Chapter 30 #2
Finlay didn’t have space in her childhood bedroom to play with essential oils, but she could still tinker with the formula for her soap. She wanted something super luxurious.
As she set out her new molds on the bathroom counter, her phone rang. Willa. “Hey.”
“Happy New Year!” Her friend had to shout over the party noises in the background.
“Yep. You, too.” Though she was barely hanging on, she tried to rally for her friend.
“Oh, Fee. You’re breaking my heart. Hang on.” A moment later, the noises dulled. “Okay, I’m in the bathroom. How are you?”
Guess she hadn’t done a very good job. “I’m freaking out.” Tucking the phone on her shoulder, she washed and dried her hands and headed back to her bed. “He might lose Cody over my stupid, impulsive lie.”
She had daily outings and phone calls with the boy, so yesterday, when the phone rang, she was surprised to see Jude’s face on the screen. After telling her about the Motion to Appear, he begged her not to blame herself. Yeah, like that was going to happen.
It’s totally my fault.
But he’d asked her to show up in court, and that was the very least she could do.
“You have to stop kicking yourself. If you hadn’t lied, Jude probably wouldn’t have gotten custody.”
“That’s true. So how do I fix it? How can I help?”
“You tell the truth. The reason you did it, your feelings for both of them, the kind of father-figure Jude is... I mean, that’s all you can do.”
“You make it sound so simple, but this judge already hates him.”
“The judge wants what’s best for the boy, I promise you that.”
“I just… Why can’t I think straight? What’s wrong with me?”
“I don’t know why you’re so hard on yourself. You’ve been through a lot of upheaval. All you need is some time.”
“Yeah, but look what I do with my time.” She stuttered out a laugh.
“I moved out of my house the day after I got an offer.” In fact, she’d told the realtor to keep scrolling down her wait list until she found someone who could move in right away.
Within an hour, they’d found someone willing to pay cash, buy it as-is, and close quickly.
Until the money hit her bank account, she’d be living in her old bedroom.
“I walked away from the only man I’ve ever loved, and I hurt a little boy in the process. ”
“I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to have an identity crisis. There was the you before Jude, and the you after. I think it’s fair to give your mind a few days to catch up with your heart.”
“But when it finally does, do you think he’ll still want me?”
“Girl. Seriously?” Willa asked. “What did he send you today?”
She got up to look at the delivery cards she’d tacked to her old corkboard.
Miss you,
J
That was for the week of prepared meals that the gourmet store had delivered.
Stopped by for more cocoa and saw this. Take a bite of each one and tell me your favorite.
J
That one came with a giant box of chocolates from Coco’s. Good girl that she was, she’d done as she was told and taken a bite of each one. It would’ve been so much more fun to do it with Jude, all snuggled up in bed, wearing pajamas, lamplight casting a yellow glow on her white duvet.
But she hadn’t let him know her favorite.
She should’ve, though. She should’ve given him something.
But as much as she missed him, as much as she believed he loved her, there was just a tiny thorn lodged in her deep tissue, a reminder that he might only want her because of the situation.
“Today, I got a spa basket. It has foot scrub, nail polish, a face mask, a candle, bath salts, and some pink rubber duckies.”
“Pink…what? That came in the basket? That’s so cute. My dad should offer that to his guests. Where did it come from?”
“He put it together himself.”
I got it wrong last time, so I’m trying again. This one’s from my heart, not my wallet.
J
“Really? That was sweet. So when are you going to put him out of his misery?”
That was the thing. How did she dislodge the doubt? Would it ever go away?
She didn’t want to be Ava in thirty years, loving a man she couldn’t have. And wouldn’t it be worse if Jude actually married her and only realized ten years down the line that he’d needed a nanny/mom for Cody and didn’t love her the way a husband should love his wife?
Not that it felt that way when they were together, but still. Her mind was fuzzy and overloaded. “Wills, my judgment was so wrong. Like, so wrong. How can I trust myself after almost marrying Matt?”
“Well, you thought planning out your life would keep you safe, and it didn’t. What choice do you have but to go with your gut this time?”
A knock on the door had her lowering the phone. “Yes?”
“Your dad’s here,” her mom called through the closed door.
My dad? Why? “I have to go. My dad stopped by on his way to a New Year’s Eve party. Have a great time tonight, and we’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Love you.”
“Love you harder.” She disconnected and headed out of her room. Only when she saw her parents all dressed up did she realize she was wearing the same pajamas she’d slept in. “Hey.”
“You got another package.” Her mom handed her a thick manila envelope.
“Oh, thanks. Wait, does anyone deliver on a holiday?”
“I brought it.” Her dad lifted a big box toward her.
But she didn’t take it. “You saw him?”
“His family’s having a little shindig, so I stopped by for a bit.” Her dad set the box on the table. “Open it.”
“How is he? How’s Cody?”
“Ah, well. He’s kind of a mess, if I’m honest. But Cody’s great. Living his best life.”
“Do you think he’ll lose custody?” She couldn’t say she regretted the lie—not if it enabled Cody to have the McKennas for the holidays. But she didn’t want the boy to suffer for her mistake.
“It’s hard to say,” her mom said. “But we’ll all show up at the courthouse. We’ll do what we can to support him.”
She opened the thick envelope and pulled out architectural designs. What are these?
Her parents went into the kitchen to grab the champagne. While they were busy pouring, Finlay opened the card.
Now that you’re free of the past, let’s invent a future together.
Happy New Year,
J
Happiness detonated in her chest, and her spirits soared. She wanted that so badly.
And maybe that was the answer right there. She didn’t have to stay away from the man she loved. They just had to build a life of their own invention.
“Happy New Year!” Her parents came back wearing party hats and blowing noisemakers, and her mom handed her a plastic flute of champagne.
“Thank you.” It was only then that she noticed the decorations. The floor was littered with silver, purple, and gold balloons, and a sparkly banner stretched across the living room wall. “I must really be a mess if you’re throwing me a party.”
“No, it’s not that,” her mom said. “We wanted to talk to you. What you said the other day, about making yourself small for us?”
“That hit hard.” Her dad jammed his hands into the pockets of his khakis.
“Well, I’m sorry, but it’s true.” She wouldn’t back down even if it hurt their feelings. “I tried to take up as little space as possible so you wouldn’t mind having me around.”
“Oh, Finlay. No. We loved spending time with you. Who wouldn’t?
You’re so full of life and have such great ideas.
” Her mom set her flute down. “I swear, that’s not at all how it was.
Honey, I admired you. You had a vision, a direction.
I never had that. Look at me. I’ve been in the same job for over twenty years. ”
“You’ve got to understand,” her dad said. “You were always driven, and you were on a good path. We agreed, as long as you weren’t getting into trouble, that we’d let you do your own thing. Why would we get in your way?”
“Because I wanted your support. I wanted to feel like we were a family. Like I mattered. I mean, I know I was a mistake, but you could’ve at least—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Her dad made a T-sign with his hands. “Time-out. You were unexpected, that’s true. You were a big surprise, but we’ve never—not once—thought of you as a mistake.”
“I thought you resented me for taking away the future you’d planned on.” She said it mostly to her mom.
“Well, that’s the thing, Finny. I didn’t have any idea what I wanted to do.
And if I wasn’t the fun mom you wanted, it’s because I was tired.
I work with extremely demanding people, and I have to be on for them all day and night.
Honestly, I thought I could be myself around you.
I thought we were comfortable together.”
“But now that we know how you feel, we’re going to make some changes.” Her dad brought her in for a hug. “We love you, sweetheart.”
“Very much.” Her mom joined them, wrapping her arms around both their backs.
“You guys.” Tears blurred her vision, and the kink in her heart she’d always lived with eased. “You don’t have to change your life for me.” She pulled away. “You can show up in other ways.”
“Well, tonight, we’re going to love you up,” her dad said. “And if you’ll look in the damn box Jude gave you, you’ll see we’re all set for a fun night in.”
She pulled open the flaps to find a canister of hot chocolate, chips, pretzels, and five different varieties of cookies. “This is so sweet of him.” An urgent need to connect with him rushed up hard and fast, and she reached for her phone.
Finlay: I love tonight’s gift. Thank you.
She wanted to tell him about the conversation with her parents but didn’t think it would be fair. Either she was with him or she wasn’t. Still, she couldn’t resist saying one more thing.
Finlay: I miss you.
Okay, two more things.
Finlay: I miss us.
“Ready to ply?” Her dad held up a game of Scrabble.
“Yeah, let’s do it.”