By His Play

11. Effie

11

EFFIE

P ain explodes through my body; I swear, I feel it all the way down to my toes. But nowhere as agonizing as in my heart. Sobs rack my body, and I fight to suck in breaths as everything shuts down.

I knew this was going to happen. I thought I was prepared for it.

Turns out, it’s impossible to be prepared for something that shatters the foundations you’ve built your entire life on, however inevitable it is.

Kieren’s deep voice rumbles, but I’m unable to register what he’s saying. Blood is rushing past my ears so fast, stopping me from focusing on anything but my own devastating thoughts.

His arms are locked like a vise around me. It’s like he’s holding me together. To be fair, he very well might be.

Everything is falling apart, including me.

Eventually, my sobs lessen, but the agony never leaves.

My eyes burn from the tears, and my throat hurts from crying, but at no point does he even attempt to release me.

All I can think about is the fact that Grams was alone.

I promised that I’d be there throughout this whole journey. Okay, so I didn’t specifically say that to her face, but I had every intention of doing so.

She’s been with me, supporting me, throughout everything I’ve ever been through. I owed it to her to do the same.

Keiran’s arms loosen, making my heart jump into my throat, and my eyes fill with tears again at the thought of him releasing me.

I have no idea if he senses it or if he never intended to let go, but instead, his large, warm hand begins gently moving up and down my back.

“I’m so sorry, Effie. I’m so fucking sorry.”

As much as I appreciate his support, the words don’t really mean anything.

None of this is his fault. There was also nothing he could do to prevent it.

I let out a shaky breath, but it does little to calm the riot of emotions raging within me.

“Tell me what you need,” he whispers. “I’ll do it. Whatever you need.”

The room falls silent around us as I try to get my brain to function, but there is only one thing I need right now.

“I need to go there. I-I n-need to?—”

“Okay,” he agrees before I’ve even been able to tell him. “You get dressed, and I’ll go and grab my sneakers.”

“No,” I cry the second he lets go of me and begins to climb from the bed. “Don’t leave me.”

My bottom lip trembles. I fight to stop it, but I have no control.

Stepping forward so his shins hit my bed, he reaches down and takes my face in his hands.

Both of his thumbs wipe away the tears I wasn’t aware were still falling as he stares into my eyes.

He feels my pain; I can see it in his dark depths.

I also know that if he could, he’d take it away from me.

If only that were possible.

“You need pants and a hoodie, Eff,” he tells me.

“B-bottom drawer,” I stutter as I point at my chest of drawers. “Hoodie on the chair.”

He nods once before lowering his lips to my forehead and pressing a sweet kiss on my skin.

I squeeze my eyes closed to try to stop the onslaught of more tears, but it’s pointless. There is no controlling them.

“I know it hurts, Effie. But it’ll get easier. I promise.”

How? How is it ever going to get easier?

I’ve just lost the only parent I’ve ever had. Sure, she was my grandmother, but she was everything. She was my person.

“I’m right here, and I’m not leaving. I’ll be by your side for everything, okay? Lean on me; it’s what I’m here for.”

I nod, unable to force out any words through the gigantic lump in my throat.

He waits for another two seconds before releasing me and walking over to my bottom drawer. He pulls out a pair of grey sweatpants before swiping his old hoodie from my chair and returning.

Deciding that I’m not capable of doing anything, he takes my hands and pulls me to stand.

I’ve always felt tiny compared to him—I mean, I am tiny; there is well over a foot between us—but I’ve never felt it as viscerally as I do in this moment.

“Okay?” he asks as if he’s waiting for me to do something, but I just stand there immobile.

He lets out a sigh, his warm breath rushing over my face and making the hairs on the back of my neck lift as a shiver runs down my spine.

Dropping to his haunches, he tugs my sleep shorts down my legs before tapping one ankle and then the other to free the fabric before replacing them with my sweatpants.

Usually, I’d be self-conscious about my huge, unsexy cotton panties, but right now, I couldn’t care less.

In seconds, he has the waistband in place and is gently tugging the hoodie over my head and letting it fall almost to my knees.

He finds my sliders—not what I would usually choose to pair with this outfit—and then takes my hand and pulls me along.

Numbly, I follow behind him as he walks toward his room.

He leaves me in the doorway, and a memory of only a few hours ago niggles at the back of my mind.

“As a best friend, yes. But I’m not in love with her. I’ve never been in love with her.”

I don’t know why the words stung as much as they did. I know they're true. But still…

I watch as he zips up his hoodie and shoves his feet into his sneakers, then he tucks me under his arm and ushers me out into the cold, dark night.

Silence fills the car, but I don’t have it in me to break it.

Distraction seems like it would be a good idea, but just the thought of focusing on something other than Grams right now feels wrong.

When Kieran signals to turn off the freeway that will take us to the care home, I don’t question him.

I trust that he knows what he’s doing.

Less than two minutes later, the lights for a twenty-four-seven drive-thru Starbucks come into view, and my stomach knots.

There’s no way I can handle anything right now.

He turns in and lowers his window.

He doesn’t ask what I want; instead, he rattles off an order that includes all my favorites.

I love him so much in that moment, even if I don’t want any of the things he’s about to pay for.

With everything loaded on the center console, he continues toward where I need to be.

“Please, Effie. At least drink some water,” he says, holding out a bottle for me.

Absently, I take it and twist the top, but as soon as I take a sip, my stomach turns over, and I lower it back down.

Blowing out a long sigh, I rest my head back and lift my feet to the seat so I can curl up in a ball.

Kieran reaches over and entwines his fingers with mine, silently supporting me and reminding me that he’s right beside me, just like he promised.

After what I did, I wouldn’t be able to argue if he turned his back on me and returned to Chicago.

I hurt him. I hurt him badly.

And it wasn’t just a simple lie, either. I mean, it was when only Grams and I knew.

But it’s out in the open now. The whole world knows about our “engagement,” and they all want to know more.

I didn’t unlock my cell once yesterday. I couldn’t.

Of course, no one knows who I am; my socials are locked down as best I can, but I still exist, and I have no doubt the press and the fans have found me. I can only imagine the kind of comments and messages I’ve received.

Another sigh passes my lips as I slump lower in the seat. I’m so numb; it’s almost possible to forget what we’re about to go and do.

The moment the care home sign comes into view, though, everything comes crashing back.

She’s gone.

A sob erupts as Kieran takes the turn that will lead us to the parking lot and the very last time I’m going to see Grams.

By the time he pulls the car to a stop, I’m trembling violently.

Kieran kills the engine and turns to me, his brows pulled together in concern.

“You don’t have to do this,” he says softly.

Licking my lips, the salty taste of my tears floods my mouth.

“I know,” I whisper, my voice cracked and barely audible. “But I want to. I need to say g-goodb-bye.”

He blows out a breath before nodding.

“Okay. But the second you want to leave, tell me.”

I nod, unable to say another word as my chest tightens to the point I can barely suck in a breath.

My eyes track Kieran as he walks around the hood of the car before he opens my door and helps me out.

Together, we walk toward the doors, but as soon as we step inside, my legs freeze when reality hits even harder.

Knowing I need more than just his hand in mine, Kieran stands in front of me and takes my face.

“I’m right here, Effie. You’re not doing this alone.”

‘I know,’ I mouth before sucking in a deep breath and taking another step.

Tucked into his side, we walk toward Grams’ room.

Laura, her main nurse, spots us from her station and rushes over with a morose expression on her face.

Kieran’s grip on me tightens, but I don’t have the brain power to figure out why.

The staff here deal with loss on a weekly basis, I’m sure. I have no idea how they do it.

Their patients might not be their relatives, but losing them, especially those who’ve been here for a significant amount of time, must hurt. I don’t know how I could keep going through that.

“Effie, I’m so sorry for your loss,” she says without breaking eye contact with me. “Would you like to see her?”

I nod, and she instantly spins around and walks toward Grams’ room.

“She’s all ready for you. Take as much time as you need.”

“Thank you,” Kieran says curtly, following me inside when she holds the door open for us.

I’ve barely crossed the threshold when I stop dead.

I can’t do this.

The warmth of Kieran’s body sears into my back as his arms wrap around my waist and his chin rests on top of my head.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” he says softly. “No one has any expectations of you right now.”

His words mean everything to me, and they give me the strength to keep moving forward.

He releases me but stays just a step behind as I walk deeper into the room.

My breath catches, and the tears that were trapped in my lashes spill over at the sight of Grams lying in bed.

She looks like she has every other time she’s been sleeping.

Peaceful.

My heart clenches painfully, but a little bit of relief also trickles through my veins.

She’s no longer fighting, no longer suffering.

She’s at peace.

It’s all I’ve ever wanted for her.

But also…I miss her.

My entire body trembles as the grief tightens around my chest, making it almost impossible to breathe.

I don’t move. I can’t. I’m frozen as I stare at her.

All the medical equipment has been removed, and the room just looks… like a room now.

The only clue that it’s a medical facility is the bed, but I can see past that.

My lips part with my need to say something, but for long, painful seconds, nothing happens.

When I find my voice, it’s so quiet I barely hear it.

“Hi Grams.”