36. 36
36
PARKER
O ne month.
That’s how long Lyla had been in this state.
She’s back at work, but I can tell she’s still struggling. Nothing is more confusing than seeing this once vivid and happy woman turn into a shell of herself. Blank stares, lifeless eyes, pale skin that’s missing its usual glow. It’s unnerving me to see someone who had once been so full of life turn into a desolate being.
I’ve tried over and over again, attempting to get her to confide in me. Every effort is dismissed and every offer to spend time together is shot down. My anxiety is spiraling and I don’t know how much longer I can navigate this without crumbling.
I miss Lyla.
I miss our hikes, our long conversations that go into the night, feeling her skin against mine. I miss my best friend and I’m not confident that I’ll get her back.
It’s a Friday, our shift is almost over, and Cassie will be coming to relieve us soon .
I don’t want to spend another weekend without Lyla, so I decide to shoot my shot.
“Hey, do you want to come over for dinner and stay the night?”
Lyla chews on her lip and refuses to meet my gaze.
“I think I’m just going to crash early tonight. Maybe another time.”
I let out a sigh, feeling my frustration growing every day. I want to know what’s wrong and instead of trusting me, she’s shutting me out. Despite everything that we’ve been through, everything I’ve done to prove myself to her, it isn’t enough.
I’m not enough.
I toss my book down on the front counter, abandoning my attempt to read the same paragraph for the tenth time. The noise startles her, and her eyes finally shoot to mine.
“I don’t know what else I can do here, Lyla,” I say honestly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Her stance immediately becomes combative, placing her clenched fists on her hips and eyes narrowing.
“I’ve tried. Every single day, for a month, I have tried. You’re shutting me out and I can’t take it anymore. God, I thought I was the one person you trusted but I guess I let it all go to my head.”
I see her flinch before her composure settles again.
“Nobody said you have to stay, Parker.”
Her words leave an echo in my soul, bouncing around and settling deep within my chest. An ache forms and I barely whisper my next words.
“Are you saying you don’t want to be with me? You’d be okay if I just ended it right now?”
“I didn’t say that. But maybe we need some space.”
I let out a humorless laugh.
“More space than you’ve already created?” I ask sarcastically.
Hurt is written all over her face and I instantly regret my words. I’m lashing out because of my fear of losing her entirely. While it’s fair that I’m frustrated, it isn’t fair for me to take it out on her .
As I open my mouth to apologize, Cassie strolls into the store.
“Hey guys, I—whoa, the air in here is thick.”
She looks skeptically between the two of us, assessing.
“I can come back?”
Just as I’m about to say yes, Lyla utters, “No need.”
And just like that, she gathers her things and bolts for the stairs. I run a hand over my beard, exasperated and spent. Every urge tells me to run after her. Every instinct tells me to force her to talk to me.
But my heart is telling me not to push her right now.
Cassie slowly turns her head to look at me, her brow lifted in a silent question.
“I don’t know what to do, Cass,” I admit. “She won’t talk to me. I don’t know how to help her.”
She stands thoughtfully for a moment, looking back towards the stairs before meeting my gaze again.
“Lyla isn’t used to people sticking around through the hard times. I think her natural reaction is to create distance. It’s safer that way because then she can rationalize when they leave. But what she really needs is for people not to give up on her.”
“I won’t give up but…” I sigh. “Cassie, she has to try, too. I know it’s uncomfortable for her to trust but she has to be the one to take that leap. I can only do so much to prove myself to her.”
She nods sadly in understanding.
“Maybe I should cancel my trip home.”
“No, you’ve been waiting to go visit your parents for months. I’ll check in on her, I promise.”
Cassie gives me a grateful smile. “Thank you. I can come back if I need to, I’ll only be about an hour away.”
I gather my things before exiting the store, vowing not to give up.
Friday night
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said today.
I love you.
It’s fine. Love you, too.
Saturday
Just checking to see how you’re doing?
Just text me back so I know you’re okay.
Lyla, you’re worrying me.
Please text me or call me. I need to hear your voice.
Something isn’t right. I can feel it deep in my chest, along with a nagging feeling that I should go to her apartment. I don’t want to force myself on her like this, but something is telling me that I need to check on her. Despite the lack of communication lately, not hearing from her at all isn’t normal. I get one word answers a lot of the time, but not getting a response at all is making me feel distressed.
I look at the clock.
Two-thirty in the afternoon.
I know she wouldn’t be sleeping this late, which causes my heart to beat erratically in my chest.
When you have anxiety, sometimes it’s hard to rationalize what is something you should worry about, and what isn’t. This time, I feel that my concern is valid.
I spend the next half an hour spiraling, obsessing over what to do. Would she be mad if I stopped by to check on her? Maybe, as I had promised her space. Though perhaps she would realize how much I care about her and finally confide in me.
As my anxiety continues to run wild, something in a past conversation sticks out to me. Latching onto it, I repeat it over and over in my head, like it was a riddle I can solve if I concentrate hard enough.
“There’s… a darkness that lives in me. I know I seem happy a lot of the time, and sometimes I really am. But other times, I get a little lost.”
Abruptly, I launch off the couch and into action. I grab my keys off the counter, toss on some boots and winter jacket, and run to my truck. My heart is attempting to beat out my chest, and I try to steady my breathing. Driving is a risk I have to take, despite my panic.
I hop into the cab, and insert my key, my engine roaring to life and I speed towards her, hoping it isn’t as bad as I fear.