Chapter 29
It’s been three days.
Three goddamn days since Grady and I had sex and he let me hold him as he fell asleep, and he’s avoided me ever since. It shouldn’t bother me as much as it does. I shouldn’t obsess over what it means. Is he avoiding me because it was bad? Did he not enjoy it and that’s why he’s avoiding me like the plague? Does he regret it? What does it mean? I’m driving myself crazy, and I don’t know how to stop. I’ve never been this in my head after hooking up with someone before. Granted, I haven’t really hooked up with that many people, considering I married Jade shortly after graduating from high school.
A pit in my stomach forms every time I consider that maybe it wasn’t as good for him as it was for me. It makes me nauseous to think that maybe this is one sided. I want to ask him, but how the hell am I supposed to start a conversation like that?
It’s currently just before noon and already hot as hell out. I’m sitting on the back porch, watching Suzy and Mabel play together in the yard. They’re running through the sprinkler while Suzy attempts to play fetch with Mabel, but Mabel sucks at this game. She’ll fetch the ball no problem, but it’s the giving it back to Suzy afterward that seems to be an issue. It’s been nice being home the past week, getting to spend time with my daughter, even if my head is bogged down with all the pesky thoughts about Grady and what we shared in the barn.
The ride home was silent afterwards. No music, no talking. Nothing. It was painfully awkward. As soon as we pulled up at the house, Grady hopped out and headed straight for his room. Coming into the house and finding Jade downstairs waiting for us was uncomfortable. My ears and my cheeks burned hot. It felt like she could read what we had just done all over my face.
I tried to shove the barn out of my mind that entire evening. Tried to give him space because I knew it was probably a lot for him to process—hell, it’s a lot for me to process—but I couldn’t shake the feeling of needing to be near him. When I showed up outside his bedroom, I fully expected him to send me away, but then he surprised me by letting me in. All of my inner turmoil faded as soon as we laid down together, and there wasn’t a single part of me that wanted to leave that bed, but I knew I had to.
“Are you okay?”
Turning my head to my left, where Jade’s taking a seat on one of the chairs beside me, I nod. “I’m fine.”
“You sure?” she asks. I can see her arch an eyebrow at me even beneath her sunglasses. “You’ve seemed off the last few days. Did something happen between you and Grady?”
My heart makes an attempt to launch out of my body via my throat. “What?” My voice cracks. Clearing my throat, I add, “Why would you ask that?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. He’s been keeping to himself lately, and you’ve been acting weird. Thought maybe you two got into a fight or something. It would make sense, given all the time you’ve spent together on the road.” Jade brings her sunglasses up to the top of her head, eyeing me with a look of concern that makes my stomach churn. “I know things have been weird with us for a while now, but you know that just because we’re divorced, it doesn’t mean I can’t be there for you. We have to raise Suzy together; there’s no reason we can’t be friends.”
I look away, watching Suzy and Mabel zip through the yard, unable to even look at Jade after what I’ve done. What I want to do again. And again. I’m a terrible person. Why does this have to be so complicated? So messy? Why is the first person I’ve felt anything for in ages, somebody I most definitely should not be feeling anything for? How fucked up is that? I was faithfully married for years, and the first person to make my heart race and my blood pump hotter is her fucking brother.
Grady insists that Jade would never forgive him if she found out, but he’s wrong. She absolutely would. Neither of them is close with their parents; they’re all the other has. Sure, she’d be pissed, but she’d forgive him. I don’t think I’d have the same luck. And what’s even more screwed up than this predicament we’ve found ourselves in, is the fact that over the last three days, I’ve wondered to myself—on more than one occasion—about how bad it would really be to tell her. I can’t stop thinking about the way Grady makes me feel. How alive I feel with him. How wholly myself I feel. Being with him has shown me a brand-new side of myself that I don’t think I ever would’ve explored or figured out had it not been for him.
Of course, if Jade finds out, she’ll be hurt and pissed, but if there is something there between Grady and I—something real—surely, she’d learn to accept it, wouldn’t she? Because like she just said, just because we aren’t married anymore, doesn’t mean we’re nothing to each other. Maybe we can be friends. Maybe she’ll understand.
“Nah, I’m fine,” I finally respond. “I’m just trying to get in the headspace for the rodeo tonight, that’s all.”
It’s not a total lie. Stampede Days starts tonight. In fact, I’m going to have to head to the arena soon. Grady will too, and I’d ask if he wants to ride together, but he’s made himself scarce all morning.
“Well, then, do you know what’s wrong with Grady?”
Yeah, I fucked him the other day and now he hates me. “I’m sure he’s fine. Probably just getting ready to work the event. You know how big of a deal Stampede Days is to this town. I’m sure it’s a lot of pressure for him.”
“How’s he been?” she asks, quieter this time.
“He’s been fine, Jade. Seems to be enjoying the new job.”
She sighs. “He told me the other day that he tried calling our parents before he left for the circuit to tell them about the new job, and they never answered or called him back.” She pauses for a moment. “It’s just so shitty, Boone. He doesn’t deserve that. Yeah, he dropped out of college, but who cares? He followed his dreams, and he landed a job he loves, so why does it matter?”
He never told me that. I hate that he’s been struggling with this and sitting with the weight of it on his shoulders for so long without telling anybody. I mean, maybe he told Xander, but I doubt it. Grady’s always been private when it comes to issues with his family. But I wish he would’ve felt he could confide in me. I wish he’d open up to me instead of shutting me out. The urge I feel to comfort him, make him feel better, protect him, show him how special he is despite what his fucked-up folks have to say, is so strong, I can feel it in my bones. It’s vehement.
“Could you maybe try to talk to him?” Jade asks, breaking through my internal battle. “Make sure he’s doing okay? Please.”
I finally glance over at her, meeting her gaze. Her eyes are the same color as Grady’s. Nodding, I stand up and say, “Yeah. I’m going to see if he wants a ride to the arena.”
I need to see him, be near him, before tonight. I can’t explain it. It feels like I’m going to crawl out of my skin if I don’t lay eyes on him right now. Once inside, the cool air hits me, feeling good after being outside in the heat. Making a beeline straight for his room because that’s exactly where I know he is, I bring my hand up, pounding my fist—probably a little too hard—on his door.
A moment later, it swings open, and Grady comes into view, a puzzled look on his face. He glances around for a moment, as if to see who’s with me. “What are you, the fucking feds? Why did you knock so damn loud?”
Shoving past him into the room, I reach behind him and shut the door before pushing his back up against it. Grady inhales sharply, eyes widening in surprise before I lean in and capture his lips with mine. He freezes, and it takes a minute before his body responds to mine, but when it does, it feels like a fucking prize. His hands come up, latching onto my shirt at my sides, and his lips part, tongue slipping out to meet mine, fighting for control. The kiss is messy, uncoordinated, and full of clashing teeth, but I take it all. I need it. Need him. After three days of being shut out, this feels like a weight lifted. Like everything is right again.
Eventually, the kiss ends, much to my reluctance. We’re both breathing heavily, our lips slick, and our eyes locked on one another.
“What are you doing in here?” Grady asks shakily.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
He averts his gaze, body sagging against the door. “I know.”
“Why?”
Grady’s eyes narrow as he looks at me. “Because, Boone, this is so fucked up.” He scoffs. “Jade is right out there. We can’t do this, and every single time I’m near you, I seem to forget that.” He indicates between the small space between us. “Case in point. So, the best thing I can do is not be around you as much as I can.”
My stomach clenches. “I don’t like that.”
“Yeah, well, too bad.”
“I like you, Grady.” My heart pounds harder in my chest, even saying those words out loud.
His features soften as he takes me in, eyes going big and round, his breath catching in his throat. “I like you too, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“So, let’s tell her, then.”
“What?” he whisper-hisses, eyes widening like they’re about to pop out.
“Let’s tell Jade about us,” I say without a tremor of hesitation.
“I heard you the first time,” he retorts with a shake of his head. “Have you lost your mind? In no universe can I tell my sister that I fucked her husband. Are you nuts?”
“Okay, first of all, pretty sure I fucked you.” A smirk tugs on my lips as his scowl only deepens. “Secondly, ex-husband.”
He laughs dryly. “Oh, of course, I’m so sure Jade will care about that minor technicality.”
“She might,” I say weakly. “Give her a little credit, G. She wants you to be happy.”
Grady blows out a breath, thrusting his hands into his hair. “Why does it feel like I’m the only one with any sense right now?” he hisses. “You have lost your mind if you think she’d be okay with this. We are not fucking telling her, Boone, and it can’t happen again. It’s gone on too long as it is. We have to put a stop to this.”
It feels as if I’ve been sucker punched in the gut. Like all the air has been squeezed out of my lungs and I can’t catch my breath. My brows clash together as I watch him, surely hearing him wrong. There’s no way he can walk away.
“Grady…”
“I’d like you to get out, please,” he says firmly.
He doesn’t give me any opportunity to respond because he reaches behind himself, twisting the knob, and he opens the door before ducking around me. I clench my jaw, ignoring the pit in my stomach and the way my blood whooshes in my ears. The last fucking thing I’m about to do is beg somebody who clearly doesn’t want anything to do with me so, without another glance, I do exactly as he asked.