Candle In The Wind

Chapter Fifty Eight

LoveSick

“Have you been sleeping here?”

Mom asked me as she looked around my office. Unlike ever, it was a mess. There was a cover draped over the couch and there were at least three cups and takeout boxes on the coffee table. And my tossed suits were discarded on the floor.

It’d been days since everything went down—I was a complete mess, I missed Juliette more than ever, and I was home away from Clay, sleeping in my office pretending like Crystal didn’t know I was spending my nights here like I couldn’t afford to go anywhere else.

I didn’t talk to Ardley—not to say goodbye or to even attempt to talk about Clay. I thought I’d punch him. Instead of acting out on my impulse, I decided to stay put in my office to at least find a way to wrap my head around this fucked up situation.

I mean—God forgive me—what if nothing ever happened to Celeste?

When I didn’t answer Mom, she handed Clay to me and immediately walked towards the speakers in my office and unplugged them.

“I was listening to that.”

I grumbled as I fixed Clay’s shirt.

“Yeah,”

she deadpanned, “Crystal said you’ve been blasting that song for days on end, are you even working or are you…” she looked at me up and down, “sulking.”

I sighed, “it’s a classic.”

She nodded, “I’m sure I Want To Know What Love Is is a classic, but it doesn’t mean you get to blast it for days and hours on end over and over again. Poor Crystal out there is in a zoom meeting with earplugs.”

I looked down at Clay. He was wide awake with his little fist in his mouth, drooling all over his shirt.

“That’s cruel and unusual punishment,”

my mother said, pushing my cover off the couch with two fingers—trying to make space to sit down.

Clay smiled. He was at the age where he started to smile, and maybe I was crazy, but it was the exact replica of Julie’s smile. I saw so much of Juliette in him and at the same time, I saw so much of myself in him. I could have possibly gone my whole life without having him in my life as a son.

My lips parted open as I sighed.

Every single choice I’ve made led me here. These are the effects of the outcome that follows.

In the end, how could I be angry at a situation like this when it gave me him? Clay Rhodes. My son.

I was torn by the idea that I could’ve gone my whole life without knowing he was my son. That I would’ve loved him from afar with a warm feeling in my heart that I’d never been able to explain to anyone.

“Cal?”

My eyes snapped up to meet my mother’s.

“I asked you how you were holding up?”

I swallowed as I brought Clay close to my chest. “Couldn’t be better.”

Her brows furrowed with a worried look. “Have you called Ardley yet?”

I shook my head.

“He’s been trying to reach you, to…”

she paused to choose her words carefully, “to explain himself—the situation.”

I shrugged. “What more does he have to say?”

She sighed as she crossed her legs. “I knew it was weird, and I tried to tell you Ardley couldn’t have any kids, and you swore it was Celeste who couldn’t have any kids—”

“Does it matter? All I know is the fact that he used me as a sperm bank and was planning to raise my own son right under my nose—that’s well-thought-out, Mom, and he was planning on it.”

Her eyes softened as she pursed her lips into a thin line, “well, we don’t know that for sure. I think the guilt would have gotten to him, he would’ve fessed up.”

“When? Once Clay turned sixteen? Eighteen? Twenty? When, Mom?”

I scoffed. “I can’t believe you’re trying to make excuses for him right now.”

“I’m not!”

She raised her hands up in defense. “I’m just saying, hon, you’re a complete mess right now and thinking even more negatively isn’t going to be any help.”

My brows furrowed. “It took Juliette snapping at my father for me to find out.”

“Yeah, why didn’t she say anything? I get Ardley because as messed up as it sounds, he had a plan to raise your kid—granted that ship has sailed—but why did it take Juliette so long to say anything?”

I deflated. “She wanted to protect our relationship,”

I said flatly, completely annoyed at her for having such a big heart.

“How would finding out about Clay ruin anything? If anything, it would bring you guys closer—”

“No,”

I chuckled softly, “she wanted to protect my relationship with Ardley. She found out at the funeral.”

“Oh.”

She sighed.

“Yeah.”

I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes as I cradled Clay in my arms.

I got it—I really did get why she did what she did but we had something too, and selfishly I thought it meant so much more to us—that if anything happened she’d come to me. Anything important she’d come to me, side with me, that we’d protect each other. I didn’t like the fact that I was in the dark when it came to something this important.

I felt betrayed.

How could she have kept something like that from me knowing how much I loved Clay—how much I love her—how did I ever live without her?

I was floored by how much I loved Juliette. Even at times like this…when I feel like complete shit, when I should be mad at her…times like these, yes, was when I found myself yearning for Juliette. I looked for her face everywhere. Just hearing her name filled me with both hope and sadness.

I was undeniably in love with her.

“Oh, honey…”

My mother’s voice softened.

I could hear her footsteps as she got closer towards my desk. Her footsteps came to a halt, and I felt her hand in my hair.

“Honey, you’re lovesick.”

I sighed. “She lied to me.”

“Well, yeah, but—”

I shook my head.

She took a deep breath. “Well, she’s picking up Clay later.”

I sucked in a breath.