornful tone as if it were yesterday. Boys like Gabriel don’t end up with girls like you.

“Why did you split up in the end?”

“I was visiting my parents in the States and my father invited Michael—Marcus’s father—for dinner. They were working on a movie together. It’s a cliché to say it was love at first sight but he was just so smitten with me, so charming and forthright. He said he was completely bowled over by me. And you know, that was something I’d never experienced before. I’m not making excuses, really, I’m not. I will always feel guilty about falling in love with someone else while I was married.”

She looks straight at me with a clear, unflinching stare. “You can’t imagine how wearing it is, how endlessly demoralizing, knowing your husband loved someone else far more than he would ever love you.”

I look down at the table, trying to gather myself. I can’t really believe what I am hearing. Once upon a time, the only thing I wanted to know was that Gabriel loved me more than Louisa. It gives me little pleasure to hear it now. I love Frank and the life we built together so painstakingly. There will never be a time when I don’t love Frank, when I don’t need him. Even having this conversation feels like a betrayal. And yet, I feel it, the unmistakable rush of adrenaline. A knot of excitement in the base of my stomach.

“I don’t know what went on between the two of you, but I can tell you it ruined Gabriel for anyone else. I was an obvious rebound, I’d been in love with him from the beginning.”

Every word Louisa speaks seems to echo right through me. Beneath the table I clasp my hands together, almost afraid to look up at her.

“Everything has happened the wrong way round, hasn’t it?” Louisa says, and I inhale sharply in an effort not to cry.

“Can I say one more thing and then we’ll change the subject, I promise. I can see you’re upset. I’m sorry, Beth.” Louisa reaches out and takes hold of my hand, just for a moment. Her diamond engagement ring is insultingly large. “It’s not too late.”

She leaves the rest of the sentence unsaid.

It’s not too late for you and Gabriel.