~ Chapter 17 ~
Cassie
I can’t believe him.
I can’t believe what I’ve read and what I’m reading.
Nico gave me an entire timeline on his life, with handwritten notes in the margins. Things like where and when he was born, where he grew up, where he went to school, and it goes on.
It turns out Nico is actually a couple years older than I thought. He’s thirty-two. Ten years older than me.
It feels incredibly invasive to read these things, but he’s right in that turnabout is fair play. I just never expected this.
I still don’t know everything he knows about me, but this gesture makes me believe he knows everything. At least, almost everything. Maybe even a few of my family secrets that I don’t even know.
The page I’m on is a medical record showing when he was fifteen, he broke his wrist, and on the bottom of the page, Nico wrote that it happened during a training incident.
A training incident? What does that mean?
What was he training for? And with whom?
I flip the paper over, but that’s all he wrote. Pulling out another notebook from my bag, I flip to a blank page and start a list of questions to ask him when I see him again.
Oh, shit.
I just thought, when I see him again. I guess my brain has finally caught up with what my heart has been screaming at me since the beginning.
I’ve effectively pushed him away since he came back into my life, when that’s all I dreamt of him doing for over a month.
I really don’t know why I’m pushing him away. Nico has been chasing me, and every time I let him get close, I run in the opposite direction with the first excuse I’m given.
Although, to be fair, I think my excuses were warranted. But if I stop and think about why Nico dug into my past, rather than the fact that I just didn’t want him to know about my past, then it’s kind of sweet of him. He was worried about me and my brother, and wanted to make sure I was safe.
As I keep reading, I add more things to my questions sheet, including why he didn’t want to take his father’s place here in Atlantic City when he was killed, but rather let his cousin and younger brother. And on top of that, why was his father killed along with his uncle. Was it a rival? Is there still a threat?
Nico said the women are always protected, but have any ever been targeted or hurt? Is that why he was so adamant about telling me that?
Taking a deep breath, I look up from the papers for the first time since I opened the envelope, and look at the clock across from me in the library.
Damn it, I lost track of time, and my second class started a half hour ago. I haven’t missed a class yet though, so it’s not that big of a deal. Besides, these last two classes I’m taking are simply for the credits to graduate. I took summer classes every year so that I could have a lighter load at the end, and I’m extremely glad I did that. I can’t imagine doing a full courseload on top of the shit I’m dealing with right now.
It’s bad enough I don’t know what I want to do after college. I went in undecided, and then eventually chose psychology because that’s what Lexi was doing, and it meant we could take the same classes and help each other study. I guess I like it well enough. I just don’t know what I want to do after I graduate.
I went to college to escape and have a little fun for once, which up until recently, my grades reflected. Only when Lexi’s grandfather got hurt and she had to take a semester off this past fall to help him out, did I finally focus a little more on school since I didn’t have her to rely on if I didn’t understand something or needed help. Plus, I didn’t have anyone to go out with anymore, so I had no choice but to study.
I already felt like I was drowning before Sean showed up on my doorstep, worrying about what I’ll do after graduation and what kind of job I’ll find. Or maybe I should go to grad school?
And now, if I stop too long to think, I won’t be able to keep my head above water. The only time I haven’t felt like that is when I’ve been with Nico.
I never quite feel like I’m struggling to tread water when I’m with him.
Placing the papers back inside the envelope as best I can, I pack my bag and leave. I need to think.
As soon as I’m outside, I walk around the paths until I reach the lake, and take a seat on an empty bench. It’s freezing, but the cold air is waking my brain up.
The water looks beautiful. Even in the winter, with the bare trees and dead leaves covering the grass, the water glistens, winking at me.
Pulling out my phone, I dial Lexi’s number. I need her to talk me through this and tell me everything’s going to be okay. Or not. I need the truth.
“Hey, what’s up?” she asks cheerily when she picks up. “I haven’t spoken to you in like a week. That’s way too long.”
“That’s because you’re too busy fucking that man of yours to care about little old me,” I joke, slipping into the fun, carefree friend she knows me to usually be.
“I’m never too busy for you, Cass.”
“Are you on campus right now?”
“I just got out of class. Why? Where are you?”
“On one of the benches by the lake. Can you meet me?”
“Sure. Is everything alright?”
“We’ll talk when you get here.”
“Alright. See you in a few,” she says, curiosity lacing her words.
I get lost looking at the water again, thinking about yesterday with Nico and how the water looked then, too. It was calm while I was a raging mess on the inside, until I felt Nico walk up behind me. Once I felt his presence, this profound sense of quietness came over me. The wind and frigid air didn’t touch me, and I was still for a moment. I was present.
If I took the same moment to realize what that meant, then I wouldn’t be in a constant battle with myself.
I like Nico.
I like him a little too much.
I like the way I feel when I’m around him.
He makes me feel like I’m all he sees, and I’ve never had that.
But how do you start something with someone who you fucked for days like you’d never see them again, then wished you would the second you left them, and when you did a month later, you were on stage in a strip club he owns…? All while you’re trying to earn money to save your brother’s life from the family who killed our father.
I hang my head in my hands and take a deep breath.
“Are you okay?” Lexi asks, taking a seat beside me.
“Not really,” I mumble through my hands.
“What’s wrong?”
“A few things. But mainly, I like Nico.”
“What?” I can hear the smile in her voice when she says it and I slap her leg. “Ow, what was that for?”
“Making fun of me.”
“I’m not. It’s just…” she says, then pauses.
I sit back against the bench. “What?”
“I knew you did from the moment you met him. That night at Royals, you were all over him, and it looked like you two were in your own little bubble you never wanted to burst. And when he offered to give you a ride home from the hospital, you blushed. Blushed, Cassie. You. You never blush.”
“And that’s all the indication you needed to know that I like him?”
“Sure.” She shrugs. “Plus, that man couldn’t stop looking at you like you were his next meal.”
“He is always hungry for me,” I tell her, and she bursts out laughing.
“See? Vinny is the same for me. I know the look. But I’m sensing that’s not the issue here.”
“No, it’s not. How much we want each other is not the issue.”
“Then, what is? When did you start talking to him again?”
“We sort of ran into each other last weekend, and it’s been…a lot since then.” I want to tell Lexi about my family history, but the words are stuck on my tongue again. It’s not easy. So instead, I ask her, “Has Vinny being a Carfano been something you worry about?”
“Oh.” Lexi blows out a huff of air. “It was at first. I mean, I’m the one who warned you about them. But then who he is and what he does…” – she shakes her head – “it became an afterthought, I guess you could say. I realized no matter what happened, or if something did happen, Vinny would make sure I’m safe. He would save me. He would lay his life down for me to make sure I was safe.”
“And that doesn’t scare you? That that’s even a thing to think about?”
“Of course it does,” she says quickly, squinting to look out at the lake. “But it’s a risk I’m willing to take. You know, I tried to fight it. Well, I think I did,” she says on a laugh. “Vinny and I…” Lexi smiles. “He’s worth every risk that come with being with him.”
“That’s what I was afraid you’d say,” I tell her softly.
Lexi doesn’t say anything. She loops her arm through mine and we sit in a weighted silence for a few minutes.
“I think there’s more to what you’re debating, Cass, but I’m not going to push you on it. Just know I love you and I’m here for you.”
“Thanks, Lex.” I lean my head on her shoulder.
“Should we have a girl’s night tonight?”
“I can’t tonight. I have to submit a paper for a class that’s due by midnight and I haven’t finished it.” Wow, that lie flowed off my tongue smoother than I expected, and I’m a little scared at how easily it did, too. I can’t tell her it’s because I need to work. Then I’d have to tell her I’m dancing at a strip club and why, and I’m not getting into all of that right now. If ever.
“Okay. But we need to have one soon.”
I squeeze her arm. “Agreed.”
It’s still the morning, and I have a long way to go until work tonight. I know exactly where I need to go beforehand.