Chapter Ten
Kenna
"Okay, I've had enough of this shit." Kane slaps the contract down on his antique desk to glare at me. "What the fuck is going on with you?"
"What? Nothing. Why?"
"Don't lie to me, Kenna. You've been in a totally different dimension since you walked through the door. And your eyes are all red. What happened? Do I need to kill him?"
I drop my pen, pressing the heels of my hands to my eyes. "Gideon told me that he loves me," I whisper.
"You didn't already know?"
"I knew." I exhale a shaking breath. "But I didn't say it back, Kane."
"Shit. You don't feel the same way."
"No, I do. I love him so freaking much," I whisper, my throat tight. "But he said it, and I freaked out instead of telling him how I feel. What if it's too late to fix it?"
Kane holds up a finger. "We'll get to that in a minute. What do you mean you freaked out?"
"I mean, he said it, and I panicked, and I ended up crying all over him."
"Why'd you panic?"
"Because when he said it, I thought about " I lick my lips.
"You thought about losing him like we lost Dad," Kane says quietly, understanding in his obsidian eyes.
"No." I laugh through a groan, completely miserable. "All this time, that's what I've been running from. So you'd think that's what I'd have thought about, right? But no, that's not it. He said it, and for the first time, I realized that I had the power to break him, too. And the thought that I could break someone like him was overwhelming." I stare at Kane with wide eyes. "He's so freaking good to me. He deserves everything. And I'm so afraid that all of this is going to come crashing down, and he's going to be the one who gets hurt."
A madman is hunting me; someone who wants to kill me. It's not Gideon who might leave a crater in my life. I'm afraid I'll leave a crater in his. The hunter in the shadows will snatch me from his grip, and nothing we do will be enough to stop it.
I didn't really let myself consider that possibility until it smacked me in the face today. I've simply refused to think about what lies on the other side of the big what-if. But it's monumental. Today, I faced it. It scared the hell out of me. And I fell apart. I feel horrible because there were a thousand things I wanted to say, and I didn't say any of them.
I crashed and burned when Gideon needed me to fly.
"You aren't going to break him, Kenna. You aren't going to leave him. Nothing is going to happen to you," Kane growls, his expression as fierce as his tone. I think if anyone could bend the universe to his will to ensure the outcome he expects, it'd be my brother. "Hell will freeze over before I allow anything to happen to you."
"I love you. You know that?"
"I love you too, baby sister. But I mean it. Nothing is going to happen to you. You're afraid because you feel like you have no control. That's what this fucker wants you to feel. He wants you to fear him. He wants you to know he's in control. But he's just a fucking coward hiding in the shadows. You're in control of your life. You decide what has power over you. And I'm not going to allow you to let this motherfucker have that control over you."
"You sound like Gideon."
"I like him more and more every day," Kane mutters.
I roll my eyes. "Of course you do. He's bossy and annoying, just like you."
"And you fell in love with him anyway."
"Yeah," I whisper. "I did."
"Are you happy, Kenna?"
"So happy." Despite everything, I don't think I've ever been happier. That's a testament to the way he makes me feel. I shouldn't feel this alive in the face of so much chaos, and yet I do. I shouldn't wake up with butterflies and go to sleep with a smile on my face. But I do. I shouldn't laugh this much or smile so hard or find new reasons to love every single freaking day. Still, I do.
"Then cling to that with both hands and let the rest work itself out," Kane suggests. "Trust that it will because it will. We won't stop until it does. Believe that, Kenna. We've got you. And if you think it's too late to fix it, you're crazy. That man would fight the armies of hell for you without hesitation. You not saying it back tonight didn't change the way he feels. Nothing will ever change that."
He's right. Gideon doesn't blow where the wind takes him. He plants his roots deep and refuses to bend. He's steadfast in his devotion, his love unwavering and bright. I know because I've felt it every single day since he claimed me as his own.
I climb to my feet, circling around my brother's desk to throw my arms around him in a fierce hug. "I'm glad you're my annoying big brother, Kane. I wouldn't trade you for anything."
"Yeah? Not even for a cat?"
"Well, I mean "
He growls, nudging my shoulder. "You're still the biggest brat I know."
"Lucky you."
He chuckles, dropping a kiss to the top of my head. "Yeah, lucky me, baby sister. Lucky me."
I giggle, messing up his hair before I skip back to my chair, my heart lighter than it's been all evening.
"Are you okay, Sparrow?" Gideon asks, pulling me down onto the couch as soon as we get home. He tugs me into his arms, wrapping them around me. I melt into him, sinking into his embrace.
"Yeah," I whisper. "I'm okay."
"You've been quiet since I got back to your brother's."
"I've been thinking."
"If you're thinking about running, forget it, Kenna. You're not getting rid of me. I don't care how hard you try."
"What?" I turn around on his lap so I can meet his gaze. "You think I'm going to run, Gideon? Really?"
"I don't know where your head is at, Sparrow. But the thought crossed my mind," he admits. "You got scared today. When you get scared, you run."
"I didn't I wasn't " I huff out a breath, trying to find the right words. "I wasn't afraid for the reason you think, Gideon. That's not what that was about. I was worried for you."
"Why?" Something painful and bottomless goes through his eyes. He blinks it away as quickly as it appears, but I see enough of it, and it shakes me to my foundation. This crazy, amazing, beautiful man thinks I'm worried about him because I don't feel the same way.
No. God, no.
How could I have messed this up so badly that he doesn't already know?
"I love you, Gideon," I say without hesitation, unwilling and unable to keep the truth from him when he needs to hear it. He needs to know that he has every piece of me. There can be no doubt. I won't allow him to have any.
"Jesus," he breathes.
"I mean it," I whisper, cupping his face between my palms. "I love you. That was never a question. That isn't what today was about, either. I panicked when you said it because, for the first time, I realized that I could hurt you, too. I never thought about that before today. I never let myself consider what could happen to me. But I did today." I swallow hard. "I'll never forgive myself if something happens to me and you get hurt."
"Sparrow," he whispers, dropping his forehead to mine. "You think I'm going to let that happen?"
"I think you'll do everything in your power to keep it from happening. But I still had to face the fear today, Gideon. We can't give over what we never face." I exhale a slow breath. "I'm sorry I messed it up today. I wanted to tell you that I'm crazy about you. I can't imagine a future without you in it, but if you were to tell me that you're going to die tomorrow or next week or in five years, I wouldn't give up a single moment with you, either. I'd rather spend the rest of my life missing you than miss a single moment we could have spent together."
I know that's how my mom feels, too. Maybe she's still a little broken. Maybe she always will be. But who said she had to be whole? Who said she had to get over my dad or learn to be perfectly okay without him? There is no rulebook for grief. There isn't one for life, either. We all just do the best we can and hope it's enough. But she had forty years with the love of her life. That's something special.
If I get even twenty with mine, I'll count myself blessed beyond measure and cherish every single one.
"Fuck," he breathes, pulling me closer. "You're killing me now, Sparrow. One sweet word at a time."
"Don't get too crazy on me now," I say, running my hands through his hair. "You're not allowed to die anytime soon. I'm just saying I'm learning to make peace with the fact that we can't live forever. Give me two hundred years or so. Then we'll talk."
"Oh, only two hundred or so? That's all you need?"
"I mean, it's a good start. Why? Think you can make it to five hundred?"
"Depends." He runs his hands down my back, grabbing my ass. "Do I get to eat you for every meal?"
"That's probably not very nutritious, but sure, Marine. Knock yourself out."
He stands suddenly, making me squeal with laughter.
"I didn't mean now!"
"Too bad. I did." He grinds me against his erection before stomping toward the bedroom. Thank god it's only a few short feet away because I don't think either of us is going to make it very far. We barely make it two steps before we're a blur of hands, pulling off each other's clothes. They fall to the floor where we stand, creating a trail from the couch all the way to the bed.
By the time we're at the foot of it, his cock is in my hand, and he has his hand down my pants. I writhe against his fingers, trying to jerk him off and get his pants off at the same time. It's no easy feat when he's strumming my clit like he knows exactly how to make me sing.
By the time I wrestle his pants down his legs, I'm already coming all over his fingers. I wriggle out of his arms, dropping to my knees in front of him.
"Ah, fuck," he growls, gathering up my hair in a fist. "You want to suck my cock, Sparrow?"
"Mmm. Yes, definitely." I wrap my fist around him again, leaning up to brush a kiss across the head. I taste the sticky, salty fluid and moan, pulling him into my mouth. He's only let me do this once before, and barely lasted two minutes before he was dragging me into his arms to make love to me.
He shouts my name, his hand tight in my hair as he tries like hell to stay still. I torture him, wicked and wild and free in a way I've never been. He did this to me. It's only fair that he pays the price for it.
I lick and suck, exploring every inch of him like he does me. I take him deep and then pull back, only to start all over again. I can't even fit half of him in my mouth, but I try like hell anyway. My hands run up and down his legs. I fondle his balls. Scratch down the ridges of his abdomen.
I wreck him the same way he wrecks me. Every single time we're together, he ruins me. Over and over again. It's my turn this time. And I've always been a dedicated pupil.
"Goddamn, Sparrow," he groans, his eyes locked on the sight of his cock disappearing between my lips. "You look good with my dick in your mouth."
I take him deeper, holding his gaze. My eyes water but I don't pull back, I take more, choking on him.
He growls, his eyes wild with lust. "Do that again. Choke on my cock."
I plunge down again, taking him all the way to the back of my throat.
He curses up a blue streak as it closes around the head of his cock again. He yanks backward, expelling himself from my lips in one quick thrust.
"I wasn't done," I complain as he hauls me to my feet.
"Yeah, you are. I'm not coming down your throat. I'm coming in that perfect body." He drags my pants down my legs, taking my panties with them. Before I can say anything, he's got me bent over the foot of the bed, one hand sliding down the curve of my ass. "Legs apart, Sparrow. Hands on the bed."
I slide my legs apart, gripping the sheets.
He drops to his knees behind me.
Mine threaten to buckle when he attacks my pussy from behind with his wicked tongue. He pries my cheeks apart to get closer, growling and snarling as he eats me. Filthy sounds bounce around the room.
His hand comes down on my cheek in a hard smack.
I come unglued, stars erupting behind my eyes as I shatter for him.
He roars, rising to his feet. Within seconds, he's inside me, one hand on my shoulder to hold me in place as he fucks me from behind. I can't do anything but take it. He drives into me, fucking me so deep I know I'm still going to feel him there tomorrow.
"Tell me now, Sparrow."
"I love you," I breathe, willing to say it a thousand times if that's what he wants to hear. I'll shout it from the rooftops. Whatever he wants. My heart is his, just like my body. He commands both.
He groans, wrapping his arms around my waist to pull me up. As soon as I'm more or less upright, he drags me into his arms, boosting me up. I straddle his thighs as he settles against the bed, slipping inside me again.
His mouth slants down over mine as we rock together, me in his lap and his hands all over my body. We don't separate even an inch this time, only coming up for air when neither of us can breathe.
"You're so fucking perfect," he whispers, his forehead pressed against mine. "Christ, Sparrow. My heart is going to beat out of my damn chest."
"It can't. I need it right here, Gideon." I press my palm over it, loving the way it pounds against his sternum, strong and steady.
He kisses me again and then again. I rock against him faster and drop down harder. I'm so close. This is the best and the worst part. The moment when the pleasure grows so intense it's painful, but I don't want it to end. I want to stay right here, just like this. Yet I know I can't. He won't let me. He always makes me go over, refusing to let me dwell for long in that in-between place.
As if on cue, his hands sink into my hips. He takes over, dropping me on his cock and then lifting me off. He drives me down onto him again and again, ruthless in his quest to make me come. I try to fight it, determined to stay right here for as long as possible. But you can only fight fate for so long. Especially when fate is a giant.
He slams me down on him, rocking his hips.
I claw his back, shouting as I splinter into a thousand tiny pieces and scatter to the winds.
"I love you," he whispers, following me into the light.