Chapter Twenty Two
Forever Is An Illusion
As James Baldwin wrote, “For nothing is fixed, forever, forever, forever…”
Forever wasn’t a measure of time. But sometimes, forever was our human years—long as we were alive and long after we were gone, as long as the memories were alive, not always with us, but with someone else. With forever came growth, with growth came change, and with change came loss.
It was inevitable, it was brutal, it was a part of life.
No one ever told you how to get over a great love. That kind of loss just dissipated and the unresolved grief just stuck with you forever. You could learn to keep living through that kind of pain, you could learn to embrace it, but it didn’t disappear, the hole would get smaller and things would get better but it’d always be there.
It was also impossible to prepare anyone for that kind of change.
I wouldn’t know how to convince Ardley he should keep moving forward with his capacity to love when all he had to love was all gone.
I couldn’t figure out what to tell Ardley, so I figured going with him to finally see Celeste would be the best way to break the news—well, there wasn’t a best way to break this kind of news but he would get to see his wife.
I fisted my hands as I swallowed. My stomach did all kinds of twisting and turning because today would be the day where I upended my very own brother’s life. This was a day that he would never forget, and this was the day that would always haunt me.
Ardley pushed the door open and I told myself I still had time, that I still had time to get him out of the room, that I’d somehow be able to make it work, to be able to keep this away from him forever, that’d I’d be able to lie to him forever…long after Celeste was gone because that was the only way I’d be able to protect him.
He slowly looked back at me when he saw her lying on the bed. I pulled my lips into a frown as I looked down, too ashamed of myself to even look at Celeste on the bed.
“She hasn’t woken up since the accident,”
I said to Ardley.
“What do you mean?”
he whispered as he gently pressed a hand to her forehead.
“I lied,”
I clarified.
He looked up at me as tears glossed over his eyes. “What do you mean?”
His voice broke.
My lips trembled as I looked at my brother holding his wife ever so gently.
Love was a matter of seeing. There was a reason why we fall in love at first sight. The face of someone could possibly linger forever. People have this incredible ability to affect your life and make it impossible to forget them.
“Ardley…”
I took a deep breath as tears fell down my cheeks “she’s,” I took another breath, it was easier to think about than actually doing. The words were stuck at the back of my throat, I couldn’t…I couldn’t find a way to actually say it.
“Cal?”
Ardley tilted his head to the side as his lips started to tremble—
I looked away as my chest rose and fell, it was starting to get harder to breathe and I felt sick.
“She’s never going to wake up,”
I finally said.
How could I have lied about this for so long?
How could I?
“What do you mean?”
he cried. There was pain in his voice, pain that could only be carried through tears and his sobs. He was going to have to overcome this really well or it was going to consume him. Soon his happiest memories with her would break his heart—thinking about her from this point on would break him. His deep, intangible moments with her, good or bad, were priceless and with time things would change and he’d slowly start to lose them.
Forever…forever…forever…her forever ended with him, and his is gone with her.
I groaned as I cried, holding onto my chest.
It hurt. It hurt.
I didn’t need to say anything, just looking at her was enough. She didn’t look like she’d get better and it was why I’d avoided seeing her for so long. You could see how life has slowly been slipping out of her. Death lingered at her door just waiting for her to give out.
“Cel, baby, my poor girl…”
Ardley sniffed as he whispered to her, “all this time…you must’ve felt so alone.”
I dropped on the floor as I started to sob.
I knew, as they say, this too shall pass. Of course it’d pass, life was an onboarding train—everything eventually passed but we end up changing so much of ourselves to be cured of the heartaches faster that it got harder and harder each time.
“I’m so…”
I released a breath as I finally looked up at my brother, “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
I watched him hold onto Celeste as he sobbed, shaking his head over her body. At this moment there wasn’t anything I could do to help him feel better. I felt useless. Just sitting on the floor listening to him cry out to Celeste like he could get her to wake up and come back to him and everything would all be okay again.
“All this time.” He cried.
I blinked as a tear fell against my cheeks, I looked away, filled with shame. “You had to get better, Ardley—if you knew…”
“If I knew I would’ve been by her side this entire time.”
He looked at me, his eyes bloodshot red from all the crying. “Do you know how lonely she must’ve been?” I saw the betrayed look in his eyes. “But I get…” his tone fell flat, “you were looking out for me, right? But who was looking out for her?”
“I know—”
“Her parents aren’t even here,” he said.
I nodded as I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. “I called—”
“They don’t care, Cal, otherwise they would be here. By her side. All her life they’ve only offered her money. That’s it, that’s all the kind of love she’s ever got from them. So how could you? How could you lie to me about this?”
I tilted my head to the side as my eyes softened as I pulled my lips into a thin line. I didn’t know what to say—I simply had nothing to say. I couldn’t comfort him, not after being the one to cause him all this pain.
“Please get out, Callum,”
he requested quietly.
My head dropped down as I released a breath.
“Get out,”
he repeated.
I pulled myself up and walked towards the door, “if you need anything—”
“Just get out!”