Chapter Four
Kenna
"What time do we need to be at the studio tomorrow?"
"We?" I jerk my head up from my plate, looking at Gideon for the first time since we got back to my apartment. "What do you mean we?"
"I'm your bodyguard, Sparrow. I go where you go."
"You can't follow me everywhere, Gideon."
"It's in the job description."
My fork clatters against my plate, rattling almost as much as I'm rattled. I shouldn't have let him kiss me. I shouldn't have kissed him back. Now, everything is awkward and weird. I feel awkward and weird. It's an uncomfortable place to be, considering that he's going to be living in my tiny space with me for God only knows how long.
"Well, you need to find something else to do while I'm recording, Gideon," I say, grabbing my plate and heading for the sink. "You can't be there distracting me. This is too important."
I realize that I sound like a brat as soon as the words leave my lips, but I don't call them back or try to soften them. I need a buffer between me and this man before I go crazy. He's under my skin, sinking deeper by the minute.
"Sparrow."
I scrape the food from my plate, tossing it into the trash. I barely ate. He cleaned his plate. Clearly, he isn't nearly as anxious about this whole arrangement as I am. If anything, I think he's a little too comfortable with it. But then again, it's not his life being turned upside down by a bossy giant who wants to sleep with him.
I drop my plate into the sink and start gathering up the rest of the dishes. Maybe I'm odd, but I've always found cleaning to be a particular sort of relaxing. I could use a little of that right now.
Gideon's hand comes down on my shoulder.
I jump a foot into the air.
"Let me handle this, Sparrow. You cooked."
"I've got it, Gideon."
"You aren't my maid, baby. If I'm going to be staying here, I'm going to do my share."
"You aren't here as a guest. You're here as my bodyguard," I remind him. "I think you're doing plenty already."
He sighs and then bends slightly. Half a second later, I'm in his arms.
I squeak, shock coursing through me.
"Put me down!"
"Gladly." He sits me in a chair at the table, smirking. "You can sit right there and watch me do the dishes."
"You can't do that!"
"What? The dishes?"
"I you Argh!" I splutter, not sure if I want to kiss him or kill him.
He chuckles, strolling back to the sink as if he isn't the most infuriating man in the world. Just so we're clear, he absolutely is. Infuriating. Hot. And way too good at unraveling me and my composure.
I glare at the back of his head while he rolls up his sleeves and starts working on the dishes, humming to himself. And then I realize what he's humming.
"That's my song."
"Is it?" The smile in his voice makes my stomach flutter. "Interesting."
Interesting? What does that mean?
"Did you write it?"
"I write all of my songs."
"What's it about?"
"My dad," I say softly. "He died two years ago."
Gideon turns slowly to look at me. "Damn, Sparrow. I'm sorry."
"Me too." I frown sadly. "Um, he and my mom got married right out of high school. They were madly in love right up until the day he died. She's really struggled since losing him. We all have, but it's been worse for her. She's had to learn how to be okay on her own when she's never been on her own. She always had him."
"Is that why you're so afraid to fall in love?"
"Who said I'm afraid of love, Gideon?"
He washes another plate and places it on the rack before answering. "It's written all over your face. When I kissed you today, you panicked. You're afraid to let yourself go there because you're afraid you'll fall."
"I am not."
"You are," he says quietly. "I think you're terrified of giving up control, Sparrow. When you love someone, you have something to lose. You're terrified of giving anyone the power to break your heart like your dad did when he died."
"Who says I'd fall for you, Gideon?" I retort, my chest heavy with the weight of his words. He's not wrong, damn him. I am terrified of giving anyone that power. I've seen what it's done to my mom. I don't want to wake up one day in the same place she's in now.
I'm not afraid of love.
It's losing it that scares the crap out of me.
So I focus on my career and music, and pretend that it's enough to fill the hole in my heart. It isn't. But the alternative? Risking a lifetime of grief and heartache when it all falls apart? That's not a risk I'm brave enough to take.
Gideon finishes the last two dishes before turning to face me, his green eyes piercing as they tangle with mine. His gaze pins me to my chair, holding me captive. "Lie to yourself if it makes you feel better, Sparrow. But we both know you felt the same thing I did today."
"W-what did you feel?" I ask, forcing sound out through the lump in my throat.
"Like you were meant to be in my arms."
"How's it going?" Kane asks an hour later.
"It's fine." I clutch the phone to my ear, pulling open my antique dresser with the other hand.
"Well, that was convincing."
I roll my eyes when he chuckles. "Gideon is fine, Kane. He's just like you. Freaking annoying."
My irritating brother laughs again. "I knew I liked him."
"Of course you do. Is it really necessary for him to live with me?"
"Yes."
"This is overkill."
"It's not overkill when it's your safety."
"He doesn't like John."
"Now, I really like him," Kane says, satisfaction in his voice.
I roll my eyes again, gathering my pajamas to go shower. I need to wash this day off me. Maybe then I'll be able to settle and sleep. Or not. Considering that Gideon will be camping out in my living room, I have a feeling sleep will be elusive tonight.
"Why are you calling me anyway?" I ask my brother.
"Just checking in."
"You mean being nosy," I correct.
"Tomato, tomato."
I smile despite myself when he pronounces it the same way both times. He's not very subtle and doesn't pretend to be. I love that about him. Despite the fact that we're fifteen years apart, we've always been close. He's an amazing brother, even when he's annoying me. He's always looked out for me.
"Are you and Maya coming to my show tomorrow?"
"Wouldn't miss it, brat," he says.
I exhale a tiny breath, relieved he'll be there. It always makes me feel better when he's there. I don't get nervous playing for crowds anymore. But ever since I got that poem, I've been anxious about it. I look out into crowds now and see hundreds of potential stalkers. I hate that so much.
Whoever sent it is a jerk for that alone. I don't want to jump at shadows and doubt everything. The fact that I am means he's winning. He wanted me to be afraid and worry and look for him and wonder who he is, and if he's watching. That's exactly what I'm doing.
I hate it. I want to go back to the days when I looked out at the crowd and just saw smiling faces. If Gideon can give that sense of security back to me, I'll owe him for the rest of my life.
"Get some sleep," Kane orders me. "You have an early day tomorrow."
"Yes, sir," I say, sarcastically. "I'll see you tomorrow. Love you, Kane."
"Love you too, brat."
I disconnect and toss my phone on top of my dresser before heading to the bathroom from the door connecting through my bedroom. It's the only bathroom in the apartment, so it connects from the bedroom and the hallway. Super convenient when I have to pee in the middle of the night. I keep meaning to find a bigger place, but then I find a reason to put it off. I love where I am here. The small complex is in the Music Row district, just a few blocks west of Music Square.
I push open the bathroom door and then freeze as soon as I see Gideon inside.
He's leaning against the counter, his fist wrapped around his erection and his head thrown back. He looks beautiful and fierce as he jerks himself off with his lip caught between his teeth.
Oh my god.
His gaze whips to mine, his green eyes dark with lust.
I should say something. I should slip out of the room. I should do anything. But I just stand there, staring at him, engulfed in desire. Burning. Aching.
"Sparrow," he rasps.
"Finish it." That definitely wasn't on the list of things I should do.
"Kenna."
"Finish it," I whisper, licking my lips.
His gaze flits across my face. But he doesn't make me say it again. He groans, working his fist up and down his shaft in rough pulls. I watch in rapt fascination, unable to look away as he jerks himself off for me. As he watches me while he does it. As he thinks about me while he does it. I know that's what he was doing in here. The truth is written all over his face.
He was thinking about me.
I shouldn't like that nearly as much as I do and yet with this man, I don't want him thinking about anyone else. I don't want him seeing anyone else. I want it to be my name on his lips.
I want him, period.
"Is this what you were thinking about when you kissed me today, Gideon?"
"Yes," he growls.
"Me too," I whisper. "I I wanted it. I still want it. So bad it hurts."
"Fuck, Sparrow." His hand flies up and down his cock before he grunts, his muscles going rigid. Hot liquid spills across his hand, landing in thick ropes against the floor and shower wall.
I press my legs together, turned on and aching. I want to know what that feels like inside of me more than I want my next breath. I want to know what he feels like inside of me.
God help me, but I think if I let him, this man is going to send my walls tumbling. He's going to slip into my heart whether I want him there or not. And when he leaves, all that'll remain will be a crater marking where he once held dominion.
"Kenna," he says.
For the second time today for the second time in my life I flee, racing back into my room and slamming the door between us. He shouts after me, but I lock the door from my side before weakly sliding down it.
"What am I doing?" I whisper, pressing my shaking hands to my cheeks. "What am I doing?"
I have no answer.
I flip onto my back, glaring up at the ceiling. It's well after one in the morning and I haven't slept at all. Every time I close my eyes, my mind wanders to the man currently camped out in the living room. I think about him standing in the bathroom, his eyes locked on me while he jerks himself off. I hear him promising to catch me. And I feel like a coward.
I am a coward, let's be clear about that. I'm not afraid of much, but the intensity of the feelings he sends coursing through me scares the hell out of me. I've only known him for a day, and he already makes me feel like no one else ever has. How much stronger will it be in a week? A month?
What happens then?
What happens if you never find out? a little voice whispers back.
It's a jarring question. One I don't think I've considered fully. I have a good idea what happens if things end badly. My mom is a walking testament to how much endings can hurt. But what about the things you regret because you were too scared to try? How do those haunt you? How do they hurt you?
I don't know because I've never been the girl too afraid to try. Even when it's meant falling on my face over and over, I've tried. I know failure. I've been chasing my dreams since I was sixteen, watching doors slam in my face again and again. And every time, I've picked myself up, dusted myself off, and gotten back in the saddle. I have no regrets because I've never stopped trying.
I don't want Gideon to be my first regret. He could be if I let him.
That realization pulls me from bed. I cross the room in the dark, my feet silent on the plush carpet. The door to the living room squeaks open. Light trickles in from the kitchen, spilling across Gideon's face.
The couch is far too small for him. His feet hang over the end. He shouldn't be on it at all.
He turns to look at me, as wide awake as I am.
"You okay, Sparrow?"
I don't say anything. I just walk up beside the couch and hold out my hand.
He sits up, eyeing me curiously. But he slips his hand into mine. He even hauls himself to his feet when I tug on his arm. I lead him to the bedroom, not speaking.
"Sparrow "
"You're right about everything you said, okay?" I whisper, pushing the door closed behind us. "I am afraid. But I don't want you to be something I run from and live regretting."
"You think I'd let that happen?" He turns, pulling me into his arms. "Never, Kenna. Never."
I rest my head against his chest, feeling at ease for the first time since I ran from him this afternoon. "Can we take it slow, please?"
He tips my head back, brushing his lips across mine. "As slow as you want to take it, Sparrow."
"Maybe not too slow."
He grins, pulling me down into the bed with him. I'm not sure what I expect, but it isn't for him to drag me back up against his chest with his arms wrapped around me. He nuzzles his face against the back of my neck, pressing a soft kiss to the sensitive skin there.
"I thought "
"I know what you thought. But there's plenty of time to play later. Right now, I'm going to hold you while you sleep. You have an early day, and we both know you haven't slept at all."
He's not wrong about that.
I melt into him, my eyes fluttering closed.
At the last second, I remember something he said earlier. "Hey, Gideon?"
"Yeah?"
"You better not have been kidding about you not snoring, Marine."
His body shakes against mine as he laughs. "Go to sleep, Sparrow."