By His Play

8. Effie

8

EFFIE

W aking up alone is normal. Even with Kieran spending the night with me, I never expect him to still be here.

I wish he was, though.

I’ve never felt lonelier than I do in the mornings here.

I was so used to waking to the sounds and smells of Grams. The emptiness, the silence. It’s painful. I feel it right in the pit of my soul.

Having Kieran here has been such a relief. But I can’t help needing more.

With a sigh, I throw the covers back, pull on one of Kieran’s old college hoodies, and pad to the bathroom.

I put off looking in the mirror for as long as possible, but I can’t help but look up when I’m brushing my teeth.

I’m a mess. My eyes are bloodshot and sore, the circles beneath them dark and haunting. My skin is pale, and I’ve had a breakout.

Everything is falling apart.

Grams is…Grams is bad. I don’t need to be sitting beside her for hours to know. The grim looks on the nurses’ faces every time I see them...the truth is clear as day in their eyes.

Two days ago, they explained how the antibiotics they gave her for a chest infection haven’t helped, and it’s progressed to pneumonia.

I blow out a long, pained breath as I lower my toothbrush to the sink.

I’m going to lose her any day now.

Pain explodes in my chest. It’s like something being wrapped around my heart, making each breath harder and harder to take.

I’m numb as I make my way to the kitchen.

Kieran’s absence is strikingly obvious. I don’t need his note to tell me that he’s not here. I can sense it.

The little life that had come back to this place with his arrival has drained out.

I start the coffee machine on autopilot. I probably won’t drink it—I’m not sure my stomach can take it—but it’s better to be doing something than it is to think.

Thinking is heartbreaking.

I need the distraction of something else.

If it weren’t for Kieran, I’d already be in my car and heading for Grams, but he’ll tell me off if I don’t wait for him. And while I can take it, I don’t have the energy to deal with it.

Instead, I grab my cell, ignoring every notification and call the care home to see how her night was.

It’s another twenty minutes before the sound of the front door slamming echoes through the house.

Startled, I jump to my feet and twist toward the door just as a harassed-looking Kieran bursts through.

He lowers a box from my favorite bakery to the counter, along with two take-out coffees, but he doesn’t say anything.

My heart jumps into my throat, my stomach twisting.

“Kieran?” I whisper, not liking the energy that’s radiating from him one bit.

He stills with his eyes focused on the other side of the room as his chest heaves and his fists clench at his sides.

“What’s going on?” I ask, but deep down, I know exactly what it is.

He knows.

Somehow, he’s found out about what I’ve done.

It takes another second for him to turn my way, and the moment his eyes lock on mine, I suck in a deep breath.

He hates you.

“Kian sends his congratulations,” he says, his voice hard and flat, void of any emotions despite the warring ones I can see in his eyes.

Confusion. Anger. Disbelief.

“Kieran,” I say again in place of anything that might be more useful in this situation.

His nostrils flare and his lips press into a thin line. “That isn’t going to help, Effie. How about you explain why my brother is sending me a link to our engagement announcement instead?”

Having my suspicions confirmed makes my knees go weak, and I crash onto the chair I was previously in.

Dropping my head into my hands, I beg for it to stop spinning.

“I’m sorry,” I whimper.

“You’re sorry? It’s all over the fucking internet, Eff. Apparently, we’re having a small and intimate ceremony.”

A sob rips free.

“Look,” he barks, forcing me to lift my head and focus on the screen he’s thrust in my direction.

His cell is going crazy. Every second, a new notification pops up.

When it starts ringing with a call from Kat, the team’s publicist, he pulls it back and immediately cancels it.

“Why?” he demands. “And why didn’t you tell me?”

“I...I didn’t think…I was going to. And then you showed up and?—”

“And you had every chance to tell me what you’d done, but you decided not to?” he asks, hurt clear in his voice. “This isn’t how we work, Effie. We don’t keep fucking secrets. No matter how hard shit is, we talk.”

The tears I’ve been desperately trying to keep in finally spill over my lashes. He watches me with his brow wrinkled and hurt in his eyes.

This isn’t what I wanted. This is the last thing I wanted.

Ripping my eyes away, I look down at my right hand and pull the ring from my finger.

With Grams mostly sleeping or unaware of her surroundings, I haven’t had to put it on my ring finger. It made the lie so much easier to keep up with.

“Th-that’s an engagement ring?” Kieran balks.

After sucking in a deep breath, I lift my head and hold his eyes.

“I didn’t do any of this to hurt you. G-Grams—” I choke, struggling to force the words out. “Her dream was to see us… you know...”

He remains silent, his eyes boring into mine.

“I never should have done it. But it seemed simple enough, and the way she smiled when I told her. She was so happy. All she could talk about was how she could go happy because she knew that you’d always look after me and treat me right.

“It gave her something to focus on. We’d spend hours planning, and she’d lose herself in the excitement of it all.”

My words dry up as I think about the time I spent with Grams while living this lie.

It was wrong. So wrong. But also, I don’t regret it. I can’t.

In her final weeks, I gave her hope. I gave her happiness, and I relieved her worries about leaving me.

“I’m sorry I lied. I should have talked to you about it first. But you were so focused on the playoffs and?—”

“Don’t turn this on me. Nothing is ever more important to me than you. Ever.”

“I know,” I mumble, ashamed over how this has gone. “It was never meant to get out. It was supposed to be mine and Grams’ little secret.”

“And you really believed that? Fucking hell, Effie.” He groans, dragging his sweaty hair back from his head and pulling until it has to hurt.

“I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, you weren’t,” he agrees.

We stand staring at each other in a stalemate. I have so much more to say, and so does he. But neither of us let the words free.

Finally, he lets out a heavy sigh before announcing, “I got your favorite and pastries. Eat. I’m going to shower.”

My lips part to respond, but I’m too slow. He’s already gone.

“Fuck,” I breathe, dropping my head onto my folded arms on the table.

Could I have fucked this up any more?

K ieran never takes long showers. He’s usually in and out in under ten minutes. But this morning, he’s gone for over thirty.

I have one sip of coffee before pushing it away.

I can’t stomach it. It tastes like acid.

Instead, I stay exactly where I am and wallow in self-pity.

“Get dressed,” Kieran barks the second he emerges, dressed and looking devastatingly good. If I didn’t already feel like a mess, then I would looking at him. He’s every inch the football god that everyone makes him out to be.

Was it naive of me to think that I could tell Grams we were engaged and expect the news not to leave the care home? Yep, apparently it was.

I didn’t expect it to be leaked. Hell, I didn’t really expect it to be taken seriously. If Grams was of sound mind, she would never have believed me. But she wanted it so badly, it was easy to skip the bits that didn’t make much sense. Like the fact that Kieran had apparently proposed, but I hadn’t seen him in months.

There were so many red flags that I’d convinced myself it would be okay.

Unable to do anything but follow orders, I rush past him without saying a word and pull some clothes on.

Kieran then drives me silently to the care home.

It’s awful.

The whole journey, his phone is going off. If it’s not calls from Kat, it’s messages from his brothers or teammates.

I haven’t looked at mine, but I fear it’ll look similar.

Sure, we’ve had a handful of arguments over the years; none of them were serious, though. We’ve certainly never fallen out to the point of not talking before.

By the time we arrive, I jump out of the car like my ass is on fire and rush into the building.

I have no doubt that he will follow me eventually, but I just need a few minutes.

Inside, I find Grams sleeping, and I collapse in the chair beside her.

“I’ve screwed up,” I confess. “All I wanted to do was make you smile, and now I’ve hurt the one person I need more than ever.”

Dropping my head into my hands, I cry for all my stupid mistakes.

I have no idea how long I sob for, but by the time they subside, my eyes are sore and my throat hurts.

Every time I think that life can’t get any worse, it does.

Still curled up in the chair, I begin talking to Grams. She can’t hear me, but I still blabber away about nothing. If there is any chance that she can hear my voice, then I want her to know that I’m here and not totally falling apart. Even if that is just another big fat lie.

Laura comes in and out a couple of times, but other than offering me a hot drink and her sympathies, she doesn’t have a lot to say.

It’s just a waiting game now. I get that. There really isn’t any kind of positive spin anyone can put on this situation.

Kieran never comes, and I’m too scared to see if that’s just because he’s outside, lost in his own thoughts, or if he’s gone.

He’d have every right to go back to Chicago and have Kat deal with the shitshow that I’ve brought on his life.It sure wouldn’t be the first time he’s needed the help of the team’s publicist to get him out of trouble.

The thought of calling an Uber and going home to a silent, empty house tonight guts me.

I’d rather stay in this chair until they kick me out than return without him.

Hours pass. My stomach grumbles, but I don’t make a move to fill it with anything.

Grams’ eyelids flicker, but she never wakes or shows any other promising signs. And when the doctor does his rounds, he repeats what I’ve heard for the last few days.

The end is coming.

I don’t leave the room until two nurses come in to do Grams’ personal care.

I walk out of her room on shaky, weak legs and look up and down the hallway, wondering what I’m supposed to do now.

I used to make their visits my excuse to head off for the night. But as hard as it was going home then, it’s going to be a million times worse now.

Deciding that some fresh air might help, I head for the double doors that lead outside.

Long before I get there, the soothing sound of torrential rain hits my ears.

A cold waft of air envelops me as I sit outside. I stand there for a few seconds as my skin prickles with goosebumps, watching the raindrops bounce across the parking lot.

A trickle of unease runs down my spine, and I look to the right where a bank of benches sits under the canopy.

I expect to find a stranger sitting there contemplating life without a loved one, but I quickly discover that I’m very wrong.

“Kieran,” I whisper, the sound swallowed by the downpour.

He studies me as if he’s seeing me for the first time.

“I thought you’d left.”

He shakes his head, and I can’t help but think he’s disappointed in me.

Hesitantly, I walk over and perch at the other end of the bench.

My skin continues to burn with his attention, but I keep my eyes focused on the parking lot.

“I don’t care that you made all of this up to make Grams happy,” he tells me. “If I were in your position, I’d have done the same thing.” A little relief trickles through my veins, but his next words squash it faster than I thought possible. “I’m really fucking pissed that you lied to me about it, though. That you allowed me to find out the way I did.”

I cringe, unable to do anything but agree with him. I’m pissed at myself too.

I close my eyes and slump in the chair as the weight of my regrets gets too heavy.

“I’m sorry.”

“You might be. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, though, did it?”

I swallow down any response I might have had.

“How’s Grams?”

“Asleep. Peaceful.”

“Good. Th-that’s good.”

“Is it?” I sigh.