Chapter Thirty-Three
chapter thirty-three
MAY
I pour myself a generous glass of pinot gris as I wait for the bath to fill up. I dumped an outrageous amount of bubble bath into the water, so I’m half expecting the room to be overrun by some form of a bubble monster by the time I get back.
I swipe my book off the coffee table and make my way back to the bathroom, and when I step inside, it’s like heaven. Baths are so underrated.
I’ve got the room lit by candlelight, the bubble bath has enveloped the room in the smell of pomegranate and something floral, and the steam floating off the surface of the water means it’s the perfect temperature. Hot enough to scald all the dead skin cells off my body without boiling me alive.
I slip my robe off and poke a toe under the surface.
“Shit!” I hiss.
My toes are always the worst. Just do it, May. Don’t be a wimp. Just sit your ass in the tub and you’ll be fine.
I dunk my whole body in the water. “Ooh!” I make a cacophony of stupid noises as my body gets used to the heat of the water.
“Ahh,” I sigh as I finally settle. Finally, some peace and quiet. I feel like I’ve been running a rat race lately, and I can’t even keep track of my emotions. I just need some time for myself to get my head straight. Forget about everything else but the warm water around me, and my current read.
I reach over the edge of the tub and pick up my book. Flipping it to where my bookmark sits and settling into a comfy position.
I’ve got to be less than 20 words in when my phone starts to ring. Who could be calling me right now? No one calls me.
I sigh and reach over to flip my phone over to see that my mom is Face Timing me.
Huh. I haven’t heard from her in months. I swipe to answer.
“Hey Mom.”
“Mayberry! How are you, my angel?”
I cringe internally at the terrible nickname she loves to call me. “I’m good. How are you? Where are you?” She looks like she’s surrounded by alpacas?
“We are in Peru at a llama farm! Look, Dave’s feeding one now!” She turns the camera so I can see Dave flinching as the llama eats little pellets out of his hand.
“He needs to flatten his hand,” I say, watching as Dave narrowly misses getting his pinky chomped off. “Tell him to open his palm.”
“Open your palm, sweetheart!” Dave jumps as the llama licks his hand and my mom laughs so loudly, I need to adjust the volume on my phone.
“How are things going with you two?” I ask. It kind of feels like an odd question to ask my mom, considering we don’t really talk like this, don’t really talk at all. But something about the way her face drops after she’s finished laughing makes the question bubble up.
“Since when have you had a bath in your apartment?” She says, avoiding the question completely.
I didn’t even realize I never told her I moved to Italy. I’d feel guilty except for the fact that I quite literally never know where she is in the world at any given moment. The fact that she’s even called me at all is surprising .
“I moved to Italy.”
“Italy! There must be some gorgeous men there, huh?” I flinch when the image of Rafael appears in my head immediately.
Of course that’s what she thinks about first. Yes, my mom doesn’t trust men, but that doesn’t mean she’s not constantly checking them out.
“Pretty gorgeous,” I say mindlessly. “You didn't answer my question.”
“Sorry, what question?”
I roll my eyes. “Is everything okay with you and Dave?”
“Of course. Why wouldn't it be?”
“I don’t know, you just have this kind of look in your eye.”
“Mayberry, you know how it is in relationships. Men…they’ll always let you down in one way or another. Dave isn’t immune to those traits.”
My tummy sinks at the reminder, and my memory throws me back to the man who let me down. My mind floods with the images of his face when I told him about the positive pregnancy test, the image of his back as he walked away.
I need to change the subject.
“Oh! Dave is inside the fence. Oh! Oh my god! I need to go! Love you sweetie, bye!” The call disconnects.
Well, that was as hectic as ever.
I sigh as I drop my phone over the edge of the bath before sinking down into the water, letting it wash over my hair.
I don’t know why simply talking to my mother reminds me of all the things that can—and have—gone wrong. It’s the one thing she never lets me forget, even when she’s not trying to tell me anything. It’s like as soon as I hear her voice, I'm reminded of the lessons she drilled into me all those years ago.
When Owen left me, and I learned that I wasn’t pregnant, it felt like someone had dug a grave for my heart, tossed it in and covered it in dirt before I could even catch up. It’s the prime example of why relationships with men don’t work. Not serious ones, anyway. I can basically hear my mother’s voice reciting that in my mind. Remembering the way she tried to console me, but I could feel it. The way she was aching to say I told you so. The way that after that she went back to reminding me time after time why men can’t be trusted, using Owen as the perfect example.
I groan, because everything with Rafael feels serious. Too serious. I’ve cried in front of him twice now. I’m walking a tightrope, and I don’t want to reach the end, I just want to throw myself off the edge.
I don’t do serious. Or do I now? My mind is spinning. I told him I don’t want to be alone forever, and even though it was something I said in the heat of the moment, I think it’s true. Now it’s my stomach that is spinning.
This is all too much too soon. I was supposed to be staying unattached, not allowing myself the chance to break both of our hearts. I need some fun, something different, someone who wants nothing more from me than what I want from them. I reach for my phone again, but this time I do something really stupid. I open Tinder.
When my mind was swirling about my romantic situation in the bathtub earlier, I completely forgot that I had a shift at Marina’s tonight. By the time I had remembered, it was too late. I’d already organized to meet up with Dean.
Yes, that Dean.
Pussy tingling Dean.
When his face showed up on my screen, it felt like a sign. I can have a lighthearted night with him, and I know he’ll leave at the end of the night and probably never contact me again. Exactly what I need.
Except that now I’m working, so I asked him to meet me at the bar. We can have a date while I’m behind the bar. It’s a Friday night, so it’s busy, but Molly is here as well as Tamara, one of the casual workers, so I should be able to manage it.
I hear the bell above the door jingle faintly above the noise of the bar. I look over to the door expecting to see Dean’s pretty face, but instead I’m met with fierce brown eyes, and a backwards cap paired with scruffy facial hair. Rafael’s eyes search the bar for mine and find them immediately. The butterflies in my stomach go wild and I press a hand to my abdomen as if that will tamp them down. He looks irresistible. And guilt pulses through my veins like I’ve never felt before.
“ Ciao ,” he says with a genuine smile as he sits down at the bar in front of me.
“What are you doing here?”
He frowns. “Can a man not have a simple beer at his local bar?”
I say nothing, I just pop the top off his regular drink and set it in front of him. My eyes flick to the door when the bell sounds again.
Rafael looks at the door after me. “Expecting someone?”
I shake my head a bit too vigorously. “Nope.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Good,” he says. My heart sinks. I need to get him out of here before Dean shows up. I won’t hear the end of it if there’s a brawl in here on my watch, let alone if it’s over me.
He assesses me with stern eyes. The last time he saw me, I was crying on his shoulder, and now he’s here, about to witness me seeing another guy. Why the fuck did I do this? Anyone would think I was drunk when I made the decision to text Dean, but no. Stone cold sober, and just a fucking idiot.
“You seem…restless,” he says.
I don’t know how to respond to that. Yeah, I am restless, because the guy you caught me screwing in your restaurant months ago is about to walk in for a date with me, and you weren’t supposed to be here.
“May,” Molly says from where she’s appeared next to me. “The jukebox died again. I know you fixed it last time?— ”
“Let’s go,” I say. I’ll gladly take any way out of that conversation with Rafael.
I just have to give the jukebox a few shoves with my entire body weight, and it crackles back to life. The patrons around me cheer and I bow before I walk back to the bar, shaking my head as I look down at my feet.
“May.” I look up and see Dean leaning against the end of the bar. He’s grinning like a Cheshire Cat, but my heart just drops.
This was a mistake.
I can’t ignore the fact that the butterflies that live in my stomach don’t even bat their wings at the sight of him. They’re absent compared to when Rafael walked through the doors.
I barely say hello before he’s leaning in and pressing a kiss to my lips.
Oh shit.
When he pulls away, I get my first peek of Rafael behind him, and I immediately know I’ve screwed up. Bad.
His eyes are laced with hurt, and it makes my gut churn. Guilt rolls through my body, making me feel sick. I’ve never been worried about hurting a guy's feelings before, none of them meaning anything to me. But this is different.
“My eyes are up here,” Dean laughs, moving into the space where I was looking around him to see Rafael.
I look up at him and frown. “Sorry I—” I glance over his shoulder and see Rafael pushing on the door.
“Rafael!” I yell out, but the doors shut behind him before I can get the whole word out. I push past Dean and weave through the bar to push the door open. As soon as I burst out into the cool evening air, I see him leaning against the wall of Marina’s.
His head turns in my direction, and as soon as he sees me, he starts walking the other way. “Wait. Rafael!” I start following after him.
A second passes before he whips around to face me. “Were you seeing him this entire time?” he yells, before he runs a hand over his face. “God, I was an idiot.” He starts muttering in Italian and turns to keep walking.
His hurt stabs me right in the chest as much as I wish it wouldn’t. As much as I wish he had no effect on me. In trying to remain unattached, I managed to do the one thing I desperately didn’t want to do—I hurt him. Suddenly the idea that he thinks I was seeing someone else twists the knife, even though that’s exactly what I had planned on doing tonight. I have to mentally pull the blade out before I can follow after him.
I run and catch his arm in my grip. “Raf?—”
“All this time?!”
I shake my head. “No!”
“Someone else then?”
“No!” I yell, feeling defensive. “I?—”
I don’t know what I was even going to say, but I get cut off before I can say anything.
“I can’t believe this. Can’t believe you.” He shakes his head.
“I’m sorry.” The words feel useless.
“No, I’m sorry. I should’ve never let myself get like this with you. This was never going to work, and I don’t know why I ever thought it would. I should’ve believed you when you told me this was nothing more than sex.”
“Rafael, no—” He looks away from me. “I was wrong. I was wrong! It's so much more. Please believe me.” Tears burn in my eyes. “Please.” I reach for his hand, but he pulls it away. “Please, I was scared,” I whisper.
His eyes flicker, but before he can say anything, a voice floats down towards us. “May…is everything okay here?” Dean appears in the street, looking like a weary animal.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Rafael mutters. “This guy.”
“Dean, you should leave.” He doesn’t move. “Seriously, piss off.” I say it with a bit more aggression than he deserved, but I don’t want Rafael to go anywhere. Dean slinks off into the shadows. I’ll have to apologize for that later.
“I hate that guy. ”
“He hasn’t done anything to you.” I don’t know why I’m choosing now to defend him. Someone needs to slap me.
“No?” Rafael asks, backing me up against the wall. “Maybe not, but that doesn’t matter. I hate him. I hate him because he can give you everything that I can’t.”
My heart is beating out of my chest.
“Casual. No strings attached, right? Is that what was written in his dumb Tinder profile?”
“I’m the one you should hate,” I whisper, my eyes pricking with tears. We are close enough now that I can feel his warm breath against my cold skin.
He scoffs a laugh. “Oh, I hate you more than you know.”
I flinch at how easily he says it, even though I’ve said it to him so many times myself. I’ve meant it too, but I don’t mean it anymore.
“I hate you because I can’t stop thinking about you. I burn for you, May. Every single cell in my body lights on fire when you’re near me.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t give you casual. I can’t give you no strings attached because I’m already attached. Being around you fuels me, whether you hate me or not. And I hate you the most, because you don’t trust that. You don’t trust me enough to stop pretending that you don’t feel that same fire in your belly that I do.” He pokes one of his fingers into my abdomen.
That fire is blazing more than ever at this moment, and I don’t know how to say that out loud. So I just crush his lips to mine.
Rafael doesn’t hesitate. His hands instantly find my body as he kisses me like he did that day at the waterfall, with what I thought was anger and frustration, but what I now recognize as fire.
He groans as I tug his bottom lip between my teeth. “May,” he grits out. I hear the hesitation in his voice. After everything he just said, I don’t blame him. He’s right.
“I’m done with this back and forth. I’m done with all this bullshit.” He gestures in the direction of where Dean was just standing. “ I need to know if you're in or out, and if you're out, just tell me. I can’t play this game any longer.”
My eyes sting with unshed tears. In this moment, the thing I feel the most is anger at myself. How could I ever look at this man and think he would hurt me? I’m the one doing the hurting, and I don't want to hurt anymore.
I shake my head. “I’m in.”
“Are you sure? I'm giving you an out here as much as it kills me to do so.”
I shake my head again. “I want this. I want you, need you.” His lips meet mine in between my words. “I can’t distract myself from you. I can’t distance myself from you as much as I try.”
I pull away so he can see the truth in my eyes. “There’s been no one else. How could there be? I wanted to get my mind off of you tonight, but…I can’t, and I’m tired of trying to. As soon as I saw Dean, I knew it was a mistake. I don’t have an excuse but,” I tighten my grip on his hair. “Please, Rafael, I need you .”
That does it. He picks me up and smashes his lips back onto mine. I can feel every word he just spoke with every swipe of his tongue. Every breath shared is like a secret language, and I just hope he can decipher what I’m saying. He didn’t want to sleep with me until I asked him to. But he also didn’t want to sleep with me again until he knew this is what I want, that he’s what I want. I don’t know how to trust him, but god do I want to. It goes against everything that I was taught, everything that I know, but I feel safe in his arms. I don’t feel like he’d drop me.
But I’m sure that’s what my mom thought about my dad. I thought that about Owen, and where did that get me? I don’t want to end up there again.
“Hey,” Rafael says softly, bringing me back into the moment.
I was so in my head I didn’t realize where he brought us. We are standing in Olive&Vine. I really was in my head if I barely registered him unlocking the door and getting us in here.
“Hey,” he says again. With more urgency this time. I look up into his dark eyes and all I can see is understanding. “I know you’re scared of this, of that feeling in there,” he pokes my chest. “We don’t have to do this now. I want you to trust me.” He rubs his thumb across my cheekbone, and I lean into his touch.
“Can I trust you?” I ask. It’s a stupid question, but I want to hear him say it. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. That fire in my belly he spoke about…it’s never been there before, but it sparked the day I met him.
“I can’t force you to feel a certain way. All I can do is tell you how I feel. I don’t expect you to give me everything, only as much as you want to give me. But I can promise you I won’t disappear on you. I will do everything in my power to never make you feel the way you’re so scared of feeling again.” Here come those tears again. Why does this man make me cry so much?
“I know you might not believe it right now, but give me a chance to prove it to you. Please.”
I kiss him. “I hate you so much.”
He just smiles against my lips. “Oh, I hate you too.” He kisses me harder.
Anyone would think we are crazy, but we both know those words are a promise. A promise to stop pretending like we don’t feel anything other than hate towards each other. To finally give in to one another, whatever that looks like.
Rafael’s hands grip my waist, pulling me closer to him as we continue to kiss like our lives depend on it.
Our hot breaths mingle in the air between our open mouths. He tastes like beer and fire, and I can’t get enough. I pull on his hair and he palms my ass as he walks us backwards until the backs of my legs hit a table. Rafael lifts me up, sitting me on the table without letting his lips leave mine. Or maybe I’m the one who doesn’t let him. I’m desperate, starving for his touch.
I wrap my legs around his waist and use my heels to push his hips into me so I can feel the hardness under his jeans. “I need you,” I say. “Now.”
“Are you going to let me take the reins this time?” He asks, unbuttoning my denim shorts .
“You’re acting like you didn’t have control last time,” I pant. “You could do anything to me, Rafael. In this, I trust you a hundred percent.”
His eyes turn molten as he looks down at me. “Lay down.”
I don’t hesitate before laying back on the table. Tonight I’ll relent all my control. I want to give Rafael any trust that I can, and this is one way I know how to do that.
He pushes the hem of my shirt up, trailing warm kisses up my stomach after it. A shiver runs up my spine and he lets out a low chuckle that sends heat straight to my core. He kisses back down my stomach and under the waistline of my shorts. My leg involuntarily jerks up as his lips press against my abdomen, but he pushes it back down.
I huff in frustration, but then he’s yanking my shorts down my legs and taking my panties with them.
“ Dio, quanto sei bella.” He pushes my knees up so my legs are pressed against my stomach, baring me to him. “ E deliziosa.”
“What are you going on abo—” he runs a finger along my hot center. I shut up.
“You’re perfect,” he says, before he pushes a finger inside of me.
“Oh, Rafael,” I moan.
“Yeah, baby?” He curls his finger, pressing against my sensitive spot.
“ Oh ,” I breathe. He touches me in a way that makes me feel a way no one else has ever been able to make me feel before.
I move my hips against him as he adds another finger, my shameless moans echoing against the walls of the empty restaurant.
“More,” I say. “You. Didn’t I tell you that I wanted you ?”
He yanks his fingers out, leaving me feeling empty. “Do you have no patience?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“I thought you said I was in control.”
I sit up and beg. “Please? ”
His jaw ticks, but I know I’ve got him. “Open up.”
I open my mouth without question, and he shoves the fingers that were just inside of me into my mouth.
“Can you taste how much you’re enjoying this?” he asks. I moan as I suck the taste of my own arousal into my mouth. I can feel it pooling between my legs the longer I sit here.
“Please, I need to feel you,” I say the second my mouth is free of his fingers.
“You don’t need to beg, Whitley, but you look so pretty when you do.” He unbuckles his belt and slides his pants down his legs, letting his cock spring free. My eyes widen at the sight of it. I never saw it last time, and I’m surprised it even fit.
“A little too late to start second guessing things now, spitfire.”
My body warms at the nickname he’s given me, and I smirk up at him. I take a hold of the base of him and roll his tip against my wet core. I’m not second guessing anything.
“Wait,” he says, making me pause.
“What?”
He drops down to kiss me. “Give me one second.” And then he disappears down the hallway to his office, leaving me bare on a table in his empty restaurant.
After a minute, he appears again, a condom in his hand. I tip my head. “Rafael,” I huff a laugh. “You don’t need to worry about that.”
“Yes, I do. You once told me you didn’t want the control taken away from you. If wearing a condom helps ease any hint of worry that sits in the back of your mind, even if you don’t know it’s there, then that’s what we’ll do.”
I reach up to grab his face and plant my lips on his. How did I ever think this man was anything but amazing?
“God,” he groans into my mouth, and then he takes a hold of his cock and pushes into me in one stroke.
“ Fuck ,” I gasp. “ Jesus .”
Rafael grips me by my hips, pulling me closer and pushing even further into me. “Look how well you take me, May. ”
He slowly slides out, far enough that I can see every inch of him before he slides back into me. In and out, he repeats the motion until I’m not gasping in shock every time he hits my innermost wall.
He smirks down at me something feral. As much as I’ve been suffering from his no sex ban, I can see it in his eyes that it’s been self-inflicted torture for him.
I’ve adjusted enough that I start to move my hips in rhythm with his, meeting him stroke for stroke as he picks up his pace. The sound of our skin slapping together fills the room, along with a collection of moans coming from the both of us.
He wraps one of his strong arms around my back, pulling me up, my body flush with his. At this angle, he hits the spot that sparks my nerve endings as he presses his lips to mine, capturing them in a searing kiss.
I wrap my arms around his neck and moan into his mouth as my hips start to lose their rhythm. My movements becoming more frantic the more heat is crawling through my body.
“Rafael,” I breathe.
He nods. “I’m right behind you, beautiful.”
And with that, my release rips through me. I moan Rafael’s name over and over into the open room. He groans as his release chases mine, and he slows his pace right down.
My body slumps, and I rest my forehead on his chest, panting as I try to catch my breath. His words from earlier bursting into my mind.
I burn for you.
It’s exactly what it feels like to be around him. The way that every part of my body singes with his touch. He warms me up from the inside out. He always has, whether I’m burning with rage or with desire.
I lean back and use one hand to pull his face down to mine. I kiss him firmly, but with affection, before pressing my forehead to his. “I burn for you too.”