Chapter 28
Micah acknowledged Melody”s sharply indrawn breath, but she still took him by surprise as she launched herself on him, feathering desperate kisses to his neck and face, murmuring her sympathy and condolences before she pressed tightly against him. Her dainty, unfettered breasts mashed against his chest and her arms tightened fiercely around his neck while he listened to her heaving breath right next to his ear.
Instinct had him closing his own arms around her, holding her tight and closing his eyes. Accepting the gift of consolation she gave freely as she tried to comfort him and pour her own brand of solace onto his tortured soul. Nevertheless, he still had to work to ignore the effect her spontaneous affection had on his rapidly hardening cock.
Hell, maybe he was hungry for affection himself, after the stress of having to deal with the gradual retraction of Sara”s emotional warmth and love as she”d tried to manipulate him into yielding to her demands by withdrawing the things he treasured most. Never mind his own subsequent withdrawal from relationships altogether in the aftermath of what had become bitter and adversarial, no matter how many times he”d begged her to take his own feelings into consideration.
Even his fuck buddy relationship with Trinity had been rather clinical. Each of them scratching the occasional itch with a strict, no strings philosophy while they each nursed their own bruised emotions and stoically refused to move past them.
”We”re getting off track,” he finally chided with a lopsided smile to soften the rebuke. ”This was supposed to be about you.”
Melody eased her hold and sat back on her haunches, still straddling his knee. The gentle curve of her buttocks slid against the rock-hard erection he was now sporting, in a way she surely couldn”t miss. Well, he thought ruefully, he guessed that answered her other question.
”There”s no point in trying to deny that I find you desirable,” he conceded, under the considerable proof of its evidence.
Holding her waist lightly, he leaned his head back against the seat while he stared at the ceiling, trying to get his unruly dick back under control before he freaked the poor girl out.
”But you won”t let me take care of you,” Melody stated in obvious confusion as she adjusted her body more comfortably against his, rocking softly against him in the process and causing Micah to grit his teeth.
”Melody, sweetheart. You are not a vessel for me to pick up and use when the mood takes me, only to be put aside afterward.” A sliver of something that felt remarkably close to guilt slithered down his spine as it occurred to him that the very scenario he was opposing with Melody was one which, for all intents and purposes, was exactly the kind of relationship he had shared with Trinity.
God damn it! It’s not the same, he told himself fiercely. Trinity had offered herself freely to that relationship.
So did Melody, that contrary little voice inside his head insisted.
Still not the same; those had been as much Trinity”s terms as his. Neither of them had wanted involvement.
Jesus, lay off!Micah told his irritating conscience.
Trinity was happily committed now, but for a little while, they had both eased the loneliness for each other. There was nothing for him to be ashamed of in that relationship. They were both adults and they had both known exactly what they were doing.
And that, Micah realised with a mental sigh of relief, was exactly why it was different from the situation he found himself in with Melody. He and Trinity had formed a mutually symbiotic non-relationship that suited each of their emotional circumstances.
Melody, on the other hand, was simply reacting in the only way she knew how… and that was to align herself as a slave, whose job it was to serve, regardless of her own needs.
What Micah needed to do right now, was work out exactly what Melody”s needs were so he could make sure she started to look to herself for her own fulfilment rather than always feeling obligated to serve someone else”s. The very last thing he wanted was to have her heal physically but not to have dealt with the emotional processes which caused her to think the way she currently did. The only thing that would achieve, would be to drive her into the arms of yet another man who would take advantage of the things Melody felt she was required to give, rather than focusing on the mutual benefits she might receive from a relationship.
And that was exactly why he needed to keep his own damn libido under control, so that he didn”t find himself guilty of taking advantage of the things she offered, unthinkingly, to him, the very things he was trying to protect her from.
He wrenched his mind back on track. ”You”re worth more than that,” he told her insistently. ”What you need to think about, what I want you to think about, is what you want for yourself.”
He cupped her face in his hands once more, pinning her with his gaze and willing her to understand. ”I will help you with anything that is within my power to provide, Melody.” His voice took on a new urgency with the next words he spoke. ”But it has got to be something that you need for yourself. Not something I want. Not something you think I want. Not something you feel you need to do for me or for anyone else.
Only something that is just for you! Understand?”
Melody nodded mutely, her eyes huge and hopeful, and Micah felt a surge of optimism that she’d understood and was ready to demand something for herself.
She opened her mouth, then closed it again, looking away, but not before he had seen the look of uncertainty wavering in her eyes. As if she desperately wanted something but dare not ask.
Anticipation thrummed that there was something, anything, one single thing she would ask for and he could give her to break the negative, detrimental cycle she was in and place her firmly on the road to putting herself first. She just needed a little coaxing.
”Look at me, Melody,” he demanded, waiting patiently until she turned her uncertain eyes to his once more. ”You thought of something then…” It was a statement not a question. ”Was it something you want, something you need?” he coaxed.
She didn”t turn her head away, but her lips thinned, and she kept her eyes downcast, giving just a rapid, single nod in confirmation.
”Is it something I can help with?”
She didn”t reply for what seemed like forever, but more worrying was the way she seemed to shrink and withdraw right in front of his eyes.
”Melody?” he queried urgently.
He couldn”t let this go. He couldn”t allow her to retreat and deny herself whatever it was that had fleetingly flashed across her mind. It was imperative for her psychological wellbeing that she embrace that thought, that need, and see it through to completion. To prove to herself she was allowed to acknowledge her own cravings and have those needs met wherever it was feasibly possible.
She needed to understand she was worthy in her own right and had control over her own destiny.
He couldn”t back down now. That would only reinforce her belief that she was worthless and unentitled and do even more damage to an already damaged self-worth.
”Is it something I can help with?” Micah reiterated insistently.
This time, there was the briefest shrug of a single shoulder, and she was still stoic in her refusal to look at him.
”Tell me!” he demanded in his best Dom voice, hoping she would at least respond to the authority. It was a contradictory move, since he was trying to push her into being more independent, but if it worked…well, all she needed to do was to take that first step. That would always be the most difficult. And Micah would use whatever means he could to coax her into a little bit of self-belief.
”I need to be punished,” she said in a tiny voice.
Micah did his best not to recoil.
Damn it all! He’d thought he was getting through to her. Thought she was beginning to understand and accept that this didn”t need to be the way. He clenched his jaw, willing away the frustration and the disappointment he didn”t want her picking up on.
”Melody,” he cajoled softly instead, lifting her chin with a single finger crooked under her chin. ”I thought you understood that what happened to you before was abuse. There won”t be any more beatings or neglect.”
A single tear slowly trickled down her cheek, more welling in her tragic eyes as she finally raised them to look at him. Her lip trembled as the tear found its way to the corner of her mouth.
”You don”t understand!” she accused with heart-breaking despair. ”How can I let go of the guilt I feel at taking what wasn”t mine, of stealing things from those people, if no one disciplines me for it? You might say you will make it right for them, but who is going to make it right with me?”
Another tear welled and escaped, mirroring the first as Micah sat looking at her in what surely must be shock and a sudden, uncomfortable comprehension as he realised he”d made a colossal mistake.
He”d allowed his emotional involvement to cloud his professional judgement to the extent that he”d been unable to see what was staring him blatantly in the face.
There was a reason why psychologists were prohibited from practising on friends or relatives, and this was it. You simply got too close to the situation to be able to see it clearly.
He”d been so busy trying to protect Melody from what he had perceived as the manipulated mind-set that she was nothing more than a slave, he had overlooked the strong possibility that she was inherently submissive and undoubtedly slightly masochistic.
She craved discipline as part of this lifestyle. Not because it had been beaten into her that this was all she was allowed, but because she needed it for herself in her own right.
In fact, Melody”s perception was blessedly one dimensional.
She had been a slave, and despite being a brute, V had been her master, so it was her place to obey him and be punished if she failed. Nothing more, nothing less.
Insisting that she acknowledge what had occurred as something far more cruel and ominous was a grave mistake, one which could cause even more damage to her psyche. Because, while she viewed it as part and parcel of a specific dynamic, even one she had been forced to endure, it also meant she had the mental ability to put it behind her far more quickly than she would if she did view it as abuse.
This way, it was simply something that had happened within a single aspect of her life, one which was now over. As such, Melody could put it behind her… whereas the psychology of abuse would follow her for the rest of her life.
God, what an idiot he had been! He”d been close to letting her down, just the way he”d let Sara down.
But maybe even more disturbing was the fact that he’d promised in no uncertain terms that he would provide whatever she needed if it were within his power to do so.
Micah understood the psychology of the BDSM lifestyle better than anyone. He’d done detailed investigations into and analysis of the D/s dynamic and the unique balance of the power exchange.
Right now, it was completely fair to say that it wasn”t Melody who had an issue with the practice and procedure; it was him!